Cause and Effect

Isn’t it funny how the “language” is always changing, slowly and often un-noticed, the things that we considered “standard” are no longer around. Replaced while we were not looking. Lately I have been hung up on this language thing so I thought I might devote a little time to it this morning.

Often I will keep a notepad next to the chair in the living room, when I hear them I write them down. Things like “New and Improved” and all this other clutter we are forced to deal with on a daily basis. Here are a few for your morning coffee:

  • Auto Mechanic – Service Technician
  • Washington D.C. – where insignificant individuals trespass on a nation’s time.
  • Auto Salesman – Finance Specialist
  • Housewife – Domestic Engineer
  • Military Intelligence – S.N.A.F.U.
  • Unemployment – Democracy’s way of getting you to plant a garden.
  • Used Car – Program Car
  • SEX – The most awful filthy thing on earth that we save for someone we love.
  • Pre-Owned – Wore out.
  • Bail Out – Charity for the rich
  • National Secrecy – The beginning of tyranny.
  • United States – A nation of badly written laws, seldom enforced.
  • Dead Civilians – Collateral Damage
  • Boomer Sooner – Brain Dead.
  • Some Discomfort – Explosive Diarrhea
  • Same As Cash – Not Quite.
  • Assembles in minutes – Call a professional.
  • Sudden Side Effects – Death.
  • Vasectomy – Never having to say you’re sorry
  • Universal Fit – Won’t work, won’t fit.
  • H.M.O. – Hand Over Your Money Or Die
  • Second place – The first loser.
  • Market Rally – You lost.
  • Low Blood Sugar – Sicker than a dog.
  • Easy Payments – Financial slavery
  • Wordsmith – The assault of thoughts on the unthinking
  • Romance – The glamor which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.
  • Reality – The leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Then we get into the Politically Correct Arena.

B.C. it means “before Christ” in most circles denoting dates before what’s commonly accepted as the year Christ was born. In academic circles, B.C. has been replaced with the more politically correct B.C.E., or “Before Common Era.”

A.D. it stands for Anno Domini, Latin for “in the year of our Lord.” It is used to denote time after the birth of Christ. The more politically correct term now used is C.E., for “Common Era.”

C-SPAN it stands for Cable Satellite Public Affairs Network. C-SPAN broadcasts mostly House of Representatives and Senate sessions. It is a television network for morons, given by morons, to morons.

TEN WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means at least a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is rather, a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.   (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wan ts to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ … that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying ____ YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

(10) Nut-Huh. What my five year old granddaughter uses to emphazize … “No!  No Way!  Not Now Grandpa!  It isn’t gonna happen.”

They evidently learn early in Oklahoma.

Tomorrow, five entertainers who had airports named after them. Six stars who took karate lessons from Chuck Norris. Why George Bush never wears a name tag at High School Reunions.

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