It’s Bikini Season Somewhere

Winter storm rolled thru here this weekend, and it has snapped off cold, bitter cold.  This time of the year always has me thinking of warmer climes, Florida, The Caribbean, Phoenix or any place over 55*F.

As I don’t feel like making any more contributions to the Oil Executives Retirement Fund (Big Oil) I am surfing the net and staying home.  Found this today, if you like warm weather and smooth looking women this is eye candy for you:  Hollywood Beach Bod’s.

Always something good at ABC News.


Fred Smith has a problem.

Things in Batavia, Ohio are not going his way.  Fred suddenly realized that the $1,200 in cash he had been saving for his Christmas gift was missing.  Grabbing his jacket out of the closet, he found that the money, all of it, was gone.  This panicked Fred as he recalled, and all of a sudden he did not know what to do.

Fred Smith of Batavia, Ohio is not having a nice day.

A logical turn of events to Fred was to call, each and every single place that he had been in recent days.  No soap.  But God watches over us they say, and it turns out his cash was safe and sound at a little place called Walt’s Barbecue.

His waitress, Tricia Ayers had found the money in an envelope on a a table and turned it over to her boss.  Fred Smith is a lucky guy, I lost the very same amount in the parking lot of a local mall one Christmas ($1,240.00) and no one held it in safe keeping for me.

Here is another one for the books.

As a high school sophomore in 1976, Jimmy Colson brought a 1923 Peace dollar, a 1897 Morgan dollar, and a 1903 Indian head penny to school to show his friends.  But the coins were stolen that day from his locker.

Thirty-four years later, Colson found an envelope in his mailbox in Greensburg, Indiana, containing the three coins along with an anonymous apology.  It read, “Took it out of your locker some 30 years ago.”  Signed “Sorry, dumb kid.”

It would always make me wonder, who it was, their mindset at the time, and of course, I would like to tell them thanks.

You ever wonder how old a man has to be to father a child?  Well, it appears that it is possible to father a child way up there.  This morning during a lull in the festivities I found Nanu Ram Jogi, 90, world’s oldest new father .  Having a child when you are in your nineties, is proof positive that children are God’s punishment for enjoying sex!  The last thing I am going to want in my life at ninety (assuming I actually make it to ninety) is an infant.

In my case, having given this “fatherhood late in life question” some serious thought, this is what I came up with.  “If we are to have a child at this late stage in life, he or she as the case may be, will have to be born 18 years of age, as he or she as the case may be, is going to have to go to work right away.”

Here is something to look forward to in the New Year.  How about 11 new fee’s added to your airline ticket?  Did you know that the airlines are currently collecting $700 million dollars per MONTH in fee’s.  Here are a few of the new one’s they are considering.

Talking to a service rep at the counter, fee.
Changing the name on the ticket, fee.
Charging your ticket on a credit card, fee.
And my all time favorite, going to the bathroom on the aircraft, fee.

Now I hear you smirking and giggling, but it is true, I read it on the internet.

Ohhhhhh my gosh!  Facebook went viral.  The rumor that it is going to shut down, has people rushing to download their photo’s and treasures from the public medium before the March 15th deadline or as some say, “The end of the world, Species Ending Event for social networking.”  Thru it all, one thing, mystifies me.  I find it some curious that Facebook itself, has not responded to the rumor.  What it is all about.

I am now off to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of Tropicana orange juice and then I am going to sit here in my Easy Boy recliner and think more gooder thoughts about Jane Krackos and of course, warm things.

You figure it out.


In The Dog House

Why is it Christmas music sticks in your mind, for days at a time?  I hear one song, and I am trapped!  To stumble blindly thru the day humming some insistent tune, locked into my mind, tighter than an Investment Bankers bonus payment.  Christmas season is in full swing, decorations are everywhere you look, along with the long ago abandoned political signs that never got picked up by a winner or a loser for that matter.

So here we sit, almost the end of the year, what do we have for you?

The good ole days?  The Rich get richer, you get, well you know the rest of that don’tcha.  Greed is Good, Wall Street is back, watch for the DVD at Walmart soon.  Do you know who the most arrested Hollywood Star might be?  First guess would be Charlie Sheen, he is always in the news, but that would be wrong.  It is his Dad, Martin Sheen, a political activist.

Back to the rant, I am sorry.

What has this year given us?  Separation of Church and state, Drill Baby Drill, Full body scanning, Health Care ….. Good Luck.  I watched this Sarah Palin does Alaska thing the other night, Yummy Mummy shoots a moose.  They say that this is just a regular show, it has no political overtones, just good family fun entertainment.

Yeah?  That is kind of like saying, “The Biggest Loser isn’t about fat people.”

Our National Mood is changing again, one more time, the American Landscape gets a face lift.  We seem to swing like the pendulum on an old wooden clock, first this way and then, the other.  It has gotten so bad that now California welfare recipients are in for hard times.  Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger banned the use of state-issued debt cards recently.  They are no longer honored as payment for psychics, medical marijuana shops, bingo parlors, tattoo parlors, and cruise lines.  All of which have shown up in the past as businesses where the recipients are spending their benefits.

All of this stinks of course, government run amuck as usual.

How about this?  An Ohio sixth-grader has been given detention for farting on the school bus.  Christian Summers, 11, says the flatulence was involuntary, and thinks it “pretty dumb” that he was sentenced to detention.  (What other kind of answer would you expect from an eleven year-old?)  The bus driver, maintains that Summers’ stinky wind breaking was intentional, noting on the detention slip that “while the others scream, he laughs.”  Personally, I think detention should only come after the child is heard telling someone on the bus “to pull his finger.”  That to me, indicates pre-meditated-flatulence behavior and therefore, punishment.

Well Boys & Girls I see the morning sun is breaking the horizon, I need to get crackin on all those little nuances of life that just make my day, thanks for allowing me to take time to share this week with you.  Here is something for you to take with you this day, all you men who wait until the last minute to get that special someone something for Christmas:

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

As a small lad I found that Gun Boat Diplomacy, American Doctrine, the Foreign Policy, as it was explained to me just did not make sense.  I remember one day talking to my father about it and his only explanation was this.  “Listen son, as long as there is a rock here, and a rock there, we will have idiots that will fight over them.”

Now I must admit, that at the time, that just did not make a whole lot of sense to me.  Just like, “Eat all your vegetables, there are kids in China that are starving too death.” And I knew damn well, that my father had never in his life, been to China.

Maybe Watonga Oklahoma or Amarillo, Texas, but surely not Beijing.

Yesterday I read where Kentucky and Ohio are conducting a legal battle over a rock.  Yes I said a rock.  “Indian Head Rock” had jutted out of the Kentucky side of the Ohio River until some Ohioans uprooted the iconic 8-ton boulder and moved it to Ohio.  Kentucky sued, and has regained possession until the legal wrangling is resolved.  “We’ll keep it in a safe and secure place,” promised Kentucky officials.

See?  If you wait long enough, your chickens will come home to roost.

Took awhile, but I now understand the rock part of all this, unfortunately Gun Boat Diplomacy and all this Middle East garbage, still doesn’t make sense to me here.  Locked down in the Heartland … Middle America … But the rock, well, it finally happened.  Perhaps I will someday understand the part my Uncle Sam plays in all this, the diplomacy thing and all that, but the jury is still out on that one.


Now that I am older, I more or less feel different
About what my Uncle Sam said, through the use of me
And my brief tenure in the U.S.Government.

Uncle Sam said, “Watch them.” Don’t you bend one inch
They are out to bury you with subtle subversion
and politics.

Uncle Sam said, “I want you to serve” My every wish, shall be your command
So I carried a gun in my early youth working for my Uncle Sam.

I have a duty to my scarred and weary brothers
Who were raped in a land … far, far away
I have a duty and I have something to say.

My voice will ring out loud upon the land … I will stand up, I will be counted
Truly, I will be heard because, in a place called Viet Nam my brothers and I served working for my Uncle Sam

When I was young I carried a gun my Uncle Sam patted my strong back
He told me of the fine job my brothers and I had done, in a strange and foreign land

I know now that I have a duty to teach others of our mistakes
Regardless of what the politicians say
No matter how long it takes to effect a change.

Have a great weekend …


Last Words

Up early this morning, as is my habit, and I am reading where the state of Ohio has limited the amount of time a prisoner facing execution can have for his “last words.”  I have to admit, I am beginning to wonder if the entire country hasn’t gone loopy?

Loopy is by the way, an age old expression (that I just made up) to imply that your elevator is not running to the top floor.  Which this piece certainly will qualify.

The good folks in Ohio have imposed a time limit on the last words of condemned prisoners.  The new rule authorizes wardens to set what they call “reasonable restrictions” on the content and length of an inmate’s last remarks.  They got a little miffed recently because a convicted murderer apologized and recited the “Hail Mary” for 17 minutes.  I guess the warden was somewhat irritated, him missing the IHOP-BOGO (Buy One Get One Free Senior Citizen Discount Meal) opportunity at 3:30 P.M. or something.

We seem to be majoring in minor things here lately … Aren’t there more important issues concerning this country or the State of Ohio?  Excuse me, but do we really need this?

Not long ago, out in the Panhandle of Oklahoma, ranchers started to notice that a lot of cattle were missing.  It being fairly evident that a rustler was working the area, the local sheriff got up a posse and they started searching the hog backs and small canyons for the lawbreaker.

It did not take long, and he was found, along with several head of cattle that did not belong to him.

At that time it was decided by those in charge, that a little prairie justice would be served on this rustler.  So they sat out and located a suitable tree, a stately cottonwood that had stood in that spot for many a year.  Immediately after throwing a rope over the first limb, the sheriff looked at the poor little rustler and said, “Son, do you have any last words, before we string you up?”

The rustler looked the sheriff in the eye, and said, “No sir.  Go ahead.”

About that time, a preacher who was standing in the mob yelled out to the sheriff, “Sheriff if that boy don’t want them last words, I will take them.”  Well, this had never before happened, the sheriff taken back a little, looked at the rustler and said to him, “Son, do you have a problem with that preacher taking your last words?”

Again the rustler looked at the sheriff and said, “No.  Just one thing.  Hang me first, I have heard him preach before.”


Clear Blue Sky


Early in the morning, it is cool, not cold mind you, but cool.  That is nice, spring is in the air, it cannot be long now, but there is the distinct odor of burnt grass in the air, and another wildfire is taking its toll somewhere.  Very dry here, I cannot remember for the life of me, when it was that we received a good soaking rain, been awhile.

Another thing that I find somewhat disturbing is the color of the sky, there doesn’t seem to be any blue sky left anywhere, just this dingy Grey color, void of clouds and seemingly full of the pollution of man.

Back in the day, I would lie down in the grass and peer up into the summer sky, rich and blue, filled with white wispy clouds and I would imagine they were different animals or shapes.   I see a cow, and Indian, there is a ducky …… that kind of deal.

Now I look up and I see the remnants of yesterdays’ commute in Dallas, a cold dead gray sky, and no rain.

Getting Casual.

Another sign that spring is coming, the Idaho House waived its decorum rule for the rest of the season.  Members can take off their jackets and eat or drink on the floor of the House, they are just not allowed to smoke or spit, we can still do that here in Oklahoma, but it is evidently illegal in other parts of the country.

Not long ago I took a vow to lay off politics’ and religion on this site, and so far, I have managed to stay fairly close to the goal and within the self-imposed perimeters of good taste.  It is so hard to come in here each day and write something that is NOT political and I have adjusted to that.  It is as a matter of fact, a lot harder than I imagined it to be a few weeks back.

Mr. Obamma is going to be on the Tonight Show this evening, if you are so inclined, you can tune in there and get the straight poop from the head nin-com-poop!  Perhaps he will explain on how “giving A.I.G. billions which they in turn gave to the banks of England, Germany and France will help the AMERICAN economy” I cannot for the life of me, figure that one out.


U.S. Credit Card defaults rose in February to their highest level in 20 years, with losses particularly severe at American Express and Citigroup.  AMEX came in with 8.7% and Citibank at 8.3% what I cannot figure out is why is this so bad?  Even at those rates that means at least 91% of their accounts are paid up or paying on time, seems like a rock steady business figure to me.

All around me I hear the sound of money, but I don’t have a dog-gone nickel to my name, I see a light at the end of the tunnel …. Man, I sure hope it’s not some dog-gone train!  If counted out in $1,000 bills, a million dollars would be a stack of bills approximately 4″ high.  To reach a billion dollars, that same stack of $1,000 dollar bills would have to be 358 feet tall.  To reach a trillion dollars (and remember we are up in the 12/15 trillion range now) the stack would stand 67.9 miles high!


This could be the reason Americans are only getting an average of 6.7 hours of sleep on weekdays, down from seven hours in 2001.  Anyone see the news piece on the janitorial position offered in Massillon, Ohio?  The job paid about $15 per hour and 700 people showed up to apply for it.  Maine is forcing people to buy one of three license’s in order to increase revenue, latest to hit the list is canoeists or kayaking.  They want $3.50 for “boat lic.fees.”  Oklahoma increases the fee for electricity by some $8 per month, cable TV switched over to this new crap, and as usual, it cost us something, about $3 a month.

Point being, “You get a $26 increase in your income this month, I sure didn’t.”

This could be the primary reason Oklahoma and Utah now lead the nation in people hanging up landlines (regular telephone service) and switching over to cell phone usage (which we have been on for about five years, once again, ahead of the curve).  At least 26% of all households in these two states have got rid of regular phone service.  As times continue to get rough, medicine and groceries will fall beside the way, as the population searches for a way to cope.

But all hope is not lost.

Washington state this week passed a new same sex marriage proposal.  It would extend domestic partners all the rights and benefits that the state offers married couples under a measure passed by both houses.  Currently only married couples are mentioned including employment pensions, and public employee benefits.  Washington State is clearly stepping out into uncharted waters when compared to the rest of the country.


Another good news item is the James River in Richmond Virginia is now clean enough to swim in.  Now there is a novel idea, a river you can actually swim in.  Water tests showed that fecal bacteria had dropped to acceptable levels the Department of Environmental Quality said.  Which brings me to the obvious question:  “What is an acceptable level of poo-poo kaw-kaw nothing is acceptable to me, absolutely nothing is the level I want. anyway?” I mean, gee whiz, give me a break.  That is not acceptable in any way, shape, form or manner.

And finally.

If all this fails, you can move to California, where they are proposing to tax “pot sales.”  Now if you think about it, the nation’s pot heads have been paying a really high tax for years on this product, but it was to the Mafia or Organized Crime. 

Why not pay a tax to the local government instead, put the money in the hands of all those folks who KNOW how to spend it for your public GOOD.

Which gives us about $1 billion per year in added taxes revenue for all these tax strapped states that just cannot live on billions and billions per year in collected tax revenue.

Taxing Pot Heads … I Believe I have heard it all now.  A totally new meaning to the word “Reefer Madness.”

It is now time for me to close this off, head out to the front porch and maybe see if I can borrow some “medical marijuana” from my next door neighbor with the five dogs (the people who live two doors down on public assistance) . Mailman says every time he walks by there, they are out in the garage shooting pool on their cheap table with the crooked sticks, pumping out the rap on the boom-boxes and he says …. “I smell it, no doubt about it.”

Perhaps in the spirit of the day, they will share with me?

Twist one up and then I will sit there in the spring time warmth, and ask myself whether I want to hold the bowl of love or go out there in the Universe, in search of the meaning of life.  To do this with another person or do it alone, to feel that shield of love and glow that is incredible.  Again the nagging questions of life, to enter into another drug induced deep value introspective view of shallow relationships or just go back inside and watch The View.

Another wacky Thursday in a long line of run together crazy insane days.  When you give up religion and politics’ this is what is left ……. Not much.  Kind of like this bailout routine, this financial black hole we seem to find ourselves being sucked in to.  Think about it.



Enhanced Average Joe

Thought it was going to be a slow day, but it finally appeared. The first totally ridiculous statement of the morning.

I heard one today I had never heard before, “enhance the male experience” now that has to be a first. I have heard it called a lot of things during the course of my years, but I have to admit.

I have never heard it called that.

“Honey, come on in here, so we can enhance the male experience! Aw C’mon sugar, you have to be here for some of it. Please?”

Best I move on.

Can we build one for you?

The automakers are really starting to cry the blues. Many of them won’t survive what is left of this year. Almost 600 of the 2,000 dealers nationwide are out of business now, and they are losing about two dealers per day to lagging sales. General Motors credit arm GMAC now requires a credit score of 700 or better to finance a new car.  This is what happens to you when you consistently build vannila wafer, cookie cutter, fuel gulping cars … you slowly die.

Packin’ Heat In Oklahoma.

Gun advocates in Oklahoma want laws to allow carrying guns in plain sight. In Oklahoma residents can get permits to carry concealed weapons but cannot display guns openly. A signature drive is trying to change that. I suppose this means we will not be allowed to bring them to church?

A man ran for the office of sheriff in a small Oklahoma town. The day after the election he was spotted walking down the street, with a firearm strapped to his right hip. His neighbor said to him, “Carl, how come you are a packing that pistol, you lost that election for sheriff yesterday.” And he just smiled and replied, “A man with as many friends as I have in this town, ought to be wearing a gun.”

Listen up! Do we have a deal for you!

Campaign seeks next “Joe The Plumber.” Are you the Joe the plumber type? A regular American who doesn’t want Barack Obama to be president? If so, Republican nominee John McCain’s campaign wants to hear your story, in the form of a 30 second video that might be used as one of their television ads.

Now I can hear you giggling and snickering in the background and you are not buying a word of it. But it is true (Have you ever known me to lie to you? Don’t answer that question.) McCains team announced an “I’m Joe The Plumber” contest. Go to for details.

You could be the next average Joe to be chewed up and spit out by the Political Machine! Is this truly the land of opportunity or what?

We are all about labeling in this country, they are looking for “Average American’s” by their own admission but refer to them as Plumber Joe’s. Why is it we do this crap. Why is it that no one ever questions the use of thoroughly unnecessary terms such as “African American, Asian American, Hispanic American, to name a few.”

We are all Americans and we are not all plumbers.

Take me for instance, how come no one is looking for “Average-Angry-White-Taxpaying-Guy” because that is what I am … don’t know a thing about plumbing and that is a fact. A nation of people who cannot agree to speak the same language, make up modifiers to describe their brothers and sisters.

It’s easy take a shot at it: Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.  See, nothin to it.

How Do They Keep Their Shirts On With That Big Heart

Akron Ohio … “Who says big biz and the government don’t have a heart? Mortgage giant Fannie Mac this week said it would forgive the debt of a 90-year old woman who shot herself in the chest to avoid being evicted. She shot herself after deputies came to evict her from the home in which she had lived for some 40 years.

Book ’em Dano … Murder One.

Los Angeles California City police officers are more likely to stop and search black and Hispanic residents than they are whites, even though whites are more often found carrying guns and contraband, according to a report released by the American Civil Liberties Union of Southern California.

Only in California.

This is the same state that in 1989 had two school districts ban the book Little Red Riding Hood by the Brothers Grim. Was it because the Big Bad Wolf’s consumption of people seemed too violent? Nope. School officials thought the story might encourage children to drink because it depicts a bottle of wine in the basket Red takes to her grandmother.

You buy your tickets … Take Your Chances

Richmond Virginia. A technical problem with a new Virginia Lottery game may have led hundreds of players to believe they won bigger prizes than they did. Lottery officials caught the mistake in its Fast Play Super 7’s game after more than 2,300 tickets were sold. Officials blamed a software problem for the misprinted tickets and asked the Attorney General’s Office whether they must pay the expected prizes.

And finally, Green River Wyoming.

Sweetwater County is considering an ordinance that would spell out where sex shops could operate. The proposal also would prohibit sexually oriented businesses from advertising on signs placed on vehicles. Outrage over a sex shop sign posted on an abandoned school bus prompted the proposed changes. A sex shop is where you go to buy products that artificially enhance the male experience or fulfill your rubber fetish, whichever comes first.

Now if Y’all will excuse me, I need to go clean my gun (the one that does not require any kind of enhancement that is).


Parting shot: “It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for public office.”