So here it is 2009, seems like only yesterday it was 2008. Where does the time go? Here is another hopeless attempt at increasing my word count for the year and another unabashed plea to exploit my website to the world.
The “Official First of the Year” post, with one flaw, I believe this is the “third” but who is counting. I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
Much like that television character Howie Mandell, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. This year I turned the corner on good healthy eating and lifestyles, I now carry hand sanitizer bottles with me in several distinct flavors.
I am also my perfect weight for a person seven feet tall.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels and that just creeps me out. I told my next door neighbor about it while sharing important information over the backyard fence, and they now carry a sleeping bag with them on trips and sleep on top of the bed! (Well, I thought it was my duty to tell her about these things) I personally can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
Now lean back, close your eyes, find your happy place, see it?
Are you there?
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot). Another thing that really disturbs me is all these people doing it in their cars while parked at a red light, do you think you are invisible? Give the rest of us a break on these 3 minute booger breaks.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Definitely “no toe tapping in the public bathroom” I saw what they did to that Senator Larry Guy who did it, no didn’t do it, wait, I cannot make up my mind.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about microscopic bug poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. What was that other thing about paper cuts and amputations, I forget. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Then there is this thing about Dumb Okies who scratch their back in the Chinese Restaurant with their fork, and then turn around and stick it in the plate and eat. All of those who feel compelled to go to ChinaMart and shop in their pajama’s at 2:45 P.M..
I hate it here.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I collected 6 million pop-tops for some poor kind in Indiana and I tried my level best to recycle everything, despite the fact that the damn city I live in doesn’t do a thing for me.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. And there is, I am sure, a letter out there from Dick Clark and Ed McMahon that states that I am a clear cut finalist for the Clearing House Sweepstakes.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish. All I had to do was pass it on to a number of people on my mailing list, which equaled the population of say, Juneau Alaska.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. McDonalds too. As I am not real sure of what part of the chicken is the McNugget, I have given them up completely, don’t even talk to me about “Buffalo Wings.” Things have gotten so bad in Oakland California I hear they have a new meal out called the “Happy To Be Alive Meal.”
Detroit is running a close second, and Cleveland has announced this year that they have acquired Weapons Of Mass Destruction and if I don’t lay off the jokes, they are going to use them against me here in the Heartland, a sneak attack from the Rust Belt of the USA. Evidently there are no safe havens left in this country.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I now understand because you have sent me, over and over, literature explaining how it is alum-cans and underarm deodorants (alum/phosphates) are also linked to Alzheimer’s and something else … I forget.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. That Allah is the only true God and he can’t help it if all his dysfunctional children want to nuke me and kill my pets.
Because of your updates and concern, I am now able to tell if the Taliban are in my neighborhood.
- You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
- You own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
- You have more wives than teeth.
- You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean”.
- You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
- You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
- You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
- You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting bombs.
- You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
- You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
Baracks House Audio is either the very best song in the entire world or the absolute worst, depending on your geographical location and/or age at the time of response.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can dissolve toilet stains, remove blood at crime scenes, clean off 35,000 miles of road grease from a diesel engine. Same with the others, I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
And because of your emails I now know and understand that Bab-bo, Proctor & Gamble are really agents of Satan and that I should under no circumstances, buy their products. That monkeys and apes groom each other by picking off fleas and ticks. Then the eat them, which is not all that gross, because it is actually dead skin, not ticks or fleas.
But they do still eat it.
Which sounds gross, but then again, you think about the people sitting in their intersections in the civilized world, doing very uncivilized things, and it all kind of evens out.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life. But no one bothered to tell me about the egg deal and three minutes ……. Incoming!
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer look down for pennies in the parking lot, the boys on Wall Street took care of that. I am now thoroughly convinced that each and every time I see George Bush on television, that he is one of the Pod People and that the Mother Ship doesn’t want him back.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I now drink all of my soda’s and water at room temperature, damn that Al Gore.
I no longer shop at WalMart since they are Secretly Chinese and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have downloaded their recipe from Margaret & Helen’s comment page. THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid the brown recluse will bite me and my hand will fall off.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg probably placed it there. Which in my particular case, wouldn’t be all that bad, it has been so long now, I cannot honestly remember who it is that gets tied up.
I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies. Some have alcohol and some do not, some are pro American and the others are from the State of El Diablo or somewhere down south and they do not like Mom, Apple Pie or Home Improvement or Dancing With The Stars re-runs.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,047 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. Which would be infinitely better than having lunch with George Bush.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician, who was dating Joe The Plumber at the time.
Oh, by the way… A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their internet posts with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
Can you just imagine what 2009 is going to be like? The future is just as hidden from me as the past I can no longer see … We will see y’all tomorrow.
If you didn’t receive this article … Let me know.