Hangin In The Wind

“In San Francisco they are really starting to get peeved at everyone “letting it all hang out” in certain area’s of the city.”

This is the time of the year, when you go out to the garage and grab a six pack of Snapple for the refrigerator, and it is already room temperature.  The cold water faucet is actually putting out cold water, and it is no longer just tepid.  When you spy a huge pile of leaves on the driveway and not a wisp of wind to move them out of the way.

This is also the time of the year, when I start making a list, and no, it is not all those folks who are naughty and nice, it is a list of commercials that I do not like.  One blessing this year, is they seem to be plentiful.  For example:  The Santa Claus commercial where he is down in the back, so we are to leave little packets of Alieve for him around the house.

Give me a break.

If you show me a commercial, make it a Dodge Truck commercial, the special effects are out of this world, and come to think of it, most of what you see could be possible if you live in California.  It could be too much Aleve or something, but it is getting weird in Frisco again.

In San Francisco they are really starting to get peeved at everyone “letting it all hang out” in certain area’s of the city.  Instead of putting all of their Christmas gifts in a sock, they are wanting someone to put a sock over “it” and stop displaying “it” in public.

Supervisor Scott Wiener’s proposal would make it illegal for a person over the age of 5 to “expose his or her genitals, perineum or anal region on any public street, sidewalk, street median, parklet or plaza” or while using public transit.

Eeeeee-Uwe.  Civilized people just do not do that.

I am really glad I live in Oklahoma, the only thing that even comes remotely close to that around here is hanging a pair of simulated bulls testicles from the rear bumper of your Dodge truck (by the way, they are wanting to make “it” illegal here too).

T’is the time to be jolly, especially if you work for the U.S. Government.

Nice big fat paydays working for Uncle Sam.  I just read an interesting piece of information on what some of these people are pulling down for yearly salaries and it is an eye-opener.  If you want to see the details, remember, they say “it is always in the details.”  Here is the link:    If this doesn’t get you in a “Holiday Sprit” I don’t know what will.

After you read it, take two Aleve and then call me on Friday.

OOO

A Note From Joey

Email of the Week: 

Don’t understand the “jamokes” that write and/or add stuff to our “daily rag” here in Stockton, but this’n caught my eye this a.m. regarding your “fly-over” state.

Seems that ol’ Texas had been bragging that THEY had the hottest temperatures here recently, but NOTSOFAST says the bubble headed blonde weather person in Oklahoma !  It seems that y’all beat ’em out by afew degrees, and alas, our daily rag failed to add the numbers into the article!!!

Joey

We were hotter than Texas if anyone cares.

In case you are interested here is the link.

Heat really isn’t news around here, happens every year, in August it will get so hot that the asphalt will start to melt and that is no exaggeration.  They are predicting that this year will be a banner year as far as the heat is concerned.  So it appears that we are in for another one.

All of the Purple Martins showed up late this year, they mated, taught the youngsters how to hunt and fly, and have now departed.  Last year they were here until the 13th of July, this year, they are all gone by the first of June.  Once again, Mother Nature is telling us something, all you have to do is “tune in” and it is right there in front of your face.

Really do not know what to write about this morning.

I could briefly touch on this guy, where was it, South Florida?  Anywho, he killed this guy and then ate him!  Whooooie, scratch off South Florida off that vacation getaway list quickie pronto.  Wonder if McDonalds is serving a “Happy To Be Alive Meal” there?

It is really anyone’s guess in this country any more, things are getting so bad in Detroit for instance that they are even killing the fish.  They have no suspects, and those in charge are saying that “it is a naturally occurring process in nature.”  Never mind the sixty top floaters in the one tank, the empty gallon bottle of Clorox and the crystal clear water.

How about the young mummy who put her five week old baby on the roof of the car in a baby seat and then drove off with the tot on her roof.  Clearly this was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  “Honey have you seen our baby?”

This is week #2 since I made a abrupt exit from another website where they want it one way but demand that it be just the opposite.  It literally amazes me the length and breadth that some people on the Internet will go to in order to enforce their version of the truth in order to win.  It is times such as this, that the internet, trolls, websites with over-active moderators really suck.

The other thing that amazes me is the fact that they are doing battle over basically nothing, trivial unimportant matters and ideals.  Hard fought battles for ownership of typically infertile ground  … Where is the winner in that?

What seems to get me is somehow it is always a twisted version of so-called truth that is served up for me to eat, and I always find it somewhat unsavory or appealing.

Like Nicholson says in the movie … “A Few Good Men” … The truth?  You can’t stand the truth, you don’t want the truth!”

So, like the gentleman that I am, gave them a piece of my mind, and then I just packed up and walked away.  Put a filter on their spam notices and looking back on it all, it has been a quiet, good two weeks, I should have done this a long time ago.

Just checked Saturday’s lotto tickets, no winners, hell, not even close.  It would be nice to just “be close” one time, but no such luck.  Looks like y’all (Okie talk) are stuck with me for a few more weeks I am afraid.  I am surely not complaining, don’t get me wrong, it could get a lot worse.

So Joey, that is the news from the Fly Over State, Oklahoma … Home of the OU Sooners, bad roads, and really big women!

Here is the news from your side of the country.

Ugly-ass coyote pups have been born in Golden Gate Park, this increases the total animal population to what, 13?  The local homeless on the other hand, are not happy, and are demanding protection, and of course barbecue sauce.  Here is the link pard, I am outta here.  Once again, thanks for your comments, you write good comments.

See you at the water cooler …..

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of AmericanProgress.org

[#1267]

Had To Happen

Bought my fuel yesterday and it came to $79.02 which of course “shocked me somewhat.”  I have to admit, I was not ready for that, later on during the trip to town I amused myself by imagining that “I am only steps away from a one-hundred dollar tankful.”  Who in their wildest dreams would have ever imagined such a thing.  Certainly … not me.

smiling ladies

Some things and I suppose, people, age well.  Some things I suppose, like people, just get old.  Get cantankerous, out of sorts, and hard to deal with.  I often fall into that second category.  I didn’t fare all that well last week in the smile department, but this week, I am going to do better.  I am going to make a “concentrated effort to smile more, amuse myself, cheer up even if it kills me.”

This past week I have been suffering thru irritable male syndrome.  My testosterone levels have been lower than a New Orleans levy at flood stage and my brain, the part of my brain that is in charge of basic’s such as functioning, emotions, behavior, have been strangely out to lunch for most of the week.

The mere thought of me smiling about anything here lately, is as foreign to me as Obama speaking in Farsi when he begs for more oil.  I desperately want to smile, just isn’t all that much of a humorous nature here lately.  But I am gonna do better.

I have made up my mind that I AM GOING TO GO FOR IT!

Perhaps I need to get more sleep, that might be the problem.  I am finding out as I age, I need at least 8 hours of sleep a day, and 10 hours at night.  Sleep is the best thing, and the cheapest thing available to me these days.  I love to sleep, the best of two worlds, you get to be alive and unconscious at the same time.  And on some days, you can actually work in a nap.

That makes me smile.

It is not easy to say exactly what makes one box of odds and ends a valuable antique, and what makes another box a piece of junk.   But the thought of tossing one (out of our garage, which is full of the trash of man) into a dumpster …. That makes me smile.  It might be that throwing stuff away that is cluttering up your home is a cathartic experience that just feels good.  That too, makes me smile.

The mere thought of it upsetting the little woman’s applecart, that is just an added bonus … Hey, we are on a roll.

Not being able to yell out “Oh boy!” in Jonesboro, Georgia, or finding out that unrestrained giggling on the street is illegal in Helena, Montana; those insane laws make me smile.  It is illegal in the state of Oklahoma to tie your ass up within 50 ft of a courthouse, ass meaning donkey.  Which would be appropriate term for anyone drafting such legislation or allowing it to remain on the books.  Purchasing a new car for thousands of dollars in order to save hundreds on gas … that makes me smile.

When they announce on the news that they have busted some hooker and she has a black book that is full of politicians names …… that makes me smile.

Reading in the paper that the longest earthworm ever found in the world measured 22 ft. from head to toe, that makes me smile, I mean, where would one ever use stupid useless information like that?  Did you know that the word Mascara, a cosmetic applied to darken eyelashes comes from the Spanish word ma’scara, which in terms come from the Italian maschera, both of which mean, appropriately, “mask.”  The root of the words however come for Arabic maskharah, which means buffoon or clown.

Which is what I would be if I lived in San Francisco and used the stuff, that makes me smile.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have all the answers, and ninety percent of the time, I completely forget the questions.  My family physician told me that I have something he called Attention Deficit Disorder.  He said, “A.D.D. is a complex disorder, blah, blah, blah.”  I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of it.

This friend of mine, who happens to be from California, is back here to visit with the family.  We went out to eat yesterday and he said during lunch, “If you were to go camping out in the woods, and someone, late at night, snuck into your tent and molested you would you tell anyone about it?” And I thought about it a minute, and replied, “No way.  I don’t want no one to know something that terrible happened to me!” He smiled and then said ……… “You wanna go fishin’ this weekend?” ….

That … Makes me smile.

So as you can see, I am just about clueless.  Happy and stupid this morning, pour me another cup of that coffee and don’t worry about my road rage, I will take care of it. I don’t have any idea what makes some people smile and others to frown.  I don’t know why some people consistently have a “nice day” and others never seem to see it materialize.

This morning, at this very moment, I am smiling a great deal, because the computers’ ISP is down, the stoooopid computer doesn’t know this, and it keeps trying to update me, download me, and is getting frustrated as all get-out (Okie Expression) because it is not being allowed to function in a rational manner.  It has sent me numerous dialogue boxes and/or messages asking  that I re-establish the link.

Mid week, I get this letter from my “friendly State Farm Agent” and it says, rather tersely, “our records indicate that your present telephone number is no longer 405- **** and that number is no longer your number.  Please inform us of your new number immediately and any other cell phone numbers that you have.”

Yeah right, I don’t “immediately” do anything for anyone, yet alone a stinking insurance company.  Tossing that into the trash bin … that makes me smile.

And last but not least.  I think about all of my Amigo’s from down south.  The mere thought of knowing I have all these wonderful people coming to this country each and everyday and they are depending on me …. Now that … Believe it or not …  That makes me smile!

OOO

A Day For Lovers

Greetings to all of you, today, this day of lovers and light hearted thought.

This must be “Forrest Gump Week” on television this week, every time I have went in there and turned it on … there he is …. Mama says life’s like a box o’ chocolates …. I never really did figure out the message in that movie, always wondered, what was it about, exactly?

One of the soundtracks in the movie is a classic 1967 song, “If you’re going to San Francisco” (don’t forget to wear some flowers in your hair) that song resonates with me now, even after all these years. It was one of those “one hit wonders” by Scott McKenzie.

Having said all that, I will move on.

If you are coming to Oklahoma and you are of the female gender, you better bring some Levi’s or Pedal Pushers.  Still a tad bit breezy here in The Heartland, spring is around the corner.

Spring is that time of the year, when a man’s heart turns toward love and new beginnings.  Where lanes are full of basil and blue skies with clouds that twirl and twirl, the young man ran to dazzle and kiss the rose lipped girls, never a heart as weary and a love so strong, as the winds of spring lifted him and carried him a long.  Under a full moon lit hill, he came to amuse and confuse the girl of his dreams, melting her heart with chocolate and sweet things.

Something hypnotic or mystic about the female of the species … Every man’s narcotic at some time in their life.

For most men, that is the drill.  Then you have this small select group, who kind of fake their way thru it all, love is okay, but not all that necessary.  “I do have the NFL” that kind of thing.  For them, the dreaded day has arrived, Valentine’s Day.  The false holiday, promoted by the chocolate companies and all those other estrogen enriched items that she uses.

As usual I haven’t a clue as to what to get her, the girl in my life, my cup cake.  I need to find something for my lover, my confidant, my parsimonious grocery shopper, the person who brings a smile to my worn worn-down face.

A face only a mother could love.

She’s my girl, my bride.  Just the other day, she looked up at me and said, “Y’know honey, we have a marriage that was made in heaven.”  I smiled my toothy smile and replied, “Isn’t that where they make thunder and lighting?”  See … If you answer with a question, they can never gain control over the conversation.

Remember that.

Now I know that some of this might sound sexist, but it isn’t, as I have said before, “I like women and sometimes they like me.”  Both of us are fairly comfortable with each other, into our sixties now, aging like a bottle of fine wine, and looking at life much differently.  For instance, we now break our Viagra in half, because she said, “I just want to cuddle.”  Which I willingly oblige.

Tell me I am not sensitive.

Maybe I can get her some of that new underwear that is being made out of WOOD.  Yes, I said wood, you are not reading it wrong.  These environmentally friendly knickers and bra’s use fibers from white pine trees.  There is no risk of splinters because the fibers are spun to create a silky-soft fabric.  Non-Toxic dyes are used to eliminate allergic reactions.  They are currently being sold in the U.K..

The material has more microscopic holes for air circulation than polyester and twice the absorbance of cotton related items.  The French designed range.  Currently being marketed in Britain is being sold by a company named “BYnature.”  It is being called g=9.8, which everyone knows is the scientific figure of the earth’s acceleration.  Almost too weird to be considered real, but it is.

I guess they would be alright until the termites or the Loggers show up!

Now see, here you are at the end of the post, and you didn’t have to do your nails, or change your favorite brand of shampoo, or worry about loose, dry skin.  Who says the Internet doesn’t perform a public service.

I have to run to town now, pick up something for the bride and possibly save my hide.  Comments section is open girls, let me have it, I do after all … deserve everything I get.

OOO

Only In America

pig

My wife is Chinese, she was born in Taipei, Taiwan and moved to the United States in 1973.  When she came to this country she did NOT speak one word of English.  She spoke what I called “Pigeon English” a word here and there, this and that, but nothing that was fluent.  She learned English the hard way, sitting in the living room and watching Sesame Street with our boys, Big Bird and the Letters.

Over the years she has become quite fluent in the language, she taught herself to read, learned “Hooked on Phonics” and has computer programs to hone and increase her word skills.  She speaks a total of five different dialectics.

In other words, “she knows Karate and a whole bunch of other Chinese words! I am immensely proud of her … Like the commercials are fond of saying …. “Baby, you’ve come a long ways.”  By the way, she says “English is easy … You just make it up as you go along!

So don’t give me this guff about Mexicans not being able to pick it up, or some Cuban that has lived in Miami for 25 years and needs an interrupter on the news in order to be understood.  It is all crap, if you want to live in this country, and you want to blend in, you learn English.

It is not our problem because you are too lazy to try and we should not have to print it up for you so you can get by.  Now I realize this isn’t making me any friends, but hear me out.

Cup Cake is also a U.S. Naturalized Citizen and she votes.  She went through the entire process, history, politics’, took the test, swore the oath and was indoctrinated into the American way of life, and the day we went down and watched her swear in, was one of the best days of my life.

Many a night we spent at the kitchen table with the books, learning what it is to be an American.  The Constitution The Legislative Branch, Congress, the fifty-states … All of it, one day at a time.

On one family vacation years ago, we found ourselves in San Francisco, California.  Before the oil whores shut us down we were able to take the boys and leave Oklahoma during the summer and show them the finer things in America.  One summer we were in San Francisco, and we spent the afternoon in Golden Gate Park.  They have a fantastic zoo there, aquarium, Japanese Tea Garden; you can get lost there, spend the entire day and never see it all.

As it is with most families around lunch time we started to get hungry.

I spied a Hot Dog stand and suggested that we all get a dog and some cokes.  We trotted over there, and when we got up to the stand I noticed a “oriental looking” guy behind the counter who appeared to be in charge.  Cup Cake looked up at him and in English said, “We would like four hot dogs and three cokes, one Dr. Pepper.”

Then something I consider very strange happened.

The operator of the hot dog stand (what we refer privately refer to as “cousins”) said to her in Chinese … ##@#!~%%*# (I don’t speak Chinese sorry) … and repeated the order back to her in that language.  So Cup Cake said back to him, in English, “Yes, three dogs, three cokes, and one Dr. Pepper.”

Again the cousin says to her ##@#!~%%*#- ##@#!- and she says, “Yeah right, everything on them.”  He then says, ##@#!~%%*# she again, answers in English.  The order is then filled; we retire to a couple of benches to enjoy our lunch.  While we are sitting there I look at her and say, “Baby, can I ask you something?

So she says to me, “Yeah?

I noticed when you were ordering all that, and the cousin answered you in Chinese, you always answered him back in English.  Why did you do that?

She smiled that smile that I have grown very accustomed to and said, “This is America, WE speak English, he can speak English too.

Home grown and proud, that’s my girl.  Believe it or not … You have a choice in the matter.  It is still fashionable to be an American in this country.  Just ask my wife, she’ll gladly tell you.

Only In America

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Another Crap Sandwich

Bad Diet.

We are being fed one crap sandwich after another, and unfortunately, it appears that from here on out, it is crap sandwiches as far as the eye can see. Secretary of the Treasury Paulson says the U.S. Economy is not out of the woods, and in for some more tough sledding. This naturally occurs when you a hire a fox to watch the chicken house as they say in rural America.  Things are so bad, Mexico is considering building their own fence to keep out Wall Street Brokers, financial advisory personnel and stock brokerage workers.

Naked Gnomes of Finance.

With the titan’s of finance standing humbled and broken amongst us, no hero’s on the horizon to turn to. Having invested lavishly in financial instruments neither they, nor virtually anyone else truly understood, the entire house of cards came tumbling down in a matter of weeks. When we looked for all those people “that ran on a platform of LEADERSHIP all we found were a bunch of bickering, fighting children” talking ideologies and hurling blame and hurt feelings, but offering little in the way of solutions. That right there, is enough to throw water on any good ol boy’s parade. To feed ‘em their own words … That is Priceless.

Professionals at work.

See how Congress has modified the Paulson Plan.  Originally 2 pages, now 451+ pages.  This excerpt shows an important addition (perhaps omitted due to an oversight by Secretary Paulson), that illustrates an important aspect of our political regime.  All the hogs rushed to the trough and this is what they added.

Change The Logo

It is fairly easy to be a Politically Correct Liberal in America, especially when you live in a gated community. The Republican Party should change their national emblem from an elephant to a prophylactic, because it stands for inflation, halts production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a false sense of security when one is being screwed. Assuming that either the left win or the right wing gains control of the country, it will probably just fly around in circles and of course, passing out worthless checks.

Backyard gardening, now you can grow your own.

Health food stores are experiencing a rush in Italy as researchers isolated an erection inducing plant compound in a widely sold Chinese Herb know as “Horny Goat Weed” (No, I am not making this up) the compound icarin, may be as effective as Viagra, they are saying. We have “medical marijuana” why not grow something useful right next to it, if you find yourself watering for more than four hours, call a physician.

Times are really getting bad now.

Playboy is laying off bunnies, but there is a bright side, think of all the money Hugh Hefner will save on batteries! And the world economy continues to take more casualties.  This morning I read where one of my overseas friends is getting down and it takes one more casualty.

Take care … Things will get better … I hope.

Don’t be a victim Jen, be a cheer leader!

Like my sainted Grandmother used to say ….. Look for the Rainbow Donnie … There is always a good side. As Michael Beaudet of Key West, Florida said after being rescued from his disabled sail boat after being adrift for some six days: “First the rum ran out, the cigarettes ran out, then the food ran out, and then the water was gone. Thank God for the rain!”

Sign of the times

Highway authorities throughout the country are being bedeviled by thieves who keep stealing highway markers bearing the numbers “666” or “66.6.” In New Jersey at least four such signs have been swiped, either by religious zealots who are upset with the numbers’ biblical association with the devil, or by young people who think it is cool to have a 666 sign in their bedrooms. Officials are countering with changing the route to 665.

Pass me the Salsa and some of them chips.

Within a decade, Mexico will catch up to the U.S. to become one of the worlds fattest nations, the Mexican government announced this week. Already, half of Mexicans are overweight and obesity among children is rising steadily. New cases of high blood pressure and diabetes have increased more than 25% over the past five years.

Low class act.

Adran Ghalib, the paparazzo who dated Britney Spears during her long downward spiral is peddling a two-hour sex tape of the singer, in which she performs wearing nothing by a pink wig. He said he is “open to the best offer” but … get this … Is too much of a gentleman to reveal any embarrassing information about his ex. I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney. Talk about a bottom-feeder this has to be him.

Isolate the problem.

During Gov. Sarah Palin’s (R-AK) speech in Florida this morning, campaign staffers kept the press locked out of the park and away from supporters attending the speech. Constantly under the watchful eyes of security, the media wasn’t permitted to wander around inside Coachman Park to talk to Sarah Palin supporters. When reporters tried to leave the designated press area and head toward the bleachers where the crowd was seated, an escort would dart out of nowhere and confront him or her and say, “Can I help you?” and turn the person around.

When one reporter asked an escort, who would not give her name, why the press wasn’t allowed to mingle, she said that in the past, negative things had been written. The campaign wanted to avoid that possibility Monday. Palin has still yet to give a single press conference since being tapped as Sen. John McCain’s running mate on August 29.

Where the **** are we?

Speaking at a San Francisco fundraiser on Sunday, Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) “fumbled” while praising U.S. soldiers in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, referring to Afghanistan as a “neighboring country”: “They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan,” she told several hundred supporters at a fund raising event in San Francisco. Afghanistan borders neither the United States nor Iraq.

Asian geography appears equally difficult for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), who has discussed an imaginary Iraq-Pakistan border. Perhaps they took Geography 101 at the Michael Jackson School located in Never-Never-land-California (an ideal or imaginary place).

Here is a real eye opener.

If you want to read something really interesting on McSame here is the link. It is rather long, but well worth the read, it is supposed to be published in Rolling Stone next month. You can find all 11,000 words of it here. Make Believe Maverick It might change your mind and it might not.

Middle of the week for a five-day wage slave in Oklahoma.

We now we see that money will buy you a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. Lately I find it hard to be happy, upbeat, truly amusing. Early in the morning and I am fresh out of aphorisms to describe the pain I feel. I don’t have a short, pointed sentence to express a wise observation or a general truth, I just have this.

So, as the bantering and bickering continue, one fact remains constant, from a political standpoint, we are not getting much better than what we have had, geographically speaking they really seem to be lost as a goose.  It looks like four more years of the same.

And if that is the case, Lord help us!

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