Crazy Ivan

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KISS ME I AM FROM VERMONT: Uh oh, it seems now that Gay people have really legitimately democratically and completely non-sneakily have won the right to marry in Vermont.  This surely isn’t going to make the Christian community happy in this country.  But Christians are free to disapprove of homosexuality, just as they remain free to disapprove of their neighbor’s alcoholism or adultery or bad taste in lawn ornaments.  They are also free to move to a country that enforces religious views or they can just hang out in Illinois.

An Illinois man whose wife has been charged with child murder says police have insulted Islam by releasing her mug shot.  She is charged with beating her two year old niece to death.  Her husband says the larger issue is that police took a mug shot of her without her traditional Muslim head scarf and released the photo to the media.  He said they are really going to be in “big trouble” for violating her modesty.

They live amongst us and they procreate.

THE BIG TICKET: So I am watching ESPN and the outfielder of the Pittsburgh Pirates or some other team (I am not a big sports fan) and he says, “The only way we’re going to improve is if we actually go out and get better.” And they willingly cough up millions per year for this?  This is why a family of four pays $411 for tickets to a ballgame in Boston, or it costs you $85 to sit in the cheap seats at NASCAR.

POOF!  YOU’RE TOAST: It is a bad week to be a squirrel in Spokane, Washington.  The city parks and recreation department has purchased the Rodenator, a device that pumps flammable gas into rodent holes and then ignites it with a spark.  The agency has called the method humane, since squirrels are instantly killed by the explosion.  And as an added bonus, “it automatically roasts their nuts!”  (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

IT’S ABOUT TIME: An overdue library book has finally been returned after 110 years.  Originally checked out by Mutt Baird, the 1,535 page Webster’s dictionary was from the Lyn Public Library in Ontario, Canada in 1899, but it was not returned when his family moved to New York State that winter.

Last week, his nephew, 83-year old Dale Fenton Baird Sr. of Denver, presented it to Orval Ladd, president of the Lyn Heritage Place Centre, in time for the center’s 225th anniversary.  The fine, in case you are wondering, if imposed would have been $9,000.

It was waived.

NO FREE LUNCH: A government worker in Bingham, New York, who had to stay at his desk during the recent massacre, wants compensation for missing his lunch hour.  He was locked down during the spree that left 14 other people dead.  He has since demanded that he be paid for the lunch hour that he missed.

What a guy, I mean really, what a guy.

ANGEL IN THE SKY: A Louisiana man was traveling with his wife and two daughters aboard a Super King turboprop when the pilot who was in charge of his flight blacked out.  The passenger then radioed air-traffic controllers in Miami, who guided him to a Fort Myers airport and talked him through the landing.

He has a pilot’s lic. but said the only thing he knew how to do up there was talk on the radio.  The pilot later was said to have died from a heart attack.  Talk about raising your stress levels and doing it quickly.  “When you stop screaming Mr. Smith, look out your right window, you should be able to see the airport, do you see it?  Mr. Smith?  Mr. Smith?”

BURGER KING EL GRANDE: These people never seem to learn.  Now Burger King has agreed to pull a commercial running on European Television after Mexico formally complained that it used a negative stereotype of Mexicans.  The commercial for the “Texican Whopper” shows a short wrestler dressed in a cape resembling a Mexican Flag.

The wrestler teams up with a lanky American cowboy almost twice his size to illustrate the cross-border blend of flavors.  Mexico’s ambassador to Spain said that “we have to tell these people that in Mexico we have a great deal of respect for our flag.”  He ought to move to the U.S. where they routinely abuse the flag by making handkerchiefs out of it, shirts, bathing suits, and other ridiculous articles of clothing.

No word on the new General Motors commercial that depicts the “Little House On The Cheebie” to run on Mexican television, updates on that later.

POSSIBLY RELATED: A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”

The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”

(thanks to Jonco)

THE DEGRINGOLADING RUSSIAN: Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed.  A Russian man who downed three bottles of vodka survived a 5 story plunge out a window to the street below.  After his drinking binge, during which he jumped out of his kitchen window and somehow survived the fifty foot fall.  He then staggered back upstairs, where his wife berated him for being an idiot.

It is nice to note here that “understanding wives” are worldwide; I just thought it was here at my house, but it appears they are everywhere. (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

Back to crazy Ivan.

The man then tried to kill himself again, “When I heard my wife screaming at me, I thought it was best that I left the room again – out the window.”  After medics treated him for bruises, he announced he’d decided to give up drinking.

Fortunately for us, we live in the bottom level of our duplex and jumping out of a basement window, isn’t conducive to harmful behavior.  Which is one reason I stopped drinking years ago, I just got awful tired of waking up on someone’s floor, especially in a house where I did not know the occupants.

That is a real bummer.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of Think Progress.online