What Was I Thinking …. 

And now, just now, the local news reports that there will be no revered Dorrito’s Commercials on this years’ Super Bowl.  And on top of all that, ragweed and grass pollen has increased dramatically here in the Heart-Land … So most likely … No peace for me either. Feel better?  No?  Well take two aspirin and call me on Munday.  And finally, never, ever, buy a 12 year old a Nikon camera.  What was I thinking?

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Male Enhancement

I am strolling thru the Mall, a slow day, mostly elderly people walking to stay fit are in attendance.  Kind of strange, they make lap after lap around the place and then at the conclusion of the exercise period they all gather in front of Chicken Fillet take a table and eat.

A funny bunch, this geriatric posse of exercise lap-taking aficionados’.

I am walking along, peering into the windows of the stores, and I find nothing all that exciting to tell you the truth, it is no small wonder that sales are off.  It is no small wonder that Mall’s much like the dinosaur are on the way out.

Then I spot her.

She is young, she is vibrant, she is drop-dead gorgeous.  My mind races and I try and think back to a time when I have experienced a woman such as this, and I am at a definite loss.  She is so beautiful that it secretly makes me wish that I could borrow the money from Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, just so that I could establish my own foreign country.  There I would publish this girl’s likeness on the official postage stamp of our new country, so that I could lick the back of her head each day.

Everyday.

She is working in an ear ring store, so I stop to chat and browse the different piercings she has for sale.  I am thinking to myself, “I have always wanted an ear ring.  Knowing full well that I am of course, not going to get one.”  She bends over several times in the course of events, showing me the wares of her store, among other things.  We strike up a conversation, we laugh, we smile, things are going well.  Her perfume fills my senses; I am almost paralyzed by her scent.

I am also acutely aware of this old familiar feeling coming over me, silently thinking to myself, “this is nuts, I should be on leash or a chain, staked out in some backyard somewhere.”  It is not easy being a randy old dawg such as I am.

Perhaps it is the smell of her perfume, the light touch of her hand on my skin, it could be the elevator musak softly playing in the background.

don-smithFirst thing I know, I am sitting in the chair and I am getting my ear pierced and I have an ear ring!  Call me the helpless romantic, the middle-aged fool, whatever, but I walk out of the place sporting a brand new diamond stud in my left lobe.  I am also considerably “lighter in the wallet” because of it.

It is important that we now interject into all this that the ownership of an ear ring is not a new thing with me.  Having what most men consider a “progressive marriage” it was talked about, never granted, but it did come up from time to time over the years.  I must emphasize that this is not a spur of the moment encounter; it has been a secret goal of mine for years.

And it has been from time to time, discussed.  Men have this right, it is on page #54 of Dr. Phils’ Marriage Enrichment Series with footnotes inserted by Robin.  I also believe there was an episode of it on The View where it was discussed briefly in eighty-nine.

Now the wife has told me previous to this, “If you get an ear ring, I am NOT going anywhere with you. To the store, the movies, WalMart … Nowhere are we to be seen together if you get an ear ring.”

Then as she always does, she prefaced it with … “You understand?”

And I am thinking, “I roll it over and over in my mind, might be a little pain involved, but all in all, it sounds like a pretty good deal to me.”  It might be worth it, I could come out on top of this thing, if I play my cards right, this could be a winning hand.

So I am “all in” as they say in The World Series of Poker … I am not waiting for the River Card, it is now or never.

Today I do the deed! This also my toxic day of reckoning.  Today I will have to face the music.  My bride is not going to understand this at all.

She is standing at the sink doing dishes, softly humming to herself and I walk in to the kitchen to get me a cup of coffee.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see her peer at me and then she says, “What is that in your ear?” to which I reply, “What?” and then she again says, not to be deterred.

“What is THAT in your ear?”  This time pointing to the offending object and wiggling her finger in order to emphasis.

So I reply, “it’s an ear ring.”

“Lord, what have you went out and done now you old fool?”

Nothing like a little kindness and understanding, with your cup of lukewarm half-day old Coffee.

“What in the world possessed you to do this; why in the world did you get your ear pierced?”

“Cause I wanted to, that’s why, b’sides lots of bikers have ear rings.”  She smiles and says “Yeah, and they have something that you do not have.”  So I inquire of her what that might be, because you see, the monkey never learns, the monkey always goes back for more.

She opens up the cabinet door, places the clean plate in there with the rest, and looks at me and says … “Motorcycles, bikers have ear rings, beards, snot rag hats and MOTORCYCLES!  You gonna buy a motorcycle?”

“Maybe.” I meekly mumble, and then I grab my cup of Joe out of the Microwave and head for the TV room.  Funny how things work out, people who do not learn from their mistakes are prone to repeat them, that is the way I had it presented to me if I am remembering it right.  I sip on the coffee, it is warm, it nourishes my tired old soul and I think about it all … Silently I am thinking to myself, “A Harley Sportster, big tractor seat, a ONE SEATER that would be nice.”

The last time something like this occurred in my life was about the same, back in the seventies, except it was Sears, a well endowed brunette, deep green eyes a guy could lose himself in,  and it was a totally new vacuum cleaner …  but that was just one hundred-eighty-five dollars and some change.

Now this?  Man-Man, a new Harley Sportster, this could get really expensive.

The monkey never learns.

OOO

RELATED:  Ready To Go

Do You want fries with that.

Now here is a novel concept, your order on time, and it is right.  If your next fast-food order at the drive-through has the right food in the right bag, you may have  something surprising to thank: the bad economy.  In the past six months, Carl’s Jr.’s 478 locations in Southern California in particular have been able to recruit crew members more fluent in English, and thus are able to process drive-through orders more accurately.

“It’s a no-brainer.  Hiring people who are fluent in English has always been something we’ve wanted to do.  Now we can.”  That’s because, with layoffs on the rise – particularly in hard-hit Southern California – the chain can be more selective in hiring.

The unemployment rate in California hit 7.7% in August vs. the national rate of 6.1% – the most recent month from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. “When times are tough, people are willing to take jobs for which they’re over-qualified.”

Pay Attention Mr. Bush, you might learn something here.

Mexico agreed Monday to deport Cubans who sneak illegally through Mexican territory to reach the U.S., a step toward cutting off an increasingly violent and heavily used human trafficking route.  The agreement, signed by Cuban Foreign Minister Felipe Perez Roque and Mexican Foreign Secretary Patricia Espinosa, takes effect in one month. It also criticizes U.S. policy that generally allows Cubans who reach U.S. territory to stay, while turning back most caught at sea.

Cuban migrants in recent years have increasingly headed for Mexico – often to the coast near Cancun – then overland to Texas because it has become so hard to dodge the U.S. Coast Guard and reach Florida to qualify for U.S. residency.  The U.S. Border Patrol is reporting that some 42 incursions into U.S. territory since last October by THE MEXICAN ARMY.  Evidently a lot of drug cartels are experiencing problems getting their merchandise over the border, so they get their Mexican buddies in the Army to make probes into U.S. soil, thus pulling the Border Patrol away from the smuggling entry points.

Next Time Take The Train

Phoenix – The price of an all-day bus or light rail pass in the city could go from $2.50 to $4.50 under a proposal being considered by transit officials. The regional transit board, struggling with falling tax revenue and rising fuel prices, will consider the hike early next year.  That is a pretty hefty hike right there wouldn’t you say?  You ever notice they never say, “uh, how about giving us a quarter extra and if that don’t work out, we will be back?”

Nah, just go for the big bucks and get it over with.

I note that a lot of travel agencies are now offering fares around the world to wonderful, exotic locations and the post the price of the trip.  And then they add, Plus Taxes and Fuel Charges.  Which kind of irritates me, how were these people planning on us getting there in the first place?  You have to use some kind of fuel to transport folks.  Why isn’t that just included in the price of the trip.

Bad news coming out of Anchorage, Alaska.  No check in the mail.

The state’s oil wealth savings account lost nearly $10 billion in a year. Most of the state’s residents receive an annual check from this fund, based on its net income averaged over five years. The fund peaked at $40.4 billion last October and now is about $30 billion.  Looks like the governor will have to go back to shopping at Target.

Even More Alaska news, and no, this is not concerning Caribou Barbie so check your hormones at the door boys.

stevensSen. Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, left, leaves court on Tuesday after his corruption conviction with his lawyer, Brendan Sullivan. Stevens is now calling for a probe into the federal lawyers who prosecuted him.

I guess this comes under the “You did it to me, so I am gonna do it to you, fairness doctrine in the 49th state.”

Wait … It gets better.

A juror who vanished during Alaska Senators’ corruption trial told the judge Monday she lied about her father dying and flew to California to see horse races.

U.S. District Judge Emmet Sullivan ordered Marian Hinnant, identified as juror No. 4, to return to court to explain why she disappeared during jury deliberations. Hinnant brought a stack of handwritten notes with her to the court Monday along with public defender A.J. Kramer, and told the judge that her father hadn’t died and she was at the Breeders’ Cup in Arcadia, Calif.

She apologized for lying, and then started a long rambling story about horses, which included references to horse breeding, the Breeders’ Cup, drugs, President Ford’s son Steven and her condo in Florida being bugged.  At that point, the judge said, “I am thoroughly convinced you would not have been able to continue to deliberate,” Sullivan interrupted.

“Can I have a case of my own?” Hinnant asked. Sullivan referred her to Kramer and the federal public defender’s office, and excused her from his courtroom.

Outside the courthouse, Hinnant refused to answer questions about whether she was on medication or had been hospitalized. When asked what she thought about Stevens’ case, she said: “He didn’t do anything any of the other congressmen and senators did, so they’re all guilty.”

She then loaded up in her Ford Fiesta that she claims is powered by Oatmeal, and headed south to her home in the lower 48 that has tree’s that hum, and all the children glow in the dark.

Gonna go way out on the limb folks and say that Obammer walks away with the election today.  I could be wrong, but I just don’t feel like I am.  Why don’t war heroes win elections anymore?  Excepting George Bush Sr. it has been 48 years since a war hero won the presidency.  And it isn’t like there has been a big shortage or wars and conflicts the past 48 years, so that cannot be the reason.

So what is the problem?

Again, so many questions and so little time.  Oh well, time to gear up for 2012, I am thinking Rosie O’Donnell or Elizabeth Hassleback from The View … whadya think?

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Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

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Thanx Jim in WA.


Things Are Pretty Good … No Really.

The wind is out of the south, like a blast furnace has suddenly fired up on the north side of Dallas and it has all blown an ill wind to my side of town.Hot here, and it is heating up as summer approaches. It was so hot here today, I saw a dog chasing a cat, and they both were walking.

Which just reminded me, only a few days and it will be July.The wheat is in, time to kick back, a holiday.Watermelon, potato salad, fried dead cluckers, and the Fourth of July, an American tradition.

Unfortunately it also brings another year of Oklahoma idiot news reports of dumb-bells blowing up tomato’s and assorted large items of fruit to point out the dangers of fireworks.Mini-documentary Videos of Okies buying the stuff, and then having the Oklahoma City Fire Marshall confiscate it when they cross the county line, happens every year.So you tell me, has there ever been documented proof of anyone “actually eating a sparkler?”

Give me a break.

A 21 year old tanning salon operator in Connecticut has been arrested and given two years probation for taking photo’s of teenagers in a tanning salon thru a ceiling tile in the roof.He did this with a cellphone (reach out, reach out, and bug somebody!), he told the judge that he was up there crawling in the overhead, using his cellphone as a light, to inspect wiring.(Yeah I know, and they walk amongst us, and they also procreate.)

Checking the wiring?Uh huh, sure.That is like, “in case of a water landing, your seat cushion will become a floatation device.”I believed that one too.

In case you’re interested, there is a way where you can figure out if you are living next to one of these perverts.You just go to Felonspy.com . After you type in your address, it pinpoints all the people close to your home that have been convicted of ANY felonies. Then you just click on the red pins/balloons on the map and it gives you the offenders name, age, and felony offense.

And don’t go typing my address in there that is not funny, and yes, the “pictures at the Post Office” have come down.

Trucking companies in Arizona are saying that thieves are stealing diesel fuel out of the trucks while the drivers are sleeping with “high volume pump devices.”This was formerly known as a garden hose back in the old days, now as we are in the 21st Century this has been changed to “high volume devices.”Here is a novel idea, buy some locking gas caps.Yawn.

My Daddy used to say on the annual trek back to Oklahoma in the 50’s and 60’s.He said he could always tell when he was getting close to Oklahoma.The wife would get bitchy, the kids started fighting in the car, and he had the urge to siphon some gas.

Back in the good ol’ days, eh?

The news tonight was the same old crap … 81.5% of the people you ask will tell you “We are on the wrong track, and things is bad man, really bad.”The public mood in this country is like a carton of eight day old milk left out on the kitchen counter, kind of sour right now.With the high price of gasoline, this debacle in Afghanistn and Pakistan, people are not all that upbeat.I believe the exact quote I heard last was something about “going to hell in a hand-basket?”

Unemployment isn’t all that bad, 5.5% that isn’t terrible, not good, but not terrible.Living standards from a historical viewpoint are the best they have been in recent years, things are, believe it or not, pretty good.But when you turn on the television, “the sky is falling … the sky is falling” and the mood is mostly somber.  I have been kind of concerned about it myself.(Some guy just the other day sent me an email that said, I sure wish you would stop whining about all this ______ .)

It occured to me, “if the news ever gets brighter, we are going to be in trouble.”  There is truly going to be a void in America (one of these days).Who am I going to blame for Global Warming, then there is the terrorism thing (that mostly did not happen but it could, any time now, according to the government), instability in the oil producing countries, oops, excuse me, “the middle east.”This invasion thing, supporting Israel, and/or pillaging the resources of the planet on an untold scale.

What I am going to do, if the news does a turn around, and everything is all of a sudden …. good?  Where will be my simplistic worldview of things then?

Luckily for me, my very own Charlie Sheen star is on the horizon and it is shining down on me.

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