A Christmas Tree 2012

(Parody of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
by Brenda Lee)

Shoppin’ around for a Christmas tree
At the grocery parking lot
Every thing over 4 foot 3
Is ‘bout hundred bucks a pop
Schlepin’ around for a Christmas tree
And I still haven’t found a thing
In a trailer I met some drunken’ guy
And we did some haggling

People get that ornamental feelin’ every year,
Mom’s and Dad’s and kids all happy
Till they get their hands all scratched and sappy

Shoppin’ around for Christmas trees
What a crappy holiday
Today they smell so fresh and green
They’ll be dead on Christmas Day

You will get that ornamental feeling every year
When you find a tree that looks real jolly,
If you turn it round, it’s as brown as Charlie’s

Choppin’ down my Christmas tree
In a true old-fashioned way
Toppin’ it off with a Spotted Owl
And make hasty get away

OOO

EMAIL OF THE WEEK: How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.  Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dos’t thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou cans’t trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).  Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”  And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that’s how the Internet began. (Al Gore didn’t have a thing to do with it at all)

OOO

Kudo’s to Art our Nevada correspondent.

Winter Wunderland

Jury is in, I stand convicted, a typical male pig.  Yes I like thongs (last week’s post) so much that often I will see a lady that “turns my head” and I will study her intently and wonder if she is wearing a thong or not?   Contrary to popular belief, it is still possible to amuse me in life, good looking women, chrome, and fast cars still row my boat … I often wonder about other things, but some things in life are best NOT said.

Now in honor of Uncle Carl, who accidentally stepped on a garden rake in the yard, and was smacked between the eyes by the handle coming upwards at a high-rate of speed and then immediately afterword, when he woke up, started talking funny and dressing in women’s clothing, today’s post:

Walkin’ ‘Round in Women’s Underwear

(Parody of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

Lacy things the wife is missin’
Didn’t ask for her permission
I’m wearing her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

In the store there’s a teddy
With little straps like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He’ll say “Are you ready?” we’ll say “Whoa, man!
Let’s wait until the wife is out of town”

Later on if you wanna
We can dress like Madonna
Put on some eye shade
And join the parade
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

Lacy things… a missin’
Didn’t ask… permission
Wearing her clothes…Silk pantyhose
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear
Walkin’ ’round in women’s underwear

Big storm heading this way, everyone find some sunshine and get in it!  Cold days a comin’.

If you need a lift and things are getting you down?  Trot yourself over to the Non Dairy Carrie Girl and play the video, crank it up loud and wake up the house!  Today is gonna be a good day, regardless of the weather … Name it … Claim it … and then find some sunshine and walk into it.

OOO

Thanks to KZOK 102.5 FM

Choo-Choo Boogie

Yesterday amongst everything I found this it was a comment on Junk Food Junkie which was a post I put up in November.

Submitted on 2011/12/14 at 3:32 am
The next time I find out a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as considerably as this 1. I necessarily mean, I do comprehend it was my choice to find out, nevertheless I seriously assumed youd have one matter appealing to say. All I hear is in fact a bunch of whining about something that you might restore any time you werent too chaotic on the lookout for focus.

Which left me with two choices, “Not Spam or Delete Permanently.”  Tough choice, which one do you suppose I took?  Note the writer (using that word loosely here of course) is up at 3:32AM and for most intents is either illiterate, stupid or severely sleep deprived.  Now here is the rub, the nail in the proverbial coffin … This Nimrod actually provided a “link” as if he expected me to link him back to whatever it was he was doing?

Now that is rich.

No problem sport … I will just keep pluggin’ away with what it is that I do (rather well) and what you seem to be struggling with.  Hang in there chump, and good luck with the spelling and grammar lessons.

I am late with my hauling … Lot’s to do this day.  The morning sun is breaking the horizon, as I am fond of saying, “I need to get crackin on all those little nuances of life that just make my day.” Congratulations you made it to another pre-Christmas week!  

MasterCard & Visa in anticipation of the rush, has raised everyone’s limits, get out there all you serious shoppers, and meet the challenge!  Take no prisoners … shop till you drop … and think of me, sitting here in my plush, leather chair, sippin’ on a sweet egg nog, laced with a little black label from Kentucky.   Reading my comments (good and bad) and smiling my toothy smile … and all warm inside.

Time to go, remember this Holiday Season … “Friends do not give friends fruitcake!”  Here is a little slice of life for you … Some good news over the holidays … Secret Santa’s … are in our midst.  A good read go over there and check it out. 
Happy Holidays and have a positive shopping experience.

OOO

Six Words – Christmas Song

If you were asked to, could you sum up your life in six words?

Think about it.

Six words.

There is a book on this subject, Not Quite What I Was Planning (Harper $16.95) that asks that very question.  The book is filled with six word phrases by the famous, and the not so famous, an interesting read.

Here are a few:

  • Joan Rivers, “Liars, hysterectomy didn’t improve sex life!”
  • Steven Colbert, “Well, I thought it was funny.”
  • Roy Blount, “Maybe you had to be there?”
  • There are countless examples in the book,
  • “Revenge is not living well.”
  • I wrote it all down somewhere?”
  • “Take a left turn, and then fly.”
  • On the playground, alone, 1970, today.”

I found it almost therapeutic in nature, a nice mull over on a cold winter day, lot cheaper than a couch session and a refill of Prozac.  Some of it is positive and with all things, some of it sad.  But it is still a good read, maybe something for the Christmas Wish List and that difficult person who you can never find the exact thing that is right.

Perhaps it is me, but I would rather fill my head with things of this nature, than to read the negative and the downtrodden thoughts of some idiot who has nothing better to do than poison pen every person on the net each day in some inane comments section.  It is stimulating and it gets me to thinking (often lifting me into a more positive frame of mind) about life.

What if today was your last day on earth?

Wouldn’t we tell our loved ones how much we really loved them, even though most of us rarely seem to get around to doing just that anymore.  In this age of super, instant communication, we still find ourselves distant and removed.

Wouldn’t we attempt to do something to make sure that we left the earth a better place than when we arrived?  If today was our last day, were there some items on the agenda that might help out someone that is less fortunate than you, that you might accomplish now?  Like maybe, giving away all of your remaining food to someone who was hungry?

On your last day …  Six little words.

 “Outcast … Picked last  …  Surprised them all.”

OOO

Here is your Christmas Song

(click on the link)

As the church lady on SNL would say … Because You Are So Special.