Jus Sayin 1222

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Yesterday was rather traumatic for me. 

Let me explain, having run out of clean underwear, and nothing to be found in the sock drawer either, I decided to “go commando” and went to town.  Now when I “go commando” it gives me this tingly feeling down there, and I get something akin to a warm fuzzy.  Y’know, like a cable car ride in San Francisco with your new friend Ramone. 

It is not a genuine warm fuzzy, but rather a good second best. 

This warm-fuzzy-feeling sensation in turn leads to a sort of twisted lip syndrome kind of thing, how it migrates from down there to up there, is a true medical mystery to me.  It produces a body reaction where the lip twists into a limp smile then slowly spreads across my face.  Unfortunately after this occurs I will spend the rest of the day, walking around with this crooked looking smile, and glassed over eyes.

Which proved to be rather embarrassing at Target, which is by the way, where I went to purchase some new socks and under-ware.

As I have said before … It’s not easy being me.

Jus Sayin

Black Friday Seven Days Removed

Last week, during a brief lapse of sanity, my wife talked me into going shopping.  Now I am not a big shopper, I am not a good shopper, at the very least, I am not a fun shopper.  Why anyone would invite me to go shopping with them, well, that amazes me in itself, it really does.

Let’s face it, men are not geared for shopping, we do not have the stamina, manual dexterity (for picking up things, admiring them, and then saying ooooooooo-so-pretty), and patience required for dealing with large crowds of shoppers.

The first thing that happens when you go shopping with a woman, is you go legally blind.  You pull into the mall parking lot, and she immediately starts calling out empty spots, places that we can park in, automatically assuming that I do not see them.  All of this, and we haven’t even started for the main building.

So as you can see, I am somewhat skeptical about shopping, I would rather stay at home and watch old re-runs of Tool Time and grunt secret messages to the dog.  Our latest Texas shopping incursion took place in The Lone Star State, The Panhandle of Good Buys, Amarillo, Texas. One of those spontaneous “Hey, lookie here, you want to do some shopping” things.

Just outside of Amarillo, Texas, on the west-side of town, there is a huge shopping mall.  We pulled into the parking lot, found a spot on the fringe area (the very farthest part of this gigantic parking lot away from the store, a parking lot I might add, that was mostly empty) and I shut the bus down.  We had not been parked in this solitary spot some five minutes, when a security guard in a little white truck, with the yellow flashing lights pulled up.

I went outside to see what was going on and looked at the guy and said, “Howdy, how you doin?” which I thought was an appropriate Texas greeting.  His response was, “We don’t allow any overnight parking.”  Which I found to be somewhat rude.

Overlooking this flagrant oversight of good manners, I proceeded to explain to him that we thought we might park here on the fringe of the parking lot (which consisted of several acres mind you) and then in the morning when the stores opened for business, do some shopping.  Again, “we do not allow overnight parking.”  He then took it upon himself to tell me where the next available WalMart was and how to get there.

So I patiently listened to him explain all of this to me, how I could drive five miles out of my way, park, then come back the next morning when the stores opened.  And then I said, “What makes you think that I am going to do that?”  About this time I swear, he got this “calf looking at a brand new gate look on his face” and said, “Why not?”

So I said to him, “You stand here, and rather rudely suggest that I beat it, and then you expect me to come back the next morning and spend my money with you?  Get real.”  No shopping for Mama this day, we fired up the Old Hoopie and headed down the road.  A little irritated and bent out of shape, but not any lighter in the pocketbook.  During this lull in the festivities I got to wondering if the merchants in that store, some of them running on marginal profits in hard times, know that outside in the parking lot, this is going on?

I kind of doubt it.

All this week, all I have heard is Black Friday this, and Black Friday that.  Today in the doctor’s office, instead of reading the six month old magazines, the lady sitting next to me is reading advertisements for sales in local stores.  The Holiday Season is in full swing.  Downtown traffic is slowing, the portable guard shacks and security is up in the malls, things are poppin.  The seasonal crush is in full swing.

Some will go so far as to suggest that the holiday shopping season in this country is not long enough.  Which is hard to believe, when you see them stocking Christmas items on the shelves in August.  If they want to push profits into the positive side of the scale, they should offer more sales during the year (Not during the so-called Black Friday week in November) and stop running off business in the parking lot.

The two biggest discount retailers in America Walmart and Target have just staged the most brutal pre-Thanksgiving price wars in recent history  After Thanksgiving last week WalMart started selling Barbie dolls and board games for $10.  Target not to be outdone, marked down hundredreds of toys to the $5 and $15 range.  And to make sure Walmart got the message.  Target slashed Barbie’s price to $5.

Good for Ken and Barbie, not so good for me and the Mrs.  We get the weenie in the little truck with the yellow lights.

Happy Shopping … T’is The Season You Know *

OOO

I just read this aloud to check it for errors and the wife says I am wrong … They now put out the Christmas stuff in July.  Cartoon is courtesy of American Progress Online

This N That

17367_blimp_mascot_cartoon_character_gesturing_with_his_hand_while_lying_on_his_side

Did you know, that gesturing with your hands as you speak, actually improves your memory?

It is hard on lampshades and other pieces of furniture in the home however.

My sister, does this, one time jokingly we said to her, “sit on your hands and then talk” and she could not do it, she started stuttering.

Try it.

Let’s see what is on the agenda for today?  Make history, fix economy, get puppy, end wars, measure drapes, close Guantanamo, Unify America, get milk, hire Rahm, appear bi-partisan, find a new school for the kids. Man, I am glad that I am not the president elect, writing this two-bit rag now appears to be a piece of cake.

Gimme My Change

A North Carolina woman has been awarded $3.1 million after Target employees refused to accept her $100 bill.  The cashiers not only decline the bill, they emailed her photo to police and local businesses as a suspect counterfeiter.  Her attorney says the store got off light.  “Where can we go to buy back your good name?” Evidently you cannot purchase or buy it at Target that is for sure.

(Now switch over to your best Andy Rooney mood when you read this next part)

You ever notice, how a few months back, every time you handed someone a twenty, they pulled out their little magic marker and swiped it?  Now days, they just take the money … so hungry for the cash now, they don’t care if it’s real or not.

Did you notice that all the bankers that came running and begging for government money didn’t have a problem raising fee’s and interest rates afterwards?  And that all the Stock Market crowd are giving out end of the year bonuses for doing a sorry job …

While we are at it, did you ever notice how the money changers at ChinaMart scoop your money up, the first time, and then dispense your change?  But if you go to the Post Office and use their machines, they make you “force feed the sucker a dollar bill ten times” before it will do the deal …. What’s up with that? (now wasn’t that fun?)

The Egyptian Love Boat

Ever wonder about life in an Islamic country, here is your chance, something as simple as flirting with girls, can get you in a lot of hot water.  Check it out here.

Civic duty to extremes

An American couple have flown from India to New York City just to vote in the Presidential election.  The couple’s absentee ballots  failed to arrive, so they jumped on a plane for the 9,300 mile flight.  In Florida 350 residents of a Florida nudist colony petitioned the state to open a clothing optional voting site.  No word on how many “hanging chads.”  (groan)  Kenya declared a national holiday to celebrate Barack Obama’s election win.  People poured into the streets, and danced, and carried Obama’s half-brother Kalik on their shoulders.

For sale … Dirt Cheap

The Iraqi government which received no nibbles on its offer to sell Saddam Hussiens 269 ft yacht.  The luxury craft, valued at some thirty million dollars is outfitted with swimming pools, gold-tap bathrooms, a secret escape passageway, and several barely used rocket launchers.  In other related Iraqi news, they have graciously agreed to “allow us to leave” in three years.  What a deal.  Still no word on Osamma Been Forgotten but here is a well written piece on it.  Crackerboy.

Xtreme Healthcare

Ottawa Canada ER’s are experiencing difficulty meeting case loads.  Emergency rooms in Canada are so crowded that patients are dying while they wait to be treated.  Treatment is free in Canada national health-care system, and in many hospitals, packed ambulances idle outside for hours because there is no place to leave patients.  Some are describing the system as a “third world country.”

Tell your story … Here are two dust catchers if I ever saw one.

Joe the Plumber is now going to write a book.  Sarah Palin has a rumored book deal, and now we get to hear about their incredible rise to fame and their lives in the public spotlight.  Also Joe has been rumored to be considering a “country and western record” deal on top of that.  Has hired a Nashville Public Relations firm and the whole nine-yards.

Some possible song titles for the upcoming CD:

  • 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
  • 9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
  • 8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
  • 7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.
  • 6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause She Might Win.
  • 5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here.
  • 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
  • 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
  • 2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer.
  • And the Number One Country & Western song might be …
  • 1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed on You’re a** All Day

Me?  I am holding out for the movie.  And yes, we are still working on the Creative Endeavors Sunny Acres Sunshine band and will have more news on that in a few days.

Watch for it.

I will now return faithfully to the sanctimony of our bat-cave, where I hang upside down during the daylight hours (it’s really a walk-in-closet, but bat cave sounds so incredibly cool … don’tya think?).  This is the treatment Cup Cake has suggested for me to delay aging, it allows in the short term, to get blood to flow to my upper body, which will give me that vibrant flushed youthful appearance.

Makeup just isn’t working.

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Do You want fries with that.

Now here is a novel concept, your order on time, and it is right.  If your next fast-food order at the drive-through has the right food in the right bag, you may have  something surprising to thank: the bad economy.  In the past six months, Carl’s Jr.’s 478 locations in Southern California in particular have been able to recruit crew members more fluent in English, and thus are able to process drive-through orders more accurately.

“It’s a no-brainer.  Hiring people who are fluent in English has always been something we’ve wanted to do.  Now we can.”  That’s because, with layoffs on the rise – particularly in hard-hit Southern California – the chain can be more selective in hiring.

The unemployment rate in California hit 7.7% in August vs. the national rate of 6.1% – the most recent month from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. “When times are tough, people are willing to take jobs for which they’re over-qualified.”

Pay Attention Mr. Bush, you might learn something here.

Mexico agreed Monday to deport Cubans who sneak illegally through Mexican territory to reach the U.S., a step toward cutting off an increasingly violent and heavily used human trafficking route.  The agreement, signed by Cuban Foreign Minister Felipe Perez Roque and Mexican Foreign Secretary Patricia Espinosa, takes effect in one month. It also criticizes U.S. policy that generally allows Cubans who reach U.S. territory to stay, while turning back most caught at sea.

Cuban migrants in recent years have increasingly headed for Mexico – often to the coast near Cancun – then overland to Texas because it has become so hard to dodge the U.S. Coast Guard and reach Florida to qualify for U.S. residency.  The U.S. Border Patrol is reporting that some 42 incursions into U.S. territory since last October by THE MEXICAN ARMY.  Evidently a lot of drug cartels are experiencing problems getting their merchandise over the border, so they get their Mexican buddies in the Army to make probes into U.S. soil, thus pulling the Border Patrol away from the smuggling entry points.

Next Time Take The Train

Phoenix – The price of an all-day bus or light rail pass in the city could go from $2.50 to $4.50 under a proposal being considered by transit officials. The regional transit board, struggling with falling tax revenue and rising fuel prices, will consider the hike early next year.  That is a pretty hefty hike right there wouldn’t you say?  You ever notice they never say, “uh, how about giving us a quarter extra and if that don’t work out, we will be back?”

Nah, just go for the big bucks and get it over with.

I note that a lot of travel agencies are now offering fares around the world to wonderful, exotic locations and the post the price of the trip.  And then they add, Plus Taxes and Fuel Charges.  Which kind of irritates me, how were these people planning on us getting there in the first place?  You have to use some kind of fuel to transport folks.  Why isn’t that just included in the price of the trip.

Bad news coming out of Anchorage, Alaska.  No check in the mail.

The state’s oil wealth savings account lost nearly $10 billion in a year. Most of the state’s residents receive an annual check from this fund, based on its net income averaged over five years. The fund peaked at $40.4 billion last October and now is about $30 billion.  Looks like the governor will have to go back to shopping at Target.

Even More Alaska news, and no, this is not concerning Caribou Barbie so check your hormones at the door boys.

stevensSen. Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, left, leaves court on Tuesday after his corruption conviction with his lawyer, Brendan Sullivan. Stevens is now calling for a probe into the federal lawyers who prosecuted him.

I guess this comes under the “You did it to me, so I am gonna do it to you, fairness doctrine in the 49th state.”

Wait … It gets better.

A juror who vanished during Alaska Senators’ corruption trial told the judge Monday she lied about her father dying and flew to California to see horse races.

U.S. District Judge Emmet Sullivan ordered Marian Hinnant, identified as juror No. 4, to return to court to explain why she disappeared during jury deliberations. Hinnant brought a stack of handwritten notes with her to the court Monday along with public defender A.J. Kramer, and told the judge that her father hadn’t died and she was at the Breeders’ Cup in Arcadia, Calif.

She apologized for lying, and then started a long rambling story about horses, which included references to horse breeding, the Breeders’ Cup, drugs, President Ford’s son Steven and her condo in Florida being bugged.  At that point, the judge said, “I am thoroughly convinced you would not have been able to continue to deliberate,” Sullivan interrupted.

“Can I have a case of my own?” Hinnant asked. Sullivan referred her to Kramer and the federal public defender’s office, and excused her from his courtroom.

Outside the courthouse, Hinnant refused to answer questions about whether she was on medication or had been hospitalized. When asked what she thought about Stevens’ case, she said: “He didn’t do anything any of the other congressmen and senators did, so they’re all guilty.”

She then loaded up in her Ford Fiesta that she claims is powered by Oatmeal, and headed south to her home in the lower 48 that has tree’s that hum, and all the children glow in the dark.

Gonna go way out on the limb folks and say that Obammer walks away with the election today.  I could be wrong, but I just don’t feel like I am.  Why don’t war heroes win elections anymore?  Excepting George Bush Sr. it has been 48 years since a war hero won the presidency.  And it isn’t like there has been a big shortage or wars and conflicts the past 48 years, so that cannot be the reason.

So what is the problem?

Again, so many questions and so little time.  Oh well, time to gear up for 2012, I am thinking Rosie O’Donnell or Elizabeth Hassleback from The View … whadya think?

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