Speedos, Banana Slings, and Fairy Tales

Hugo Chavez, the current dictator in Caracas, Venezuela is moving all of the country’s gold from London back to Venezuela, all 211 tons of it.  He is sure that it will be attached or frozen by some government other than his own, so he is bringing it back to Venezuela.  It most likely will be used to finance his re-election campaign.

That is a lot of gold, but here is some real chump change.  It is reportedly the “largest gold coin” ever minted.  Let’s see you hide this one under the bed.

Los Angeles and several other cities around the country are reporting a new rise in robberies in area’s that deal specifically with gold.  With the price in the near $2K range, it just seems to bring out the worst in people.

In Cherokee country, Georgia for instance, they now require all gold buyers to fingerprint sellers and send their names to the sheriffs office.  Los Angeles police say jewelry-store owners aren’t the only ones who should be worried; they’re also warning members of the public “against flaunting their bling.”

Here in Oklahoma, we do not have this problem, our life savings consisting of a Folgers Coffee Can filled with spare change are well hidden and cleverly disguised, on top of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

A 61 year old beach lifeguard is suing New York state, claiming he was fired for refusing to wear a skin tight Speedo swimsuit.  He worked at Jones Beach for over 40 years before being told he must take his annual test in Speedo.  His answer?  “I wore a speedo when I was in my 20’s.  But come on.  There should be a law prohibiting anyone over the age of 50 from wearing a Speedo.”

Last year we were in Florida, and I could not even go down to the beach.

All the little kids would grab me by my ankles and started yelling to each other …. “Get him in the water before he dies!”  Then there is the matter of tan lines …  but we are not going there … No sir.  I have to agree, keep the banana slings for the younger set.  (Hey, don’t blame me.  WordPress.com says that your page is much, much more interesting with pictures!)

If you are still not convinced … For all you middle-aged-die-hards that want to look better in one of these, we have provided a link for you.  It’s all there … HOW TO LOOK BETTER IN  A SPEEDO … HOW TO INCREASE YOUR BULGE IN A SPEEDO … HOW TO WEAR A SPEEDO … HOW TO FIT INTO A BOY’S SPEEDO .. HOW TO LEARN TO SWIM IN  A SPEEDO AND LAST … SPEEDO ETIQUETTE.  Just click on the photo and make a wish.

(Speaking of making a wish?  Nice blend, yeah I know … Thanks)

Has anyone seen Tinker belle?

A Mexican man has captured what he says is a real-life fairy and preserved it in formaldehyde.  He says he was picking guavas when he saw something he initially thought was a firefly.  When he caught it, he saw an inch-long red-and-yellow humanoid creature, and “I know that it was a fairy godmother.”  (made me wonder if he has seen Elvis or any UFO’s lately?)

He hasn’t explained why it died.

Hundreds of local peasants have lined up to pay him to see preserved fairy in a glass bottle, which some say looks incredibly like a plastic toy.  Good lesson here.  If you catch a fairly, make sure you poke some air-holes in the bottle and do not pick guavas without a suitable head covering, when the sun gets high in the sky.

Here is a classic from the … Please don’t talk to me I am stupid files.

Long Beach, California police arrested a man for taking a photograph of “no aesthetic value.”  The man who takes photos for a local newspaper, was detained after snapping shots of an oil refinery.  Police say photography is considered “suspicious activity” if officers determine that it isn’t “regular tourist behavior.”

And you thought The Patriot Act or Sarah Palin was scary?

Consider this.

Rick Perry has never lost an election in 27 years of holding public office in Texas.  Might pay to remember .. “A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.”  When I look at this guy and then I think back to George Wubya, well, it just kind of curls the hair on the back of my neck.

Bar Hopping for dummies 101 ….

A new smartphone app guides drinkers to the closest purveyor of beer, and can be calibrated for favorite brand and cheapest price.  When asked what this app should be called, these were the clear cut winners.

EinStein
Head-hunter
IHops

I’ll drink to that …  Hump Day!  Hang in there wage slaves, you almost have it made.

OOO

Tree Hugger

tree huggerHeard any good jokes lately?

I thought so.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what  the heck are you doing?”

“I’m  listening to the music of the tree,” the other  man replied.

“You’ve  gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he  wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed  his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two  hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook  his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and  said, “This just ain’t gonna be your day………….cupcake…”

Believe it or not, it wasn’t long ago, I actually heard people talking optimistically about things, the economy, society, the nation.  Every now and then, a joke or amusing antidote, not so now.  It used to be happier around here.

But that seems to have died down again,

It wasn’t all that long ago, when people would off hand say to you “Have A Nice Day” or “You Have A Good One.”  Stuff like that seems to be rare anymore, almost as if it dried up and died overnight in this country.  We as a nation for the most part are part of the walking wounded now, it is as if we have almost turned into a nation of zombies, just pacing our way through the motions.

I guess the oil companies decided enough was enough and it is time to exact another pound of flesh.  Just when we seemed like we were on top of it, and coming out the other side, here they come to punish us again.

knocked down

Perhaps it is just me, but it appears on the outside that American’s are smiling less these days, you just don’t hear many good jokes, people seem to be pre-occupied and they seem to be worrying more.  Happiness it appears is down and sadness is up, and for good reason.

Bought any groceries or gasoline lately, I rest my case.

The obvious culprit in all this is the recession, it did not go away, it kind of took a nap for a little while, but it seems to be back.  So in order to counter it, we are smoking more and sleeping less, yeah, that should work. Some will tell you our problems are not a lack of money, but the uncertainty of it all.  I don’t see many bankers letting go of the money, and if they are, it certainly isn’t in any volumes that I would tend to brag about.

So it must be the uncertainty of it all.

We don’t know if our boats are being lifted with the tide or if we are still sinking, we know not of a rush on the stock market or whether or not we will have a job next week, and that is taking its collective toll.

I find myself idly sitting around day-dreaming of a day when I can escape it all and head out for a new adventure in life. Exotic locales such as Venezuela call to me, places of National Geographic fame beckon to me.  To go from Canaima, through the Sabana, the Jungle and the rivers Carrao & Churu, where you will enjoy ne of the biggest emotions of life.

To be in the midst of the green velvet that is home to the families of parrots (some 900 species at last count), and the jungle cats, who are often heard, but almost never seen.

To be in a land of sparse facilities just nothing but a base camp.  Guides as natives, all experts, who will take you through troubled waters, where just a few have made it.  And you be one of them.  I guess that is why things have to change, we know not, whether it will be good or bad, we just want it to do something.

Life is different at every age, and often, beautiful too.  Thank God.  How boring it would be to stay the same for our whole lives.

Have A Nice Day.

OOO

“The cartoon was published by the Center for American Progress” (online)

Primary Digits

cheep-gas

The rig count in America again drops this week, we don’t have to go looking for it anymore, the price is down.  Our fuel problem has been solved, all it took was a major recession to do it. As it inches upward again, I am wondering why no one is drilling anything other than the consumer or the U.S. Taxpayer.

The Numbers Are Not Good — Sorry.

693,000 jobs were cut in December and more to come.  The U.S. Economy is now stepping into one of the worst downturns since World War II.  Lenovo, China’s biggest personal-computer maker is laying off some 2,500 people because of no demand for their product.  Unemployment here in the United States is predicted now to exceed 9.2% by 2010.  Things are so bad now, that the government announced that the “end of the world” has been postponed by at least two years, so that they can try and collect some of the $1.2 trillion that they owe on the National Debt.

Fueling the Poor

Citgo, the Venezuelan government’s U.S.-based oil subsidiary, reversed course Wednesday and said it will continue shipments of heating oil to poor families in the United States.  How sad is that, we have a foreign country, who’s dictator calls our President disparaging names and insults him in public (United Nations) supplying the fuel to heat the homes of our nation’s poor.  Chavez an outspoken critic of the U.S. has often been quoted as calling Bush “El Diablo” (the devil)

Teen Birth Rates are up

Atlanta Disease Control released a new report today that found that Mississippi “now has the nation’s highest teen pregnancy rate, displacing Texas and New Mexico for that lamentable title.” The report found that in 2006, the Mississippi teen pregnancy rate was over 60 percent higher than the national average and increased 13 percent since the year before.

Oxygen Starvation?

I understand that when you experience a heart attack, that often there is a lack of blood to the brain, and that in some cases, afterwards there is a memory loss.  Maybe this is what is the matter with the Vice President.  Dick Cheney is now claiming that he never exceeded his powers and that it is all “an urban legend.

I herby submit at this time, that the drive to select Puerto Rico as the fifty-first state be suspended.  I also propose that either the state of Texas or the State of Wyoming, be split down the middle, and then be renamed “the State Of Denial” to give all these nut jobs in Washington who seem to be out of touch with reality, a place to live and rule.  Sorry Puerto Rico.

Little Johnny is flunking out

Pittsburgh – Administrators at Pittsburgh Public Schools are defending a policy making 50% the lowest score students can receive. Since an “A” is 90% or above, a “B” is 80% to 89% and so on, administrators said allowing scores as low as zero gives an “F” too much weight. But teachers said some students won’t hand in assignments if guaranteed 50%.  When I was a kid, and I brought home an “F” it surely did carry too much weight, it was connected to the back of my dad’s hand.

The new curriculum in 2009 is as follows:

The Colonial Period – Basic thirteen colonies, first states, the common wealth.  The Civil War Period – Brother against Brother and the abolishment of Slavery.  The New Deal Period – FDR a chicken in every pot, Hoover Dam, let’s build a National Park.  The Deficit Period – The Bush years and the hallucination period of the Republican Party.

They can all activate and operate an X-box, send a text message, figure out a cellphone and its operating procedures in minutes, but they cannot read.  What is wrong with this picture?

What are you going to drink when you are thirsty?

Denver Colorado – Shell Oil filed for the first major water right on Yampa River in hopes of securing enough water for its oil shale development plans. Shell’s application seeks about 8% of the river’s peak spring flow. Shell said the water would be shipped to a reservoir for later use. Critics say extracting oil from shale uses too much water, which is in short supply.  Kind of makes you wonder what we will all be drinking when these companies get done polluting the last of the potable water.  If you don’t believe me, goggle oil sands or Frazier River Basin and look what they have done in Canada, and we are next.

Sorry … No Give Backs, they are not allowed.

Boise Idaho – The state attorney general said Gov. Otter, a Republican, cannot turn down a 3% pay raise. That means his salary bumps up to $111,989 for 2009. Otter announced last month he would reject the raise to show solidarity after ordering statewide budget cuts. Imagine that, a politician with some class.  Now he says he will donate the money to a scholarship fund.

Hard to believe isn’t it, here is a guy trying to do the right thing, and he is NOT allowed to do it.  I remember reading about people in Florida trying to give back Federal Money and they would not take it.  We have reached a point where we no longer suffer from our insanity, we are beginning to enjoy every minute of it every day.

It aint Starbucks, but it is a good close second.

Vassalboro Maine – This town’s planning board approved an application for a coffee shop with topless waitresses, despite opposition from some residents. More than 50 people showed up for the board’s meeting, and most of them voiced disapproval. Planners said Vassalboro has no ordinance to regulate businesses’ uniforms – or lack of them.  I am going out on limb here folks, but I believe I speak for true, loyal, dedicated coffee drinkers everywhere when I say “Leave Them Girls Alone.”

Something is not right with Freshwater.

Mount Vernon – An outside consultant testified that when a science teacher here was told to remove a Bible from his public school classroom, he checked out another Bible from the school library to make a statement. The consultant found that John Freshwater was insubordinate and had used a device to burn the image of a cross on a student’s arm. Freshwater is appealing his firing.

I want to believe

Greer South Carolina – More than 350 people attended a rally at a church to protest a federal judge’s order banning South Carolina from producing a religious license plate with the words “I Believe.” The Rev. Arnold Hiette said Christians have lost the right to public prayer. The plate includes a stained glass window with a cross.

Boxcars’ T-Shirt Philosophy for Life

  • So many toys …so little time.
  • Wish for peace, work for justice.
  • Never wash whites with colors, unless you are into pink underwear and T-shirts..
  • Who am I? — Why am I here? — What is my fate? — Where are the cookies?
  • I am fat, you are stupid, I can diet.

Never tell someone wearing underwear on his head, to leave the bus driver alone.

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“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)

Rated “E”

This post is rated “E” for entertaining.  No, educational, uh, erratic.  THIS POST IS FOR EVERYONE … Whew?  Sure glad we got that out of the way.

Oh well, it is Tuesday, and as with all Tuesday’s I have my problems.  Much like a child in grammar school, I am never prepared for the lesson on Tuesday, I am geared up for recess instead.

Most of my days, were spent in desperate contemplation of the hour in Gym class and a considerable amount of time was devoted to “the fine art of pencil sharpening and the observation of the world’ just outside the window.  I excelled in that, but unfortunately, I found out later in life, not much demand for it in the marketplace.

I used to really get into recess, which should not come as any big surprise to anyone that is a regular reader of this page.

You cannot always effectively plan for the future, especially when you are young.  I remember when released from the U.S. Military, they told me that “I could use the skills that were taught to me in the service” in my civilian occupation.  So when I found out that American Airlines wasn’t hiring any tail gunners …. I went to work for the Railroad.

This is what happens to you when you major in recess, remember this.

USA Today is reporting that stress levels are up nationwide and surprisingly, the most affected, are not adults.  The highest stress levels in the past six months have been reported by the 18-24 crowd at 64% coming in second is the 24-34 bunch 55%, 35-44 at 47%, 45-54 at close behind, 46%.  The old geezers like myself, we are just laid back and cooling it, only 37% of them reported stress.

Which is reasonable, when you stop to think about it.  We moved all “those hard to live with people out of the house” years ago.  And we are not forced to watch “Dancin’ With The Stars” three nights a week.  Did you know that more American’s voted for the winner of American Idol than voted for Bush in the last election?  True.

Might be a good day to talk about that “three ring circus” (the great American Dog & Pony Show) in the Nation’s Capitol, but to tell you the truth, I am really tired of it.  So much like T.Boone Pickens latest book (The First Billion is the hardest – Crown Business, 260 pages, $26.95) I am going to take a pass.  Having the lowest stress levels in the above group did not “just naturally occur.”  Often you have to work at it.

Good and Bad News:

Phoenix, Arizona has told home builders there that they are to install water collection systems on new homes and that they are going to collect rainwater from these systems for the watering of plants and outside shrubs.  Which is a good idea and a bad idea.  It is good to be geared up to “green thinking” and all that, it is bad, because as anyone knows.  Phoenix is in the Sonoran Desert portion of the American Southwest and generally speaking …. It doesn’t rain there much, if at all.

Biting the hand that feeds them.

Hard to believe, but like beggar’s with outstretched hands the U.S. Auto companies are trying to entice the public to purchase a new car.  Only thing is, “they are going about it in the wrong manner or fashion” if you ask me.  Now they are telling us that in order to buy a new car, we need to bring MORE cash and a larger down payment is going to be required of us.

Tighter credit standards are forcing many car buyers to put up more cash in order to qualify for a loan.  The average down payment last month was $3,108.00 which is up 42% from the same time last year ($2,194.00).  It is like some kind of shark feeding frenzy on the American consumer these days.  General Motors wants to buy Chrysler and of course, they are lining up at the Federal trough to see if they can get some creative financing in the Great American Give-Away currently enjoying a nice run in Washington DC these days.

These dumb-bells ought to take a lesson from U.S. Oil, we stopped buying their products, and we effectively proved to them that we can do without oil based-products and we can do without these new cars too.

Eat Your Oil

OPEC (namely Venezuela and Iran) are crying the blues, they are now saying that they are cutting back on spending and projects in their respective countries because of the low demand for oil.  It seems that their profits are down some fifty percent and they are experiencing a hardship.  Now everyone …. All together now … One big collective sigh for our poor energy rich oil partners. Now didn’t that feel just swell boys & girls.  Actually that is a misnomer, we (America) get most of our foreign oil from places other than Venezuela and Iran.

Canada and Mexico for instance, are big suppliers to the U.S. and it is not $700 billion as previously reported but rather around $230 billion per year, big difference.

Anchor’s Aweigh

Not to be deterred, the Boys in Dubai went shopping this week, the oil rich energy czars bought the Queen Mary II and she is going to sail to Dubai on her last voyage.  After four decades of plying the oceans of the world she is being retired and will be converted into a five-star hotel in Dubai, the flashy Arab resort Center of the Middle East (United Arab Emirates).

This leaves the sister ship with the same name still plying the oceans for a little while longer, with peak oil, there will come a time in the not so distant future, when all of them are parked and converted.

“Uh, maybe the Woodpeckers were not a good idea?”

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark . One: Don’t miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you’re stressed, float awhile. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Now, wasn’t that nice? Pass it along this Tuesday, tell all your friends, and make someone else smile, too

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