Say Ah ….

This morning I am reminded of that old saying, “Life begins at forty.”  Ever heard that one?  Well, it is not exactly true, life doesn’t begin at forty … maintenance begins at forty!  Had to do the checkup thing this week with my doctor and it appears that my numbers are not all that good.  I am kind of used to it, if you want to know the truth, at my age, I kind of expect it.  But this time, they are not only bad, they are worse than bad, they are not good at all.  So this means, that I have to start exercising again.

It seems that my body has made a friend of fat, it no longer burns it, but rather openly invites it in and provides it a home.  I find myself metabolically challenged and do not seem to be ridding myself of this harmful substance, but storing it.  So I have to start walking, I have to start riding the bike, I have to quit bellying up to the salad bar with the big boys and make some changes.

You know you have health issues, but if you are like me, like most men, you just blow it off and continue on.  I would say on the whole women are more responsive to medical advice than men.  If a woman steps up on a scale and see’s numbers she doesn’t like, it is tantamount to the end of the world!  Now a guy, he steps onto the scale, and it says to him, “Only one person on the scale at a time” well, that isn’t a big deal, he just says to himself, “I will come back later.”

I could do as I always do, con myself into believing that this isn’t my problem, when it surely is.  I used to do that all the time, I gained 35 lbs when I stopped smoking and I used to conveniently use that for my excuse, but that was some 15 years ago, plenty of time to have shed the weight in the meantime.

Are you still smoking?

If you have not stopped or quit, you should.  A typical smoker who refuses or fails to give up has a roughly 15% risk of lung cancer over their lifetime. But with two copies of the genetic variant, this rises to 23%.  In contrast, someone who has smoked fewer than 100 cigarettes in their entire life has a less-than-1% chance of developing the disease.  As I have stated, I gave them up about fifteen years ago, and the other day I happened to notice a pack of Marlboro’s was $5.50 per pack.  Unbelievable, someone owes me about $28,000.00!

Smoking will kill ya …. No joke.

A woman goes into a drugstore and walks up to the pharmacist and says, “I need something to give to my husband to kill him.  Cyanide, some kind of poison.”  The druggist is flabbergasted, he cannot believe that she actually has said this to him.

“Listen lady, I cannot give you something to kill your husband.  First it is illegal, second, I would lose my job, third, my good standing in the community would be jeopardized.  I just cannot do it.”

So she looks at him and says, “Look at these, and hands him a handful of photographs of the druggists’ wife and her husband in bed together at the local motel.”

He looks at them for a while, and then looks up and says … “Oh, this is different, I didn’t know that you had a prescription.”

No good huh?  Well whadya expect for free?

I did notice something interesting the day after Valentine’s Day.  I was over at the store, and in the section where they sell the cards, I noticed one very peculiar thing.  All of the cards for the women, my wife, my girlfriend, all of them were gone, all of the female card selections were exhausted because of the holiday.

On the other hand, all of the masculine cards, the one for the boyfriend and the husband, well, there were ample supplies of them to be had.  Proof positive, it is a woman’s holiday.

I read something interesting the other day and I thought I might share this with you before closing.

Young adults can discern another person’s attitude toward sexual relationships just by looking at his or her face, according to a British study of 700 heterosexual volunteers.  The Durham University-led study also found that men generally prefer women who they believe are open to short-term sexual relationships, while women generally prefer men who they perceive to be potentially suitable for a long-term relationship.

The study participants looked at photographs of faces of members of the opposite sex (all in their early 20s) and were asked to judge their attractiveness and sexual attitudes. Their judgments were compared with the actual attitudes and behaviors of the people in the photos.

As it turned out, 72 percent of the 153 volunteers in the first study sample correctly identified sexual attitudes from photos more than 50 percent of the time.  Out of curiosity, I took several pictures of myself, showed them to the wife, explained the survey or test to her, she agreed to participate.

Handing the pictures to her at the kitchen table, she quickly went thru the stack, studying each one and repeating out loud … “NO .. NO… NO … NO-WAY!  DEFINITELY NOT.”

Oh well, so much for science … Back to the drawing board.


The Simpatico Jogger

Big Daddy Is In Trouble

Big Daddy Is In Trouble

Ran into a friend at the Mall the other day, I went out there to carouse the book store and get some chinese, I like that Chinese Food.  He said “How you doing, I notice you have put on some weight.”

Which I thought was rude and I just told him that “I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.”

And left it at that.

Contrary to popular belief, I do allow one every now and then to slip one by, and let them win a round.

Came home and turned on the TV, sat down with my take out of Moo Poo Gia Pan and finished off the day.  Watched the news and some infomercials.  There could be a small grain of truth in the statement, “Television will turn your brain to Oatmeal.”

I suppose if you watch it enough, it could be possible. I am especially drawn to those wonderful late-nite commercials where all the smiling people invite you to lose “30 lbs. in 30 days.”

Which we all know, is of course, impossible.

That was yesterday and this is today.  This morning, I am down around my ankles, wiping off the morning shower with a big fluffy towel, that is oh so warm and inviting, a caress to my tired old wrinkled skin. I am bent over and I am dutifully drying my ankles and I am wondering to myself, “Do I need to do anything else why I am down here, because I am definitely not coming back down here any time soon.”

And then there is the other nagging question of “Is a quart of water supposed to come out of your belly-button when you bend over?” … is that natural?  I wipe the condensate from the mirror and look upon my reflection in the mirror and I think to myself, “I need to lose some weight.”

Once again, I think of the “lose 30 lbs. in 30 day thing” as I scratch parts of my lower extremities I have not seen in close to five years now. It is appealing, the thought of being able to lose all that weight with the mere snap of a finger.

Stop and consider right now, how convenient that would be. You come home from a hard day at work, open the old mailbox and there it is, “the invite to the Class Reunion” and you suddenly discover that you have but six months to lose 30 lbs and of course, find a life.

But we all know that unless you are willing to sacrifice a limb or check yourself into a concentration style fat farm in Sunny-Southern-Arizona, losing 30 lbs in 30 days (yet alone six months) is virtually impossible.

As I am somewhat pragmatic I always try to do the math, see if it actually adds up.

In order to lose one pound of body mass (without sacrificing or losing a body part) you have to create a 3,500-calorie deficit. You can accomplish this feat in one or two ways. You can either feed your body, 3,500 fewer calories than it needs to support itself, or you can increase your activity level and burn off an extra 3,500 calories.

If you want to lose 30 lbs., you’ll have to create a total caloric deficit of 105,000 calories. The average person, eating 2,800 calories a day, consumes only about 84,000 calories. The average person, eating 2,800 calories a day, consumes only about 84,000 calories each month.

Even if you stopped eating completely, you’d still have to burn an extra 21,000 calories through exercise to lose some 30 lbs. in 30 days. (Is you’d a real word?) Running two miles or engaging in two hours of intense aerobic exercise every day for an entire month would take care of those extra 21,000 calories.

Maybe you can combine total starvation with a strenuous daily workout, but in my case, I just do not see that happening. Running two miles per day would put me some sixty miles out into the Panhandle of Oklahoma and a tad bit lighter.

Nope, that sure isn’t happening here, not today.

A wise person knows his limitations in life, I am not that heroic guy who rides the Tour De France with courage and ultimate victory, a Lance Armstrong I am not. I cannot make laps in an Olympic size pool and swim like a seal. I have to shoot for lesser events in my life, like maybe walking to the end of the driveway and back.

Might shoot for the Annual Mt Airy “Mayberry Festival” in Mt. Airy, North Carolina, where they celebrate each September “The Andy Griffith Show” and attend Mayberry Days. There is a statue of Andy and Opie and replicas of Floyd’s Barber Shop, the jail and Andy’s house.

I might fit in just fine there.

Screw the reunion, I am gonna have a Twinkie.


Pass Me The Gravy

Ran into a guy the other day, I had not seen this guy in about 12-15 years.  One of those miserable, insufferable types that you don’t want to run into, a person you want to avoid, but somehow just cannot avoid.  He looks at me and says, “Good Lord, you are as big as a barn!”  I just smiled and said, “I am overweight, I can diet.  You on the other hand, are stupid, what you gonna do.”  I don’t need the offspring of second cousins from Alabama, telling me I am outta shape; I see it in the mirror each and every cotton-pickin’ day.

There have been times that the wife and I, have amused ourselves about this metabolically challenged period of life we are living in.  I would say, “I used to eat like a horse … Now I look like one.” … Or … “I know why I am overweight, my body and my fat, have become friends.” … Or …  What did the doctor say? and I would reply, “He said I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.” 

Stuff like that.

There was a time when I actually thought about doing something about it, but when your favorite health club is the International House Of Pancakes, it is kind of hopeless.  I am a realist, I don’t going around saying “I am trying hard to get back to my original weight.”  It isn’t going to happen, I asked my mother and she said “it was around 8 lbs 3 ounces as best as I can remember.” 

They even have a song in the Baptist Hymnal about it:  “When them rolls are passed out up yonder, I will be there.” or something like that, I forget.

So we all keep shoving the groceries down our neck and talk about it.  I don’t know why everybody talks about losing weight.  This an ill-conceived phrase.  Fat people never lose weight.  They always KNOW right where it is.  And they always say, “I am dropping a few pounds.”  Yeah?  I see where you dropped them to; they’re right there just above your knees! 

In my case I knew I was out of control when Cup Cake said, “Lookie here, I can pinch an inch.” And she was pinching my forehead!

My problems began when I quit smoking; food started tasting a lot better.  It also was my apparent downfall, I gained a lot of weight, over 30 lbs. to be specific and I am carrying it with me every day.  So I made an attempt at changing: 

  • I quit cheating at cards.
  • I quit cussing.
  • I quit drinking.
  • I quit smoking.
  • Trifling with other peoples’ women.

Man, that was the worst twenty minutes of my life. 

(Seriously, uh huh sure.)  So I kind of figured that there ought to be something left in life for me.  Food.  But it turns out that even that is not exactly right.  Did you know that by the time you turn twenty years of age your body has essentially settled on the number of fat cells you are going to have for the rest of your life?

Yes, it is true. 

A recent study in Sweden has confirmed this.  Researchers took samples of fat cells from volunteers over the course of several years; they discovered that no matter how much the subjects’ weights changed, their number of fat cells remained the same.  So your fat cells grow and shrink in your body, but they remain the same.  You are actually “friends with your fat.” 

Isn’t that repulsive.

All the carrot sticks and rice cakes in the world are not going to change a thing.  All those fat cells in your body are going nowhere; they just shrink in size and nothing more. During your life you will eat sixty thousand pounds of food, the weight of about six elephants.  The average American chews 190 sticks of gum, drinks about 600 sodas and 800 gallons of water, eats 135 pounds of sugar and 19 pounds of cereal a year.  The largest consumer of sugar and corn syrup in the world is no other than Coca Cola.  The biggest selling restaurant item in the U.S. is French Fries.  They estimate that in this country every day, we consume about 200 million M&M’s.

The amount of potato chips Americans eat each year weighs six times more than the Titanic.  A can of SPAM is opened in this country about every four seconds.  Americans on average eat eighteen acres of pizza every day and Saturday night is the biggest day of the week for that staple.  Dunkin’ Donuts serves about 112,500 donuts per day, more popcorn is sold in Dallas than anywhere else in the United States.

Two million different combinations of sandwiches can be created from a Subway Menu. 

We as a society of people eat a lot of garbage that is why the majority of us, are scratching parts of our bodies we have not seen in five years.  This is why when you step onto the computerized talking scale your thoughtful wife gave you on Father’s Day last year it says …….. “Please come back when you are alone.”

Now if you will excuse me, I am gonna go get me a Twinkie, me and “my friends” are hungry.

It’s not easy being a Baby Boomer.