Musak Munday … K.T. Oslin – Come Next Monday

Musak Munday … KT Oslin … How To Be Happy in Under 425 words.

Let’s face facts folks, “I am just too good looking for my height.”  There I said it … I feel much, much better.  That rumor has been floating around for quite sometime, and the fact is, “it is true.” 

The reason I know it is true, I am the one who is spreading it. 

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Excuse me, but some of us, would just like you to keep it to yourself.

What is it about the Internet that compels people to trot out every aspect of their totally rancid lives and share it with complete strangers?  Why is it some folks feel compelled to share every waking moment, each minute detail of their feckless existence with people they do not even know.  I just don’t understand that one at all.  Last year,  I lost two people in my life that were important, they were instrumental in my day to day existence and always there when I needed them.  One died of a massive heart attack and the other of pancreatic cancer.

I miss them both dearly, they have created a void in my heart that cannot possibly be replaced or filled.

But I did not go on the net and vocally urge people to rush out for heart checkups, or cancer treatments.  I did not appoint myself a Social Champion or protector of the masses concerning these two ailments so common to man.   If you are somewhat troubled, or greatly concerned about your loved one or friend who is ill, then why aren’t you sending PRIVATE EMAILS to everyone in your address book about it?  Why the apparent need to go public, as if all the rest of us have been living under a rock somewhere and were totally unaware of this particular ailment or condition?  Some things clearly have a place on the net and some things don’t …  But that is just my take on it.

Oh well, I have vented, perhaps it is time for me to shut up.  If I live to be 100 years old, I will never understand why people do these strange quirky things, is it for the common good or is it some kind of lame attention getter perpetrated on a captive audience of people who could care less.

So there you go … You heard it on the Internet … So it has to be true.

Here is another candidate for the Creative Endeavors Stinker of the Year award …  From time to time, people send me stuff and it just amazes me how some folks can be so gullible or buy into a lot of this “Internet Information pass it on garbage.”  The last time I got something so foolish as this  it was on the Mayan Calendar or the Aztec Right of the Sun or How to get rid of dry itchy skin or some other thing.  Clearly this is just another example of “electronic junk mail” being passed around, you be the judge.

 


Keep an Eye on your license plate.
From a State Office:

Pass it on to those you know. Thanks.

A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called  the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas. Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have “your” license plate # and you could be in trouble  for  “pump and run.” Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a  report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate! Make sure you always know it’s there! When the license plate is reported as the  “drive off vehicle”, it’s YOU they contact! Be aware!!!! Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if the plates are there or not.

Please note it does not say which “state office” kind of vague on that.  Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have for about two years now, been required or forced “to pay up front first” for motor fuel or I simply did not get any.  I cannot for the life of me, at these prices, even imagine someone allowing you to pump first and pay later.  My last tank was well over $80 and I had gas in the sucker when I drove in there.

Freely I admit, moving to the country has its benefits, I now do not have to pay first, they know me, I am one of the tribe, I get to pump as much as I want and no one requires me to pay first.  Another thing that tends to make me believe all of this is just another internet bogus rumor would be credit cards, most gasoline purchases are with credit cards, and those as we all know, are just pretty hard to beat (cheat).

Pump and then pay is now long gone sports-fans … That like cheap gasoline … Is now a thing of the past …

It just aint gonna happen.

That is what makes this email laughable at best.  Kind of pathetic.Instead of “checking your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate.”  Perhaps it should be “check your brain to see if you still have one.”

Most American’s in this day and age generally speaking are aware of who is rippin’ off who at the gas pumps … Here is a little clue … They don’t require your stolen tag in order to do it.

Pass that on … to everyone you know … and I suppose, don’t know.  Where do people get this —-  One reason I seldom “pass anything on” when I get it, I just don’t want to look just plain stoooopid when it comes back to me.  Stick a little red pin in the map, another urban legend (half truth) has been exposed for what it is … Bogus.

Wednesday, hang in there, you almost have it made.

OOO

 

Cartoon courtesy of American Progress Online.

The Great Pretender

mailboxReceived three disturbing emails this week, which isn’t a record of any kind really, but never the less, I could have lived without all three of them it seems to me.

#1) Was a picture of Nancy’s breasts I took last Saturday, sent to me from their I-Phone.

#2) Was one telling me that my webpage and I personally … Sucked.  To which I quickly hit “reply” and typed “thanks Mom, see you for dinner on Sunday.”

#3) Was some kind of new worm virus or computer thing supposed to hit on April 1st (how appropriate is that I ask you?)

More?  Sure why not.

A Republican cure for constipation (you don’t want to know) Obama racial slur humor (4), common cures for household ailments (I mean, who gets a snakebite at home?).  Modern technology on the move.  A Japanese robot developer has developed a new walking, talking robot with a beautiful face (see attachment).  The six figure robot can make a variety of lifelike facial expressions, and has a tiny, feminine voice.  “The very first human expression they taught her was …  I have a headache!” C’mon people … give me a break.  Another week of Chinese water torture bamboo slivers under the fingernail e-mails.

It seems when times get bad, so does the mail.

All this week, most of the content has been of a negative nature, and that at times, gets so dog-gone tiring, downright bothersome.  And predictable …. Another electronic monster is on the way to gobble up my hard drive and any unsuspecting two year old within reach of the tower.  One of the downsides of the Internet is that it reveals the gullibility of humanity.  It never fails to amaze me how some folks will just settle in for a good yarn and not even bother to wonder if it has any apparent validity or not.

Just take it on face value and then move on.

You open the box and there it is, oh my gosh, again it rears it’s ugly head … We have a new imposter in our midst.  Who could it be?  Who could it be?  Now repeat after me, “Who cares?  Who cares?”  So we click on the item, and once again, we find ourselves with an unsolicited benefactor who tells us that the truth can be had, if we truly want to know the truth, and we “pass it on to all our friends.”

Sweet Mother Of Creation, how can this magic elixir of life that is so un-seemingly unimportant (yesterday) be pried from the lips of the Gate Keeper of the Secret Internet Codes?  How can we, mere mortals in the play of life, find ourselves privy to this great (and mostly still unknown) secret of CyberSpace. (not bad 230 words, I am on a roll!)

Who among us hasn’t received an e-mail from a well-meaning friend, relative or co-worker, warning of all kinds of dangers lurking in seemingly benign places?  Warning us of some kind of “supposedly impending doom, bad thing, or trickery” on the net?  You will notice that, out of the kindness of my heart, I did not write the above sentence like this: 

“Who among us hasn’t annoyed friends, people on the net who are playing nicely and minding their own business, relatives or co-workers with embarrassing e-mail warnings of ridiculous consequences stemming from completely improbable circumstances that are obviously false on second glance?”

Having one of them epiphany things, it occurred to me that there could be a possible shortage of these types of e-mail hoaxes floating around.  And so, today very conveniently we have the opportunity to start all kinds of new rumors with this post.  We can be on the other end of the finger, and jerk the collective chain of readers but one more time.  We can take this precious time to confuse, amuse and turn each other against each other, and all of it before the 15th of April, the latest “known end to the free world scenario completion date.”

Computers make it so easy don’t they?

Now days you can just about fabricate anything if you want to (Ask Oprah and the Book of the Month Club).  All of this possible with just a few clicks, warnings, lies, horrific cautionary tales, designed to scare the bejeebers of of anyone tempted to do anything as dangerous as travel to Barbados, pump gas at twilight, talk to anyone on a municipal bus or forget to flush.  Lick an envelope, walk thru a parking lot at Home Depot, step on a crack in the sidewalk or walk under a ladder.

Still here?

Don’t look now, but your hard-drive is infected with a worm virus and unknown truth.  With a minimum of keystrokes, you can use the oldest trick in the book, “divide and conquer” become the hero of the hour.  So now it is time for me to confess, I am the imposter in your midst.  I am really Capt. Ollie South, a widely known and respected member of the Armed Forces of the U.S.A..  But I use a completely different screen name for my own protection and operate under an unsuspecting e-mail alias to protect the innocent.

Now I know for some of you, this is hard to believe, but it’s completely true.

I know for sure that something like this (an e-mail hoax) happened to an 8-year old girl from Tupelo Mississippi.  It happened while she was eating lunch at a fast food joint (aren’t your glad I didn’t say Karl’s Jr.)  Apparently, this little 8-year old girl, bought a puppy in Mexico.  Before she even knew what happened, she was charged $200,000 for a cookie recipe by clicking on an e-mail link on FaceBook.  Think about that the next time you are eating lunch at a fast food joint with someone you met on MySpace or your high school reunion site.

As with any other information that you receive from questionable sources such as this, it isn’t wise to believe everything that you have read here without questioning it or attempting to verify it in any way.  Or you can do like most of my folks do, just pass the story along to everyone you know.  Imagine how you would feel if opened up tomorrow’s newspaper and found out that someone you know was charged $200,000 for a cookie recipe.

You would feel terrible, or really bad, maybe even suicidal or depressed big time.  You might even go back to listening to Rush Limbaugh or reading the comments section of Margaret & Helen for heavens sake!

Well I see the old bottom of the page rolling up, I need to get out of here, check my mail, see what is in the box for today.  I recently sent out a mass mailing to everyone I know on my mailing list inviting them to a new meeting of a group that I founded this week.

Multiple Personalities Without Real Partners.

We are in the process of starting a citywide singles or multiples banquet on a monthly basis and want to promote it with the help of a massive internet wide e-mail circulation program. I have to go now, you see, I am in charge of the name tags, and I figure I am surely going to be up all night long, and most of the weekend, just filling them out on some of these people.

Remember, new computer worm virus hits on April One, end of the world calendars from the Mayan’s are on sale, get yours before 2012 and trust that everything that you read here, was the absolute truth.

Yours truly

Captain Ollie South

(A widely known and respected impostor of the Armed Forces of the U.S.A., who is using a completely different screen name for his own protection)

Congratulations, it is Friday … You made it!  Have a great weekend, take a few new shots of Nancy on Saturday (I am really into tan lines) and check back in with me on Monday.

OOO

Sorry Charlie

charlieReady for the latest email rumor?  Here it is, hot of the press, just came in yesterday afternoon.

Like Tuna? Here you go, follow the yellow brick road (federal gold).  Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s home district includes San Francisco.  Star-Kist Tuna’s headquarters are in San Francisco, Pelosi’s home district.

Star-Kist is owned by Del Monte Foods and is a major contributor to Pelosi. Star-Kist is the major employer in American Samoa employing 75% of the Samoan work force. Paul Pelosi, Nancy ‘s husband, owns $17 million dollars of Star-Kist stock.

Not going to fast for you am I?

In January, 2007 when the minimum wage was increased from $5.15 to $7.25, Pelosi had American Samoa exempted from the increase so Del Monte would not have to pay the higher wage. This would make Del Monte products less expensive than their competition’s.

Last week when the huge bailout bill was passed, Pelosi added an earmark to the final bill adding $33 million dollars for an ‘economic development credit in American Samoa’.

The email then goes on to say that Snopes.com backs it all up.  Sorry Charlie but SNOPES.COM does not validate this, it says it is a rumor.  And Truth or Fiction.com says there is no record of it at all.  So don’t believe everything that you read in email, no better yet, don’t believe “anything” you read in email, and certainly nothing here.

The email ends with “Why don’t we get media coverage of stories like this?” and of course the old stand-by …. Pass This On To All Of Your Friends … The sure dead give away.

We don’t get stories like this because they seem to be bogus and untrue.

(Gawd, I hate email)

OOO

I Am Not God II

Recently feeling a compelling urge to come up with a solution to this unsubstantiated report that I am God that has been floating around, I drove out west of the city, to a large hill, and I sat there and meditated, took time to survey my kingdom, which mainly consists of the Interstate Highway and lot’s of trucks.

Once again, I took time to look deep inside and determine who it is that I am.

My hum-drum life slowly unfolded before my very eyes … I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for elderly citizens.  I lay ceramic tile. I can wash a dog or groom a kid for Sunday School, have done so on one or more occasions.  Know how to trap a cat.  Move furniture and lift heavy objects.  I have never had a hole in one.  I can shift a tri-plex, duplex, 4X4, 6X4, without grinding most of the time.  I don’t cheat at cards, monopoly or trifle with other peoples women.

I got a Chiapet for Christmas and it has already went bald!

Life is good for me a starving abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless NFL bookie.  Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening-wear.  I don’t perspire.  I am a very private citizen, yet I receive copious amounts of email fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes to the “free” concerts at the zoo.  Last summer I toured all of New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration outfit.

I stand 5’10” and I weigh 200-none-of-your-business soaking wet.  I bat .375 when I am on top of my game.  Confession is good for the soul, so I have been told …. I have in my youth trifled with women — Guilty!  I have hacked off the senior sound manager of my church with complete abandon and I didn’t even have to sing — Guilty!  I don’t necessary think all Arabs are evil people — Guilty!  I cannot under any circumstance imaginable find myself liking Rap Music — Guilty!  When I was a little dinker and late at night I prayed, “I cross my heart and hope to die?” I confess, I didn’t really mean that second part … Guilty!

In my youth, I would climb electrical transmission towers just to listen to them buzz and crackle in the dark summer night.  I love my state representative in government, ol’ what’s his name?  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.  Children trust me.  Richard Simmons knew me when I weighted 350 lbs  ..  I can pump my own gas and check my own oil.  I can re-ink my own cartridges without making a huge mess of my office.  I can load the paper into the printer in under three minutes!  (Yes I can!)

I know and understand the meaning of verbose.  But often never adhere to the principle.

I can run a paper shredder, I know what Jennifer Lopez used to keep her dress on during the Grammy’s and I hit a $25 jackpot in Reno one time.  I have every Lawrence Welk record ever made, including his salute to Woodstock.  I buy cookies from the Girl Scouts and the Brownies.  Give them to my neighbors because I am not allowed to have cookies from the Girl Scouts and the Brownies.

I have been known to hurl a tennis racket with uncanny accuracy at moving objects, I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, David Copperfield and the Godfather in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dinning room table that evening.

I can locate studs behind wallboard without a stud finder!

My wife instructed me and showed me every food group in the supermarket.  I have performed several covert operations with the CIA in an attempt to locate WMD in the Cleveland area.  I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a hard backed chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.  I have eleven toes on one foot, I can swim faster than Chuck Norris, and I believe anyone who collects John Tesche albums or Barry Manilow records are wimps.  I don’t like sour cream on my baked potato’s and gravy on my sour dough biscuits.

I turn right on red lights all of the time, drive 8 miles over the posted speed limits, all of the time, I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills on my credit cards are usually paid promptly by the 15th.  On weekends, to let off steam I participate in full-contact origami.  Most of the time I cannot locate my car keys.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven.  I can eat sushi without upchucking it afterwards.  I breed prize winning clams in the creek behind my house.  I have won bullfights in San Jan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and Spelling Bees at the Kremlin.  I can operate a microwave oven and pop my own popcorn.

Often in the summer months, I will play Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis (before and after he died), I share my opinions freely and unsolicted, and spent the night at a Holiday Inn.  I know the first name of the Ice Cream Truck driver and the UPS guy.  I actually voted for Richard M. Nixon once.

I laugh, I learn, I sometimes cry.

I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich, but I would not mind smelling bad.  I have no real claim to fame.  Don’t feel the need to tell the world of my accomplishments.  No need to post my name. The highest title or accomplishment I ever achieved in life was … The title of  “Dad.”

And that was okay with me.

Fully understanding and well aware of the fact that I am not God, I just try and do my level best with all the talents and things that he has richly blessed me with.  I am also pretty sure that Oprah would find me interesting and a real hoot.  After all, “A man wrapped up in himself is a very small bundle” (Ben Franklin)  So that means I would be a good fit for her couch or Dr. Phil on any given day of the week.

Check your local listings.

000

RELATED: I Am Not God


Patience Pays Off …

I was reading this piece on Abe Lincoln the other day that I found interesting. Abe had gone out to inspect some of the troops during the Civil War and he came upon a brash young lieutenant who was visibly upset. The young officer came up to Abe and asked the President if he would read a letter that he had drafted to his superiors.

He was disturbed about how the war was going, the leadership that he had observed exhibited on the field of battle, and generally speaking, was just putting it all down on paper. It was passionate, it was heated, and it was lengthily. It was also evidence for court martial.

Lincoln read the letter, and then he looked at the young officer and said to him, “Son this is well written, you surely have pointed out all the mistakes that needed to be pointed out. You have named names, people and places, and your passion is well documented.” Now what I want you to do is sit down and write another letter to these officers. After a period of time, the young officer submitted the second letter to the president and he read it.

He looked at the young officer and said, “burn the first letter and mail this one.”

So what is the point?

The point is, “be careful about what you put down on paper in the heat of the moment, it might come back to bite you in the end.” I used to work with an old timer and his expression was, “Don’t be too quick to put it down on paper boy. A piece of paper will follow you around for the rest of your life.”

Good advice.

Yesterday I received this Email from a complete stranger, of the opposite gender. How and where she got my email address is beyond me, but there it was, low and behold in all it’s splendid glory. The subject matter was her date with a guy over the weekend, very vivid and quite interesting. So I dutifully sent her an email back stating that she might want to be more careful in the future about her email and who she was sending it to. For which, I got a vehement reply to “mind my own business and a demand from her as to who it was that gave me HER address.”

Go figure. Might have embarrassed her or something, I dunno.

What if you were an employee of a company and you sent out information compromising your current employer to another company, but by mistake, hit the publish or send button, and sent a copy to YOUR present boss. Not so cool. Sending out a traitorous email to another company is against the law, and you could possibly find yourself on the way to the county lockup.

Another email that has been circulating is this Billy Graham thing, it is a copy of a prayer he was alleged to have prayed on the Larry King Show. Here it is as I got it:

‘Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance.  We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free. Amen!’

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, ‘The Rest of the Story,’ and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called ‘One nation under God.’

If possible, please pass this prayer on to your friends. ‘If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything.’ Think about this: If you forward this prayer to everyone on your e-mail list, in less than 30 days it would be heard by the world. (It’s worth a try!)

One Nation Under God

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For the most part I agree with most of it, except for a couple of things. There are a couple of items I do not personally agree with: “We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.” No one, to my knowledge, forces poor people or rich people, to play the lottery. It is a choice; it is not something that the rest of society burdens upon folks with less income than others.

The second thing I find about it that is distasteful is it is a bald faced lie.

Summary of the eRumor: The text of a prayer said to be from Billy Graham and for the United States.  Paul Harvey allegedly aired it on his radio program and got the greatest response of anything he’s broadcast. The Truth: This prayer was not from Billy Graham but rather from a minister named Joe Wright who offered it in front of the Kansas State House in 1996. Someone simply added Billy Graham’s name to it and started circulating it in July, 2008.

(CLICK HERE for that story)

Like I said, “It might be advisable to sit back and think about it a little bit, before you hit the send button/publish button” In most cases if you say something stupid it lasts for just a short while, and is quickly forgotten. The public generally has a short memory; a piece of paper however, can follow you around the rest of your life.

000