Soaking It Up

Taxing Your Water:  In Oklahoma if you build a pond on your property, you do not own the water that backs up behind the dam.  In order to “actually own the water in your pond” you have to go to the State Water Resources Board and apply for a permit to own the water behind your dam.  Now that permit by the way, costs you $28 and some change.  And we wonder why one out of every three citizens suffers from some form of mental illness here.

Having to admit that this seemed a little bit ludicrous and just slightly unfair, I have discovered that in Oregon that the city of Medford “owns core rights to all sources of water” which most people would think did not include the rain falling from the sky.  But a local resident who had backed up water in three ponds on his property has been sentenced to jail for thirty days for collecting water on his property.  He of course fought it in court, but the court disagreed and now he is serving the jail time.

 What is next … The very air that we breathe?

Is it real or is it NASA:  Have any of you observed the first photo’s back from the Martian landscape sent by the Mar’s Rover.  They looked a great deal like shots of Nevada and parts of Utah.  “You would really be forgiven for thinking that NASA was trying to pulll a fast one on you” wouldn’t you?

While we are on the subject of photo’s? recently changed up their photo editor and we have a totally new deal now.  It really sucks.  You have a difficult time sizing all of the photo’s to the same size, and it often makes photo posting a nightmare and ugly as hell.

The slideshow presentation is now a thing of the past and generally speaking, it really is not an improvement but more of a step backwards.  It of course is “free” not asked for and in this case, “you get what you pay for” which isn’t much.  If you truly want to post “jagged uneven pictures and not have a slide show presentation, this is what it looks like.

 Pretty sad.

Twinkies Are Long Gone:  My favorite confectionary has bit the dust, Twinkies, so yummy, so good, containing so many chemicals and unknown ingredients, you could leave them outside for a year, and they would still be good.  They are now gone.  Which will be bad for all of us in Oklahoma who have the appearance of poster boys for Weight Watchers, Inc.  But there is hope, we are still not the fattest state in the nation.  Mississippi just took the national honors on that, and for the sixth straight year in a row, remains on top of the junk food pile.  Louisiana and West Virginia were close behind, while Colorado ranked as the skinniest state.

Thick Crust and Another Layer of Government Please:  The president of Papa John’s Pizza has announced that if Obamacare goes thru the cost of a pizza will go up about .20 cents.  He has some 1,600 employees, most of who are currently uninsured.  He will have to raise the price of the average pie in order to meet the federal mandated costs associated with health care for employees.

And he is not alone, Burger King, Quiznos, Dunkin’ Donuts have all stated that this new wrinkle in the fabric of American life will increase their respective costs some $30,000 per year.

And of course, “they will pass the cost on to the consumer.”  What the government and the rest of the nation seems to fail to realize is this one simple fact of life.  “A lot of this they are passing off to the consumer, is just another burden laid upon our nation’s poor.”

No one seems to recognize the fact that we are not some kind of insatiable sponge and can soak up everything that comes down the line.  Sooner or later, it is going to have to give, and when this happens, it is going to get ugly.


Stardust – Magic and Other Cures

“Wednesday … You have to be very careful these days, if you want to make it all the way to Friday.”

Too hot for that.  A teacher in a Nashville high-school has been suspended for allegedly throwing a bucket of water over a pair of teenagers he saw kissing in a hallway.  The teacher, not named by the school, posted on his Facebook page that his dousing of the pair “seemed to work and they stopped” and then he added “keep me in your prayers, peeps.”

My dad used to throw water on dogs all the time to make them stop, so what is the big deal?  The next thing you know, the Chess Club will be banning plunging necklines and major displays of cleavage by the female players.

Where will it all end?

Three strikes and you are out.  A las Vegas man visiting friends in Oregon was stopped three times in one day for speeding.  The first time it was 105 mph, 98 mph and 92 mph respectively.  You would have thought he would have gotten the message the first time.  But I cannot give him too much trouble, in my younger days I got three tickets in one day while riding my Harley Davidson motorcycle, so I will cut him some slack.  I used to drive to California on a weekly basis and got enough tickets to wallpaper my room, so there should be some understanding here.

Why people are in such a hurry is beyond me.

Wind killers.  The interstate is full of wind turbine equipment this week, long carriers headed out to Western Oklahoma wind-farms.  These huge turbine like windmills are erected in wind prone areas of the prairie and they are natural killers for migratory birds, Eagles, Red Tailed Hawks and owls.  Funny how it is we write all these well intentioned laws and the oil companies and their cronies just ignore them.

Two of America’s migratory wildlife laws are violated on a daily basis in this state and I assume elsewhere by these wind turbine machines.  The migrator Bird Treaty Act and the Eagle Protection Act were both put in place to protect birds.  Over the past twenty years the federal government has initiated hundreds of cases against oil, gas and electricity producers for breaking wildlife laws.

Yet the Obnama administration has never prosecuted a wind farm anywhere.  The green people are guilty of even bigger hypocrisy.  They complain that American’s do not study climate change but they ignore widespread evidence of bird deaths and the reduction of bird populations by these monsters of the prairie.

To save our planet and our environment, it seems, you first have to wreck it.

From the cradle to the grave.  Three million more Americans age 65 and over are working today than a decade ago.  Used to be you only saw them employed as Wally-World greeters, but that has changed.  They now make up 18 percent of the workforce, up from 13 percent.  Life is good in the Greatest Country in the World.  It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in some cave in Afghanistan with three feuding wives, eight children, five grandchildren and 10 very bored villagers and no ESPN.

Think about it.

Vote and do it often.  As the race for a new American Superman continues my mailbox heats up, please stop sending me all this electronic political tripe.  65% of you feel like the current guy will be elected, which means that most likely 87% of the voters will vote for him, 63% of the independents and 42% of the Repub.’s will vote for him.  In a recent survey they posed a question to the electorate (that is YOU in case you did not know) Question – Are there too many immigrants in America? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understand the question please.”

I just love numbers, you can do just about anything you want with numbers. 

Which really beats talking about Death … Taxes … And Romney.

I promise.  Maybe we should just have them all sign a pledge to America and try it again.  (Newt and the boys did that before and then they reneged on it) We would ask all candidates to sign a pledge that they were virgins before marrying, are not gay, and will not watch pornography during working hours and seldom eat at Chick Filet.  The pledge could be tailor made to fit just about any moral clause you can think of, and say, here is an idea, we could do it like they do it, put some clauses or stipulations in there that are of a “undisclosed nature.”

Yeah, that might work.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go outside and scream!  One of the few things in life left for me that I can still afford.  We will call this a day, I am feeling a bad case of the blues coming on, and it is only Wednesday … You have to be very careful these days, if you want to make it all the way to Friday.


Down And Dirty … Pass The Prozac

Another week has come and gone, did you make it, are you a survivor?  Getting kind of hard to make ends meet now days, they keep coming by and moving the stakes on me, and just making it from one week to the next is something anymore.  It appears that the govt. isn’t going to do anything (except spend more money it does not have), so we have to do our best to make it happen.

I usually shy away from Political news, but just look at how much they spent on assassinating this Obama-Done-Been-Forgotten guy.  An incredible amount of money, here is another take on it.  I cannot wait for the “official photo’s of the government funeral.”

I am not buying into it, I rank it up there with my first bicycle and the “dog ate my homework.”

Personally, I could stand a little of this prosperity that seems to be all around us, good for the taking.  No one it seems wants to improve my standard of living.  If 9 or 10 full loaded jumbo jets were crashing to the earth each day, you could be assured, they would jump in there and do something.  But you see, you and I, we are not that important.

We are just tax payers.

It was a bad week for Czech President Vaclav Klaus, after he was caught pocketing a pen during a news conference with Chilean President Sebastian Pifera (try spelling that one!).  Czech media didn’t cut him any slack either, they were calling Klaus a thief, but his office claims he had a right to take the ceremonial pen.  Bad sign of the times, when the president of a country is caught lifting a writing pen.

I used to relish the days I could sit down and write something that was truly funny, but I just don’t seem to be in the mood to do that these days.  Might be because there isn’t a whole lot happening, that is funny.  You ever notice that.  Even Charlie Sheen, much like Chinese food, tends to fade away after a brief portion of time.

This week or the past several days have been hard on me because of this Royal Wedding thing.  Let’s face it, “it is not a guy thing” and I have made that apparent on numerous occasions, but it doesn’t seem to resonate a familiar chord with my bride.  Did you know the Royal Family receives about $62 million a year from the government … about a buck for every citizen …. this is to pay for palaces, staff, and  travel.  I would like a deal like that.

But there are some that argue the true cost is closer to $300 million a year.  Anyway, what is YOUR family costing you these days?  It used to be a gallon of milk cost more than a gallon of gasoline, but that isn’t true any more.  It has gotten so bad around here, that we had to give up Twinkies and Ding Dongs, and I suppose the M&M’s are next?

American Ride … The Toby Keith video just came on, and that is not helping my attitude this Friday either.

I just read where some poet laureate in a coffee shop in Bend, Oregon couldn’t cut it anymore and canceled his own ticket. He killed himself by stabbing himself too death.  Seems to me, there should be a better way to do that, but that is how he did it.  Patrons at first thought it was part of his act, he had just finished singing his original composition, “Sorry For The Mess.”  When they finally realized it was not a ruse, they called 911, and rushed the poor slob to the local hospital, where he later died of his wounds.

(He was treated for mental problems just last month, evidently the doctors missed something)

It has gotten so bad that in Australia  A wombat at an Australia zoo has been diagnosed with depression, but it’s not because he’s caged.    Get this, because of a recent cyclone the zoo had been shut down for eight weeks.  Might be a good thing he is there and not here, if he were here, they would dope him up and then say … “Get Over It.”  (Now ask me who has been watching wayyyyyyy too much Dr. Phil.)

Veterinarians ran a battery of expensive physiological tests before concluding that the wombat was suffering from a withdrawal of human contact.  It appears that he missed “the patting, the photos, the cuddles, and the endless posing for the cameras.” (So do I but she said that was “sick” and she was NOT doing that anymore)

Hell, that aint nuthin. 

Wait until he gets old, now that is a trip. 

And if you are lucky, you can mix your own prescriptions!

I have to go now, I am off to the “multiple personalities meeting downtown” today, and I am in charge of the name tags, gonna be there all afternoon.  If you happen across something “funny” send it on to us here … Just like you … We could use a break.

Have a great weekend.


Thanks to Cracker Bill for him allowing me the lifting his photo also.

The Short Rows

I like the country
Can’t stand all this city strife
Guess I want to be on the boulevard … rollin’
Rollin’ all my life.

Open the east gate of Yellowstone and let me in!
Thinking about Bear Tooth Pass,
Cooke City, Red Lodge Montana
two-lane highways and cheap gas.

Crater Lake,
Junction City,
Clear water streams
What a hopeless romantic,
a man of many dreams.

No adventure in my life,
No more icing on the cake,
Ho hugs, soft kisses, warm hello’s,
No backrubs, or calls on the telephone,
No important dates for me to make,
My coffee cup has developed a pinhole leak on the bottom,
My first problem of the day.

Wednesday morning, my idle mind draggin’ my heart around. I can hear the low muffled sound of my own heart beating. It disturbs me, a distressing reminder of my own mortality. A slow steady drum beat of how fragile life really can be, and I stop to consider the fact that we seldom realize the frailty of it all.

Sitting here at my window with my cup of Joe, meditating. Today, this day, my thoughts should be concentrated on other things, not so much on leaving, getting out of here. But rather, just making it thru another Oklahoma winter day.

Much like the fading last embers in a dying campfire … the memory of the weekend is fading … Two quick short days in heaven, often just isn’t enough. Perhaps a trip north to Yellowstone or a quick visit to Orlando and some white sand, might just be what the doc ordered up?

I need a two-week placebo for my winter time blues.


Sorry Charlie

charlieReady for the latest email rumor?  Here it is, hot of the press, just came in yesterday afternoon.

Like Tuna? Here you go, follow the yellow brick road (federal gold).  Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s home district includes San Francisco.  Star-Kist Tuna’s headquarters are in San Francisco, Pelosi’s home district.

Star-Kist is owned by Del Monte Foods and is a major contributor to Pelosi. Star-Kist is the major employer in American Samoa employing 75% of the Samoan work force. Paul Pelosi, Nancy ‘s husband, owns $17 million dollars of Star-Kist stock.

Not going to fast for you am I?

In January, 2007 when the minimum wage was increased from $5.15 to $7.25, Pelosi had American Samoa exempted from the increase so Del Monte would not have to pay the higher wage. This would make Del Monte products less expensive than their competition’s.

Last week when the huge bailout bill was passed, Pelosi added an earmark to the final bill adding $33 million dollars for an ‘economic development credit in American Samoa’.

The email then goes on to say that backs it all up.  Sorry Charlie but SNOPES.COM does not validate this, it says it is a rumor.  And Truth or says there is no record of it at all.  So don’t believe everything that you read in email, no better yet, don’t believe “anything” you read in email, and certainly nothing here.

The email ends with “Why don’t we get media coverage of stories like this?” and of course the old stand-by …. Pass This On To All Of Your Friends … The sure dead give away.

We don’t get stories like this because they seem to be bogus and untrue.

(Gawd, I hate email)


Boring and unimportant

A man who wrongly spent 19 years in prison for rape is set to receive a $1.4 million settlement of a federal lawsuit.  DNA evidence cleared him and the city which had him prosecuted has cut him a check for $300,000 and owes him $1.1 million more.  This figures out to close to $58,000 per year, so now we all know what twenty-years of your life is worth in Louisiana.

Not much.

More prison news, this is a doozy. Faced with a $1.7 million budget deficit, Des Monies County, Iowa is considering charging prison inmates for toilet paper!  They say that the county hopes to raise $2,300 by charging inmates $1 for toilet paper.  I guess the next question might be, “What about the guy who doesn’t have the buck for the paper?” what does he use.


Here you go!

Tax Troubles Take Five opened at the White house this week with revelations that another of President Obama’s Cabinet-level nominees has problems with unpaid taxes.  This used to be somewhat amusing, but it is appearing far too much here lately, and has kind of gotten old.

Ron Kirk the cabinet appointee owes more than $10,000 in taxes.  The thing that really makes all this so repugnant is the attitude of the Obama administration itself.  Who called Kirk’s tax troubles “minor” and expressed confidence that the Senate will confirm him.  This liaise faire attitude toward these tax cheats should not be tolerated.

Oil Crisis is evidently over.

Gasoline prices are on the rise and the oil industry is sowing seeds for a sharp run-up at the pump, best be ready, because it is on the way.  Americans battered by the recession have found modest consolation or comfort in low oil prices and gasoline price at the pump.  This is a condition that is more than likely going to last as long as business remains dismal and the recession stays in place.

Evidently we no longer have a petroleum problem in the nation, that is good news, isn’t it.

The oil industry is quietly brewing another consumer toxic stew in gas prices once demand recovers and the economy adjusts and starts moving again.  They are slashing new investment and production far more sharply than analysts projected just a couple of months ago.  This of course could lead to shortages later on, and when something becomes short in supply, well you know what happens dont’cha?

It goes up in price.  Get ready boys and girls, it is on the way. Where is T Boone Pickens when we really need him.

What was it the great poets used to say, Life is a tragedy, or a sad play or something like that?

Jerry Seinfeld is tackling martial woes as the behind the scenes producer of the Marriage Ref. a six-episode reality series due on NBC next season.  Squabbling couples will air their differences to a panel of comedians, sports stars and celebrities (only thing this is missing seems to be OJ, but I hear he is tied up at the present time). Just what we need, a recession and unhappy married couples harping at each other in prime time.

Head games on channel twenty-five.

In order to maintain martial harmony in my home, I am often forced to watch insidious mind-numbing shows like Dancin’ With The Stars or American Idol.  Now here is the deal, all these so-called contestants are NOT supposed to know they are being cut or chosen to move on, right?  So last night when they called this little teenage-chickie down to tell her she is moving on in the competition how come they already had her miked?

The other contestants were not wearing mikes … I smell a rat.

supermanAction Comics #1 the book that introduced Superman is going on the auction block.  This is considered a highly collectible item, or considered the Holy Grail of comic books.

Previous to this, another marvel comic book fetched over $350,000 at an auction in 2002.  I used to have a stack of comic books in my closet that was around 4 ft high, when I came home from the service I discovered that my mother had tossed all of them.

So much for my chance at being a millionaire before age twenty-five.

It may be news to foreign policy Pundits in Islamabad as well as to the majority of readers that Superman, the highly coveted American film hero, is an expression and a creation of fascist minds rooted in a political culture that epitomizes power and the use of force.  Muslims do not like Superman and they are not too fond of us.

While we are at it.  The big news on the news today is the local Muslim’s do not want their picture on the drivers lic. and are suing the state.  Here is a novel idea.  YOU DON’T LIKE IT HERE AND DO NOT WANT TO ABIDE BY THE RULES … FORFEIT YOUR CITIZENSHIP AND MOVE TO AN ISLAMIC COUNTRY OR COMMUNITY. Most of us are tired of your act by this time.

Been a somewhat interesting week, I read where a guy tried to rob a finger-licking-chicken joint in Dallas with a stick!  Yes, I said a stick.  Now this is a guy who is going to need Denny Crane or Allan Shore for representation for sure.

Another guy in Oregon was in the process of robbing a car wash when his gun disintegrated and fell to the floor in several pieces.  The employee of the car wash grabbed the first thing handy, a 2,000 ft/lb per square inch hose and let the guy have it!

And in Washington DC this dude came home to find a van parked in his driveway, walking to the windows, he spies three people inside his house, unhooking his flat screen television.  So noticing the van is idling and the keys are in it, he gets inside and drives off with their van to call the cops.

So far, this has to be the absolute winner of them all.  It is short and sweet.

There you go, all you need to know about everything that matters.

Thanks for stopping by, come back soon (and of course, please bring your own paper).


The Long View

OPEN ROUNDLauderhill Florida – Four years and more than 700,000 rubber bands since he began, Joel Waul has clinched the Guinness World Record for the largest rubber band ball. The ball, which sits under a tarp in Waul’s driveway, weighs 9,032 pounds and is more than 6 feet tall. The old record was 4,594 pounds.

Waul, 27, estimates he spent $10,000 on the project.  We did something like that up in Kansas once, drove 45 miles to the the Worlds Biggest Ball of String!  And of course the Worlds Biggest Prairie Dog … Which was constructed of Solid concrete.


Albany New Yawk – Two major pharmacy chains agreed to translate prescription drug instructions into customers’ primary languages in more than 2,000 stores statewide by March 31, 2010. CVS and Rite Aid will counsel and provide written translations in Spanish, Chinese, Italian, Russian, French and Polish.  Now you do understand that when you travel abroad to these countries, they are going to extend to you the very same privileges.

And they wonder why no one can speak English in this country.  (What a bunch of prunes!  Inside joke, you have to read the comments section)


Medford Oregon – A woman pleaded guilty to theft charges and was sentenced to up to 90 days in jail and pay back more than $3,000 to residents. Carley Torres, 35, and her husband had their children go door to door, asking for donations to send their oldest daughter to a volleyball camp. But the couple spent the money at malls and monster truck rallies, authorities said.


Caldwell Idaho – Michael Hart, 29, has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for an attack on his wife that included dousing her with lighter fluid and setting their bed on fire. Hart of Nampa pleaded guilty to attempted strangulation and arson for the May 6 attack on Jessica Holmes. Holmes survived and escaped with her two children.

Something for the girls …. Ladies if you want a good read, stumbled across one the other day, you might want to check her out.  The Resaurant Gal (this is not a typo, she is spelling it that way).


President Bush hosted the world conference on money matters this week.  The agenda for the meeting of 20 top economies in the world was one of the most important money conferences since World War II.  Items discussed were how to impose more government control over lending and create more transparency within money markets.  Bush holding an economic conference is something to the Wylie Coyote holding his annual “teach chickens how to fly” summit outside of Waco, Texas.

They want more transparency?  Most of these bankers have their head so far up their A** they need a plexi-glass stomach just to see where they are going.

One thing about Mr. Obama, he is a class act, he opted out of the meetings allowing the Lame Duck president to go through the motions and enjoy his waning moments in his quickly fading Washington sunset.  Face it, no lame-duck president can do anything meaningful after the successor is elected.  The time in-between election and installation is too long, it gives them too much time to issue pardons to convicted political pals.

Bill Clinton issued more than 200 pardons between November and January before leaving office.  Mr. Obama said he was going to do his best to wrestle the problems of the economy on 60 Minutes.  Let’s hope so, it is so dog-gone bad that when we called a plumber the other day, that sucker actually showed up on time!


Sarah Palin is in the news, discussing her future in the G.O.P ……….. haha-haha-hahaha- haha-haha-hahaha- haha-haha-hahaha- haha-haha-hahaha- haha-haha-hahaha- haha-haha-hahaha- haha-haha-hahaha- Oh excuse me, I believe I just hurt myself.  Can Sarah Palin actually be harmful to good health?  Read it here.


A.I.G. (American Insurance Group) those wonderful parasites that are currently enjoying a nice high ride on taxpayer money, said that they are not going to apologize for their last exorbitant party and binge.  The CEO of that company which has taken a financial lifeline from the taxpayers (largest in history) said he isn’t sure if that will be sufficient.  Reporting a $24.47 billion loss this week, sure sounds like “party time to me.”

Just like I said, “Feed ’em once, and they will be back.”  Kind of like petting a dog.  You pet a dog and you have a job for life.  Personally I would rather have the dog, you can trust a dog, and of course, a lot cheaper to feed.


Nothing is sacred anymore, in Seattle this past week they announced the cancellation of the annual Nude Bicycle Ride in city parks.  Citing 23 people for indecent exposure and arrests of obscene exposure.  Which reminds me of the young couple who were on vacation with their two small children.  They were driving down the road and they saw a sign that read …. “Nature Park.”  So they decided to turn off the main highway and go see this park, not knowing that it was in fact, a nudist colony.

As they drove down this secluded road, coming around the curve, they spied a group of totally nude adults on bicycles approaching them with no way to stop and turn around.  As they slowly drove by all the naked people, who smiled and waved, the youngest child, a precocious 4 year old in the backseat exclaimed … “Did You see that!” and the mother said, “Yes we did.

Where he replied, “Not one of those guys had a helmet on!