Crazy Ivan


KISS ME I AM FROM VERMONT: Uh oh, it seems now that Gay people have really legitimately democratically and completely non-sneakily have won the right to marry in Vermont.  This surely isn’t going to make the Christian community happy in this country.  But Christians are free to disapprove of homosexuality, just as they remain free to disapprove of their neighbor’s alcoholism or adultery or bad taste in lawn ornaments.  They are also free to move to a country that enforces religious views or they can just hang out in Illinois.

An Illinois man whose wife has been charged with child murder says police have insulted Islam by releasing her mug shot.  She is charged with beating her two year old niece to death.  Her husband says the larger issue is that police took a mug shot of her without her traditional Muslim head scarf and released the photo to the media.  He said they are really going to be in “big trouble” for violating her modesty.

They live amongst us and they procreate.

THE BIG TICKET: So I am watching ESPN and the outfielder of the Pittsburgh Pirates or some other team (I am not a big sports fan) and he says, “The only way we’re going to improve is if we actually go out and get better.” And they willingly cough up millions per year for this?  This is why a family of four pays $411 for tickets to a ballgame in Boston, or it costs you $85 to sit in the cheap seats at NASCAR.

POOF!  YOU’RE TOAST: It is a bad week to be a squirrel in Spokane, Washington.  The city parks and recreation department has purchased the Rodenator, a device that pumps flammable gas into rodent holes and then ignites it with a spark.  The agency has called the method humane, since squirrels are instantly killed by the explosion.  And as an added bonus, “it automatically roasts their nuts!”  (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

IT’S ABOUT TIME: An overdue library book has finally been returned after 110 years.  Originally checked out by Mutt Baird, the 1,535 page Webster’s dictionary was from the Lyn Public Library in Ontario, Canada in 1899, but it was not returned when his family moved to New York State that winter.

Last week, his nephew, 83-year old Dale Fenton Baird Sr. of Denver, presented it to Orval Ladd, president of the Lyn Heritage Place Centre, in time for the center’s 225th anniversary.  The fine, in case you are wondering, if imposed would have been $9,000.

It was waived.

NO FREE LUNCH: A government worker in Bingham, New York, who had to stay at his desk during the recent massacre, wants compensation for missing his lunch hour.  He was locked down during the spree that left 14 other people dead.  He has since demanded that he be paid for the lunch hour that he missed.

What a guy, I mean really, what a guy.

ANGEL IN THE SKY: A Louisiana man was traveling with his wife and two daughters aboard a Super King turboprop when the pilot who was in charge of his flight blacked out.  The passenger then radioed air-traffic controllers in Miami, who guided him to a Fort Myers airport and talked him through the landing.

He has a pilot’s lic. but said the only thing he knew how to do up there was talk on the radio.  The pilot later was said to have died from a heart attack.  Talk about raising your stress levels and doing it quickly.  “When you stop screaming Mr. Smith, look out your right window, you should be able to see the airport, do you see it?  Mr. Smith?  Mr. Smith?”

BURGER KING EL GRANDE: These people never seem to learn.  Now Burger King has agreed to pull a commercial running on European Television after Mexico formally complained that it used a negative stereotype of Mexicans.  The commercial for the “Texican Whopper” shows a short wrestler dressed in a cape resembling a Mexican Flag.

The wrestler teams up with a lanky American cowboy almost twice his size to illustrate the cross-border blend of flavors.  Mexico’s ambassador to Spain said that “we have to tell these people that in Mexico we have a great deal of respect for our flag.”  He ought to move to the U.S. where they routinely abuse the flag by making handkerchiefs out of it, shirts, bathing suits, and other ridiculous articles of clothing.

No word on the new General Motors commercial that depicts the “Little House On The Cheebie” to run on Mexican television, updates on that later.

POSSIBLY RELATED: A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”

The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”

(thanks to Jonco)

THE DEGRINGOLADING RUSSIAN: Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed.  A Russian man who downed three bottles of vodka survived a 5 story plunge out a window to the street below.  After his drinking binge, during which he jumped out of his kitchen window and somehow survived the fifty foot fall.  He then staggered back upstairs, where his wife berated him for being an idiot.

It is nice to note here that “understanding wives” are worldwide; I just thought it was here at my house, but it appears they are everywhere. (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

Back to crazy Ivan.

The man then tried to kill himself again, “When I heard my wife screaming at me, I thought it was best that I left the room again – out the window.”  After medics treated him for bruises, he announced he’d decided to give up drinking.

Fortunately for us, we live in the bottom level of our duplex and jumping out of a basement window, isn’t conducive to harmful behavior.  Which is one reason I stopped drinking years ago, I just got awful tired of waking up on someone’s floor, especially in a house where I did not know the occupants.

That is a real bummer.


Cartoon courtesy of Think

Nobody Cares About Your Dreams


Coffee is good this morning, a little bite to it, but that is okay, it is cold here and uncomfortable.  Americans drink about 400 million cups of coffee per day, that is a lot of coffee, that is an ocean of coffee.  Which is kind of strange, when you stop to think about it.  Coffee has no nutritional value that I know of, why we drink it is truly somewhat of a mystery.

Four out of five adults in the U.S. drink coffee every day.  I know one person who doesn’t, his favorite quote about coffee is this.  “How can something that smells so dog-gone good when it is perculating in the pot, taste so rotten afterwards.” He is not a caffeine junky like the rest of us.

We average about two cups per day in this country, per consumer, that would be about 1/3 of the worlds’ supply of the elixir.  I understand that coffee contains 100 milligrams of caffeine; a cup of espresso has 200.

No More Free Toasters

You can now add Credit Unions to the list of people signing up for the bailout money, they applied for and received $40 billion worth this week to bolster against mortgage losses.  You know the other day I was sitting at the beanery waiting for them to bring me my order and I was staring out the window.  And I got that glazed over look in my eye and the wife said to me, “I know I shouldn’t but I am gonna anyway.  What are you thinking about”?”

And I said, “Oh, I was thinking back a long time ago, when we were young and stupid and we invested in that Ponzi scheme.  You remember that?” and she said, “Oh Lord, whatever made you think of that?”

For all of you that are not aware, a Ponzi scheme is a get rich deal, most of the time called a “Pyramid Scheme” and the people, who get in early, make tons of money, the others, well they don’t do so well.  They mainly lose their investment.  We were in the later group, we lost, about $1,000 and interest, and I made every stinking payment on it, 36 of them suckers.  (I told you we were young and stupid, we didn’t even have the money to lose, we borrowed our entry level amount … Now that was really d-u-m-b.)

So here is the deal.

I am thinking about how it is that I did something really dumb, really stupid, and I lost what I considered a large amount of money.  AND NO ONE … NOT ONE SOLITARY SOUL CAME FORWARD TO BAIL ME OUT … I HAD TO PAY EVERY DAMN DIME OF IT … AND I HAD TO TAKE MY KNOCKS THE HARD WAY. Since then, several lucrative offers have presented themselves, and we always say “no thank you.”  Our official position is that we have had so many good deals in the past, we cannot afford any more of them now.

When do WE get bailed out … Who is going to help us out … those of us that are struggling.

Business has gotten so bad here lately, even the people who were not planning on paying for it anyway, are not buying. I asked my neighbor about it and he said, “The bible says cast thy bread upon the waters and it will be returned to you 100 fold.”  Which is fine, but what are you supposed to do with 100 soggy wet loaves of bread?  When I was young, my paycheck would burn a hole in my pocket, these days it isn’t enough to keep my pocket warm.  It is truly a shame that at this point in life, you have only one regret.  And that would be that you have not accumulated enough cash to be able to fly on a moment’s notice to Japan to bid on Paul’s Sergeant Peppers uniform.

The Governor will see you now … Please have your checkbook handy

Corruption has tainted politics in Chicago (Illinois in general) since the prohibition days and Albert Scarface Capone, but the arrest Tuesday of Illinois Governor Brad Blagojevich revealed alleged conspiracy and bribery schemes so brazen that the veteran investigators and prosecutors could barely hold their revulsion.  Government for sale .. to the highest bidder, the American Way, kind of makes you proud doesn’t it?  Shades of Bill Clinton when he was governor of Arkansas.  When the highway patrol stopped you there, they would say, “Have your wife get out of the car, so the governor can frisk her.”

Here is another one out of Illinois for you. In Springfield, Zachary Holloway, 20, and a pal were arrested and charged with breaking into one car and stealing, among other things, a motorcycle helmet, then attempting to break into another car.

To try to get into the second car, Holloway put on the helmet, stood back from the car, and charged into it, head-butting a window, unsuccessfully, twice.  They were arrested and booked that day.

Finally coming clean

Some 20 years after the Exxon Valdez oil spill, plaintiffs in the case are getting what’s left of the money they were originally awarded, the Anchorage Daily News reports.  Some plaintiffs will get amounts ranging from several hundred dollars to $100K or more.  Most had just about given up hope of getting anything from it at all.

Now lets see, you take an amount of money, put it in the bank and allow it to sit, for say …. Oh let’s just say “twenty years” … that might accumulate enough in interest where you end up never paying a fine at all.  Just thinking outside the box.  Naw, “our friends in the oil and gas industry” wouldn’t do that to us … would they?

Oh well it could be worse (how could it possibly be worse?) you could be in your car, stranded on an Alaskan highway and the only human within 200 miles is a Cro-Magnon Woman wearing a torn parka who communicates through a series of bizarre grunts, winks and gesticulations and she not only comes to your rescue, but you have to “talk to her” all the way back to town.

Lying crooks what is this world coming to?

In the city that launched the national crime-stopper movement, Albuquerque, New Mexico, which pays informants for tips that help police solve local crimes there could be a possible snag.  It appears now the highly successful program designed for, “people that hang out with crooks to do part time work” might be providing the cops with “less than truthful information” for the rewards.

It appears that even in hard times, the low life’s will resort to less than honest approaches at generating funds.  Police are now saying that they are going to have to be more careful because they “might be playing games with us” in order to get the money.  Geeze, do you think so?  Bad cop, bad cop, no donut.

Man, I would like a shot at that myself.

Barre, Vermont. A man who hit Governor Douglas in the face with a pie during an Independence Day parade will spend five days on a work crew for the prank.  Matthew Manning, 23, pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and apologized.  Manning, dressed as Santa Claus ran up to Douglas during the Montpelier parade and threw the pie before being tackled by the mayor and being detained.  I would like to pay this man’s fine, if there is one, but I am curious.  “Santa Claus at an Independence Day celebration, what were you thinking?”

Time to wrap this one up.

If you attend the job fair/money seminar at the Holiday Inn this weekend?  When the speaker begins the seminar by saying, “By a show of hands, how many of you don’t know the difference between a stock and a bond?” and you are the only one with your hand in the air?

Go immediately to the Lobby … American Xpress or Bank Of America are looking for you.  You might have a new job Monday morning.

Who says things aren’t looking up.


We are still valiantly trying to hit “one million” visits by March 12th of 2009, please help us to achieve this goal.  Post the address anywhere you like (, tell all your friends, ask them to just stop by and check it out.  Help us to make this happen!

Back Off (audio)

Leave Me Alone I am disgruntled

Leave Me Alone I am disgruntled

Went to the doctor on Friday, part of my yearly check up and planned maintenance schedule. You see life doesn’t begin after forty, maintenance begins after forty. Recently my sister said “that sixty was the new forty” and I love my sister, but she has that wrong, she isn’t even close … Sixty is the new Sixty and that is the name of that tune.

My doctor says my blood pressure is high, I am winning the lottery on my cholesterol and all in all, I should not be here, but I am. Another mystery of medical science.

He says that my weight is perfect if I was seven feet tall! He cannot do a thing about this fungus on my thumb and I should be encased in something that they make pickles out of.

So I am sitting there and I tell him (the doctor) that I am somewhat depressed with all this government crap, Obammer not willing to show his birth certificate to anyone, McSame not remembering where it is he lives, Sarah Palin and her views on loading your own ammo. So I ask him about some anti-depressants and what could he give me.

He said he could give me this stuff that would alleviate a lot of my anxiety, but that he would have to schedule checkup’s for at least 84 days to check on me. I suggested that perhaps he could pass on that, and instead, just listen to the Police Scanner.

But he said no dice.

So I am back to my own reality, not a good week for government, business, and doctor appointments. I suppose we are onto another four years of pretending that the Global Warming issue is NOT an issue and we are going to burn freight-train loads of “Clean Coal.” Which like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Big Foot and UFO’s, the Republican Flat Earth theory, all of which do not exist.

Bush did promise, exactly like McSame has promised, that he would impose mandatory emission controls not only on carbon dioxide but also on three other dangerous pollutants. Unfortunately in Bush’s case, that quickly took a back burner position in the government kitchen, and he went back to sitting in the oval office popping bubble wrap and playing video games.

With all this current rounds of check kiting schemes and far fetched financial programs going on, I have forgotten if we are going to drill the tundra or not? We are going to punch holes in this theory too. Welcome to the wonderful world of Washington Fuzzy Thinking.

What, you wonder, does drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge have to do with solving the energy problem in California? Absolutely, nothing. Less than one percent of California’s electricity comes from oil. So it pretty apparent that dog isn’t gonna hunt.

Wind power, Mr. T. Boone Pickens plan is currently being tossed about, take a look at that. He wants to be the Saudi Arabia of wind-power on the American plains. Take a gander at how much land it would take to accomplish this lofty goal, it boggles the mind.  To get the United States off foreign energy, we would need 41,767,850 turbines, which would over an area of 10,441,962.5 acres of land.  This is also 16,316 square miles or nearly the size of Vermont and New Hampshire combined.

The complete article can be found here ….

Perhaps after one solid week of “bad news” this is why this morning I find myself disgruntled. I always loved that word “disgruntled” my boss used it quite a lot. It has that “Metamucil” (laxative) sound to it. I am a bit disgruntled; I ate too much cheese last night on my pizza. You get disgruntled when you see that the amount of gas you used last year at this time was $54.54 and this year, the same amount of gas, is $110.47.

And then there is Joe Biden who this week is quoted as saying …. “It is your patriotic duty to pay higher taxes.”

That will make you disgruntled for sure.

Finding myself debilitated by a series of bad news announcements, I have sank into a truly pitiable senescence attitude, surrounded by newspapers I no longer can stand to read, and once again bitching about the moron’s in our government this morning.What the hey?  It beats mowing the lawn or finding yourself on the wrong-end of weed whacker.

Bad news just has that effect on me.  I just naturally find myself bent out of shape.  And after the week I have had … It is no small wonder I feel yucky.


Parting Shot: “Cheer up.  Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?  And Rap Music will be considered Golden Oldies!”

Checking the mirror

You ever wonder why the hair on top of your head goes away, and the hair inside your ears, starts to grow? Just doesn’t make sense to me. When your eyebrows start looking better than the rest of your body, then I would say you are in trouble. This week I sent away for a free information package on the Burt Reynolds Toupee, maybe the answers are there.

I will post a picture later, right now you will just have to settle for a mental image. Just picture in your mind, if you can, a slightly balding old guy sitting in his chair in his underwear typing and singing and softly humming a catchy Garth Brooks tune …….. Yeah, that should do it.

Speaking of answers? If you are all caught up in the election debacle going on right now and need your daily dose of it. Here you go. Everything that you ever wanted to know about Sarah Yummy-Mummy. Everything you could possibly want to know here. Just pick out a topic and let ‘er rip!

I have sort of been out of pocket here this week, with all the recent rain from the hurricanes in the gulf, the grass has been growing in the backyard to beat the band. I have had to contend with that, and I have also been spending an inordinate amount of time out there practicing my Big Foot Mating calls. Never did hear the verdict on that, was it real or fake? Isn’t all this weird?

Yeah, well YOU try living a normal life in OKLAHOMA during football season.

Watched the news the other day, I am sort of like a Meth addict with 600% more tattoo’s than the rest of society. I know that this stuff is NOT good for me, but I find I still need it anyway. Afterwords I am depressed and down in the dumper, I should know better.

Every time something happens of a negative nature in this country, we seem to blame it on oil. I wonder if anyone might suspect these OPEC and other foreign oil fields may be producing close to their capacity?

If this is true, they cannot possibly continue to feed the world at these levels for much longer. Now if someone would just invent a car that would run on B.S. we would all be set. Plenty of that around here lately.

Think I might get out of the house today and see if I can locate some new CD’s and some music. I have signed up for a new class at the community college next month, “Perverted pumpkin carving for the criminally insane” thought I might find a sharp knife, some new tunes for my I-Pod and check that out.

I am not going anywhere and seem to find free time on Tuesdays & Wednesdays.

Grandson is coming over later on today; he has been showing me how to hot-wire a Dodge Mini-Van. We are so proud he is picking up marketable skills since he got out. Times are tough; it pays to have a skill these days. I am reading where a lot of cities are going to start charging us more for water, garbage pick up, all this stuff keeps going up, and we (our lifestyle) keep going down.

We keep hearing or have been told we are going to have pay more for less, and that kind of irks me.  Man that __________ me off!

In the past year, road user fee’s in the state of Oklahoma generated some $980 million dollars and only $520 of that actually went to the highways. I hit a pot hole the other day as big as the state of Vermont for cryin’ out loud. We produced 66 million barrels of oil for the nation last year, we are the third largest producer of natural gas in the nation.

Why are we being asked to pay more.

Now take a look north. Thanks to Alaska’s oil wealth, every man, woman, and child in that state will soon receive a check for $3,269.00. $2,069.00 is their cut of the state’s annual oil revenues, plus a special bonus this year of $1,684 to off-set soaring fuel costs.

What did you get?

If you are like the rest of America …You got a “promise” of change … that should tide you over, get you down the boulevard a mile or two.

While “change” was the most used word by speakers at the Democratic convention, the Republicans top word was “taxes”, mentioned an average of 46 times per every 25,000 words spoken (and that was only Joe Biden, we don’t have he statistics on the other speakers). The next word that was extremely popular was the word “business.” The tie for third place tie was “God” and “change.”

It appears that both sides are disingenuous here, and when they talk business, the rest of us take it in the shorts. I spotted a bum downtown yesterday, lying in a pile of trash bags with a sign that read: “If you lived here, you would already be home.” I guess he didn’t get a check either. Meanwhile McSame says he believes that the economy is fundamentally sound and in great shape.


Checking the mirror I see … A life lesson for me. Never forget the hand that helps you up … Or the boot that shows you to the door. No matter what it is that I have in life, it is never gonna be ‘euff .. I am always going to want more.


Parting shot: “Politics is a serious matter that needs NOT to be left to just only Politicians.  A Conservative Government is in reality a semi-organized body of hypocrisy.”

Short Lived …


Saudi Arabia said that it will increase production of crude this year if the market needs it. But the vague pledge fell far short of what the U.S. hopes were, I guess Dubya wasn’t that convincing? Back on your knees boys! (There is a related story on page #28 but it is the same old crap) Saudi Arabia cannot keep pumping sweet crude at these levels, they are unsustainable and if they have not peaked, they will in the future.

They are not our saving grace by a long shot.

Remember “the good ol’ days” when your old hoopie would not hold $25 worth of fuel, and now $50 won’t even fill it up. Recently Okie City Oklahoma finished “dead last” (-50) among U.S. cities in a study about areas best equipped to cope with rising fuel prices. I suppose some government agent drove thru town on a Saturday and counted all the Okies sitting on their front porches, some of them wailing softly in the warm summer air.

Rhode Island has recently passed a bill that makes hassling people via Email or threatening people via the Internet a felony. You flame someone on the net in Rhode Island and you could be looking at some jail time. They are calling it “Cyber-Harassment” which is the new politically correct word for “nasty or downright rude.”

On July 1st it will cost more to get married in Vermont. Marriage licenses. which were previously $23 are going up in price, to $45 (almost doubled). Some of the new monies will be used to pay for Domestic Violence, which is certainly a new one, money collected for Heavenly Matrimony is now used to combat not so heavenly home lives.

Marriage is give and take, always has been. When I got married I learned how to laugh and how to cry. When I want to laugh, I just think of my sex life, when I want to cry, I just think of my sex life. And I saved $45 on top of it.  Can’t beat a deal like that.

Alabama’s Governor released the names and sources of $847,000 that he spent on his second inaugural. Must have been some party huh? Most of the money came from big corporations and lobbyists; I don’t suppose this will make a difference to the Republican Governor.

And I thought Oklahoma was bad.

Daddy can I have the jet? Before the tires have even cooled on the Big Bird, Connie now wants it to fly to Asia and Europe. One crew of home-wreckers gets home, and the second shift loads up and heads out, who says there isn’t any efficiency in Government these days.

She is going to Berlin, Tokyo, Seoul and China, her first stop is a Palestine donors conference in Berlin today. We are going to be helped out of our oil addiction by these people who seem to be pre-occupied in burning up a lot of it these days, flying all around the world.

Yesterday some bozo sent me a hurtful Email, don’t look for it in the comments section, I am still in control. I don’t think he would have done that, if he had known the facts. People of my breed (men) are sensitive animals.

Popular culture may paint men as the stronger sex, but from the moment a boy is born, his life is more likely than his sister’s to be cut short. Across national and cultural boundaries, men die an average of seven years earlier than women; the disparity in the United States is approximately five years. We don’t need the aggravation and/or irritation.

In a new book, Why Men Die First, Marianne Legato, a specialist in gender-specific medicine at Columbia University, explains: Men are genetically and biologically fragile to start with, and societal norms that encourage and even demand risky behavior by men put them at risk. Still, Legato told U.S. News, men and their families can push back. She listed numerous reasons why males die prematurely—and several actions they can take to prolong their time.

After reading this book this week, I believe I know what my own personal problem might be.

I wanted to be more feminist when I was in High School, but unfortunately, my boyfriend would not allow it. Now look where I am at? (Are you allowed to end a sentence with a preposition? Important questions and it isn’t even the middle of the week ..  What will I do – What will I do?)

AP is reporting that they have caught a female serial killer in Florida. Eight men. But she didn’t actually kill them outright. She gained access to their homes in the daytime when they were at work, and she hid all their remote control devices, so they killed themselves.

And they wonder why we die first?