CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS

Chopsticks

I am thoroughly convinced that if you watch three full episodes of The Bachelor, that you can be certified, brain dead.  My wife not only watches this, but she watches the commercials too.  Sitting there in my chair, with that deer in the headlight stare, my mind keeps playing over and over, shoot me, shoot me, please, take me outside and shoot me!  Continue reading

Another Dose Of It …

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Honey it’s on … They are lying to us again, come watch this.

This post contains plenty of hot air, and none of it, has been deleted.  I just love it when politicians come on television, knocking off World Wrestling, to tell me how good I have it.  Right when you are getting into, I mean, really getting into, the Paso De-Doughblee on Dancing With The Stars, they switch to the scripted drivel that politicians call “Leadership.”

Continue reading

Strange Medicine … Have A Spoonful.

image001Find Your Happy Place:  Took my HHR to WalMart to have a tire looked at, it turned out it had a nail in it, and had to be pulled off the car and fixed. 

Usually this is no big deal, pull the tire, patch it, and re-mount it on the car.  I was a little bit hesitant when the person they assigned to work on my car turned out to be some new age tweaker with body piercing and a skunk hair do.  

 But I did not say anything.

They really messed up my car, skunk boy shot the tire and rim off the tire machine about six feet into the air and it came down on the concrete and damaged it severely.  This gets us to the part that I really did not like.  Although it was their employee that ruined my wheel, I spent three hours of my time locating a new rim which they paid to replace.  Here is the rub, the rim was paid for, they did not compensate me for any of MY time and they did not even offer so much as an apology for all that took place.  

If you go to WalMart and they try to assign Skunk Boy to work on your stuff, I don’t care if it is PC or not, tell them you want someone else.  In the future, if they look like, or dress like, or sound like, a crack head, I am going to say something first hand about it.  I am tired of dopers messing up my stuff and wasting my time and corporations who do nothing about it.  In this case, I feel as if I was “lucky in one respect” the entire thing only cost me three hours of my time and about $30 to replace the damaged wheel.

It Might Be The Tube:  Having trouble sleeping at night?  Putting on a few pounds?  Studies have show that watching too much television, computers, TV or cellphone screen messages can put you at risk for depression.  Night time exposure to light glow gadgets has already been shown to contribute to insomnia, cancer, obesity, and diabetes.

A new study shows that screen glow can cause mood related changes in the brain.  So it isn’t David Letterman after all, and it isn’t the Jay Walkers on Channel four.  (It might be Jerry Springer who is the ultimate trigger, we are not sure, we will have to get back to you on that one)

But we do know this.

It is your electronic devices you have surrounded yourself with.  If you think about what it represents, it does make sense.  You take a rat, you keep ‘em in the dark and study them for awhile, notice what rat things, rat’s do.  Then you take the same rats, subject them to huge amounts of light, from something resembling a TV screen or a PC.

First thing you notice is that the rats become lethargic and they ignore their favorite sugary treats, which of course suggests that “they are no longer deriving pleasure out of activities they once enjoyed.” (Being a good rat)  The next thing you know, they are auditioning on American Idol and Keith Urban is upset, and the Dawg is amused … What were we talking about here?  Depression, rats (the non politician type), and behavior modification.

How do I know all of this?  Well, if you must know, I stayed in a Holiday Inn in Amarillo last night.  Can we move on?

Same deal with Pepsi, coke, or diet anything …. serve rats fifty to sixty cans a day of the stuff, and sure as hell, they all get cancer.  Here is something we should look into … What if white rats are genetically linked to cancer to begin with (born with it in their genes) … Isn’t this going to screw up the data?  Leaving you with this consideration we will now conclude today’s science lesson for the criminally insane.  Next time we will discuss the problem developing with bears in our population.

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Bad Start To A New Deal:  Last September Apple stock was trading at $700-$800 per day and now it is down in the mid $400‘s.  Cheerio’s, Post Toasties and Cinnamon Buns are going thru the roof!  No more twinkies.  The year isn’t but one month old, and one Moonshiner has been arrested and The Gold Rush boys in Alaska, are still not finding gold.  Things are so bad in New York, the Mafia has laid off ten judges.  

And people wonder why television has a tendency to depress a person. (It isn’t all about the light depravation or glow, let me tell you)  

Think About This One.  If you worked 40 hours a week, 50 weeks a year, and you lost a million dollars an hour every hour, it would take you almost three years to lose $5.8 billion dollars.  Now the guys on The Street, JP Morgan were able to do it in only a few months.  But if things get really out of hand, they do not worry, because the tax-payers will bail them out.  Pretty neat set up.

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Ahead Of The Curve:  I saved the best for last.  Nothing sweeter than seeing something that you have already covered as a post on your webpage in a national headline or paper.  Yesterday morning I found this article on Feral Cats and as you know, I had written on this very same subject Fluffy Is A Killer on my site prior to this (December).  Pretty cool … Makes me almost want to dance.

Friday, you made it.  I am somewhat surprised that I did too.

One Last Thing In This Brand New Month.  The manager at WalMart just told me via the telephone that they had terminated Skunk Boy because of poor job performance.  If you swing thru McDonalds this weekend and the kid has pimples, jewelry and a Skunk type-do … Hammer down and rush over to Burger King or Taco Bell instead.

I am outta here … Have A Great Weekend.

OOO

What folks have been reading at Creative Endeavors this past week:

Home page / Archives  
He’s Alive!  
More Not Fresh Pressed Baloney  
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)  
Fluffy Is A Killer  
Take Your Pick  
It’s Your Choice – Not Mine.  
The Worry Tree  
Dinosaurs and Progressive Liberal Democrats  
Clear Blue Sky

Thunder In The Night

Beware ID theft is real.

“Hey, you used to write superb, but the last couple of posts have been kinda boring¡K I miss your super writings. Past couple of posts are just a bit out of track! come on!”  Yeah, like you really expect me to answer this tripe … Don’t you just love all these Internet trolls who have nothing better to do than run around the net and instigate trouble.  As W.C. Fields used to say ….. “Go away boy, you are bothering me.”

ACDC in the middle of the night.  Iran has another problem, someone has loaded Malware onto the computers in their nuclear program and they are now hearing AC-DC at full volume in the middle of the night.  They have asked for assistance to remove the computer virus and stop the music and the crippling of their systems.  Now I wonder who could have done this dastardly deed?

Like my old man used to say, “Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of people.”

TOO MUCH SEX WILL KILL YOU … NEW SURVEY OUT SAYS SO.  You find the strangest things when you surf the net at night while your wife watches America’s Got Talent (NBC check your local listings … tonight it was some kid getting kicked in the … well you know) anywho, I found this article on the dangers of too much sex … that is if you are a fly.  

While we are on the subject of television, another show that she really likes is Storage Wars.  She cannot seem to get enough of Yuuuuup!  She loves to watch them bid on the abandoned storage lockers and see what treasure is inside.  Here is one that I doubt anyone would want to bid on, it is in Oregon.  This one is kind of creepy.

Here is one that is completely off the register, a guy who has NOT watched any television in 24 years.  That is better than the 12 foot snake found under the trailer in Florida, “Honey have you seen the dog tonight?”  

Photo Credit: Getty

Some folks take a good picture and then again, some folks do not.  I don’t feel as if I take a decent picture anymore, and kind of refrain from it.  Anyway I was looking at this picture and I found myself trying to figure out who it was?  Anyone want to take a shot at it?  Okay, it is Sarah I want to be the next president of the United States Palin.  I think it was taken at Rolling Thunder.  Rolling Thunder is a motorcycle meet held each year in our nation’s capitol and it appears this is where the photo was taken.  Here are two more shots, you can compare.

It appears that she was indeed there.

I am not sure, but the First Lady might have been there too.

FAKE ONE DOLLAR BILLS IN IDAHO.  Now I have heard of people copying $20’s and $50’s even occasionally a five dollar bill.  But going to the trouble of counterfeiting a $1?  Almost unheard of in this day and age, read about this Idaho underachiever here.  Maybe he was a little short on lunch money.

This one is close to my heart, no really, it surely is.  A girl who is on public assistance and receiving food stamps, wins the lottery.  A one million dollar prize, which as most of us know, would last a LONG TIME if managed correctly.  Evidently it wasn’t enough, during this same period she continues to collect almost six thousand dollars in food stamps.  Is this a great country or what?

At some point in time we are going to have to change some things.  First place we should start is in grammar school, where we teach children:  “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish… and you feed him for a lifetime.”

It might be more practical to change it to:  “Give a man a welfare check, a cell phone, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, Medicaid, 100 weeks of unemployment checks, a 40-ounce malt liquor, needles, drugs, contraceptives, and designer Air Jordan shoes… and he will vote Democrat for a lifetime.”

What we have now sure isn’t cutting it.

Thanks for droppin’ by, hope to see you again soon.

OOO

Sometimes This Stuff Makes Me Uncomfortable

This morning I am reading a webpage and it is about the loss of a dog.  Now that is sad, losing a pet, don’t get me wrong. The animal had some rare form of blood disease and expired.  Now here is the sick part of it.  The author of the blog said “it hit the blogging community with such force” that it would be nice if everyone reading this would send a comment to the dogs “parents” in their time of need.  (I am not making this up)  I suppose that some day, maybe soon, I will surf over to some website and there it will be ….

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.  Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

Send your condolences to the parents of the dead-dawg?  I guess it is official now, the world (or the internet) has gone completely bonkers.

As some of you already know, I am a big fan of The Big Bang Theory and I always wondered what an astrophysicist did in his spare time?  I have been relieved of that burden, they figure out neat ways to load an airplane.  They do this by computer modeling and live tests, from what I understand.  One of them has figured out a better way to load an airplane.

Instead of loading the aircraft from back to front, as many airlines do, they have discovered that this is the slowest possible way to do it.  Now instead, they say seat the families first, fill the window seats on both sides of the aircraft first, starting at the back on one side and work their way forward by even and odd rows.  This is much, much faster.

That is the good news, now here is the bad.

So far, none of the airlines are biting on the idea and he has not received one telephone call on the subject.  They seem to be wanting to keep it the way it is, crowded, cramped, never even close to on-time and leave it be.

Now if someone could just figure out how to fly my luggage to where I am (and not to Phoenix instead) and keep the kid behind me from kicking the back of my seat for four hours, I would be a happy camper indeed.

We now know what an astrophysicist does, how about an engineer?

Try this one:  There is a new way to get to school on time.  NASCAR mechanic Paul Stender reached a top speed of 320 MPH in a school bus he built with a Jet powered, 42,0000-horsepower engine.  Stender will demonstrate the bus at schools, to get students interested in engineering.

DUCK AND COVER — LOCK N LOAD

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. 

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

Need a job?

Seven of the world’s ten biggest employers are run by governments.  Want to take a guess who is #1?  (Yeah I know, not fair)  The U.S. Defense Department leads the pack, with 3.2 million employees.  Next is the Chinese Army, with 2.3 million.

It doesn’t get any better.  Our uneducated chickens are coming home to roost.

The highest segment of the unemployed in this country are the young, ages 16 to 19, hovering around 25% unemployed. The harsh reality is that even when jobs are available, many of these job applicants aren’t ready for them.

We seem to have raised a large group of almost illiterate dysfunctional high-school graduates.  This is the group who sadly are more into video gaming and jello shots, than hard work and getting ahead.

They aren’t getting hired because they often aren’t worth hiring.  Nobody wants to talk about this now because it sounds like blaming the victim,  But it is also important to not ignore this factor just because confronting it is painful.

I hear this is why Obama is running for a second term, “he doesn’t want to be out in a sorry economy such as this is and have to be looking for a job.”

CASHIN IN

Lottery sales in the United States in the last year have surged in a good luck Tsunami wave of players intending to be the lucky surfer on the million dollar wave.  Seventeen states have including Arizona, Iowa, and Pennsylvania sold record numbers of tickets in the last fiscal year.  Most of it is being laid off on the bad economy, people are just getting desperate.

One thing I have noticed here of late, is no one pays for the morning coffee or the snack with paper money any more.  Lot of folks counting out small change to pay for the items, robbed from the life savings, an old Folgers Coffee can on top of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

The lottery is a suckers bet, another tax on taxpayers who are really bad at math.  You cannot spend your way out of debt as Obama has found out and the rest of America is finding you can not win your way to riches … Neither work

Which reminds me of Karl.  Each and every day, almost religiously, Karl would look up at the sky and he would pine, “Oh Lord, just give me five numbers on the lottery.”  Day after day, each day a new prayer and a new request … “Just six good numbers Lord … Five and a bonus Lord … please, if you give me this, I will make sure that I tithe on the money Lord.”

And then one day it happened to Karl, just like he wished it would.  Immediately after his prayer, he heard a voice boom from the heaven’s above and it said …. “Karl, give me a break, buy a ticket.”

The first number is twenty seven, the second number is forty-eight, #3 is 16, and here is one more you do not have …. #2.

Tah-Tah, tootle-loo, I will see you.

OOO

[#1171]

Put Some Zest In Your Life …

Been having a lot of problems with commercials here lately.  I don’t understand them at all, they must feel that we are a Happy Meal short of french fries or something.  (I hear now that they have a new Happy Meal they are serving in Oakland California … The Happy To Be Alive Meal)  Slowly but surely I am reaching my tolerance level on this current round of television commercials.

As it is a slow day here at the goat farm, I will point out or illustrate a few examples for you.

Verizon …Which is not to be confused with Horizon … two different things y’all.  Huge airplane, a stormy dark, mysterious looking sky.  I see three guys, each carrying a bright shiny ball of some sort, running to the back of a C-130 at a horrendous height above mother earth.  They all voluntarily bail out the rear of this plane and head downward, hurtling thru space at an incredible speed, carrying their shiny light things, and then the entire country lights up with noticeable intensity and power …. then a notice … “Do Not Try This” flashes onto the screen.

No problem.  Rented a C-130 lately.  Anyone?  Anyone?

Thought so.

Fabreeze, here is another one for you.  Gets out 75% of smells and odors, in the new sweet citrus and zest scent.  Now I am kind of worried about the 25% that gets through, what in the world could that possibly smell like?  And this “zest” what is that exactly?  In the masculine sense it just does not work, “Hey did you smell the zest on that guy?  Wonder how long he has gone without a shower?” or “Karl was asked to not come into the locker room after 18 holes, as other members complained about his zest.”

Cut away … Two duck hunters sitting in a blind in the backwaters of a half-frozen pond in Wisconsin, crack of dawn, one turns to the other and says, “Say Dan, what is that scent you are wearing?” and the other hunter replies, “Well Frank, it is called zest.”  A moment of awkward silence and then … “It smells simply delicious” the other hunter replies, “Why thanks, do you think these waders make my butt look big?  Be honest now.”

I don’t get it.

Click new channel.  Focus in on the sleek, chrome, testosterone filled SUV going down the road at a high rate of speed in what looks like modern day Wyoming or Red Lodge, Montana.  Suddenly for no apparent reason, it leaves the road and swings out into the open wilderness in carefully controlled reckless abandon.  (Figure that one out.)  Sagebrush and dust fill the screen!  The announcer says, “No other SUV will do this!”   Yeah?  Bull, anything and everything will do that, if you say, fall asleep at the wheel or look down to fish out another Gummy Bear out of the bag on the floorboard of the car.  Then it appears …. “Do Not Try This … Professionals.

Again … No problem.

Click new channel.  All these CMT video’s (and most of the situation comedies on television these days) are driving me up the wall.  Where are all the obese people, the people with the apparent weight problems?  Kind of like Bay Watch, the old television show that ran in the late nineties, that always had a beach full of beautiful people.  Running and sunning, not a care in the world, ah life was good.

Where are all these TV people living?  I never see them anywhere.  Where is this mythical population of just well endowed women showing a lot of cleavage.  Come to think of it, where are all the well endowed women showing a lot of cleavage when I go out to the store and to town?  I surely see a lot of overweight people.

I don’t get it.

CMT is also running a commercial for a new T Shirt that effectively removes (pardon the expression) “Butt Cracks.”  I am not making this up people, it is on there.  Here is a new product that will save us from unsightly appendage exposure by providing the wearer of the garment a longer tail on the T Shirt.  Now seriously, what kind of audience are they seeking besides Joe The Plumber of Sarah Palin Fame?

I told you it was a slow day on the Goat Farm … I seem to be on a roll … so here are two more.  Why is the dumb kid in the joke always named “Little Johnny” and the other woman greeted in the supermarket “Jane, and she just cannot believe its not butter?”

(If I tried to spoon feed my bride a piece of toast, she would bust my chops faster than a New York Minute and one more thing, if she ever shows up at the table wearing a sheer semi-transparent nightgown like that … Well flapjacks be dammed … All bets are off!)

And every now and then you come across a commercial that is worth watching, something that not only informs but captivates.  Such as this one, the power of dreams, Citibank …  There are so many adventures in life, that most of us will never come close to experiencing.

Having succeeded in increasing my total word count for the month, and gleefully established myself as a dues paying member of the Dirty Old Man Club,  I shall now make my departure.  This is the end of today’s post … please do not try this at home … as it is clearly apparent that it wasn’t done by a professional and you could possibly hurt yourself.

OOO