Thunder On The Plains

I was sitting and resting and talking with a friend as he passed my way.  We talked of neighbors, the weather, and the crops, of all the men who had left the farm, to work in the big city shops.  Of the girl who married the boy from out California way, the work being done on the new Intra-State Highway.  Of sickness and of health of money and things, of all this government spending the people in Washington are doing these days and all the unwanted trouble it seems to bring.

And then the rain came.

thunderstorms

It came in buckets last night, the wind was incredible and this morning, I am facing a Rocky Mountain High Sized pile of leaves in my yard.  Which is ironic, because they are not my leaves, they are the leaves of my neighbors, I have pine trees in my yard.

One thing you can count on living in Oklahoma, smack-dab in the center of the U.S.A. is that the weather is going to be terrible.  This is the only place in the continental United States where you can stand up to your rear in mud, and get dust in your eyes.

A friend of mine came out to visit us one time from California (the Sunshine State) and she saw a bird running across the road and inquired of me, “What type of bird was that?”  So jokingly I said “Bird Of Paradise” (as I did not know exactly what type of bird it was).

She laughed, and said to me, “Bit lost isn’t he?”

So it rained and it has disturbed my peace of mind.  My telephone rings and it is my neighbor and he says, “the rain has stopped, best get out your mower and take care of all them leaves.  Don’t forget to put gas in it first, and make sure the blade is attached.

Blade, it has a blade?

(Why am I always the last person to know these things?)

Over the years, men have come up with thousands of excuses for NOT doing yard work.  War, Religion, Pyramids, The United States Senate.  Finally they came up with the ultimate excuse.  Business.  My job will not allow me to do the yard work.

As much as I desire to do yard work, as much as I want a front yard devoid of leaves, as much as I want to do yard work, trimming, bagging, cutting and mowing.  As much as every fiber of my being cries out …. I WANT YARD WORK … PLEASE LET ME DO SOME YARD WORK … I just cannot find time to do it these days.

Man, has finally figured it out.

Every day after breakfast he would announce to the wife, “Well honey, I am off to my office or factory now.  I will see you later.” The man would just leave and never return until later, when supper was on the table and ready (that would be dinner for all you folks in California and the west coast, Europe and Asia, I am not sure).

He would conveniently arrive home much too late to do yard work.

It was a lot simpler when man lived in the cave, all he had to do is hunt down some food, drag it back to the cave, paint a drawing on the wall every now and then, and stay away from “primitive woman.”  Now look what we have progressed to?

Total chaos.

It was much better back then.  Primitive woman would say, “You!  How come you are not outside doing yard work?” Whereupon, me (primitive man) would say … “Hey, get off my back!  I haven’t even invented fire yet.”

So back to yard work, I would much rather spend my time this day watching anthropology studies on the PBS network than get outside and rake up the leaves of my neighbors.  I would rather get down on all fours and peck at the dirt like a chicken than do yard work.  I would spend an hour watching monkey’s pick fleas off of each other and scratch parts of their bodies usually reserved for private, than do yard work.

pammyBay Watch comes on at 3:30 PM another anthropology study where primitive-well-developed-woman runs up and down the beach wearing a stretch garment that, if not occupied by Pammy Sue, would contract to the size of a gum wrapper.

That beats raking leaves any time.

A blade?  Hmmmm, well, I’ll be dipped.

000

Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.


Just Plain Weird

A little taste of what has been going on around the country, some of it good, and some of it not so good.  For instance, I got a haircut on Friday and then went to eat.  The waitress at the beanery says to me, You don’t look good in that haircut, I don’t like it.” Geeze, now women that don’t even know me are getting ugly … What is happening in this world, anyway.

Predatory Lenders.

Little Rock – A new study said the number of payday lenders operating in Arkansas dropped by about 86% after state Attorney General Dustin McDaniel threatened legal action over their high-interest loans. Arkansans Against Abusive Payday Lending said the survey showed the number of payday lenders went from 237 in March to 33 in the most recent count. Here is visible proof that we do not need NEW LAWS all we need to do is effectively enforce the law’s already on the books. We need to eradicate these bottom-feeders who prey on the people who can least afford it. Good for Arkansas!

Are you kidding me?

A federal appeals court and Ohio‘s high court have rejected a death row inmate’s argument that he is too fat to die by lethal injection. A three-judge panel of the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Cincinnati and the Ohio Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Richard Cooey’s execution could go ahead as planned.

The 41-year-old Cooey is set to be executed Tuesday for killing two University of Akron students in 1986. Cooey’s attorneys argued that prison food and limited opportunities to exercise contributed to a weight problem that would make it difficult for the execution team to find a viable vein for lethal injection. Cooey is 5 feet, 7 inches tall and weighs 267 pounds. So what is the problem … Here’s your Kool Aid … Drink it!

News from down under.

Illegal prostitution rings masquerading as “escort services” will be targeted under changes to Queensland law. Police Minister Judy Spence today said the government would follow a recommendation from the Crime and Misconduct Commission to crack down on outcall prostitution services, which are illegal in Queensland. Ms Spence said some operators which advertised as “escort services” were actually a front for prostitution services. (Gee, no kidding.)

Under legislative changes, legitimate escort businesses will need to indicate that sexual services are not provided when advertising and when receiving phone calls from interested clients. “We want to make it more difficult for prostitution services to masquerade as social escort services and get by our tough restrictions,” she said. The offence (sp) will carry a maximum penalty of seven years imprisonment, or 14 years if the offenders are found to have been using intellectually disabled people.

So I guess if I am reading this right, the only people who avail themselves of prostitutes down under are highly-paid, intellectually disabled, over achievers?

Not So Politically Correct In Wisconsin

The University of Wisconsin-Madison has apologized to a black student who during a class last year was shown a clip of the movie “Blazing Saddles” that features racial epithets. During a workshop for working professionals last year, an instructor showed a scene of the 1974 comedy in which blacks are shown working on a railroad.

Whites call the workers racial epithets and an overseer orders them to sing like slaves. The student complained and the school’s Office of Equity and Diversity, which investigates racial discrimination, got involved, and an apology was issued. Nothing was forthcoming for the poor white students who were forced to sit all the way thru an incredibly bad movie.

Skeee-ratch this!

Arthur Watkins, 53, of Kansas City has won more than $400,000 in two Powerball drawings within a four-month period. Missouri Lottery officials said Watkins selected the Powerball numbers to win $200,000 in the Sept. 24 drawing. He matched five white-ball numbers in the May 21 game to pick up $200,000. Watkins bought both winners at the Longview Apple Market in Kansas City. I have figured out what the problem seems to be, they roll the numbers too fast on the PowerBall drawings, and they are not giving the rest of us enough time to wish on the balls.

Vote … And Vote Often … For Your Candidate of Choice

Early voting has started in some of the key states, and apparently, the democrats need some extra time getting all those dead people to the polls.  The moderator for the recent debates, who came from PBS, has a new book coming out, which is pro-Obammer.

But then again, every PBS station is pro-Obammer.

America in an election year moves on. Events and schedules are being met. And it appears that my interview for the second job as an early morning paperboy may have been accepted. (The McDonalds min-wage work until you die program, did not pay off … I am not Latino … I am after all Caucasian so therefore unemployable.)

The paper route thing fortunately is happening … I start on Thursday.

Dick Cheney has cut back on the speaking engagements, figuring that it is awful hard to get people to follow a parked car; he is strangely silent these days. It has been rumored he has been observed to be sitting in his office most of the day, oiling his shotgun and muttering something about lame ducks.

Chris Matthews has accused Sarah Palin of staring into the camera like a dolf, he said this, while staring into the camera like a dolf.  Albert Gore is now calling for “civil disobedience” on the building of new coal fired electricity plants, but this is not to include those that help pay for Lear Jets, long limo’s and huge massive square footage houses.

000

Parting shot: “All people smile in the same language.”


Pass This On

What do we talk about on this auspicious occasion, I got a full eight hours sleep last night, and I am as sharp as can be.  It has been awhile since I have slept a long, good sleep, I feel refreshed.  I DON’T HAVE THOSE WAKE UP IT’S EARLY, WASH BEHIND YOUR EARS THEY’RE DIRTY, EAT YOUR EGGS AND OATMEAL BLUES …. RISE N SHINE TIME … I REALLY FEEL LIKE I COULD GO FOR IT TODAY.

Turn on the player, and the first tune out of the box is “Brad Paisley … I would like to check you for ticks.” Hard to believe.  Who writes his lyric’s, Jeff Foxworthy?  Like most men, there are a great many things I think of during the day, concerning women, checking one for ticks, honestly, has never been one of them. 

Where do they get this stuff?

After checking my E-mail this morning I am kind of bothered.  Today’s offering concerns the U.S. and the U.N. and how the countries of the world voted against the U.S. and the amount of aid we provided for these countries that are clearly not our friends. 

(Or rather, a poorly detailed list of folks that didn’t see it our way, and voted against us) 

One listing in particular caught my eye, Pakistan.  According to this E-mail, Pakistan received $1.1 billion and some change from us this past year, and consistently voted against us.  Now, as I understand it, we provided them with 22 helicopters for this Afghanistan incursion, not to mention all this other garbage.

These helicopters must have been dirt cheap, to come in at this low-dollar figure.  And of course at the end of the E-mail, there is the obligatory statement, “If you agree with this, pass it on to all your friends.”

Uh, I don’t think so?

E-mail has to be the absolute worst source of news in the entire country, just recently I discovered quite by accident, that Bill & Hillary Clinton did not build a house in their backyard for the Secret Service and were not renting it out at an enormous cost to the taxpayers.  This pass it around stuff, really needs to be looked at, unless you want to risk the opportunity to come off as a complete fool to your family and friends. 

If you agree with any of that, please feel free to …… Pass this on to your family & friends.

Serves your right file.  From way down under, Sydney, Australia.  An unknown man grabbed a bag out of a car stopped at a stoplight.  The car belonged to Bradley McDonald, a local snake catcher.  In the bag was the snake he had just caught, a four foot long, venomous red-bellied black snake.  “It might teach him a lesson” McDonald said.  Who says there is no justice in the world?

When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help.  Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor’s roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said.

He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet.  “I’m Mr. Yosuke Nakamura,” the bird told the veterinarian, according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs.  “We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we’ve found Yosuke,” Uemura said.

The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years. But Yosuke apparently wasn’t keen on opening up to police officials. “I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely ignored me,” Uemura said.

Often people miss the entire point.  Yosuke had the right to remain silent. 

Yeah I know, pretty lame.

We have two parrots that own us, Mo & Popeye, the later being an African Grey.  He is amusing, quick to learn, and a bonafied pain the part of you that goes over the fence last.  Last year we took him on vacation with us, in a little cage, right behind me in the backseat, he rode around America in the truck. 

In two weeks that bird learned to say …….. Stooooopid! … Tell me they are not smart.  Just what everyone in life needs … A parrot with Road Rage. 

Parrots are demanding, a life long commitment.  Recently I was discussing with our oldest boy, which parrot he wanted when I died, because the birds in captivity will live upwards of 75 years.  ( In comparrison, on a good day in captivity with the little woman, I am surely not going to make that)  So I ask the kid, which bird do you want?  He thinks about it and then says to me, “Which one tastes the best with a little salt?”  Not a good day to be a parrot.

Glancing at this mornings headlines:  Oil executives are “invited to the hill” (Washington DC) to explain excessive profits.  Now there is a major snoozer there boy and girls.

  • “Where did you guys get all that money?”
  • “Uh, we found it at 15,000 ft when our rig struck a Mayonnaise jar in the Anadarko Basin in Oklahoma.”
  • “Oh, Okay, thanks for coming in … Please leave your bag of money at the door on your way out.”

Hard hitting television on PBS last night.  “Depression Out Of The Shadows” a comprehensive survey of the causes and treatments of clinical depression.  It profiled many young people of different ages and backgrounds who have problems contending with the disorder.  Covered the bases pretty good, from a CEO of a major corporation to a gang member on the streets.

Right now I seem to be riding high on the tide, and my depression is in check.  I am okay, but later on I have to purchase some gasoline for my old family truckster, check with me afterwards. 

I find that late in life, purchasing dead hydro-carbon-fossilized-organisms at a highly inflated price tends to drive me to the very brink of insanity and depresses the fizz out of me.  Perhaps it is time to increase my daily dosage of Prozac.

Clearly I need help.