Thanks A Lot

So here it is 2009, seems like only yesterday it was 2008.  Where does the time go?  Here is another hopeless attempt at increasing my word count for the year and another unabashed plea to exploit my website to the world.

The “Official First of the Year” post, with one flaw, I believe this is the “third” but who is counting.  I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.  I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

Much like that television character Howie Mandell, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.  This year I turned the corner on good healthy eating and lifestyles, I now carry hand sanitizer bottles with me in several distinct flavors.

I am also my perfect weight for a person seven feet tall.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels and that just creeps me out.  I told my next door neighbor about it while sharing important information over the backyard fence, and they now carry a sleeping bag with them on trips and sleep on top of the bed!  (Well, I thought it was my duty to tell her about these things)  I personally can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Now lean back, close your eyes, find your happy place, see it?

Are you there?

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).  Another thing that really disturbs me is all these people doing it in their cars while parked at a red light, do you think you are invisible?  Give the rest of us a break on these 3 minute booger breaks.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.  I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.  Definitely “no toe tapping in the public bathroom” I saw what they did to that Senator Larry Guy who did it, no didn’t do it, wait, I cannot make up my mind.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about microscopic bug poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  What was that other thing about paper cuts and amputations, I forget.  ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.  Then there is this thing about Dumb Okies who scratch their back in the Chinese Restaurant with their fork, and then turn around and stick it in the plate and eat. All of those who feel compelled to go to ChinaMart and shop in their pajama’s at 2:45 P.M..

I hate it here.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.  I collected 6 million pop-tops for some poor kind in Indiana and I tried my level best to recycle everything, despite the fact that the damn city I live in doesn’t do a thing for me.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.  And there is, I am sure, a letter out there from Dick Clark and Ed McMahon that states that I am a clear cut finalist for the Clearing House Sweepstakes.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.  All I had to do was pass it on to a number of people on my mailing list, which equaled the population of say, Juneau Alaska.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.  McDonalds too.  As I am not real sure of what part of the chicken is the McNugget, I have given them up completely, don’t even talk to me about “Buffalo Wings.”  Things have gotten so bad in Oakland California I hear they have a new meal out called the “Happy To Be Alive Meal.”

Detroit is running a close second, and Cleveland has announced this year that they have acquired Weapons Of Mass Destruction and if I don’t lay off the jokes, they are going to use them against me here in the Heartland, a sneak attack from the Rust Belt of the USA.  Evidently there are no safe havens left in this country.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.  I now understand because you have sent me, over and over, literature explaining how it is alum-cans and underarm deodorants (alum/phosphates) are also linked to Alzheimer’s and something else … I forget.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  That Allah is the only true God and he can’t help it if all his dysfunctional children want to nuke me and kill my pets.

Because of your updates and concern, I am now able to tell if the Taliban are in my neighborhood.

  • You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
  • You own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
  • You have more wives than teeth.
  • You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean”.
  • You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
  • You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
  • You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
  • You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting bombs.
  • You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
  • You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Baracks House Audio is either the very best song in the entire world or the absolute worst, depending on your geographical location and/or age at the time of response.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can dissolve toilet stains, remove blood at crime scenes, clean off 35,000 miles of road grease from a diesel engine.  Same with the others, I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

And because of your emails I now know and understand that Bab-bo, Proctor & Gamble are really agents of Satan and that I should under no circumstances, buy their products.  That monkeys and apes groom each other by picking off fleas and ticks.  Then the eat them, which is not all that gross, because it is actually dead skin, not ticks or fleas.

But they do still eat it.

Which sounds gross, but then again, you think about the people sitting in their intersections in the civilized world, doing very uncivilized things, and it all kind of evens out.

Snort!  Snort.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.  But no one bothered to tell me about the egg deal and three minutes ……. Incoming!

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.  I no longer look down for pennies in the parking lot, the boys on Wall Street took care of that.  I am now thoroughly convinced that each and every time I see George Bush on television, that he is one of the Pod People and that the Mother Ship doesn’t want him back.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.  I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.  I now drink all of my soda’s and water at room temperature, damn that Al Gore.

I no longer shop at WalMart since they are Secretly Chinese and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.  I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have downloaded their recipe from Margaret & Helen’s comment page.  THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.  I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid the brown recluse will bite me and my hand will fall off.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg probably placed it there.  Which in my particular case, wouldn’t be all that bad, it has been so long now, I cannot honestly remember who it is that gets tied up.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies.  Some have alcohol and some do not, some are pro American and the others are from the State of El Diablo or somewhere down south and they do not like Mom, Apple Pie or Home Improvement or Dancing With The Stars re-runs.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,047 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  Which would be infinitely better than having lunch with George Bush.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician, who was dating Joe The Plumber at the time.

Oh, by the way…   A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their internet posts with their hand on the mouse.  Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Can you just imagine what 2009 is going to be like?  The future is just as hidden from me as the past I can no longer see … We will see y’all tomorrow.

If you didn’t receive this article … Let me know.

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Monkey Business

I have always wondered about it all, the descent of humanity from the trees, back when we decided that being monkeys, while fun, wasn’t getting the job done. How did we take that leap into consciousness, and how on earth could we have been so shortsighted – or something like that.  IF man did truly ascend from the Apes then how come we still have apes?

If all these monkeys made it over to our side, and George Bush made it across, where are the rest of them?

I read an interesting treatise not long ago written by a guy in Colorado.  He said that perhaps a monkey, or a clan of them, got hold of some psilocybin, mescaline, or some other psychotropic herb, fungus or substance, ate it and had a sudden epiphany about how life should be.

What a lucky bunch of “Stoned Apes” who came down out of the forest and started following the deer and elk herds around the grassy plains.  Eating whatever they could kill or pluck. Stumbling on psilocybin mushrooms growing out of the dung of the ungulates, they naturally ate it. That changed their outlook, led them to invent language, and generally developed consciousness for a brief period of Nirvana-like enlightenment.

Of course, about 12,000 years ago the ‘shrooms disappeared, victims of climate change. We lost our psychedelic edge and, perhaps due to the influence of monkeys that never tasted the ‘shrooms, fell back into the bad old ways of nomadic, violent savages.

Well, I guess that could explain a lot of things, such as why we twice sent Ronald Reagan to the White House. It cannot have been coincidental that his most famous movie had a monkey as its central character.  I aired this theory with my spousal unit, who, while not entirely convinced, noted that it’s too bad that not all monkeys got a taste of psychedelicized (sp) enlightenment.

If they had, the world might be a better place.

Her assumption is that it is the descendants of the enlightened monkeys who now prefer organic foods grown on small farms, bicycles over cars, a life of exercise and outdoor fun over the kind of sloth and piggish-ness that seems to have gripped the culture, and the like.

Following that logical trail, if all the monkeys had munched on mushrooms, we might all be wearing sensible shoes and hemp clothing, buying hybrid cars or insisting on jobs within walking distance of home, refusing to eat the crap turned out by corporate farmers and their fast-food partners, and generally treating the planet with a little more respect.

Hey, it’s just a theory, but I kind of like it.

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Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.


Monkey Biz …

See No Evil Speak No Evil Hear No Evil

See No Evil Speak No Evil Hear No Evil

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: “There is not one single solitary shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is serious.”

Who wrote this stupid whacked out commercial that is currently running … “This is the generation that claimed it would never get old, and is now in the summertime of their blah-blah-blah?”

I am that generation and we never said any such thing. Every time they play that moronic nonsense I just want to pull my hair out!

JC Penny has taken a great movie, “The Breakfast Club”” (possibly a classic) and ripped it into some kind of cornball shumuckie commercial for back to school. Someone needs to send Penny’s a reality check.

California ― A Stockton security guard was able to lead police to his stolen car, three years after it was taken from him. It wasn’t terribly difficult: The car was driven right to him. “I had it for 12 years before they stole it, so it’s like a baby with a scar,” said Rakesh Singh. “I was like, ‘That’s mine.'”

(I mean, how Valley Girl is that Rakesh?)

Rakesh spotted his own stolen Mustang 5.0 while on his shift as a security guard in a Stockton parking lot, three years and five months after it vanished from his home. (Yeah, I know, but wait, it gets even better.) “I knew it was my car. The little curb bump, it leans the same way, the mud flaps are the same,” he said. He let the person driving it go into a restaurant, and then called police. They arrived quickly and set up a sting.

“We hid in the back,” Rakesh said. “It was so cool.”

Police arrested Alan Hernandez for allegedly stealing the Mustang, and then gave the car back to its rightful owner. The locks are broken, and the steering wheel needs to be replaced, but Singh is just happy to see it again. Please note the last name; I am pretty sure he didn’t have insurance either, well anyway that is how I am betting my money.

More than likely “just another good citizen of Mexico that came up here to improve his life and work for a living.”

MarylandBaltimore, has launched a citywide effort to educate the public on the dangers of high salt intake, which is associated with high blood pressure, particularly among African-Americans. In a city that is nearly 65 percent black, the risks of hypertension, which can lead to heart attack, kidney failure and stroke, are especially high.

That is always nice, when a city recognizes that all the other inner city problems are fixed and moves onto health issues.

Palo Alto California:  BIGFOOT BODY FOUND – EVIDENCE AND DNA DETAILS TO BE PRESENTED AT A PRESS CONFERENCE ON FRIDAY, AUGUST 15th.

You ever notice how much of the really weird and bizarre stuff comes out of California?  A body that may very well be the body of the creature commonly known as “Bigfoot” has been found in the woods in northern Georgia. Here are some of the vital statistics on the “Bigfoot” body:

The creature is seven feet seven inches tall.  It weighs over five hundred pounds. The creature looks like it is part human and part ape-like.  It is male.  (It is believed to have once been a Republican) The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.) I am fairly sure this is NOT bigfoot, but it kind of sounds a lot like my ex-wife, no wait, she moved to Florida in 78 ……..

Here’s your sign.

One more and then I am outta here.

This one too, from California, “it must really be a trip living in Caly-fornyuh dudes.” After Jonathan the orangutan escaped from his enclosure numerous times, the Los Angeles Zoo designed a state-of-the-art escape-proof outdoor habitat. They were so sure it would hold Jonathan, they arranged for local officials and reporters to witness his entering his new home for the first time ever.

The crowd watched in disbelief as the ape went straight to a tree, uprooted it, leaned it against a wall, and then climbed out.

Guess you need to be smarter than the monkey, if you want to keep him home*.

Remember, you read it here first.

000

* No animals, either real or imagined, Democratic or Republican, were harmed during the writing of this piece. My name is ……. And I approved of this message.