Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

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Thanx Jim in WA.


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Duckies

Duckies

QUESTION:  “Is your life any better because of computers?

Tough question. Like my crazy Aunt Martha used to say … Don’t get me started. So is it yay or nay on the computer issue? Good or bad.

The marvelous, wonderful world of computers, where nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong.

A man, experiencing severe chest pains, goes to the local hospital. They feed his name and vitals into a computer, which promptly confuses him with another man who had died some eight months earlier, and the computer cancels his subscription to Field & Stream Magazine, turns off his electricity, water, and telephone without ever having bothering to ask.

Don’t talk to me about computers.

My computer in my truck senses that something is amiss in the system, I have a problem, it even goes to the trouble of turning on a warning buzzer and a lite on my dash, CHECK ENGINE flashes in front of my eyes. I stop, I open the hood, I check the engine. It is still there and I am hopeless lost.

Perhaps I missed the exit on the Information Highway or something, I am not a big fan of computers.

My clock radio is now smarter than I ever hope to be, and I don’t even know how to program the ____ thing! I tried loading a spelling checker into my hard drive back in ’98 and accidentally launched a nuclear missile attack on Norway … Don’t talk to me about computers.

You purchase a drill from Home Depot, they insert your credit card into the machine and swipe it, the lights in the building dim temporarily, and then instantly, you are charged for a complete Home Entertainment Center, with Surround Sound, and 48 easy payments.

All in a matter of seconds … a mere fraction in time. Computers’ isn’t technology grand.

I seem to be stuck in the horse and buggy age for some reason. I am locked down in the pre-computer age, an old fossilized Trantasouras Rex in limbo. I am still buying a Coke for a dime … Back when you opened the top of the Coke Machine and you slid the bottle down the long ramp, to the end, and then lifted it out.

Believe it or not, I still remember a gas pump where YOU actually pumped it in to this huge glass reservoir and then gravity did the rest of the job, getting the product to the tank in the car. At a very cheap and reasonable price of 15 cents per gallon.

How about the eight track tape, now that was an invention. Dunka Shane, oh darling Dunka Shane …. Whirrr, thunk-whirrr-KaThunk! Thank you for loving me today. Evaporative coolers (Swamp Coolers) the air conditioning of the fifties, remember that? Cool and wet on a hot day … M&M’s without the blue color, now that is odd huh?

Remember the old VCR’s, the first ones, that cost over $1,800 brand new, with a 24 hour timer and two speeds, non programmable. Pocket calculators were neat, when first introduced at something like $175 each! Man, I am so old, that I can still remember a dollar that was worth twenty-five cents and can recall when the National Debt was only calculated in the billions.

McDonalds’ used to give you change for a buck, I remember that, not any more. You cannot buy a “Rubber McMuffin” for less than $2.50 now days. It is getting where Ben isn’t worth a George anymore. That means … A hundred isn’t worth a dollar for all of you that are a little slow on the uptake this morning.

Computers and technology, all of this was supposed to free up our time, so we could do other things, wonder what actually happened to that grandiose concept? As for my part in all this, I have not noticed any perceivable increase in leisure time activities nor the increase of available time allotted to me to do other things, the things that I enjoy more.

Seems like I am always running late even with digital cell phone technology in place at sixty-five cents per minute, I am experiencing difficulty just keeping up.

We are living longer thanks to modern medicine, computers, antibiotics, nasal spray, Nintendo and Diet Coke. It has become quite routine for people to live in our civilized world past the age of say … forty … and even beyond.

Wow! Man walked on the moon in sixty-nine and that was, jeeze, over forty-years ago, can that be true? Where did the time go? Wonder how come we never went back?

  • A:> Hello?
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> Help?
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> Do something!
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> We want to go to the moon Dammit!
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> Please help?
  • B:> NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR – INVALID SWITCH-PATH NOT FOUND
  • A:> Return to help?
  • C:> WARNING! ALL DATA WILL BE LOST … ABORT, RETRY OR FAIL?

WELCOME TO CREATIVE ENDEAVORS, THE HOTTEST LOCAL SITE ON WORDPRESS.COM, YOU ARE NOW BEING ISSUED AN ENTIRELY NEW SCREEN NAME, PASSWORD AND SUPER-SECRET CODE FOR ACCESS, PLEASE FORGET EVERYTHING THAT YOU EVER KNEW ABOUT THIS SITE. IN ONE SECOND YOU WILL BE TAKEN BACK TO THE PAGE WHERE YOU CAME FROM OR CLEVELAND, OHIO …WHICH EVER COMES FIRST. PRESS ANY KEY TO RECEIVE SOME SATISFACTION.

Computers handling life’s everyday pressures, simply, efficiently, and conveniently for us. Effectively putting all our … uh … “stuff” … in one sock. This in turn gives us plenty of time to sit back, suck down cool drinks the size of Lake Michigan in the late afternoon, and contemplate what it is that we can do today.

Time to consider the important issues that confront each of us on a daily basis. Which it turn releases all this free time for us so we can have some fun. Well it sounds good anyway.

Good morning you poor soul, welcome to Heaven and the Pearly Gates, the Angel said. Please give me your access code and password …Nuts.

Technology, what would we do without it.

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What your computer does at night when you are asleep here.

Creme De Crude …

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: “Regardless of the vibe you think you’re getting from your dentist, you should never, ever, lick her finger.”

Arizona: Officers dispatched to what they thought was a domestic disturbance Monday night discovered a lone Mesa man fighting with himself. Though the original call reported a verbal argument between a man and a woman, police said they found the 21-year-old man arguing with himself, changing the pitch of his voice as he acted out each part.

The man was also destroying the inside of the apartment, officers said. He broke the front window as officers tried to calm him down and coax him out of the home, according to authorities.

Now let’s see. If you are crazy, they take you off to someplace like this guy, and shut you in a room by yourself. If you write a blog, you go off, shut yourself in a room by yourself and write. Hmmmm … Kind of like people who write in blogs everyday.

Denver, Colorado – Good news and bad news. First the good news, if you win over $1200 at anything, they are going to check to see if you are behind of child support or other pressing items, and divert the winnings to the mother and the kids that need it. This is great. Some help for all those girls struggling to make it on their own these days. It only took “five attempts” to pass this legislation, that is kind of sad isn’t it.

You cannot exercise your right to Free Speech at the Convention in Denver, they are going to erect a fence to keep you out. That kind of sucks huh? Getting where all this “I live in America, I can say what I want about anything” is no longer applicable. By the way, it was a ruling from a “Federal Court” that paved the way for this.

In a related item, half way around the world.

SYDNEY, AustraliaNew regulations making it a crime to annoy or inconvenience people gathering in Sydney during Pope Benedict XVI’s visit later this month were criticized Tuesday as a heavy-handed blow to free speech.

The laws will apply in dozens of areas of downtown Sydney — including the city’s landmark opera house, train stations and city parks — that are designated venues for World Youth Day, a Catholic evangelical festival at which the pontiff will conduct mass and lead prayer meetings.

The regulations give police and emergency services workers power to order anyone to stop behavior that “causes annoyance or inconvenience to participants in a World Youth Day event,” according to a New South Wales state government gazette. Anyone who does not comply faces a 5,500 Australian dollar (US$5,300) fine.

It costs big bucks down under to tell some to “piss off.”

Two young ladies (much too young to drive) in Salt Lake City are protesting the high price of gasoline. Their mother had to cut cable TV in order to purchase high priced gas and they are incensed at the idea of losing their cartoons and favorite shows. So they took some old political signs and lettered ’em up and are walking the streets in Salt Lake protesting.

Sad note, when children have to show the adults what needs to be done.

California’s administration of the death penalty is “close to collapse” and would require massive new state spending or changes in sentencing laws to end decades of delay and dysfunction, a state commission reported Monday. The average death row stay is now 20 years with appeals. Here in Oklahoma, we have a guard dress up in a clown suit, run thru the door and hit them in the face with a poison pie. Not very cool, but it saves a lot of money!

Where is the happiest place in the world to live?  Denmark, with its democracy, social equality and peaceful atmosphere, is the happiest country in the world, researchers said on Monday. Zimbabwe, torn by political and social strife, is the least happy, while the world’s richest nation, the United States, ranks 16th.

Overall, the world is getting happier, according to the U.S. government-funded World Values Survey, done regularly by a global network of social scientists. It found increased happiness from 1981 to 2007 in 45 of 52 countries analyzed.

They allow you to smoke pot in Denmark or is that Norway?

Speaking of pot (nice blend huh) California is trying to place an initiative on the ballot to legalize smoke (pot). Best get your investment portfolio updated to include Doritos’s and Hostess Cup Cakes. This thing passes and the sales of “Munchies” are going to go thru the roof.

The New West Coast Gold Rush.

And last but not least. Sioux Falls, South Dakota was picked as the safest city in the U.S. to drive. It won out over other cities “who were not included in the survey” (I am not making this up). When our mayor was informed of this development he was overheard saying to his staff ……. “Hey? Sioux Falls, South Dakota, has cars!”

Now go shut yourself in a room and write something funny for me to read. There isn’t a dog-gone thing on U-Tube today.

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