Email Of The Week (0301)

Found this in my mailbox the other day and thought I might share it with you.

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.  To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase about 10%.

But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.  This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.

I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this . They voted for change… I gave it to them.  I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic …….

Not that I am a big fan of Obama, but there is a better letter.  (There is always a better letter)

Frank walked into his new office, just as the current owner was vacating it.  He exchanged pleasantries with the unlucky fellow who has just been canned and wished him well.  The poor guy who was being fired, handed him three envelopes and said to him, “You are going to need these.  Put them in your desk until the appropriate time.”  

And then he left.

Frank placed the three envelopes in his desk and gave them little thought.  Time went by and things did not go so well for Frank in the new position, and soon the boss called him to the office.  Frank sat there and sweated, he was anxious, he was worried, what could it be?  

At that time he remembered the envelopes.

He opened the drawer and pulled them out.  They were labeled one, two and three.  He put two and three back in the drawer and quickly opened envelope #1.  There he found a slip of paper and written on it he saw ….. “Blame it on the economy.”

So when he went to the office to see the boss, that is what he did, he blamed everything on the rotten economy and slow business.  The boss seemed okay with that, and he went back to his assigned duties.  A little time goes by and then again, the dreaded phone call and the mandatory trip to the bosses office and the “how come chair?”

Again Frank reaches into the drawer and hastily grabs envelope #2, he rips it open, this time he discovers a slip of paper that reads …. “Blame it on the employee’s.”  So this time, he laid it all on the employee’s and that seemed to satisfy his boss and things again, returned to normal.

Now if you are following the story, then you know that all this time things have been going downhill and of course, it erodes to a point where Frank gets called to the office.  Quickly he reaches into his desk drawer to fetch the last envelope, #3 and just as quickly, rips it open, he unfolds the piece of paper and it reads … “Prepare three envelopes.”

Everyone has a story … Try this,

Walking Ten Miles

just to interview for a job.

Have a great weekend, we will see all of you on Monday.

OOO

Here is what folks have been reading this week at Creative Endeavors:

Home page / Archives  
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)  
A New Look  
Clear Blue Sky  
The Worry Tree  
Once Upon A Time There Was A Father  
Take Your Pick  
Swimming Alone  
12 Days Of Christmas (audio)  
Munday-Munday

Too Ambitious

Strong powers of concentration.

New York Public Library officials announced that viewing Internet porn on library computers is a constitutional right and is protected by the First Amendment.  Even they say “if the groaning disturbs other patrons in the library”

In other words, you can watch whatever you want in the New York Public Library.

Have you ever wondered which state has the highest subscription rate to online porn?  (I am sure this is a popular topic around the water cooler on Monday mornings … “Say Stan, have you noticed all the body hair is now gone?”)  Believe it or not, the state with the highest number of porn subscriptions is Utah, the home of Orrin Hatch that marvelous guy in Washington who hates just about everything across the board.

So sneaky readers or perverse consumers of evil … Word of caution.

In Oklahoma, if caught, you will immediately be taken to a fresh plowed field of winter wheat, stripped, laid down, your butt tickled with a fresh cut barley weed and then summarily whipped with a half-limp-wet noodle.  “We don’t put up with that kind of ____ around here” was the exact quote I believe.  There is even more, we don’t seem to have much tolerance for the things of life in Oklahoma.  Here are few.

So be advised, use a little common sense for cryin’ out loud!  If you are posting this kind of naked-body-hairless stuff on your phone or webpage (sexting) always wear the monkey mask, that should give you some kind of protection and keep your identity safe (anon).

Don't do this at the library

Flying Jackie Chan

Hong Kong Airlines announced it is requiring its flight attendants to learn Wing-Chug a form of Kung Fu, to subdue unruly passengers.  “In the event” you have too many cocktails, they are instructed to slap your sorry butt back into your seat and immediately end your Barry Manilow karaoke session in business class post-haste.  Thank you for choosing Hong Kong Airlines.

Taxes …. Should the rich pay more?

Here is my take on it.  No.  If I can figure it out, you would think they could.  Believe it or not, the top 1% are paying 32% of the load.  Calling for more ruinous taxes on workers and success, destroys “the fundamental promise of America” itself.  My biggest fear, my #1 nightmare I could think of is “outliving my income” now that would be nasty.  It used to be walking in the dark, nude, and then backing into a buttered doorknob.

It must be true, I read it on the Internet.

The penguin keeper at a zoo in Germany had to stop wearing his favorite black and white rubber boots after a male penguin fell in love with them.  The penguin, known as Bonaparte, has been obsessed with his keeper’s boots since the start of mating season, evidently mistaking them for a female.

He would nuzzle them passionately and the keeper had to switch to blue colored boots until Bonaparte finds a flesh and blood mate.  Penguins are monogamous in nature, so it was the safe thing to do, switch boots, so he could move on.  I had the same problem with a guy I met on the beach in San Francisco the summer of 2006 while on vacation.

Where Are The Jobs?

This morning I am reading of a girl in LA who submitted 15 resumes last week and no replies.  Then when she signs up for unemployment they tell her she is “overly ambitious” because she wants to work at anything … even min. wage … she is told she is “overqualified” with a college education.  All this New World Global Economy stuff has me really concerned.  Our priorities are all wrong.  Kind of strange when you stop and think about all this non-sense or non-action going on right now concerning the unemployed and the down and out.

If nine fully loaded jumbo Jets crashed every year, something would be done about it.  Every year more than 4,000 teenagers die in car crashes.  We send children to bed hungry every night in this country, one in five Americans is now on food stamps.  We build roads and bridges in countries where most people ride a donkey to town and you cannot locate this place on a map or globe on any given day.  Still no one can find work.

Here is a novel idea:

Upgrade our nation’s roads, bridges, and other basic infrastructure:

18,000 new jobs for every $1 billion invested.

We need to tell our friends in Washington (what few we have left) that coming together is a beginning.  Keeping together is progress.  Working together is Success.  Try and remember that boys N girls, the next time you draft all this mind numbing legislation that frankly is getting us nowhere.

Year after year these clowns do this to us and WE allow it.  Sure makes a guy wonder why he even bothers to vote.

And if you vote for me …… Uh huh, sure.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress

Hot Iron

Ah spring in Oklahoma, the Walmart tree bags are in full bloom, the fence rows are full of plastic and there is a pronounced crispness in every breath I take.

New life abounds everywhere I look and love is in the air.

Just this week I got a desperate plea from a Nigerian woman who tells me that she has me in her every thought, and that she is related to the Royal Nigerian Family who desperately need me to finance her trip to the United States.  It is so nice to be needed.  Don’t you think it is nice to have a dream?

Everyone has a dream.  A tomorrow.  A someday.

So in order to promote these principles lucky for us, we have media experts who create for us our world, they are the Dream Catchers of our society.  They outline for us in vivid detail, organize our dreams, prioritize our needs and help us to make plans. They, for lack of a better descriptive, color our world to speak

And unfortunately, every now and then, they go outside the lines, and they screw up.

If you want to work with Chrysler, don’t bad-mouth its hometown of Detroit.  Chrysler’s social-media agency, New Media Strategies, learned the lesson the hard way after a employee used Chrysler’s Twitter feed, apparently by mistake, to express the thought that it was “ironic that Detroit is known as the Motor city, yet no one here knows how to f—ing drive.”

The employee was summarily fired and Chrysler promptly announced that it wouldn’t  renew with New Media Strategies saying that the tweet wrongly disparaged “Detroit and its hardworking people.’  The misstep was particularly unwelcome since Chrysler has been hailing the success of a new advertising tagline it introduced in a Super Bowl ad in February “Imported from Detroit.”

Things in general, are not all that great in Detroit.  Detroit recently has experienced a population plunge.  Detroit’s population shrank by 25% in the past ten years to its lowest level in a century, as growing numbers of blacks joined their white brothers in fleeing the troubled city.

The U.S. Census Bureau fixed the city’s population at 713,777, making it smaller than Indianapolis.  The last time Detroit’s population was so low as in 1910, when the city’s mainstay automotive industry was just setting up shop.  Detroit has the highest percentage of Muslim’s (and illegal Mexicans) in the country now, most of its infrastructure is crumbling, business has left and is in advanced stages of general decay.  Another great city of the American culture slowly sinks into the horizon and out of sight.

Most had figured the population would be closer to 800,000 and the mayor has asked the Census Bureau to recheck its head count.  Of course, if he could just find another 40,000 willing souls to agree that they live in this hole, that would qualify his city for increased state and federal aid.

Which they apparently need desperately now.

All this new Hot Iron imported out of Detroit, buckin and snortin’, high-horse macho machines, ready to hit the highway.  Texas I understand has just raised its speed limits to 85 miles miles per hour in some sections of their state … all of it there for the taking … Just takes a $4 gallon of gasoline to make it all happen ….  Here I sit, in my ten year old hoopie, stuck on the on ramp.

Oh well, it could be worse, I could be for instance, find myself being called to prayer seven times a day and standing on the sidewalk in Detroit.

Have a great weekend, if that is still possible?

OOO

By The Numbers

paulson

78% of Americans think too much money was spent on the 2008 prudential election.  57% said they support campaign-spending limits, while 38% said candidates should be allowed to spend as much as they can raise.

34% of voters said the historic 2008 election made them “more proud” to be American.  While only 12% said it made them less proud.  45% said the election did not change how they view America.

Pride goeth before a bad fall …. This next item concerning our social mores, is definitely nothing to be proud of.

The adultery gap in America is narrowing.  A new study out finds that the lifetime rate of infidelity for men has risen from 20% over the past decades to 28% today.  For women, the infidelity rate has risen much more dramatically, from 5% to 15%.    Improved health of post-menopausal women and men over 50 … along with drugs for treatment of ED has kept people sexually active much longer, creating at the same time more opportunity for infidelity.

Plus the fact that Americans have this laissez-faire attitude and don’t seem to worry about it.  But the bottom line remains the same … It is not nice to monkey, with another monkey’s monkey. You aint foolin’ anyone but yourselves.

The government just released new figures on the joblessness rate or the unemployment rate in the country.  6.1% up from 4.5% this same time a ago.  Officials state that it “is not good” but it’s not “awful” unless of course, you are now living under a freeway underpass in a cardboard major appliance carton that was built in China.  This “summa of job angst” rose in September to 11% the highest level in 14 years.

Whirlpool announces that it will cut 5,000 jobs, Chrysler 4,300 blue collar workers, Goldman Sachs and Xerox said that they will eliminate “thousands of positions.”  Publishers Gannet, McGraw-Hill, Time Inc and Tribune Co, all announced similar plans.  The hemorrhaging continues and I guess my book deal has been shelved for awhile.

More?

Sarah Palin is currently the third choice of Republicans who are looking ahead to 2012, 35% say they’d support Mitt Romney as the GOP nominee, 28% favor Mike Huckabee, and only 20% back the Caribou Barbee.

People who do not learn from their mistakes are prone to repeat them.  Kind of like American Idol, “here he is our current week’s loser, back to sing for you again!”

70% of most American Journalists said that they wanted to see Barack Obama win in 2008.  9% rooted for McCain and only 8% did not support any candidate whatsoever.  Things are so bad that a popular Republican blog site has resorted to writing and posting articles on Sarah Palin’s children’s underwear.

Now that is not only pitiful, but downright disgusting.

The average cost of using another banks ATM is now $3.43 per visit, while a bounced check has risen to $28.95 up 2.5% over last year.  Now aren’t you glad we gave all that money to those poor, poor bankers.  And if that doesn’t row your boat, this will.

Despite five straight losing quarters and a 70% fall in its stock price in 2008, Merrill Lynch has set aside $6.7 billion, that is “billion” with a “B” boys and girls, for year end bonus payments to its employees.

Meanwhile back at the ranch.  This week I received a notice of changes of agreement which is basically a nice form letter saying WE win and YOU lose again from my friendly credit card people … They said that if I exceeded the limits on my card …  they were going to come take my first born male child.

But other than that … Everything here at the local watering hole is just swell, how you doin?

000

“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)

Things Are Pretty Good … No Really.

The wind is out of the south, like a blast furnace has suddenly fired up on the north side of Dallas and it has all blown an ill wind to my side of town.Hot here, and it is heating up as summer approaches. It was so hot here today, I saw a dog chasing a cat, and they both were walking.

Which just reminded me, only a few days and it will be July.The wheat is in, time to kick back, a holiday.Watermelon, potato salad, fried dead cluckers, and the Fourth of July, an American tradition.

Unfortunately it also brings another year of Oklahoma idiot news reports of dumb-bells blowing up tomato’s and assorted large items of fruit to point out the dangers of fireworks.Mini-documentary Videos of Okies buying the stuff, and then having the Oklahoma City Fire Marshall confiscate it when they cross the county line, happens every year.So you tell me, has there ever been documented proof of anyone “actually eating a sparkler?”

Give me a break.

A 21 year old tanning salon operator in Connecticut has been arrested and given two years probation for taking photo’s of teenagers in a tanning salon thru a ceiling tile in the roof.He did this with a cellphone (reach out, reach out, and bug somebody!), he told the judge that he was up there crawling in the overhead, using his cellphone as a light, to inspect wiring.(Yeah I know, and they walk amongst us, and they also procreate.)

Checking the wiring?Uh huh, sure.That is like, “in case of a water landing, your seat cushion will become a floatation device.”I believed that one too.

In case you’re interested, there is a way where you can figure out if you are living next to one of these perverts.You just go to Felonspy.com . After you type in your address, it pinpoints all the people close to your home that have been convicted of ANY felonies. Then you just click on the red pins/balloons on the map and it gives you the offenders name, age, and felony offense.

And don’t go typing my address in there that is not funny, and yes, the “pictures at the Post Office” have come down.

Trucking companies in Arizona are saying that thieves are stealing diesel fuel out of the trucks while the drivers are sleeping with “high volume pump devices.”This was formerly known as a garden hose back in the old days, now as we are in the 21st Century this has been changed to “high volume devices.”Here is a novel idea, buy some locking gas caps.Yawn.

My Daddy used to say on the annual trek back to Oklahoma in the 50’s and 60’s.He said he could always tell when he was getting close to Oklahoma.The wife would get bitchy, the kids started fighting in the car, and he had the urge to siphon some gas.

Back in the good ol’ days, eh?

The news tonight was the same old crap … 81.5% of the people you ask will tell you “We are on the wrong track, and things is bad man, really bad.”The public mood in this country is like a carton of eight day old milk left out on the kitchen counter, kind of sour right now.With the high price of gasoline, this debacle in Afghanistn and Pakistan, people are not all that upbeat.I believe the exact quote I heard last was something about “going to hell in a hand-basket?”

Unemployment isn’t all that bad, 5.5% that isn’t terrible, not good, but not terrible.Living standards from a historical viewpoint are the best they have been in recent years, things are, believe it or not, pretty good.But when you turn on the television, “the sky is falling … the sky is falling” and the mood is mostly somber.  I have been kind of concerned about it myself.(Some guy just the other day sent me an email that said, I sure wish you would stop whining about all this ______ .)

It occured to me, “if the news ever gets brighter, we are going to be in trouble.”  There is truly going to be a void in America (one of these days).Who am I going to blame for Global Warming, then there is the terrorism thing (that mostly did not happen but it could, any time now, according to the government), instability in the oil producing countries, oops, excuse me, “the middle east.”This invasion thing, supporting Israel, and/or pillaging the resources of the planet on an untold scale.

What I am going to do, if the news does a turn around, and everything is all of a sudden …. good?  Where will be my simplistic worldview of things then?

Luckily for me, my very own Charlie Sheen star is on the horizon and it is shining down on me.

000

Mi Casa – Su Casa (My house, Your house)

What the U.S.A. gives … The U.S.A. takes away.

Sorry Amigo.

What is that old expression?  “You have to take the bitter with the sweet.”  Yeah, that is it.  What a scary life this must be.  Not long ago, at a Mexican drop-off bus stop, I observed this guy, standing there, alone, suitcase in his hand, looking around forlorn and somewhat confused.

Alone in a country, an alien, here uninvited, illegal, not speaking the language and no job.  Sends a shiver down my spine.  Recent statistics and media news say our Hispanic population has fallen on hard times, much like the rest of us.  The golden pot at the end of the rainbow has shut down and the yellow brick road has dried up.

Our South Of The Border friends are now finding out how it is to live in this country and what it is like to be unemployed.  Housing having shut down, more and more of them are finding employment here in this country, hard to find.  We could very well be headed backwards instead of forward (on this so-called recovery) it appears to be getting worse rather than getting better.

Might be like the “old days” when they all stood on the corner, a guy drives up, loads five or six in the pickup, and takes them to work.  It is my profound hope that this is not a precursor to even worse things to happen in the future as the situation continues to erode.

What politicians never seem to understand is that when people get hungry, they also get desperate, and this always leads to bad news.  Regardless if it is in this country or abroad, people on the brink, respond terribly when put in this position.

Unemployment in the U.S. is rising faster among Hispanic’s than the rest of the U.S. Population.  As the economy slows, it creates this thing called the ripple effect throughout the nation; you who are here uninvited, are now on the downside of it all.  Please make note of our Emergency Exits in Texas and Arizona.

America now has another hungry mouth to feed, and because of neglect, incompetence, sloth or greed, the cabinet is bare.  It could be time for all of you to load up and go home, but in all honesty, your prospects there are not all that rosy either.  I don’t have all the answers … sorry.

Poor Mexico … So far from God and so close to the United States.

The weakening job market, state and federal crackdowns on illegal immigrants have reduced the amount of money being sent home to Mexico, putting an added strain on things.  Millions of families depend on so-called remittance payments to the home base, and if the current trend continues, the effects will be felt on BOTH sides of the border.

If they have not been already.

Hispanic’s are at the bottom of the food chain in this country to begin with.  The latest static’s available on assimilation into the culture; rate them at the rock bottom.  This could be why most have a tendency to find it hard to blend in.

  • Canadians 53%
  • Philippines 49%
  • Cuba 43%
  • Korea 41%
  • Vietnam 41%
  • Various country of origin 28%
  • China 21%
  • El Salvador 18%
  • India 16%
  • Mexico 13%

All figures are 2006 (higher numbers represent more complete assimilation).

This could be why yesterday during a brief outing for supplies for the weekend; we didn’t hear all that many people speaking English. We are certainly turning into an interesting mix of folks these days aren’t we?  No place like home … And unfortunately, a lot of folks getting’ stuck between the two anymore, must be tough.

000

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