Inside The Cage Looking Out

Nice to wake up to a good cup of piping hot coffee, little sunshine in the window, and the much anticipated storm did not materialize.  Life is good.  It has been a long week, I am hoping that this one on tap is better than the last.  Putting a video here for you first off, you can click on it and Grandma will play you the blues … As you read the latest news.

This morning I am reading a post by a lady who has been Fresh Pressed five times, that in itself, amazes me.  But wait, it gets better.  Just below that in the comments section someone is asking her “how is it I get Fresh Pressed?” which is something akin to asking “How many grains of sand are there on the beaches of the world?” One poster was actually lamenting how difficult it was to post three times per week, I found that quite amusing.  Here is the clear cut winner … One poster was going “to learn ONE NEW WORD a year.”  Wow, knock yourself out there sister!  It has to be true Maw, I read it on the Internet.

A great deal of interesting material in the news.  This one here, I really liked it.  A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving  revolvers.  The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”  When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.  This guy doesn’t even deserve a seat at Stoooopid Criminal School.

Anyone seen this new tattoo show on CMT where they have competitions with each other on certain designs (snake, devil, flower) and they go to the closest morgue and put their handiwork on a cadaver.  Now I ask you, “how sick is that?” Your poor Uncle Ed who has been living under an overpass for the past five years dies when his alcohol diseased sick liver finally gets tired and stops.  You go down to the morgue to pick him up and they hand him back to you looking like one of your Grandmother’s best hand-knitted quilts.

This is almost as disgusting as the game I play with myself when I fly to Asia.  Leaving Seattle, Washington, you usually swing over a huge portion of the world that is covered with ice and snow (might all be gone now, I dunno?).  I will look out the window of the aircraft and then back into the cabin and my mind will start to race … “Which one of these people am I going to eat first?” in order to survive. gas7 Gasoline continues to do a downward spiral, and yesterday my bride asked me if it would ever go under $2 again.  I gave her the standard “when pigs fly” answer but that was not enough.  So I calmly put it in technical terms for her. Honey, it’s true, oil prices have reached an all time low this year. But before consumers do something drastic, like purchase a hybrid—or as I call them, a mutant—consider the fixed costs that go into producing your typical $104 barrel of oil.

Right up front, $5 goes to new development of new oil resources. $10 goes to new technology research. $15 a barrel goes to making those commercials where oil companies try to convince you they’re not raping the environment and $25 goes toward blackening the oil.  BP is your friend, Exxon is the company of choice, this fuel only contains ____ % of cane products grown in Brazil. Then my wife said to me …  If I may, just very quickly, right there stop you, I was under the impression that oil comes out black.

That’s what Hollywood would have you believe, dear.

No, oil actually comes out of the ground looking like this (holding up a fruit jar with a honey looking substance inside). A pretty rainbow! And it burns clean. Cruding it up ain’t cheap.  She then says “so that adds, I guess, $55 a barrel to the oil, what about the rest of the cost?”  (We are on a roll now, she bought it)  Well Honey, it fluctuates, depending on how chaotic the political situation is in places like North and South Dakota.

gas24

That’s why the Middle East loves our stagnant economy and all those empty roads that are now devoid of traffic, tourists, and commercial business. Without these modifiers, we often see our oil prices plummet. Gas will never go below the $2 benchmark set for it recently by my wife, I am sure of that.  Unless of course, we all buy a gas sucking SUV from Government Motors and Middle Eastern revenue streams dry up and the terrorist are having to work second jobs at Bennigans … or … the Middle Eastern equivalent … Jhad-Applebee’s.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, but I have to run now, our three year old decided to tune my guitar for me over the weekend, and I have to work on that. One last thing:  As the middle of the month rapidly approaches remember a couple of important dates.  #1  Martin Luther King Day is on the 21st.  Also, January is Stalker Awareness Month. So, leave a gift by your bedroom window for your special someone.

OOO

Back Home and Re-Charged

Hey!  We are back and it is good to be home. 

October 1st, 2012 gimme a ghoulish vampire or monkey mask and a big ol Pumpkin, fall is in the air!

Our first bus adventure took us deep into the heart of the state of Texas and then later on, up to the Southeastern portion of our home state Oklahoma.  We met with friends there, enjoyed a story or two, and some good food, then came back home.  (Pictures are included here, please follow the links.)

More or less floated a day or two with some other friends here at the Goat Farm and then attended another bus get together 35 miles from the house.  This was at a gathering entitled The Three Amigo’s in Oklahoma City where met and made new friends, where we were introduced to some very interesting people in that group.  Its always nice to make new friends with which to mingle.

It has been an interesting and productive couple of weeks.  The bus has been backed into the shop and it is sitting there kind of forlorn and sad (If a bus is capable of such things?), waiting on our next adventure whenever that might be.

A great deal has happened in our absence and there are a lot of new items to be pushed to the front burner of the stove. 

For instance we went shopping at the Mall in the Dallas area recently and I discovered that I am now a minority in my own country.  Perhaps one of these days I will write an article on it entitled A Foreigner In My Own Land or something.  Walking along with the wife in this shopping mall, surrounded by people of middle eastern origins, blacks, mexicans, and the presence of very few white people, surely was an eye opener for me.

America is changing incredibly fast these days.

Give and you shall receive:  Reading newspapers in restaurants in different cities has always been one of my hobbies.  I read where a Dallas girl, had found $2,000 and handed it over to the authorities and was finally rewarded for her honesty.  There is however, a glitch here, there is always a glitch.

She did the right thing, no doubt about it when she found the money in a sack in a north Dallas parking lot and turned it in to police.  They told her that if no one claimed the money, she would be entitled to it.

After waiting the allotted amount of time, she went to collect the money and was told that the city was going to keep the money after all.  The resulting media outcry prompted an unnamed donor to reward her with $4,000.  The the city reconsidered their stingy bastard behavior and gave the teenager the $2,000.  In the end, for her honesty, she was $6000 better off.

It is a shame cities or governments have to be forced to do the right thing these days.

Stoooopid Crook Files:  A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, “Put all your muny in this bag.”  While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.  I just love stooopid crook stories, they always make me smile.

Reach Out and Bug Somebody:  Employee’s of an Amtrak train headed for Salem, Oregon, stopped the train so that a 39 year old man could be escorted off the train at a non-scheduled stop.  The man allegedly spent “16 hours” talking on a cell phone in a “quiet” car.

Everywhere we went this year, the phones and the electronic’s were there.  My wife even has her phone rigged up to automatically send a photo that she has taken, back home to the computer and placed into storage.

Imagine that.

This simple feat of technology just amazes me.  I have pictures in my cellphone that are over three years old, I don’t know where it is they reside, nor do I know how to retrieve them and get them out of there.  Now …. Ask me if I care?  That are about it for today, we are back, somewhat rested and in the groove, hope you enjoyed the brief hiatus as much as we did.

OOO

Another Canicular Summer Day

Going to get hot today, might be time to find a shady spot and get in it.  Oklahoma is that way in the summertime, hot and muggy.  El Ex-Presendente Mr. Bush came and gave his speech in the Oklahoma Panhandle this weekend, he is currently stumping all the Dairy Queens and 7-11 stores across the nation, watch your local paper for another appearance by him soon.

I suppose he said something brilliant like:  “I’ve reminded the prime minister … the American people, Mr. Prime Minister …. Over the past months, that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.”

Spoken like a true national spokesperson if I ever heard one.

Grandbabies have packed up and headed south, they live in Houston, Texas.  It is always interesting when they are here, listening to them talk, what they say, the questions they ask.  All part of the growing up process.  I am so happy that they do not live in Florida.

Florida prison officials are apologizing for using 50,000 volt stun guns on children on Take Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day.  State corrections officers report that 43 children were stunned at three separate prisons, most with their parent permission.  Never the less, I cannot imagine what these people were thinking to administer this device to children.

The thing that got to me was the article said, “most” of them with parental permission, does this mean that “some” didn’t want it, but got it anyway?

Pretty sick, no matter how you color it.

New word for the day boys N girls, are you ready?  HETEROPATERNAL SUPERFECUNDATION.  Now that is a mouth full.  This is a totally new word that was put into the dictionaries here lately in Texas after a woman gave birth to two twins that had DIFFERENT DNA and she admitted to have been sleeping with two men when they were conceived.

Learn something new every day ……

A small Spokane, Washington, distillery developed a small army of volunteers to bottle and package its vodka and gin for NO pay, as long as they get free shots of the products and the end of their shift.  It has grown quickly by word-of-mouth (the best advertising in the world) and has become very popular.  I worked for an outfit for over twenty-four years, and all they ever gave me was a paycheck and a hard time.

The current debacle over the Michael Jackson death continues, all the tabloids have jumped on it, and every stupid commentator in America has an opinion on what actually or really went down.  I just cannot fathom America’s obsession with celebrities and the fact that they almost canonize a drug addict and do their best to elevate him to sainthood.

Meanwhile, down in Texas (again), a couple reported finding a Cheetos cheese snack that bears a strange resemblance to Jesus.  They are currently trying to sell it on Ebay and claim that “if it only brings .25 cents, we’re going to eat it.” Now if that don’t bring a tear to your eye, nothing will.

I see where Congress has passed legislation on the credit card companies and they cannot raise interest rates unless you are 60 days in arrears, and have to put the rate back down, if you make your payments for six months on time.  No more penalties on borrowers who exceed their limits on their cards.  And they have to give your children back to you when you pay up.

Of course the credit card people countered with “they would be FORCED to issue fewer cards, and credit would be harder to come by, and the economy would suffer because of this.”  Which in essence means, no more mail solicited cards to dogs and cats, 4 year old children and whatever.

It is awfully hard for me to feel sorry for these bozo’s, who charge 37% on their money, but pay you less than 1% on YOUR MONEY in savings accounts in their institutions.

Here you go …. It must be true, I mean, I read it in the tabloids.

I am standing at the checkout counter at the local China-Mart and there it is.  An ingenious North Carolina teenager allegedly brandished a banana rather than a gun while holding up a store then he tried to eat the evidence.  The 17 year-old tried to rob an Internet Café with the fruit held beneath his shirt, but the staff overcame him, said the police.  He did manage to eat the banana, but failed to eat the peel, which the police duly photographed and took into evidence.

It has to be Monday … It just has to be.

OOO

Lock N Load

I swear this country is turning into suspicious, mean spirited, gas bags.  The really sad part is the majority of them are on radio and in a public venue.  We need to search them out and eradicate each and every one of them.  They are a scourge upon the land.  Yeah I know, “free speech and all that” but when it becomes downright mean, nasty and vindictive, it should not be allowed.

This week a conservative talker was suspended after blaming swine flu on the ‘millions of leeches’ from Mexico.  Conservative talker Jay Severin was suspended indefinitely by Boston’s WTKK-FM after using the current swine flu outbreak to attack Mexicans and immigrants. On his radio show, Severin blamed the swine flu on what he called “some of the world’s lowest of primitives in poor Mexico”:

“So now in addition to venereal disease and the other leading exports of Mexico — women with mustaches and VD — now we have swine flu. … We should be if anything surprised that Mexico has not visited upon us poxes of more various and serious types considering the number of cimminalieans already here.

[W]hen scoop up some of the world’s lowest of primitives in poor Mexico and drop it down in the middle of the United States. Poor, without skills, without language, not share our culture, not share our hygiene. … It’s millions of leeches from a primitive country. … Now they are exporting a rather more active form of disease which is the swine flu.”

Man, talk about garbage.  What happened to plain old common sense. Have we lost our sense of humanity in this country?

What's Next?

What's Next?

(Thanks to Jonco)

The weekend, I am ready!

Hopefully we may get some sunshine, it has been raining here and we needed it but I am ready for a little sun and some nice weather for a change.  Get out in the great outdoors, a little time away from the house and all the chores that seem to never go away.

If I lived in Massachusetts I could go fishing at lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg.

Now that is a mouthful …  I cannot … nor will I attempt to even try and pronounce that one for sure.  And I thought “Massachusetts” was bad, but this one takes the cake.  Lately, believe it or not, they have found instances of road signs where this has actually been misspelled.  Hard to believe, but it is true.  One example was “Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamugg.” But rest assured, the signs are to be corrected.

Here is another one I found amusing.

Tourists have routinely had their picture taken at a popular tourist attraction in the southwest corner of Colorado, even I have succumbed to this and pulled in to the spot to check it out.  I have even considered leaving a geo clue there for Yogi.   Now it seems the National Geodetic Survey has found that the Four Corners Marker where tens of thousands of American’s have smiled and said, “Cheese.”

Is in fact, in the wrong spot.

This is one of the few spots in the USA where you are supposed to be able to stand on the corner of Colorado, New Mexico , Utah, and Arizona, all at the same time.  But it turns out that it is in the wrong place, it is actually supposed to be about two and one-half miles west of its current location.  Things are not what they appear to be chapter two this week.

What is it that I truly love ……… stoopid crooks.

Enter one Daniel Duran, a Houston Texas man who allegedly robbed a bank and stuffed the bundles of cash down his pants as he raced out of the bank.  Duran was later arrested and then taken to the hospital when the dye packs inside the money exploded giving him serious burns in areas we won’t mention.

I just love stoopid crooks.

Also this week, a little order in the court when an judge in Idaho duct taped a defendants mouth shut, another new use for the tape, which is know as “The Chrome Plating of the South.”

Hard call, an Indiana police officer is suing his department for firing him because he refused to be tasered.  It is the policy of the police department to taser all officers so that they can know what 50,000 volts of electricity feels like. (Something the majority of us have always wondered about eh?)

This 54 year old officer, had a bad disc in his back, his doctor recommended that he not participate in the exercise, and he was fired.  You make the call, should this have been allowed?

100-days

Today is my sixty-third day of my new laptop, and I still cannot get used to Vista and the keyboard.  It is a real pain in the part of you that goes over the fence last.  But as this seems to be the new standard for America (100 day segments) I will keep you apprised and up to date.  Actually it is a good thing for me, because my prescriptions come in 90 day increments.

While we are at it (government and all …. Nice blend huh?  Thank you very much!)

A government watchdog group has launched nearly 20 criminal investigations related to the government’s bailout.  The special inspector-general of the bailout program is focusing on alleged wrong doing by recipients of funds from the Troubled Assets Relief Program.

He is investigating cases of possible mortgage fraud, tax evasion, and insider trading, as well as an unnamed bank that he said “was cooking their books” to qualify for bail out funds.

Is this a great country or what?

Applications for open medical marijuana dispensaries have soared since President Obama announced that the fed’s will not mess with institutions that are under California law.  In Los Angeles and Oakland alone, pot is now sold openly in thousand off storefronts.  Unemployment compensation for dealers put of work has not been reported as available at this time.

Sales of wine, beer, and other alcoholic products are on the rise something like 4.8% nationwide as more and more people stay home  and do their drinking there, saving money on restaurants and bars.  I no longer personally drink to have a good time, I only drink to silence the voices in my head.

When my company asked me to give a sample of my urine for a drug test, and they found an olive in it, well, that was the end of my drinking career and come to think of it, it didn’t help my railroading career too much either.

Legal firearm sales have escalated about 27% since the Obama folks assumed the White House.  The first three months of this year, produced about four million new background checks made by the FBI..  Gun owners are afraid that the Obama administration will impose new restrictions, so they’re buying now.

I am going to change lanes now Honey …. Cover me.

Have a good weekend, we will see you on Monday.

OOO
“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)

Saturday Wowser

I am sitting at the bank, and the banker says to me, “Do you have our new VISA with the photo ID yet?” and I say “No.” So then he says to me, “Why not?” And I reply, “You charge for your VISA and have all these fee’s, I am not into that.”

So then he inquires, “Where is yours located, which was kind of stupid, I mean I am a guy after all?  What kind of question is that?” But we were talking about banking and I missed the point.

So I said, “It is out of Boston or maybe Delaware, I believe, I am not sure, back east.” So he says, “You ought to be doing business in YOUR COMMUNITY and showing some loyalty to the folks who live with you.” So I say, “Okay, they gave me 15.9% annual PCR and no annual fee.” You want 25.5% and $25 per year fee, so why should I do business with you?  You give me the same deal, and I will switch it over.”

Then he smiles and says, “What else can I do for you today Mr. Smith?” and I smile and think “Well for a start you can pucker up and kiss …… Oh well, you know the rest dont’cha?”

By the way, “these folks are on the bail out train too.  My bank is on the list.”

Cover Me I Am Reloading

Awhile back we reported that the Interior Department was fixing to overturn regulation concerning guns in National Parks.  It appears that they have done just that.  Yesterday, the Department of Interior overturned a Reagan-era regulation, permitting loaded firearms at 388 of 391 national park sites. The decision allows guns in parks in “any states with concealed carry laws, not just those that allow guns in their state parks as originally proposed.” While the Department cited safety concerns as a factor, the National Park Conservation Association notes:

According to the FBI’s Uniform Crime Report, there were 1.65 violent crimes per 100,000 national park visitors in 2006-making national parks some of the safest places in the United States. The new regulation could increase the risk for impulse shootings of wildlife, and risk the safety of visitors and rangers.

Despite the potential affect on national park wildlife and resources, the Administration did not conduct an environmental review as required by law. One more just for the fun of it.  The text of the rule notes that earlier, Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) wrote to the Interior Dept. supporting the rule change. If you want more, check out ThinkProgress’s updated report on Bush’s 11th hour regulations and rule changes.

Here is some more “bad government for you” we in America don’t have the market cornered on bad politics (although it often seems as if we are the leaders in bad policy) in Britain they have it too.

In Worcester, England, they ordered a man to take down a 3 ft high barbed-wire fence that he had installed to deter the thieves who had broken into his storage building at least three times in the past four months.  According to the Daily Mail, the council said it was feared would be sued by a wounded trespasser.

Which brings up the age old question, “when was it that they changed it where the CRIMINAL has more rights than the VICTIM?”  Please enlighten me if you will?

The terror attacks in India this week certainly were horrible, I sure hope this is not some kind of prophetic new system of religious fanatical attacks and a new wave of terror for the future in our world.  I thought it was especially comforting how the United Nations promptly took charge and blamed Israel for it all.

Count Your Blessings

I know that Thanksgiving is over and all that stuff is behind us now, but if you want a fresh outlook on life, and something to be thankful for, trot over here and read this, it is an eye opener, a good piece of work.

Sign Of The Times

What is this “Office of the President Elect” signage going on?  I sure wish we could get all of this “locked down and in place” it sure looks like someone has a bad case of premature-inauguration to me.”  Barbara Wa-Wa was on last night, and had her top ten people in the entire world you should know show last night on ABC.  Does anyone know if Sarah Palin made the cut?  I was overhauling a ceiling fan and I missed it.

People Unlike Us

OJ got sentenced yesterday, looks like he will be an old codger when he gets out of the slammer, which is okay with most of us.  We tired of him and his act, a long time ago.  Bush is now scheduled on ABC and around the dial to give even more “farewell speeches” in which he denies any culpable knowledge of ever been elected or even visiting Washington DC in the past ten years.

Bush, Cheney and Rumsfield all meet up in Hell.  Cheney looks around and then snarls out of the side of his mouth, “I should have shot two lawyers, this isn’t right.”  Rumsfield said, “I missed the memo on this, I should have paid more attention.”  Bush sulks over in the corner, curled up in a fetal position mumbling …. “It’s not that hot and I am not here, it’s not that hot and I am not here.”

Self Inflicted Wounds

Rosie O’Donnell effectively murdered her career this week on NBC but it was okay, and I understand it “there were NO witnesses to the crime.”  I also understand that Paris Hilton and Paul Rubens are all set to star in a new movie to be released in 2009.

What are they going to call this.

Pee Wee gets an infection?

I read in USA Today that “unhappy people watch more television than happy people.”  Which figures, all the Happy People are over here on the Internet reading Creative Endeavors.

Bad Cop … No Donut.

A Beaumont, Texas police officer has been suspended from the force for crossing the line during an undercover prostitution sting (that is, he actually had sex) and defended himself in an August hearing.  He sated, “It was a job, sir.  I did not have any pleasure in doing it.  It was something that I was doing for the City.”

Yeah, like that dog is gonna hunt, I wouldn’t look for any back pay on this one Sparky.

One more and then “I am outta here!” (there you go Bill)  Police in Covington, Kentucky arrested a 19 year old kid during a suspected drug deal at a local market.  Although several people were booked that night, he was the one wearing the T-Shirt that read, “It’s Not Illegal Unless You Get Caught.”

Have A Good Weekend, see you all on Monday.  Don’t miss Monday for sure, “Ladies Underwear” a real under 500 word eye popper …

000

Guess Who Is Coming To Dinner

Relatives can bring new meaning to the nations capitol and the papers are abuzz with rumors that Mr. Obama’s mother-in-law is going to move into the White House to take over the chore of raising the girls.  Sounds kind of strange “the first girls” but we have a pair of them now, don’t we?  Some idiots are even raising stink about putting the girls in “private schools” when Mr. Obama didn’t support vouchers for education.

Why not?  It is a parents “moral responsibility” to do the VERY BEST they can for their children, nothing wrong with it.  It is a natural reaction and parental right of passage.  So Mama is moving in with the clan?  Big deal.

Jay Leno said that “Joe Biden was right:  Hostile forces will test him (Obama) in the first few months.” And Letterman also jumped on the bandwagon this week with:  “A mother-in-law in the White House?  Honestly”  I thought this was the administration that was against terror?” Why not?  Marriage is just nature’s way of keeping people fighting (together) that are not total strangers.

I have it made, my mother-in-law lives in Taiwan, 18,000 miles away, she doesn’t speak English and we have never met.  Not like my neighbor Bill, who gets a call from his every other day and she always says …. “Guess who died?”  Who needs that?

My mother lives in California on the other side of the country, and she has called me consistently over the years, almost 50 of them, and she always says, “What time is it there?” and I always reply … “It is two hours different mom, it is always gonna be two hours different.”

Mothers.  I have always kind of secretly wished that I was born a girl, so I could be out on a drive with my mother, and pull into a Strip Joint for men and then say, “I will be right back, I just got to dash in and pick up my paycheck.”  But I am a sick puppy, everyone knows that.

Stupid crook time, I love stooooopid crooks!

Anchorage Alaska.   A robber here chose the wrong victims: a commercial fisherman and an amateur hockey player. The fight outside a hotel here included biting and scratching and ended with a knockout punch, and police said suspect Terry Butler woke up in a closet with a security guard standing over him. He was charged with assault and two counts of robbery.  The next time he asks someone “who had the steak and who had the fish?  Gimme your wallet!  He will be a little bit more considerate, I’ll bet.”

Grounded And Stuck On The Tarmac

Corporate jets are hitting the auction block, owners of private jets are rushing to put them up for sale.  Like rats leaving a sinking ship, it is not “fashionable” to have your own private jet these days.  In November 16% of all the jets in the private sector were up for sale, about 2,541 of them.

Channel Check

Dancin’ With The Stars wrapped up this week, the blond and the kid won it.  20.6 million viewers.  There was other good news … Rosie tanked on NBC which proves without a shadow of a doubt that American’s are tired of her rant. I kept thinking of that lipstick and farm animal line, what was that?  Oh never mind.

Britney is making a comeback, and I guess it is me, but somehow this time, I just kind of hope the kid can pull it off.  I am like that; secretly I yearned for years to have Charlie Brown kick that dog-gone football one time, before Lucy snatched it away!  Call me romantic or whatever, I always seem to be in the corner of the under-dog.  B’sides, she’s got nice ta-ta’s and Charlie Brown didn’t.

Bad Parenting 101

Cape Coral  Florida, kind of funny and at the same time, pretty sad.  An intoxicated man had his 9-year-old son take him on a beer run, authorities said. Joshua Fagan, 24, was arrested after police spotted a pickup truck drive onto a median. Fagan told officers he was teaching the boy to drive, but police said the man’s speech was slurred, his breath smelled of alcohol and he could not stand without swaying. An open case of beer was in the back seat, police said.

The highly inebriated passenger was sitting there with a Budweiser Label affixed to his forehead and told the officers, “It could not have been him, he was on the patch.” But I understand he went to jail anyway.  Did you notice?  He was “24” and his kid was “9” what does that tell you about the south?

Keep It Local

Some folks did not appreciate me picking on West “By Gawd” Virginia as they put it in their emails this week.  Said that I should look at my own home state, Oklahoma.  And they are right.  We aren’t so great. Here you go!  A quick snap-shot of the Sooner Nation (as they call it), the Home of The Grapes Of Wrath, OU Football and Mattress Bros. Furniture where you always get the best deal on a bedroom workbench (you figure it out, it’ll come to ya).

Our recently looted basketball team from the Northwest that we paid “millions for” is currently losing, rather steady like, and is now ranked what?  79th in the nation.  But they are still picking up our trash it just costs more now.  All the Republican bloggers have grown strangely quiet and reserved since the election and have settled down into a sort of quiet before the storm mode. Their collective yawp has diminished some. If you are an Okie on an airliner and it starts a rapid decent, and you are destined to crash, you do not know if you are going to heaven or hell …. All you know is you will be going thru Dallas first.  That is still the same.

The rising tide of the Obama win didn’t lift our boats all that much, we have our share of homeless, churches struggling to feed people, we are now first in highest percentage of uninsured families in the country (health care), first in locking women up in our prisons, and believe it or not, we are first in grandparents raising school age children in the nation.  We used to be first in teenage pregnancy and/or divorces, but I have not heard anything on those items lately, will let you know.

Most of the big name stores at the Mall have moved out, loaded to the gills with shoe stores now.  In bad times, about the only constant is shoes, people can still afford a pair of shoes.  Not much more than that.  Don’t seem to find any pennies in the parking lots anymore.  People are stopping to pick them up and put them in their pockets now, months ago, they laid there ripe for the picking, now they are scarce.

New Chevy Dealer opened north of town, but GM won’t floorplan him any inventory.  How do you run a car dealership without cars, this a new wrinkle in our expanding, recovering, bailed out half-sunk economy?  The news still comes on at five.  It is as always, live, local, late breaking, and boring as well you know, why bother?

We lead or are now finding ourselves in the top 47th or 48th spot for heart attacks and obesity, ranked as one of the “most unhealthiest states in the USA” to live (thank God for Mississippi and Alabama and yes, West “By Gawd” Virginia, or we would be number one in that too), and we have more Indian Casino’s than anywhere in the country.

Yea Oklahoma … we are number one … Go Sooners.

(Now do you feel better?)

Sending our very best is the very least we can do.

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Kiss Me I Am Thirsty

Learning all kinds of new words this year, playcation, staycation, Obamma Amerikuh, and now this.  Poly-Amorous (Bi-Sexual) leave it to a shrink to come up with something as ludicrous as this.

Here I have one for you:  Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (Also known as the O’Reilly effect)

And now we have Poly-Amorous, give me a break.

Listen to this summer’s monster hit song, “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry. It’s an international phenomenon — topping the charts all summer in America, Canada, Australia and Great Britain. I kissed a girl and I liked it, The taste of her cherry chapstick, I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it. It felt so wrong, it felt so right. Now imagine that you hear that your 18-year-old daughter was kissing another girl at a party last weekend. What races through your mind?

“O my gosh, she’s exploring same-sex attractions.

She must be a lesbian.”

You remember the “Love Generation?”  We were that generation, the Baby Boomers who like to believe that we established and formed the definitions on the sexual revolution.  I always found that amusing, sexual revolution, I mean at the time, “I wasn’t fighting anyone on it.”

Now days we have the media and other groups telling us that being gay is pre-programmed from birth.  But girls kissing girls isn’t necessary a lesbian attitude.  Salon.com recently ran a survey on it and most of the girls said that “they just kissed each other to get a free beer at a party or on a dare from the guys.”

Taking it one step further, I suppose it is a way to signal to males that they are “sexually open and adventurous. It was like, look, I’m the center of attention!” recalled one 16-year-old.

When I was sixteen the only advice my parents gave me was to “never go drinking with a guy named Chug-A-Lug” I would not have been prepared for this at all.

Stoopid crooks:  During an escape attempt, an inmate at the county jail in St. Charles, Missouri, ran into the prison’s parking garage and headed for an open door marked “fire exit.”  Sensing that freedom was about to be his, he turned around and gave the approaching deputies a one-finger salute, and dashed thru the door … running smack into the brick wall behind it.  Deputies took the unconscious man to a nearby hospital.

Home-made Exxon … Brew your own  … Impress your neighbors!

Fumes from chemicals used to make bio-diesel fuel reacted with cleaning fluid, caused an explosion early Sunday morning at an Arizona home. The homeowner told investigators he was making the alternative fuel in his garage as a way to save money, an up-and-coming trend that may lead to future catastrophes if not done correctly.

The most likely cause for the fire was spontaneous combustion that had resulted after heat was exchanged between a used rag and a cleaning solvent inside a plastic bucket.  That was aggravated when vapors from a drum of ethanol met with the rag, causing an explosion.  And of course, the brewing of chemicals by some guy who never had his science project done on time. We have basically the same problem here in Oklahoma every winter, when Okies try and lite up their gas heaters with kitchen matches.

One more and then I am outta here.  It has to be true … I mean … “I read it on the Internet!”

If you are the person who flushed a grenade down the ol’ poop-shooter in Xenia, Ohio, the people that work at the sewage plant and I suppose, the local cops, want to talk to you.  Workers found what they believe was a vintage WWII grenade there recently.

A disposal unit from Wright-Patterson Air Force Base came to the plant to examine the grenade.  “They came over and looked at it, X-rayed it. It was probably World War II vintage,” City spokesperson, Leaming said.  He said the X-ray revealed what looked like dirt inside, but they couldn’t be sure there was no black powder left, so the crew detonated it on site, using explosives they had brought.

Xenia City Manager Jim Percival said the grenade came out of a machine used to vacuum the sewers.  “You get a little bit of everything there,” Percival said. “Nothing that comes through the sewers would surprise me.”  Read the entire Grenade Article by Staff Writer Jeremy P Kelly here.

Now when I was in the tenth grade we flushed some cherry bombs down the commode at the local high school, but this takes it to a whole new level. “If you are in the Dayton, Xenia area of Ohio, I would check the stool before I sit down.”

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