Gone Fishin

A pig in rural China has taught himself to catch fish.  The pig’s owner, whose name is Han, says she was “amazed” when she first saw the animal wade into her fishpond and retrieve one of her tropical-fish and consume it.

The fish are left over from a breeding business that folded when the price of tropical fish declined and she is happy for the pig to get a little protein in its diet.  And she said that she is going to continue to let him dine at his leisure.

Here are some astonishing numbers for you.

American consumers in 2007 spent more than $12 billion for cosmetic surgery in this country, from 1992 to 2003, the number of breast implants increased some 675%.  But in recent months, because of the recession, the number has sharply dropped, the market has virtually collapsed along with the market for gas guzzling SUV’s jumbo mortgages and other frills.  It appears that the reallocation of income,, from boob jobs to say “food” might just signal a return to sanity in this country by the American consumer.

Another indicator of our …. Ahem …. “Sagging Economy.”

Yesterday the government announced another 50,000 American jobs went down the tubes.  53% of Americans favor passage of a $775 billion stimulus package like the Barack Obama says he will push for Congress.  I don’t believe the number would be so high if they considered the new banking bill  Obama is trying to push thru Congress is loading up with pork, and it appears that it is the same old circus, just a different set of clowns.

$400 million to NASA, millions to artists, new computers for Social Security, how does this “stimulate the economy?”  Looks like President Obama has found his dog, it is named the stimulus package.

It has gotten so bad, that American companies are now actually being forced to make “reliable products, and provide good customer service” in order to drum up business.  Unfortunately for them … there isn’t any business.  My daddy used to say to me “Son, that paycheck of yours, is burning a hole in your pocket.”  Now a days, that pocket don’t even warm up any more.

That is easy for you to say

“Simon gave me advice and said on [UK] The X Factor he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the cornflake always finds the melon and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune.” Singer Paula Abdul, during an American Idol Show.  Well, I don’t know about you, but I am glad we got that one cleared up.

Buy Yo’ Ticket Takes Yo’ Chances

Portland Oregon is offering its first raffle, with a guaranteed, $5 million dollar payout.  250K in tickets went on sale making the odds of winning one in 250K which is a long shot, but better than PowerBall (1 in 195M) and Megabucks (1 in 6 M).  More and more states are choosing the lottery outlet to meet their projected tax revenues and shortages.  Wouldn’t this be betting against the house?

Bad news for Emperor Penguins or Polar Bears

A new study released this week states categorically that “the earth’s climate will be irreversible” for at least the next 1,000 years, even after emissions of carbon dioxide are halted.  This means decreasing human water supplies, increased wildfire frequency, ecosystem change and expanding deserts on the planet.  I can just hear Al Gore in the background giggling and snickering.

Bad Cop No Donut.

A 14 year old boy in Chicago who allegedly donned a police uniform and managed to go on a traffic patrol for five hours pleaded not guilty in juvenile court to impersonating an officer.  They judge ordered the boy into custody for several weeks as he could be a threat or a danger to himself.  They said the boy didn’t have a gun, never issued tickets and didn’t drive the police car.

Call Me Sick … But this cracks me up.

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.” The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog.”

The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

He answers, “Yes, they’re using them now; they’re very good and protect me from robbers, too.” The man at the door says, “Come on in.” The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.  Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “A Chihuahua?” The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

Another Toe Tapper Comes Clean

Fallen evangelical pastor Ted Haggard said he had an “inappropriate relationship” with a male church member, but there was “no physical contact.”  What in the world does that mean?  That is like saying “the role of the lead goose is to break wind on the other geese.”  Oh well, I guess it is all water under a camel’s back.

Stop by tomorrow for I Am Not God II our second in an exciting series (yawn).  Finish each day and be done with it, you have done what you could.


It’s Not Easy Being Rich

The trouble with life is there just isn’t any background music.  Monday’s are always especially difficult, come in, sit down with a cup of Joe and then face an empty screen.  I am so envious of all those talented people who sit down and make this look like child’s play, make it appear simple.

So what do we talk about?

The up’s and down’s of oil, no one cares right now.  Politics’, I am sick of politics and my unguarded opinion is the political Gene-pool in this country, could stand a dose of Chlorine.

Last I heard they were holding a symposium on the Heartlands’ problems in some place like Chugwater, Wyoming.  Cheney was spitting euphemisms out of the side of his mouth about, I like this guy and that guy, and you should too (If you know what is good for you).

Another group meeting at which there are several speeches, often a group discussion, a collection of opinions on a subject, a short discussion.  Nothing is really resolved, and when the finger food disappears, they sneak outside for a quick smoke, fire up the bus and drive off.

I will bet you even money that the candidates are now glad to be looking at the end of all this.  Think about it … In just a few short hours, it will be over with and they can go back to “telling us the truth.”

So for a refreshing change of pace, no doom and gloom, none of this the earth is rotting like a bad cantaloupe left outside in the mid-day sun, covered in flies. Today we will talk about something different.  Let us take on the plight of those poor, often overlooked unfortunates in America these days that are experiencing hard times.

Let us talk about the rich.

You know who I am talking about here, the poor $435 lunch ticket, share the wealth bunch.  They (the rich) are not doing all that well here lately.  Did you know because of the current financial meltdown, the rich are being forced to cut back just like the rest of us?  It has gotten so dire; that I hear they have temporarily gone back to regular mustard instead of that Gray Poupon stuff.

Yes, it is true.

Affluent brides to be, in Manhattan are swapping out the $1,000 centerpiece of peonies from New Zealand for $300 Netherlands hydrangeas.  The Gordon Gekko’s types of Wall Street are now forced to purchase one $4,000 suit instead of five; things have suddenly gotten austere in the Big Apple.  Women of a certain age, who used to have the option of a complete face lift have now had to resort to Botox Injections instead, which are much, much cheaper.  Cosmetic surgery in this country is now estimated to be down as much as 50%.

America the land of opportunity, I have a degree in Liberal Arts, do you want fries with that?  We have discovered to our dismay that our “Great Spenders are also very Bad Lenders.”  Seemingly over night our philosophy has changed.  Yesterday is a cancelled check.  Today is cash on the line.  Tomorrow is a promissory note which may or may not get paidl.

Pity the poor, poor rich.

The rich have to make choices now, should I continue the lease on the Christmas Villa in the south, or just find a suitable hotel?  Will I be able to afford the subscription to Elite Traveler Magazine for the table on the Lear Jet or the Yacht this year.  Can we still afford a crew of eighteen to have at our beck and call?

They have to make untold sacrifices just like the rest of us, why they cannot even afford the full band anymore, they are resorting to DJ’s (Sorry Radio Girl) at the weddings and bar mistfah’s (sp).  Miniature cupcakes on Lucite tiers instead of the massive wedding cake.

A greatly pared down guest list, dollar pinching is everywhere!  As hard as this is to believe, “some of us might not get invited to attend at all” it has gotten that bad.

Arab and European clients are still buying $25 million yachts, but the share of sales to Americans has dropped from 80% to 50%.  Relegated to searching the boat yards for a good used 60’/80′ skiff is simply not American. The power shoppers are in the Arab Emirates, the Abdul Dubai Malls in the golden sand of the Persian Gulf.  Neiman Marcus is a bargain store in this new age of less money.  No more whole wardrobes, it is a $500 dress and make it last for the corporate executive’s wife in Houston.

Things have gotten so bad, they are more than likely switching over to the cheap Chardonnay, and I imagine we will at some time see these folks somewhere down the line, but for right now things on the other side of the coin will remain the same for us.  All of us good, honorable soldiers in the legions of the less entitled.

We will still be drinking the yucky-green-stuff, sneezy, why-in-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning NyQuil for a cheap buzz purchased at the Dollar General Store on sale.  Doing our level best to get a handle on life, with one broken handle, driving a beat up run-down fourteen year old Hoopie with a half-tank of fuel.

Now altogether …. Let’s hear it one time for the Rich In America …. Ready?

(One big collective sigh)

Now I know I feel better, I can face but one more Monday.  Which is considerably less painful than licking my fingers and searching out an electrical outlet.  I can now focus my energies on the important questions of life.  Such as:  “Is our planet the insane asylum for the Universe?”  That would be a good start for a Monday right there.