Sunny Side UP

I am a little tardy posting today, with the holiday’s and all, life has become somewhat hectic here lately.  Weather moved in and it got much colder, my old bones are a creaking in the night wind, and I am slow in the mornings.  Have a little hitch in my giddy-up and I am finding parts of my body are waking up at different times.

A lot of discussion this week about the lunar event, where the moon got in the way of the sun, or it entered into the earth’s shadow, or something like that happened.  I did not see it, it was not for lack of clear sky, we had an open sky that night as I remember, it was just that I missed it.  I used to say I got stoned and I  missed it, but the truth of the matter is, “I just didn’t give it a lot of attention.”  They tell me that briefly the moon turned red as it eclipsed.  I have heard the expression “once in a blue moon” but sadly never heard anything about a red one.

So my thoughts this morning, as scattered and fragmented as they might be, are on the heaven’s, celestial bodies.

Space the final frontier … Uh very funny Scotty … Now beam down our clothes!

A Spanish woman has  filed papers staking an official legal claim to the sun.  Angeles Duran, 49 years old, states in notarized documents she is now the official “owner of the sun, a star of spectral type G2, located in the center of the solar system, at an average distance from Earth of about 149,600,000 kilometers.

Duran now wants to impose a reasonable fee for usage of the sun’s rays, with proceeds split between the Spanish governfment, the worlds’ poor, and herself.  “Anyone else could have done it,” says Duran.  “It simply occurred to me first.”

At first I thought this is ridiculous, then I got to thinking about all those people in Washington DC our elected hodge-podge of nimrods, who are so far in the dark, they need sunlight pumped into them each day.  If they had thought of this first, instead of Ms. Duran we would all be paying some kind of new sunlight tax.

She has for most intents and purposes saved our bacon here in the United States.

God Bless Angeles Duran.

OOO

Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.


Territorial Loons …

I don’t do windows … A strange invention. Clear Tech self-cleaning glass. The glass is coated with titanium dioxide, which is photo-catalytic, meaning that it has a chemical reaction to light. When sunlight hits the glass, it breaks down material on the window into smaller and smaller particles. The coating is also hydrophilic, meaning that rainwater won’t form droplets on the glass … it forms as an even sheet that flows down the window, taking dirt away with it. (If it doesn’t rain often enough, I suppose you would have to hose it down every now and then) Japan’s Nippon sheet Glass Company began test-marketing the glass for large office buildings and airports, but they were soon overrun with requests from individual customers, so now it is made for homes too.

Better late than never … Utah begins phasing out highway signs that refer to the 2002 Winter Olympics. New signs will feature geographically specific images, such as Zion National Park and Lake Powell.

More Loons … Laconia New Hampshire is reporting that a census of the state’s loons showed a slight increase in the population, but a decrease in population. Yes, you read that right. Didn’t make sense to me either. The Loon Preservation Committee, (not to be confused with the Republican Party … The Grand Old Party that is somewhat short of fresh faces), surveyed 119 lakes and found the number of territorial pairs of loons increased from last years count, 125 chicks were hatched, but unfortunately only 95 actually survived.

The Loon Count from Minneapolis-St Paul isn’t in, but I am sure that the number of “matched territorial pairs” has increased from four years ago.

Dirty Money … Americans are now the biggest cocaine users in the world. This is the conclusion of a study of paper currency from nations around the world, which found MORE cocaine residue on U.S. Dollars than on currency from such countries as Spain, Canada, and England. The cocaine is passed onto the bills by the same fingers that directly touch the drugs or the wrappings.

Some coke users also use rolled bills as straws to sniff the drug (usually a hundred dollar bill, if you are classy dude) and cocaine is not the only substance that you will find on the money.  It appears money also has some other nasty stuff on it.

Also included in the study was the $1 bill which usually circulate for about 12 months on average, and they show traces of E.coli and other disease-causing bacteria. Might think about this the next time you stick a wad of money in your mouth, while searching for your car keys in the other pocket.

Big Payday … Thanks to high oil prices, the member countries of OPEC cartel collected $645 billion in revenue in the first six months of this year, that is DOUBLE their combined incomes for the entire year of 2007. Meanwhile, the U.S. Economy still continues to erode. The Mafia in New York City is rumored to have cut off five Federal Judges.

Things are not improving …….

Ethanol … The EPA won’t back down. A coalition of environmentalists and oil companies had requested a suspension of the governments demand that 9 billion gallons of Ethanol be added to the nation’s oil supplies. Reasoning that the increase in corn production is hurting wildlife habitat and consumers while failing to cut greenhouse-gas emissions. The EPA said that the Ethanol requirement didn’t cause “severe economic harm.”

Which is in total compliance with the Bush administrations policies concerning the planet. The current administration continues to monitor the situation with an attitude of outright venality  Which is basically summed up as the governments’ abuse of Human Rights is only exceeded by its destruction of the environment.  If you are hungry … tough. If you are a frog … even worse.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.  2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.  If it’s the bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

“He’s gonna run for Congress.”

000

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: No group of people have worse hairstyles than men in Government.”

Homeland Insecurity

Homeland (I want to put my hand in your bra) Security Workers at the Airport caught some kid trying to smuggle some fireworks out on a jet today bound for Fresno, California.  Heightened security now prevails and we are currently at level six which is blue or kind of off green color, I am not sure.  We sure do take this to extremes anymore don’t we? 

As we always strive to bring you the sublime and the ridiculous.  Get this.  Law Enforcement Agencies and unions are all up in a tizzy, because the new “badges” the screeners are now wearing just released by the government.  They claim it makes them look like they are “law enforcement officers” and not just security personnel. 

When was the last time someone ran you down with an electronic wand and wrote you a ticket? 

Speaking of tickets. (Nice blend eh?)  A few of my newly retired people frequently ask me, as a retired person, what I do to make my days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.  I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a ‘doughnut eating Nazi.’  He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.  So I called him a ‘flat-footed oinker.’

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he wrote a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.  Personally, I didn’t care.  I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said ‘Obama in ’08.’

 

I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.  It’s important to my health.   

Now before you write me a ton of Emails, I didn’t really do that, a friend sent it to me yesterday and I found it humorous and wanted to include it in here today.  I am a law abiding, honest, truth telling, always pay my taxes, give to the American Red Cross, fine specimen of a human being.

O’Bammer did say that he was ready to bring the troops home, and I am all for that, I have been all for that for about, let’s see, about five years now.  It is not easy living in this big old world of hate and turmoil, especially if all your guardians are not in this country, but rather in someone else’s backyard, and there is no one here to protect you.  Some folks have become so downright comfortable with occupation forces; they are offering to sell their arms and listing them as “only been dropped one time” in the ads.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.  Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise in scaredy-cat levels was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms.  So now, the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

000

 

Dream Weaver

 

 

 

 Meanwhile back at the cave:

 

“Wait.  What did you say?…You’re predicting $4 a gallon gasoline?  … I hadn’t heard that.”

George W. Bush

 

‘My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you’ll join with me as we try to change it.’
 Barack Obama

 

“Huh?  Whatzat?”

John McClain

 

Have not been sleeping all that good here lately, so I did a little research on sleep and the dream state, the human body and all that good stuff.  Just finished this article on dreams and what they mean to tell you in the quiet moments of the night. 

 

For instance, If your teeth fall out or crumble, you’re unhappy with your physical appearance and it may also mean you’re excessively concerned about how others perceive you. 

 

If you’re giving birth, great change is unfolding.  Dreaming about babies indicates a desire to behave more maturely.  If you can fly, you’ve just conquered a stressful situation.  If you dream that you’re able to control where you fly, it’s a sign of confidence.  Flying aimlessly suggests you’re cautiously optimistic about your success.  Last night I dreamed I was naked as the day is long and I was slowly backing into a greasy, cold brass door knob ….. No telling on that one huh?

 

Fish and chips with attitude.  Police arrested a longtime restaurant owner in Acworth, Georgia for selling more than seafood out of his establishment.  Investigators said they found a pound of marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, ecstasy, five guns and 10 mason jars of moonshine.  And you guys thought all them boys in Alabama had all the fun? 

 

Check please. 

 

Raining here today, a little moisture and that is good.  I am listening to the rain rattle on the carport and the sound gives me the urge to go to the bathroom.  I noticed that the sound of running water will frequently do that to me, asked my neighbor the same thing, “Does the sound of running water affect you?” and he said, “Nope, don’t do a thing for me, I am as regular as clockwork, go every morning at 7:30 a.m. on the dot.”  I said, “Well that is amazing, just like clockwork huh, 7:30 a.m. every morning, right on the money?” and he said, “Yeppers.  Only thing is I don’t get up until 8:15 am or so.”

 

Big surprise here. 

 

Efforts to tax oil companies dies in the Senate this week ….. Now there is a major yawner there boys & girls?  Who would have ever “thunk thet?”  Oil protests in other countries this week too.  Hong Kong, Nepal, India …  people got out and marched in the streets to protest (notice they were not driving anything, so much for the India is using more of the world’s oil rumor huh?) and the Spanish are now reported to be stockpiling the stuff.  Fearing shortages by striking truck drivers which have also got the Portuguese to join, people are starting to protest the high price of fuel worldwide now.

 

AAA Auto Association is now reporting more people are being towed under Emergency Situations.  Meanwhile in Detroit, GM and Ford are furiously designing a totally new gas gauge for the 2009 model year, with an additional “F” in it.  This will be located just below empty for the convenience of the American consumer who seems to be preoccupied on running on fumes.

 

Rock Hill, South Carolina has had enough of “displays of enthusiasm at high school graduations” and has asked the local police to arrest anyone who is applauding at ceremonies.  I am not making this up. 

 

If you clap, they are hauling you off to the slammer.  Seven people were arrested by police and charged with public disorderly conduct after being accused of cheering during a recent graduation ceremony. 

 

The nerve of these people, actually cheering a graduating senior, are they out of their minds.  Don’t they know that it is illegal to pray before a football game in Texas, what were they thinking.  I suppose these portable Co2 boat horns are out of the question huh?

 

So who is it gonna be? 

 

Everyone is trying to outguess each other on who the Vice Presidential candidates will be.  Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, Batman and Robin, Sonny & Cher no longer an option, Tony Orlando and Dawn, no wait that is a three-some. 

 

America is fresh out of hero’s.  I seriously wrack my brain, and I just cannot figure out a dynamic duo for this election that is apparently taking forever to get over with.  Locating suitable replacements for our current leadership is presenting a problem it seems  It is going to be hard to replace “Biggy Rat and Itchy Brother” they have endeared themselves to us so much over the years.

 

Taking into consideration how much faith the average voter has in the system, we don’t really search out the people with the ability to lead.  When you look back on the presidents of the past, it is kind of disappointing to see how many lack-luster, less than great, presidents we have had.  We have had in the past, good ones, bad ones, mediocre ones and the one we have now.

 

He makes me smile … Just this week he announced “I have done about all I can for the American Economy.”  Yup … sure have, that dog aint gonna hunt either Dubya.

 

So I had this dream, and I am up in the air, slowly circling the Washington monument in D.C., and I can see and hear God speaking to me, around and around this ancient monolith I soar, and it is as if I have been circling for a thousand years and I still do not know if I am a Falcon, a Hawk or just a plain old Oklahoma Rock Dove (Pigeon), and I hear the rain on the carport …  and …. Uh oh.

 

000