I Am Not God II

Recently feeling a compelling urge to come up with a solution to this unsubstantiated report that I am God that has been floating around, I drove out west of the city, to a large hill, and I sat there and meditated, took time to survey my kingdom, which mainly consists of the Interstate Highway and lot’s of trucks.

Once again, I took time to look deep inside and determine who it is that I am.

My hum-drum life slowly unfolded before my very eyes … I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for elderly citizens.  I lay ceramic tile. I can wash a dog or groom a kid for Sunday School, have done so on one or more occasions.  Know how to trap a cat.  Move furniture and lift heavy objects.  I have never had a hole in one.  I can shift a tri-plex, duplex, 4X4, 6X4, without grinding most of the time.  I don’t cheat at cards, monopoly or trifle with other peoples women.

I got a Chiapet for Christmas and it has already went bald!

Life is good for me a starving abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless NFL bookie.  Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening-wear.  I don’t perspire.  I am a very private citizen, yet I receive copious amounts of email fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes to the “free” concerts at the zoo.  Last summer I toured all of New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration outfit.

I stand 5’10” and I weigh 200-none-of-your-business soaking wet.  I bat .375 when I am on top of my game.  Confession is good for the soul, so I have been told …. I have in my youth trifled with women — Guilty!  I have hacked off the senior sound manager of my church with complete abandon and I didn’t even have to sing — Guilty!  I don’t necessary think all Arabs are evil people — Guilty!  I cannot under any circumstance imaginable find myself liking Rap Music — Guilty!  When I was a little dinker and late at night I prayed, “I cross my heart and hope to die?” I confess, I didn’t really mean that second part … Guilty!

In my youth, I would climb electrical transmission towers just to listen to them buzz and crackle in the dark summer night.  I love my state representative in government, ol’ what’s his name?  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.  Children trust me.  Richard Simmons knew me when I weighted 350 lbs  ..  I can pump my own gas and check my own oil.  I can re-ink my own cartridges without making a huge mess of my office.  I can load the paper into the printer in under three minutes!  (Yes I can!)

I know and understand the meaning of verbose.  But often never adhere to the principle.

I can run a paper shredder, I know what Jennifer Lopez used to keep her dress on during the Grammy’s and I hit a $25 jackpot in Reno one time.  I have every Lawrence Welk record ever made, including his salute to Woodstock.  I buy cookies from the Girl Scouts and the Brownies.  Give them to my neighbors because I am not allowed to have cookies from the Girl Scouts and the Brownies.

I have been known to hurl a tennis racket with uncanny accuracy at moving objects, I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, David Copperfield and the Godfather in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dinning room table that evening.

I can locate studs behind wallboard without a stud finder!

My wife instructed me and showed me every food group in the supermarket.  I have performed several covert operations with the CIA in an attempt to locate WMD in the Cleveland area.  I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a hard backed chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.  I have eleven toes on one foot, I can swim faster than Chuck Norris, and I believe anyone who collects John Tesche albums or Barry Manilow records are wimps.  I don’t like sour cream on my baked potato’s and gravy on my sour dough biscuits.

I turn right on red lights all of the time, drive 8 miles over the posted speed limits, all of the time, I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills on my credit cards are usually paid promptly by the 15th.  On weekends, to let off steam I participate in full-contact origami.  Most of the time I cannot locate my car keys.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven.  I can eat sushi without upchucking it afterwards.  I breed prize winning clams in the creek behind my house.  I have won bullfights in San Jan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and Spelling Bees at the Kremlin.  I can operate a microwave oven and pop my own popcorn.

Often in the summer months, I will play Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis (before and after he died), I share my opinions freely and unsolicted, and spent the night at a Holiday Inn.  I know the first name of the Ice Cream Truck driver and the UPS guy.  I actually voted for Richard M. Nixon once.

I laugh, I learn, I sometimes cry.

I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich, but I would not mind smelling bad.  I have no real claim to fame.  Don’t feel the need to tell the world of my accomplishments.  No need to post my name. The highest title or accomplishment I ever achieved in life was … The title of  “Dad.”

And that was okay with me.

Fully understanding and well aware of the fact that I am not God, I just try and do my level best with all the talents and things that he has richly blessed me with.  I am also pretty sure that Oprah would find me interesting and a real hoot.  After all, “A man wrapped up in himself is a very small bundle” (Ben Franklin)  So that means I would be a good fit for her couch or Dr. Phil on any given day of the week.

Check your local listings.

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RELATED: I Am Not God


O Happy Daze

living-and-dying

You know I look at the headlines and they are just so dire, so outright depressing, I almost avoid them completely.  They are enough to make a guy sick, if you let it.  I tend to lean towards “Happy Stuff” I know that this is totally unrealistic, but what they hey, it doesn’t drag me down.

We are sitting on a mountain of personal opportunities, if you just look around.  I want to make a difference in someone’s life this day, I know that out there in cyberspace there are people who are not having a good day.  There are people who are getting a bad medical report, financial news, a kid who is sick, or a bill that needs paying and there just isn’t money to cover it.

They don’t need any more bad news — I don’t need any more bad news —You don’t need it either.

So I kind of naturally lean towards something lighter, something uplifting, something positive if I can find it, if it is possible to think along those lines.  Tiring of the ambsace numbers coming out of Washington, I want another shot at it, and I want a winner.  I am tired of standing on the curb and clapping when the parade moves by, I want to get out and the street if only to march and sing!

Most of us want or desire to be a good example in life, wouldn’t you agree?  I remember in High School, I was never the trophy winning athlete, I was the “example.”  The coach would point his finger at me, and then he would say something profound and inspiring like …. “Look at Smith, at least he finished.  He wasn’t first and he wasn’t last, but he did finish.” And I would mutter a lowly “uh thanks, I think?” and move on.

Now later, much later on in life, I am still striving to achieve something, anything, as long as it is positive in nature.

Following along those same lines, I recently took on a second job sort of thing, working in the afternoons.  It is something like the Wall-Mart greeter guy, only different.  I am now working at Weight Watchers, they are paying me $8.40 and hour to stand in the corner, there the weight trainers and personal rep’s point at me and yell ….. “If you continue to eat Twinkies and Ding Dongs, this is what you will look like!”

Always the good example.

Winners, I want stories about winners.  Rudy, Clash of the Titans, The Horse Whisper, that Will Smith movie about the homeless guy, and a host of others.  I want a movie where the dog comes home, the guy gets the girl, the storyline where the hero makes a difference.  I love stuff like Charice, the little Filipino girl who dreams of singing with Celina Deon and comes to America and does just that.

And she is good, knock down drag ’em out the door good, check out the video.  Her talent really shines in part two at Madison Garden when she sings with Celina.

Brings a tear to my eye every time.

Like most of you, I am sick of stories of big time bankers and politicians that get convicted, pick up the bag of money and waltz off into the sunset.  I don’t want to hear about the polar bears drowning or the Eskimo’s that cannot heat their homes or find any grub.  I am sick of all this negative crap going around, I want some good news.

dsc00193

Give me something like this story that a friend of mine recently shared with me.  In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

“How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.  “Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.  The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

“Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.  “Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins.  “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies and she realized that he chose not to have a sundae, because if he had, he would not have enough left to leave her a tip.

You can make a difference in someone’s life.

Do something, anything, nice for someone today.  You’ll be surprised how much better you feel when you are the example and not the cause.

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Comments is open, every reader with the letters A-N can comment now, O-Z you have to wait until tomorrow, or whenever you feel like it.  Have a great weekend.

I am Not God

Contrary to popular belief the rumors are not true.

I truly may have been blessed among men.  I can write something stupid or off the cuff, and inspire the passion of a nation to send me one thousand emails implying that I should be sleeping in a bed infested with the fleas of a thousand camels, or sitting under a sick horse somewhere outside Bozeman, Montana atoning for my sins.

I can write I had an eargasm this week, which is the sensation one gets hearing a dramatic climax in music — Or I nearly had an eargasm while listening to his performance of Rachmaninoff’s Piano concerto No.2 and I will get emails from every Tom, Dick & Harry within 200 miles.  Objections from deep in the Piney Woods outside of Macon, Georgia or the foothills outside Provo, Utah.

The Chairman of the Board Of Directors of Good Family Living will reply within two days.  I could possibly be the subject of contention on The View by next Wednesday morning.  So stupid me, I write a poem about George Bush and I make mention of Christianity and now I am forced to admit that I am not God.

Forgive me … But there is a definite need this day to dispel a rumor that has appeared here recently.  This rumor that I am God or that I think I am God, or I have somehow irritated God, or that I simply do not believe in God.  (which should be between me and God, don’tcha think?)

So I stand ready to defend the work.  To answer the questions of:  “Who are you, to assume that you are good enough to go to Chicago and sit on Oprah’s couch?” And a host of other complaints in the past couple of days.  It appears that prayer or comments toward religion from a heathen such as myself are taboo.  Which is ludicrous.

All of this is simply not true.

I do believe in God, Mom, The Flag and Apple Pie.

So as the first prayer was so dog-gone popular and I never seem to learn, here we go again.  Dear Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.  Amen.

Now that I am older (but refuse to grow up) here is what I have discovered.  I have just as much talent as anyone else, I have the right to go to Chicago and talk to whom I want, I am totally unique.

Just like everyone else in this world.

What I am is remarkable, tenacious, and I guess it would be safe to say, in it for the long haul.  No flash in the pan here, just me, an ordinary guy.  Not saintly, enlightening, prophetic, miracle working, just an ordinary guy.  I haven’t even come close to — I have seen and heard enough.

Sometimes when I sit here in my basement, alone, no one around but me and the mushrooms, I have to admit, I am quite the person, “THE” catch of the day, the absolute-best-what-have-you there is on the block.  I adore little children, and puppies, not in that particular order.  Somewhat fond of Californians, but do not like pretentious intellectuals and snobs.  I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have been known to remodel trains stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I love City Hall and it’s employee’s.

In my spare time I have been known to translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.  I write award winning operas.  Manage time efficiently.  Can effectively deal with Road Rage.  I have more than once shook hands with the governors of many states without the benefit of hand sanitizer.  I can fix a small oooowie on a child’s finger, I write poetry — “Fifty bucks is fifty bucks, I am not made out of money — I just topped my truck off at fifty-one eighty and that aint chicken feed honey.

(thank you very much)

Thanks to a teacher and all the many handlers in my life, I can add and subtract, smell a rat in the woodpile every now and then.  I know the EXACT amount of bubble bath to add to a regular sized bathtub.  I use to part my hair on the left, now I just part it all over the place.  I only take a half of tab of Viagra because the bride said “she just wants to cuddle,” Waffles excite me now, but my eggs are never scrambled.

Coffee, black, two sugars, no conversation.  I hammer, I paint, scrape and sand, I am a regular This Old Spouse, I am after all, handy around the house.  I am so dog-gone good I could possibly re-decorate your bedroom or your home.

I don’t know what part of the chicken the McNugget comes from.  I can tread water for three days in a row.  I woo women with my sensuous and Godlike trombone playing.  I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed.  I cook Thirty Minute Meals in a little under twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in the War of Love, and an outlaw in some parts of Peru.

I buy my shoes at K-Mart, underarm deodorant at ChinaMart, I pay all of my bills on time, especially those I owe to the City.  I never ever cheat on my taxes, believe in UFO’s and Roswell, New Mexico, and I write on the Internet for fun and for profit.  Mostly fun here lately.  I hiked the Grand Canyon once in my youth, rode down to the bottom and back on lopped ear mule named Sarah, not to be confused with the current elected governor of some state in the frozen north..

Having two recently installed crowns and one chipped tooth, I have a fetching smile, which cost about $2500 and some change if I remember it right.  Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious Army Ants.  I play Blue Grass Cello, I was scouted by the New York Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.  When I am bored I build large, scale model, suspension bridges in my backyard.

But I am not God.

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Garbled Viewpoint

Scratch N Sniff Bandits Strike Again

DALLAS Texas – A man has proven that you can never have too much underwear when he stole more than 130 pairs of panties from a Victoria’s Secret store.  The Dallas Morning News reported online Tuesday that a man snatched $1,067 worth of underwear from a table at the Dallas store Monday. A police report says a female accomplice held open the door during the theft and both sped away in a green car.  The report did not indicate what styles or sizes were stolen.

Don’t Forget Your Coupons

Coeur d’Alene Idaho – Law enforcement agents are offering $25 grocery gift cards to people who turn in burglary suspects before Thanksgiving. The Kootenai County branch of Crime Stoppers of the Inland Northwest is looking for five suspects in recent burglaries and is offering the grocery cards to sweeten regular cash rewards of up to $1,000.  CATCH A TURKEY – WIN A TURKEY …. What a concept.

Locked Down and Lonesome

Paducah, Kentucky – A state prisoner serving a four-year sentence for theft returned to the McCracken County Regional Jail a few hours after he escaped from a cleanup detail. Authorities said Chad Toy, 21, told them he was influenced by family members who feared for his safety. He returned still wearing his orange jump suit.

What a classy move

The auto exec’s all flew into Washington this week in “private jets” to beg for money and a possible bail out.  Now that is an austerity program for the rich if I ever saw one.  Meanwhile, our beloved Chief Executive has done rather well in this lucrative money-pit of tax payer dollars.  It is estimated that Bush will leave the White House with an estimated net worth of some $21 million, not a bad payday, for a sorry job and a proven underachiever. This is the problem with America, we know the price of everything but not the value of nothing.

Thank You For Sharing That

Brad Pitt on fatherhood in an interview on today’s Oprah Winfrey Show says “I am impervious to poo, snot, urine, and vomit.”  Man that sure helped me get my breakfast burrito down, thanks a lot.  Gee whiz Poppa-Pitt show a little class.  Rosie O’Donnell is coming to NBC for another round of “please tune in and allow me to share my rancid life history with you” check your local listings.  Wonder if Barbara Walters is gonna watch?  Another one of Hugh Heffner’s girlfriends is leaving him to marry a younger guy … I think he is sixty.

He-Said – She-Said

Silverton Oregon has the nation’s first transgender mayor.  His/Her highness wears women’s clothes and has breast implants.  By not hiding his cross-dressing from the public he said “I have blackmail-proofed myself.”  Wonder which bathroom he uses at City Hall … Just thinking outside the box y’all.

Myopia in Texas (Where else?)

The Terrell, Texas, Tribune did not even mention in its Nov. 5th edition that Barack Obama had won the presidential election because it was not local news.  “We covered the local commissioner’s race” said the editor, “We thought that was more important.”  Texas is the only state in the nation that executes the mentally insane and also elects them to the highest office in the land.

Look out below

Now this is something everyone in New Jersey can take pride in.  Councilman Steven Lipsid, who was arrested at a Grateful Dead Concert for urinating off the balcony onto the crowd below.  The 44-year old politician said that he had “resolved not to touch alcohol again.”  See what happens when you get a good deal on cheap seats at a concert?

More Nakid News

Tell me that I don’t know my reader base?  Twelve participants in the Boulder, Colorado annual Naked Pumpkin Run may be forced to register as sex offenders.  As 150 revelers ran naked through the streets of Boulder wearing pumpkins on their heads (I am not making this up – I swear!) the police arrested 12 on charges of indecent exposure.  “I was thinking a minor fine or community service, not thinking of sex offender.” Said one arrested 23 year old.  I believe the key word in that statement would be “not thinking.”  If convicted, I think they ought to have to write and answer the Comments Section at Creative Endeavors for at least ninety-days, that would be good community service.

Back To Law & Order

Former Sen. Fred Thompson is going back to starring on TV after his foray into Republican presidential politics over the last year.  Thompson, best known on TV for his role as a gruff district attorney on NBC’s Law & Order, dropped out of the crowded Republican primaries in January after his much-anticipated presidential campaign failed to gain strong support among conservatives.

Val Kilmer (I think he was that Bat Man guy) is officially weighing a run for Governor of New Mexico approaching it as a worthy, serious matter (that is a delightful change of pace).  The 48 year old actor said he would be “very comfortable” in the position.  Here lately that position is mostly called “bending over’ if you are in politics.

No word on Vanilla Ice, Mr. T or anyone else, but I understand Hasselhoff is staying on America Has Talent. It is also rumored that George Wubya Bush is now considering “acting lessons when they settle down in Dallas” later on this year.

One thing is for sure … They should not have a problem locating a new house or an old one for that matter.

Have A Great Weekend.

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What Were You Thinkin

oprah-phil

Dr. Phil’s test, here you go, try this!  Dr. Phil scored 55, he did this test on Oprah and she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out!

Read on, this is very interesting!  Don’t be overly sensitive!  The following is pretty accurate and it only takes a few minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it on to your friends. Print it out and place it under the Christmas Tree, makes a nifty place-mat setting for the Holidays ….

Don’t peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now and not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today.

This simple little test helps them get better insight concerning their employees and in their prospective employees.  It is instrumental in our trying times to inquire of whom you are hiring.  The mind is a terrible thing, and it must be stopped before it kills somebody!  That kind of thing.

It’s only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your20 letter answers to each question.  Ready? Begin.

1. When do you feel your best…

A) in the morning
B) during the afternoon and early evening
C) late at night

2. You usually walk…

A) fairly fast, with long steps
B) fairly fast, with little steps
C) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
D) less fast, head down
E) very slowly

3. When talking to people you…

A) stand with your arms folded
B) have your hands clasped
C) have one or both your hands on your hips
D) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with…

A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
B) your legs crossed
C) your legs stretched out or straight
D) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with…

A) big appreciated laugh
B) a laugh, but not a loud one
C) a quiet chuckle
D) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…

A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted…

A) welcome the break
B) feel extremely irritated
C) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most…

A) Red or orange
B) black
C) yellow or light blue
D) green
E) dark blue or purple
F) white
G) brown or gray

9.. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are…

A) stretched out on your back
B) stretched out face down on your stomach
C)on your side, slightly curled
D)with your head on one arm
E) with your head under the covers.

10.You often dream that you are…
B) fighting or struggling.
C) Searching for something or somebody
D) flying or floating

E) you usually have dreamless sleep
F) your dreams are always pleasant

Answers Here

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