I’m Sexy And I know It

As the week moves slowly towards the weekend, I am once again, thankful.  If there was no such thing as a weekend, I do believe, I would have to invent it.  It has been just that kind of week for me, and I am ready for some rest.

Today was a bad day, medicine that the doctor has ordered for me makes me ill, sometimes the cure is worse than the disease it seems.  It makes me nauseous, dizzy and one of the ill side effects is explosive diarrhea … which translates to slick, slicker and get the hell out of my way!

Today was as I said, a bad day for all of it.  I guess this is why they refer to it as “practicing medicine.” 

They are going to get it right one way or the other.

On another health related issue, I am reading where if you sleep with your pets, that this could be a bad move on your part.  They have discovered that people who sleep with their pets in bed are generally speaking, less healthy than those who do not.

Your pet will bring other parasites to bed, fleas, ticks, other small creepy things that crawl in the night and they in turn bite you and transfer the illness to you.  (And here I sat, thinking I would not have anything appropriate or scary for Halloween this year)

So Lassie or Fluffy could be (unwillingly) passing onto you bad health in their nocturnal visits to your last sanctuary of rest.  It would seem that Man ‘s Best Friend, could be just a tad less than that, if you sleep with him.  Taking this all one step further (as I often prone to do) I guess long wet kisses directly on the mouth are out of question too.

Cat Lovers unfortunately are not much better off.

All of you internet folks who have cats are not immune or safe.  Now you have something else to worry about other than the occasional hairball.  Funny how things work out isn’t it?  All those times, when my Daddy admonished me, “Son, if you lie down and sleep with a dog, you are going to get up smelling like one.”  Turns out he was ahead of his time (in dog years I suppose) and right as rain.  Been one of those weeks, like I said, “Glad it is almost the weekend.”

I went to the barbershop yesterday and they had a sign in the window and it read:  “You can have sexy hair, for $13.99.”  So the girl said, “What will it be today?” and I mentioned the sign in the window and she smiled and said, “Yeah, that is funny isn’t it?”  So I told her, “Take it off the ears, block it in back and leave the top alone.”  (Don’t want anyone messing with the two hairs that I have left up there).

I don’t care what she says, “There is something deep in my DNA that tells me I that am too sexy for my height … some of us have it and some of us don’t”   Friday in the country, I am now $13.99 ahead of the game … like a sheep ready for the slaughter, freshly shorn and ready for the weekend, I eagerly await my fate with great anticipation.

See Y’all on Monday … (Okie Talk)

OOO

 

Bikini Review

I am back, didya miss me? (Okie Talk)  I would like to thank everyone for the email and the encouragement, the kind words, they went a long ways towards my recovery and general well being.

Thanks.

Been awhile, I am at a loss as to where to start this morning.  A quick update for the occasional visitor.  This past week, last Wednesday I sat down for a meal of Chinese Food and half way home, the ominous grumbling deep down in the pit of the stomach started, and by the third stop light, I KNEW I was in trouble.

I will spare you all the gory details, but I have been down in the mount for five or six days, I have lost eight pounds, and today is my first day back. Just because “it tastes just like chicken doesn’t really mean it is going to be good for you” remember that.

Somewhat lost, I am adrift or awash in a sea of my own making, not having watched any television for the past five or six days, having not ventured out of the abode but one time for medicine and the majority of my time was spent in bed.  So coming in here, sitting down to an empty CPU a blank screen and having “nothing” is a bit daunting or downright challenging.

This is one of those mornings that you dread, a time where it is that you have nothing but the raw talent God gave you, the insight, imagination, to possibly pull it off, to make it all work, it is all up to you.  Often you go to the proverbial well and there isn’t anything for you.

No television, no news, no paper, all I have is what I have, and that isn’t much.

I did hear of a woman who had a pet pig, and the town in which she lived told her that she would have to get rid of the pig, so she moved.  Instead of giving up the pig, which is really stooopid it is not news.  From what I gather it is the same old stuff anywho.  All the adults in the country are worried about Lindsay Lohann and her breakup and the eleven year olds’ are discussing global warming and the end of the world, what does that tell you.

We don’t need an update on the news.

So you can see where we are headed this morning, can’t you?  This is not one of those mornings when you reach past the first two or three slices of bread, to get deeper into the loaf for the “fresh stuff” this is when you tap into something that you didn’t have yesterday and hope there is something there today, when you do make it there.

Often I refer to this process (if it could be called a process) as “shooting from the hip.”

little bunny girl

Easter now behind us, I guess we can say we are officially into the Spring Season here in Oklahoma.  That is a time of the year, of new life, renewal is what a lot of us call it, a time when a man’s thoughts turn to love and his ideas change.

Men on this site, those that do come here, come looking for “Bikini’s” for some reason?  I don’t know why, there are not a lot of Bikini’s on this site, nor are there a lot of men.  The majority of the readers of this site are women, most of them in the California, Texas and Virginia areas of the country.

We have a lot of ladies that read this that live outside of Atlanta, and most of them are for the better part, rather well educated, I have had the privilege of seeing some of them, and we have our fair share of “lookers” in our midst.

Creative Endeavors has the best of both worlds, we have the lookers and the very smart … And as an added bonus … We has Me!

Can’t beat that.

This morning I am looking at the stat’s and I see that Barack’s House is again replaced and relegated to the #2 spot.  I have this little post, “Bikinis (The reason men are pigs) that I wrote last summer (July 26th) and it has held down the #1 spot rather well for five or six weeks now, ever since a couple days after the election.  It has had some 9,231 views this year alone, and is quite popular for some reason.

When I do check the stat’s I find this curious thing.  Everyday, not just every now and then, but almost everyday I find search engine terms like:  Bikini girls, girls in bikinis, girls bikinis, men bikinis, big girls bikinis, and of course, Charlie Daniels for President.

And it is not just spring, when a man’s fancy turns to forbidden fruit.  Where lanes are bight with cherry young men ran to dazzle and kiss the rose lipped girls, springs first budding often bears a bitter fruit, and when the dusk is humming, and the girls come out to play    ..  ah spring.

But we were talking about Bikini’s I digress (a common habit of mine).

When a man and a woman think about Bikini’s, they tend to think differently, much differently, I would say.  A woman will think about items like “mid drift” areas, which kind of sounds like a section of the continental shelf out in the Atlantic where tuna fish boat captains sit idly for hours staring a small sonar screen waiting on the mid drift shelf tuna schools to appear.  Women think about cellulite and excess pubic hair in areas that are not supposed to have excess pubic anything.

They think size, shape, color.  Check it out here.

Men on the other hand, they think about sun glasses.  Because men KNOW that women can HEAR the sound of a muscle being flexed in your neck when the head turns to check out something that just walked by that was shapely, young, and wearing a dental floss thong, and they know YOU are looking.  Women know things like that.

This is why when me hear the word “Bikini” they naturally think of something else, men think about sunglasses, the deep dark one’s or the ones like The Boss in Cool Hand Luke wore, the mirrored type.

Just as well I stay away from the subject of skimpy bathing attire and the beach in general.  The last time we did head out to Florida and the beach, the grand babies kept trying to grab me by my ankles and drag me into the ocean.


dsc00217

The oldest would scream something like “Get him in the ocean before he dies! Or something like that.”  At least that is what they told their grandmother.

I would like to hang around and feed you some more of the loaf, but a slice at a time is all I have today, check back in with me tomorrow and hopefully I will have discovered something of interest for all you by then.

See You In The Funny Papers.

OOO

No Fruit Cake

121108End of the year rapidly coming down on us, so much left to do and so little time to do it.  The wife sent me to ChinaMart over the weekend, Saturday to be specific.  Which is not a nice thing to do to the person you love, send them off to a SuperCenter that is packed with all these people trying to find “the” perfect gift for the Holiday Season …. Or as I affectionately refer to it …… Buying copious loads of crap made in China.

Our lives are full of things.

Disposable distractions stuff you buy but you never cherish, own yet never love.  Thrown away in weeks rather than passed down to the next generation.  Perhaps this year things will be a little different, not a whole lot of disposable income floating around this year, unless you are on the government bail-out train, so choices may be made with greater care.  After all, if the fewer things you own always excite you, would you really miss the many that never could?

The absolute worst gift you can give someone is a fruit cake.

Sorry Margaret & Helen, but that is the way I feel about it.  Fruitcakes are evil, when the world finally ends and there is nothing left but charred ashes and bugs, microscopic animals, there will still be at least five perfectly preserved fruit cakes somewhere on the planet.  You see, “there is only ONE FRUITCAKE in the entire world (The Mother of All Fruit Cakes!) and people keep sending that cake to one and another.

As my mentor Dave Barry is prone to say … “The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish looking cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear Safety Glasses.” You can take the rum out of a fruitcake, but you still will have a fruitcake in the end.  So much for the fruitcake section of the post …

I would rather have a good glass of Glogg.  A hot spiced wine and liquor punch served in Scandinavian countries by long legged slender blond headed women wearing thongs and softly humming Christmas Musak …..

Now that is a holiday.

Phoenix – A state Department of Transportation contractor placed a fake police car in a freeway construction zone, authorities said. The contractor used the car with “police” painted on the side to replace state highway patrol officers who were pulled after the highway department decided they were too expensive. Police unions objected to the fake car.

Also in Arizona a holiday scumbag makes off with all the food. Someone made off with thousands of pounds of food meant for needy families. The Marana Community Food Bank collected several thousand pounds of food during a drive over the weekend. But volunteers later found nearly all of it had been stolen. Police have no leads.  That is pretty lame, stealing from those who cannot afford it the least.  I bet there is a special place reserved in hell for someone like this.

Following Florida’s lead, Pennsylvania decided to go with 50% grades instead of zero school policy.  It appears that this was not a good move.  Half wrong doesn’t work Pittsburgh – Public schools officials may have to change a policy that makes 50% the lowest grade students can receive. The policy is meant to help students recover from a bad grade or the occasional missed assignment. Some teachers say that some students are content to get the 50 mark for doing nothing.

There is a higher power guarding the baby Jesus this year, global positioning software and satellite technology.  GPS is now being used to protect seasonal displays at churches and synagogues around the country.  Thieves routinely target the nativity scenes and steal the Jesus figures, menorahs, and Santa’s.  This year they will be tracked using GPS and devices attached to the figures.  Christmas goes High Tech and time moves on.

I notice the Governor of Illinois is offering his resignation for sale on E-Bay.  Any takers?

This is smooth, you will like this one.  A guy walks into Shoney’s Restaurant in Florida and orders potato soup from the menu.  But they give him clam chowder by mistake.  Now this is where the evil nefarious plot thickens, he is allergic to clams, but he eats the soup anyway.

After an allergic reaction that required a visit to the emergency room, he sues the restaurant for giving him “psychological sleep disorders” when they served him the wrong soup.

Want to guess the verdict?

Believe it or not … He won.  But he didn’t get the $4,070 he wanted to cover his medical bills.  The jury said that Shoney’s was only 10% responsible for serving him the wrong soup … But he was 90% responsible for eating it .. and they awarded him $407 which in my opinion is MORE than he deserved.

Get busy!  Time is running out.

What you do now, will help to alleviate the stress of a New Taxing Year on the horizon.  The stocking have been hung by the chimney with care.  The presents have all been wrapped.  You ordered the Christmas Goose from Sarah Palin and it is on the cabinet trying to thaw.  Is there anything left to do before you pour yourself a cozy drink and start celebrating the season.  Of course.

Put down the egg nog and get to work on those taxes, you can send a Christmas Card late, but the IRS never accepts it if it isn’t on time.

Remember, you have a number of car companies, bankers, credit unions, wall street investment firms, insurance companies, wars in foreign countries, aid to countries you cannot locate on a globe.  All of them depending on YOU.

As Joe Biden puts it …. “It is your patriotic duty to offset the troubles of the world.”

Now there’s a guy I would send a fruitcake too.  He would be #one on my list.  All in all, I think the “Glogg” idea is the best, I kind of like that.  A hot spiced wine and liquor punch served in Scandinavian countries by long legged slender blond headed women wearing thongs and softly humming Christmas Musak ….. Now that is a holiday.

Thong!
What a delightful gift idea
Thong!
Magical shorts that disappear
Buy your loved one this noel
The kind of gift you can’t resell
Because it kind of smells
If someone else has tried it on

Thong!

You could be dancing cheek to cheek
Thong!

Wiggle the string play hide and seek
Buy your workmate or your boss
The proctologic dental floss
That really works a hair across
His astronomic bum
Thong

I am really getting into this Christmas stuff this year.

000

Thong courtesy of KZOK 102.5 FM

Whadya Think About Thet ..

The Colorado thong bandits got caught; well actually, they turned themselves in.  I like British News, I was over there tonight and checking around and they kind of “share their news” with everyone.  Everything or most everything in the USA is copyrighted and all that, makes it difficult to just lift it and put it on the page, because of “legal issues.” 

Contrary to popular opinion, some of these folks take it personally when you steal their stuff for your page.  Pays to be careful.  The Brit’s on the other hand are not all that particular:  Here is the linkif you wish to read the article.

O’bammer got the nod from the Dem’s and now we might have a shot of having a president that is fluent in at least one language.  The Republicans are considering a Bush replacement.  I hear they have found a guy in a tree outside of Austin, Texas, making guttural sounds, and they are trying to coach him down with an apple, will run him in November with Connie …. The Alternative Ticket thing I suppose.

Received some interesting stuff in the mail this past week, and the old “Watch Your Lic. Tag Spammer” is making the rounds again.  This time it has morphed into something a little bit different, it is a “State Trooper” that is advising everyone about it instead of a “State Agency” (un-named of course).  Why are people so stupid (and eager) as to pass this bogus garbage onto their friends and families, is beyond me.

Well at least I did not receive any of those moronic “Top Five Lists” this week that was a god-send.  Emails are such a wonderful source of information.  For instance, did you know that, given unlimited access to a source of mice, a cat will kill fifteen of the little suckers before it finally stops.  Sort of like the U.S. Government, given unlimited access to a country, it will kill millions of its citizens in order to obtain the natural resources.

Watching this television program and it is about prison, really interesting.  We have it seems, reached a new pinnacle in this country, we now have the proud distinction of having more people locked up than any other country in the world.  And that doesn’t count all those poor suckers down in Gitmo, Cuba, or our secret prisons that do not exist, in Europe. (The Rumsfield Ramada’s) 

So this interviewer is talking to this inmate, who killed five people in one home and received life in prison.  And he says to the guy, “Why did you do it?” and the convict takes a moment to think about it and then replies …  “They’s all home.”

 All I could think of after that was, “Thank God for prisons!”

A man in Sidney, Nebraska, accused of hitting his girlfriend on the head with a metal bucket will not be tried on a charge of using a deadly weapon.  A judge threw out the charge after concluding the bucket could not have killed or seriously injured the woman.  A charge of second-degree domestic assault against the defendant now stands.

Now I don’t know about you, but having someone slam me in the head with a METAL BUCKET would be a tad bit uncomfortable, and I would venture to say in my limited experience on the subject, it certainly could be lethal?  Having been on the receiving end of a fryin’ pan moving at breakneck speed, I can testify that “steel on numbskull” just isn’t conducive to middle age wellness. 

It also produces what is known in Oklahoma as a “pretty good goose-egg” on your head.  When you turn and see her approaching at warp speed, hit the deck, fall down, and play dead.

Taking all of this one step further, what do you suppose the ruling would be if the attorney was to take the female judge out into the parking lot, have her bend over, and then give her one or two shots with this metal bucket?  Smart money would say the ruling would be a lot different.  I ought to start a file on “Stupid Pixilated Judges” it wouldn’t take long to fill it up and it would increase my total word count immensely in the future.

You see the picture this week, where some guy outside of Denver says an “alien peeked into his bedroom window?”  It has been the talk of the town all week long.  Kind of hard to believe, journey across eons of time and space to peek into some window? 

Once in the late sixties, I was out in the desert in Southern Arizona and a UFO landed right next to my picnic table in the rest area.  Four of these little dudes, about three inches tall, got out of the spaceship.  Freaked me out, I said to them, “Wow!  Are you guys really three inches tall?” and the first one said, “Nah man, we is just far away.”

Had me going there for a little while.  But of course in those days I was “inhaling a lot.”

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The Next Big Thang …

I love My Wife!  I am always somewhat amazed by my Cup Cake, she will frequently ask me, “Has anyone offered to pick up your stuff, or any money?” Bless her heart.  She is under the mistaken impression that writing on the Internet or bloggin, whichever one you prefer, will automatically lead to “untold riches, that you will be discovered and people will line up to make you offers on Book Publishing Deals.” More than likely a product of too many afternoons watching Oprah or something, I dunno.

I just smile and say ….. “No, not lately.”  So Friday I took in the front page of the USA Today section and proudly displayed it for her perusal.  “Lookie here baby, they’re looking for me, jus’ like you said!”

The headline was “THE NEXT BIG THING ON THE INTERNET.”

(What will it be?)

She was of course … Not amused.

You win a few, and you lose a few, that is what marriage is all about … You might hit a homer and you might not.  Oh well, some of them mother’s are just destined to burn to the gound.  Speaking of losing propositions, check this one out.

A couple of bozo’s in Colorado robbed a convenience store recently and for masks, “they donned G-String underwear!” Now I can see you sitting there smiling and saying to yourself, “Man this Okie is full of it.” But it is the truth.  Here is the link: USA Today the article and accompanying video is on “Thong Robbers.”

Perhaps “Granny Panties” would have been far more concealing?

Over the past two month, hundreds of thousands of airline passengers were stranded in airports nationwide as more than 3,500 flights were canceled because carriers failed to perform required maintenance.  Now they are charging even more for luggage, this is the worst case of “self inflicted wounds” I have ever seen.

“Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, welcome to our flight to nowhere, if there is a sudden cabin depressurization, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.  Please deposit fifteen dollars in the coin slot on the right hand armrest of your seat.  Credit card customers, please have one form of picture I.D, available and wait on the Stewardess.”

At one time, I had considered a career in the aircraft maintinance field, that is, until they started drug testing.  That is how I ended up being a railroader.  The U.S. Navy told me that when I was released from Active Duty, that I could apply my service related skills in the civilian sector.

American Airlines were not hiring any tail gunners at that time, so I went to work for the railroad.

Each day that they are in business in this country, they seem to add new meaning to the words:  Terminal and Final Destination.  Airline travel in this country has reached a point where it is downright deplorable.  When all you have to offer is service and you cannot even provide that, then you are in trouble

One more airplane deal, and I will stop. This past weekend it rained money in Indonesia.  An Indonesian businessman was reported ready to throw 100 million rupiah (about $10,600) out of an airplane over the capital this Sunday as a publicity stunt to promote his new book.  This will prove to be popular in a country that is dirt poor.

“I want to create a rain of money in Jakarta,” author and motivational speaker Tung Desem Waringin said. “It’s a little bit crazy, but it’s marketing.”

This may prove to be a novel approach to publishing.  We have it here, Bush and Co. has been throwing money at us for months now … Trying to get us to buy into the dream.  When it starts raining “gasoline” I will be the first one there with a bucket or a can, you can take that one to the bank.

000