More Not Fresh Pressed Baloney

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REACH OUT AND BUG SOMEONE:  Went to the telephone store yesterday.  I look at the kid and say, “My telephone bill is five dollars high this month, can you tell me what is going on?” he says, “Let me see your bill.”  I say to him, “they don’t send me a bill, they do it all electronically.”

So we walk over to the computer and I give him all of my identification and the name of my first born male child, we are off and running. He says to me “Here it is.  You had 12 photographs at .50 cent each.”

Now as our kid is really proud of his kids, and sends pictures of the youngest standing next to a trash can all of the time.  Some months ago, I had this feature disabled on my phone (along with text messaging at the same time) or at least I thought I had this covered.  I am not supposed to get photo’s or text, I am just supposed to get telephone calls for new storm windows, carports, septic tank pumping, miracle weight loss cures, stuff like that.

I tell him this, the nice kid, who still has lipstick on his cheek where his mother kissed him good-bye this morning. 

He offers me nothing.  So I say to him, “I never got any pictures, this has to be a mistake.”  He says, “Let me see your phone” and he looks for the pictures that I received that are clearly not there, and this shrugs his shoulders and says, “Must be some kind of glitch.” He removes the charge and gives me a credit, which doesn’t really put anything back in my bank account, so we may or may not be done with this issue, I am not sure.

I then ask him, “How about these junk telephone calls, am I being charged for them?” and he says, “No.”  I ask him, “so I am not charged for them even if they leave a message on my voice mail?”  He says, “Oh that is different.  If you open your voice mail and listen to the message, then you are charged for the call.”

Hmmmmm, “this means, that I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t, wouldn’t you say?”

He smiles, and says … “Yes sir.  That is about it.”  Nice kid, most likely will be some kind of politician one of these days.

FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES:  I live in what they call a “Fly Over State” and see a lot of aircraft in the sky.  Have you ever wondered how many airliner’s are flying above this country at any one given time?  The numbers are clearly amazing, it would astound you.  I often look up at see the contrails in the sky and wonder where it is they are going and why so many of them are up there.  Here is a link, you can check it out for yourself.

The technology of this site amazes me.  Lot of interesting data can be found.  I clicked on one that said it was Air Force One and I found a shot of Mr. Obama’s aircraft on its first pass over Texas, you can see it here.

EIGHTY-NINE CENT PIE:  We are at the Root N Scoot, I have to buy my lottery tickets for the game on Tuesday.  I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich … but I would not mind smelling bad.  Anyway, this gal, all decked out to the nines in jewelry and stuff, bling-bling (I don’t know if it is real or fake, but it looks nice) walks up to the counter, lays down a .89 cent pastry.  No big thing, right?  Then she pulls out a credit card and pays for the pastry with the card.  Now here is the rub, she walks outside and get into a Lexus SUV.  What is wrong with this picture Boys n Girls?  Sort of like this thing one of our readers sent to me this week:  

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This is kind of hard to read, here is what it says:  “A woman said she noticed her purse missing from her car just before 5P.M. Sunday. The car was parked at her residence on Hornet Drive.  The woman said the car had been locked, and her purse was in the back seat.  the purse was valued at $400, the wallet was valued at $200, and cash in the purse was reported to be $800.  Also missing were the woman’s Food Stamp Cards.”

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it.

ALL TANKED UP:  Subject: New gasoline coming to your gas station. Folks pay real good attention to this one.  Those friendly folks at the EPA (which stands for Exxon Prostitutes, whores and a**holes) all those unelected buddies, we have in the government have come up with a new wrinkle to get you out of your car.  Watch this video about E15 gas if you have a car older than 2012.  There is a link to the story on Fox News, but if you go to that link, surprisingly the video and information is “missing.”  Hmmmmmm?  Over on Utube you can find it all.

This move by the oil companies and the government together is in your best interests.  You see as we all slowly digress to a nation that produces nothing but debt, if we do not have an ample supply of doctored up gasoline (which insures our sucking off the petroleum tit for the next 100 years easily) we will not be able to deliver pizza’s to each other and get them to the house while they are still warm.

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Is this statuetory rape?  Or is it just a moosedemeanor?  

(Stop laughing! This is serious.)

Now I am off to the tireshop.  They put four new tires on my car last month to the tune of almost $700 and the right-front will not hold air for some reason.  I just can hear it now … “Have you been running your car with the ignition turned on?  This could affect the outcome of your final billing Mr. Smith.”

OOO

Shell Oil Sucks Part II

Not all that long ago, I wrote a piece about my current dissatisfaction with all the fine folks who work at Shell Oil in the credit card collection department.  Here is a little footnote here to clarify.

I am not sure who it is I hate the most.  As Shell farms their credit card purchases out to Citigroup, they take the collections and issues are handled out of South Dakota.

So as you can see, I am not all that sure, who it is that I hate the most.  The number I called said “Shell Oil” so that who this is directed towards.  If Citigroup wants a piece of it, there is plenty to go around.

Here it is in a nutshell.

I call them, push one, if you are human, push two, if you have our credit card, push three, if you live on the planet earth.  I tell them that they have a problem, they put me on hold for almost 15 minutes and then dump the problem, that they have created right back on me.

That dawg just did not hunt as Billy Raye Littler is fond of saying.

At this point we get into the “language thing” (the word damn, as I am not writing YOU another DAMN check) and I get the lesson on civic’s from some sweet little tart that most likely only graduated from a South Dakota high-school because she let Butch do her algebra and she did him nocturnal favors below the belt-line, in her Daddies hay-barn on Saturday night.

I now discover that I am an “employee of the oil company” and at their beck and call.

At that time I told her no way, no check, you made the mess, YOU straighten out.  Then I get the rudeness lecture, which I did not have until I was put on hold while my first born male soon graduated high-school and finished three semesters in college before they got back to me.

So I drive the six miles to town to talk to the banker about “the Shell Oil problem” and he assures me that they can only cash the electronic payment (check) ONE TIME and says “go ahead and cut them another check for the $200 difference, I can assure you, they will not run it thru the bank twice.”

Returning to consciousness I believe I heard …. “We will catch it and deny them the money.

As I am not all that fond of bankers, and trust them about as much as the occasional snake I run across on the back of the property from time to time, I decided to sit on the whole mess and see what transpired.  As my Daddy used to say … “Sit back and wait for the dust to settle and the fur to stop flyin.”

Which has always been good advice.

This morning I checked my bank account.  You have most likely have already guessed what is coming next, haven’t ya?

The account came up, and sure as Dallas, there it was.  $25.00 debit cancelled, and redeposited as a credit to the account.  Then two lines above it  … Shell Oil $225.00 (the original check that could NOT be run twice) another electronic payment on the SAME check.

So without hesitation and because it is my site, I hereby proclaim here and now that …. It’s National ….  I LOVE THE OIL COMPANIES, CREDIT CARD COMPANIES AND BANKERS WEEK.  Find an empty chair somewhere, sit down and talk to it.  And of course …. Send this to everyone you consider A FRIEND in the above three named entities.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around. I sincerely hope that when aliens from another world come to this planet, the first thing they do to these people is find some oil soaked Arab and shove them up the ass of these American Arabs in South Dakota.

And my darlin’ little wife cannot figure out why it is that I need to get out of town?

See you later.

OOO

The Old Shell Game

If you are currently doing business with Shell Oil of North America, you might want to find someone else.  Yesterday I sent this letter to Shell Oil North America, most likely it will be filed in the round file at the corner of the desk.

What can I say … Another slow day at the Goat Farm and my prescription has just run out.

To Whom It May Concern:

I recently applied for and was granted a Shell Credit Card #003-118 —-, for this I thank you.  This month I discovered that you have placed a $400 limit on the card which I find unrealistic.

I presently own three automobiles, of the three, the combined fuel capacity of these vech. are 14, 22, and 24 gallons for a total of 60 gallons.  I also own a bus that has a capacity of 225 gallons.  At today’s pricing, a $400 limit on the card is just not a good thing for me personally.  Do the math, 285 gallons at $3.75 per gallon is over $1,000.  Just filling one car per month and the coach, eats up $400 pretty quickly as I am sure you can readily see.

Also, this month, my fuel consumption was $376 on the card, and even though the $400 limit was not met, the card was declined for use at my local shell station, what is the deal on that?  It was not only inconvenient but embarrassing for me personally, and I did not appreciate it.

It appears that even your $400 limit is no good either, it should have at least given me the $23 left on the card.  After all, “a limit is a limit” and this one wasn’t even met at the time.  I also feel you should have informed me of this action on your part at the beginning of our transaction (when I opened the account) and made it known then.

You need to increase the limits on these cards, or just do away with them altogether.

This is disappointing and frankly if this is the best you have to offer, perhaps I should take my business somewhere else?  Review the above account and make some corrections or adjustments, this is not working.

Thanks,

D. Smith

Then I hit transmit (send) and guess what?

The Email address printed on the billing statement is NOT valid. (I guess when you have a good thing going for you, you just naturally don’t have to give a ____ one way or the other.)

OOO