My Next Life

It is not easy to hit a home run all of the time, but you still suit up for the game regardless. Our youngest boy, a Baptist Preacher, doesn’t believe all of this is serious business, nor does he believe it will ever amount to anything.

He refers to it as “how’s your your little blog” or some other demeaning phrase used to describe the effort. But me, I love to drive my kid bonkers, I will look at him with that wry grin that I have and say “I am going to Chicago to talk with Oprah and jump on her couch.”

Man, he hates that.

Recently I read this piece in USA Today about “How do you want to be remembered?” Which I found extremely interesting and captivating. Ask yourself “What do I want to be known for? What makes me different?”

Think about the idea of what makes a simple person (such as myself or yourself) into someone famous and fills a need. But all of this got me to thinking about my life, this New Year, and what I have to do or accomplish in the time left for me in this period of my life.

You see, I don’t care if my kid doesn’t believe this is “serious business” or anyone else for that matter. My neighbor believes that it should be more Christian in nature and should preach the gospel more. A friend of mine says I am too rough on politicians and should lay off Republicans. My Internet provider doesn’t really give a flip as long as I shell out the eighty-one fifty per month.

So what do you do?

On some days, you step back take a long hard look at it and then you think. You know what … I really don’t care. I know in my heart and the core of my being that Creative Endeavors is working, it lifts a spirit every now and then, it helps in maybe the smallest of ways, it does something in this world that is positive and good, and that is fine with me. It is slowly and surely setting records, achieving the goals that I set in the beginning, so I like my “little blog.”

The USA Today article made me stop and think about things. In your or in my next life, what would we do differently, if we had it all to do over what would be different from what I have now. I don’t know. If we could change something what do you suppose it would be?

My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones. All the ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl thru. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten dungeon somewhere on level seven.

I have determined in my next life, that just shooting my enemies is really too good for them. That the artifact that is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be instead kept where it is handy, easy to get to in times of crisis, a place like my savings deposit box.

I will not in my next life, gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No — Thank you very much (always the gentleman, I will not be brave, just sensible)

And when I have successfully defeated and captured my adversary and he says to me, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?”

I’ll shoot him and then say, “No.”

In my next life, after I kidnap the beautiful princess, with a seductive smile and nice ta-tahs, we will be married immediately at a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

In my next life I will also never order or include any kind of self-destruct mechanism unless it is absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled.— “Danger. Do Not Push.”

I will not order my lieutenants to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I will do it myself. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will suffice just fine. I will be at all time secure in my identity and my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show that they pose no threat to evil.

In my next life I will not waste time making my enemies death look like an accident. I am not accountable to anyone and my other enemies would not believe it anyway. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy.” I simply will not choose to show it to any of them. In the interest of the public, all of my enemies will be cremated not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization. They will not be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress code, or don’t ask, don’t tell regime of thought.

The hero is not entitled to a “last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.”

We will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into action will be foiled. We will design all doomsday machines ourselves and if necessary we will hire a mad scientist to assist us, or at least consult with Al Gore beforehand.

These weapons will be known as “WMD” and will be mostly in the background or just plain made up and not real – the Rummsfield Rove Compact implied threat principle.

Much like the current administration in charge right now, I will never employ people as advisers, nor will I occasionally listen to their advice. I will not allow any one commercial by William Shatner or a re-run of the Survivor Series in my new life.

And most importantly, in the future. In my next life … “I will try and finish High School so I can make my little blog even better in the future.” If by perhaps chance or circumstance “something worthwhile or important happens between now and then” I will try to make note of it and write it down.

Before we head out to Chicago, I will let you know, so y’all can set your VCR’s.

000

think

Good News – Bad News

You ever get tired of television or the Sunday Paper telling you that your not as beautiful as you should be, or strong enough, or fashionable enough to fit in. You ever get tired of a constant steady stream of bad news on the airwaves.

Television news broadcasters assault us with story after story of how bad things are in the world these days.

If it bleeds … Then it leads. Seems to be the most popular approach to television news. Bad news is the new mantra of the twenty-first century. Get used to it.

Yesterday my next door neighbor, Marc, said to me, “If I hear one more sound bite on gasoline, McCain or Obamma. I am going to take a gun and blow my brains out!” I have to agree, on some days I am right in there with him on that.

By the time you reach age 18 it is estimated that you have seen approximately 200,000 violent acts on television, some of that includes murders, at about 16,000. Each of us deals on a daily basis with this kind of stuff and I figure over the years, just like anything else, it has to affect us.

Taking it one step further, I will go out on a limb here and venture that a great many of us have become “addicted to all this bad news” even though we are painfully aware it is no good for us, we still seek it out.

We have to have it. It is our elixir of life for the day.

Now one of these days I figure, things are going to turn around, and all of the news is going to be good for a change. Things are going to slow down in our favor, and life is going to vastly improve for the majority of us. Money won’t be tight, she will never have a headache, cable tv will be free.

(Hey? This is MY story, ok?)

What about those poor unfortunate folks who are addicted to nothing but bad news. They are going to miss it something terribly. That is why I have decided to print a “Bad News Paper” for all those folks who cannot stand to live without their daily dose of bad news.

The Bad News Gazette will contain: Negative thought, bad memories, hard times. Because they are addicted to it. They are going to miss all this, that is where I come in, I am gonna print a bad news paper. Having found themselves cruelly missing this, I will provide it for them. That I am afraid is the down side.

But here is the upside, I should make millions.

My 911 at-large-mobile-correspondent in Nevada, (Art) has come up with some possible headlines.  We feel as if these will be suitable for the first start off additions of the Bad News Gazzette, check out the new headlines here.

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You Can’t Touch This …

“A man who represents himself in a court, has a fool for an attorney.” Some guy recently busted for urinating in public did this very thing. Representing himself at trial, Mr. Huppe fired a colorful line of questions at the officer including, “Did you see me take my thing out and urinate?” and “Did you test DNA to see if it was my urine?”

Here is the part I like … Mr. Huppe shouted at the officer during the June 24 trial, “Swear on a Bible and say it was Mr. Huppe’s urine!” The officer testified he did not test DNA from the urine puddle. Then the judge ordered Mr. Huppe to “take a deep breath” and promised the verdict would be forthcoming.

My kind of guy.

BOULDER – A 25-year-old Boulder, Colorado man is in jail after police discovered he had been living on the roof of a T-Mobile store since December. Police say Luke Barrett pleaded guilty to trespassing and obstructing an officer after his arrest Friday. Barrett told officers that he was homeless and started living on the top of the building in December.

According to the T-Mobile store, employees had a suspicion that someone was living on the roof. Cleaning employees and maintenance crews said on two occasions they found and removed cushions, garbage and a sleeping bag from the roof. Now think about this. You are living on the top of a building in Colorado in the dead of winter?

It’s a wonder the guy doesn’t have frostbite.

Priceless … 6 year old Bennett Christiansen of Illinois was approved for a credit card with a $600 limit. The boy had accurately filled in an application, listing his birth date as 2002 and his income of $0. We had “plastic surgery here about five years ago” and that was the best thing that ever happened to us. No more credit cards, which in our case was a good thing. You know how to tell if you are over your limit, when you are standing in the line and the girl swipes your card, all the lights in the building kind of dim for a moment.

You are over your limit.

An Australian bridegroom was horrified to learn after he had walked down the aisle that he was already married — after a drunken holiday romance he could barely remember. The husband has had to confess in the Family Court that he spent 28 days partying and drinking in Arizona in 1978 on leave from his job as a cook on the oil rigs.

He can remember the “nice” blond American woman he met through a pen pal newspaper advertisement — but little more. “He has no recollection of going through any form of ceremony of marriage with her, or of discussing marriage, or of anything referable to marriage,” said Justice Sally Brown, who annulled the marriage last month.

Not only that, but the man, who describes himself as an old-fashioned romantic, was already married at the time — to his wife of 14 years. Yesterday the 67-year-old, who cannot be identified, told The Daily Telegraph “the sky fell in” when he was shown the Arizona marriage license. He married his Hawaiian girlfriend in 2006 and applied to live in Hawaii with her that U.S. immigration authorities broke the bad news.

A drilling rig in Arizona, C’mon? This has to be Media Fatigue, made up crap.

B’sides everyone knows, if you get drunk for 28 days in a row, you have to file a special permit with the EPA so they can tell you where to bury your liver!

This has got to be bogus; we need to get back to the “real news” in America.

The upcoming presidential election which will determine who voters hate more: Successful, attractive African-Americans or good ol boy mossbacks that smell like Old Spice and pancakes. Who gave the government “the right” to tell us what kind of light bulbs to buy. Why Al Gore still consumes 50% more electricity than the average American after extensive renovations to his Tennessee home.

Important stuff like that.

000


Just the facts M’mam, just the facts.

Just the facts M’mam, just the facts. Myrtle Beach, Florida, police are searching for a man who borrowed a vehicle to buy crack cocaine then stole the car, according to a police report. A woman told police she met the suspect in the parking lot of the Admiral Inn last week. After a 20-minute conversation, the victim allowed the suspect to take her 2008 Kia Spectra to buy crack cocaine, the report states.

The suspect told the victim he would give her some cocaine in exchange for letting him borrow the vehicle, the report states. The suspect told the victims he would return the car the following night but didn’t. The victim told police that the suspect was from North Carolina and was accompanied by two prostitutes when he took the vehicle. Man, I read the word “suspect” so many times in that piece, I thought it was written by a cop!

Two drunks were sitting on the curb and they were arguing. One looking up said, “I tell ya, that is the moon up there.” And the other one said, “Naw, you are wrong, that is the sun.” So they both agreed, “We will ask the next guy who comes by.”

A short while passes and a crack head walks up and the first drunk says to him, “Hey Buddy? Is that the sun or the moon up there?” The little crack head takes a big pull on his pipe, looks up at the sky and then says ……… “Uh, I dunno? I don’t even live around here man.”

Women in a northern Malaysian city ruled by conservative Islamists are being urged by the city’s authorities to forsake bright lipstick and noisy high-heels “to preserve their dignity and avoid rape”.  Pamphlets have been distributed recommending that Muslim women shun heavy makeup and loud shoes.

In Oklahoma women have another system, they don’t dress that way and they hang out at Buffet’s instead of bars. Pretty safe bet no one is gonna find them there. And to further protect, Oklahoma has a law for it. It is illegal in the state of Oklahoma for a person to have sex with a buffalo. Yeah, I know, you think I am putting you on.

Law Summary It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo.

37-537.2. Briefly it sez …. No owner, operator, partner, manager, or person having supervisory control of any establishment licensed to sell or serve intoxicating beverages shall permit any of the following on or about any commercial premises where intoxicating beverages are dispensed or consumed:

1. The performance by any person of acts, or simulated acts, of sexual intercourse, or any sexual acts which are otherwise prohibited by law; Any person to perform acts of, or acts which simulate, sexual acts which are prohibited by law, or permit any person to use artificial devices or inanimate objects to depict any prohibited activities or permit the showing of films, still pictures, electronic reproductions or other visual reproductions depicting any of the prohibited activities described in this paragraph.

Kinda nice to know you are being protected, isn’t it?  Now you know why they filmed “Dancing With Wolves” in South Dakota.

Okay I tried it. Alternative Transportation. I took a city bus downtown the other day to the VA and it is nine miles, and it only took 47 minutes and one dollar. There must be a better way. I guess I could have gone faster, but the bus operator told me it was “illegal” to leave the bus while it was still moving.

You are what you eat. At the Nevada State Fair in 2004, volunteers attempted to set a record for the world’s largest burrito. Ingredients consisted of 8,200 tortillas, 2,000 lbs of refried beans, and 1,000 pounds each of sour cream, cheese, and salsa.

The finished product was a mile and one-half long, and totaled about 8,433,200 calories. That would be enough calories to feed the average person for about eleven years. It also produced enough gas to run the entire city of Reno, Nevada for approximately 28 days.

A new report in Arizona has shed some interesting light on the existence of UFOs. According to KNXV of Phoenix, firefighters have been trained to handle UFO sightings and landings. The guidelines are listed in the Fire Officer’s Guide to Disaster Control. The book has an entire chapter on the subject called “Enemy Attack and UFO Potential” and lists possible scenarios for UFO encounters and even how to treat injured aliens.

And you thought today was going to be a boring day?

Beam me up Scottie, no intelligent life here.

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RELATED:  UFO Blather

The Key

The key to my survival

Was never in much doubt

The question was how I could keep sane

Trying to find a way out

Things never seem easy for me

Peace of mind here lately, hard to find

I need a place where I can hide

Somewhere new I can call mine

They say time is a healer

And now my wounds are not the same

I ring the bell with my heart in my mouth

To hear what he has to say

In a moment, your entire world can shatter

Like morning dreams and mist on the lawn they disappear

Like dust in my hands falling softly to the floor

How can life ever be the same

Or stay the same ever more

Like I said

Things never seem easy for me

Peace of mind here lately,

Awfully hard to find

I need a place where I can hide

Somewhere new I can call mine.

000

ONE MORE MOUNTAIN TO CROSS

Obamma Spamma

I got this Email yesterday that states, “matter of facilely” that Obammer is the Anti-Christ! I will spare you all the gory details, but here is a quote from it:

According to The Book of Revelation the anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal….the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything .”

Maybe it is me, having read the Bible on occasion, I don’t remember any mention of “Muslim” (descent) in there at all … The word Islam cannot be found in the bible and certainly not the word “Anti Christ.”  I don’t think I have seen anything in the book that is in all CAP’S either.

Someone needs to help me out on this one, I must be reading the wrong bible.

Kind of similar to “locking the barn door after the horse has got out.” This guy is already here; he’s in office right now, all of it except that “Muslim” part that is. You figure it out. We will give your three guesses and the first two, don’t even count. If you are a regular reader of this page, then you know how I feel. If you are not, then most likely, as you have astutely gathered I am not a big Obammer fan, but I don’t believe he is getting a fair shake on this one at all.

Now I did some research on it and this is what I found.

Illinoisans (that is one of them there fancy words for people who live outside of Chicago) were less likely to interpret the Bible literally. While 33 percent of all respondents said the Scriptures were the “word of God, literally true word for word,” only 27 percent of those in Illinois agreed.

Illinoisans (those folks who live outside of Chicago) were also more likely to agree that “there is more than one true way to interpret the teachings of my religion” and that “many religions can lead to eternal life.” And while Illinoisans (people who moved there from Dearborn Michigan, after GM shut down) pray as frequently as the rest of the country, they were less likely to report receiving answers to those prayers.

Now that has to be “true” ‘cause I read it on the Internet.

Meanwhile back at the Eastern Ponderosa …. The Senate was expected to approve possibly sometime this week, the biggest government program yet to tackle a deep housing market slump feared to be dragging the economy into recession. The legislation would create a $300 billion fund to help up to 400,000 troubled homeowners refinance costly, exotic mortgages into more affordable, government-backed loans.

It easily cleared a Senate test vote by an 83-9 vote on Tuesday. It was rumored that even Hillary was there for this one, but I am not sure.

“The most significant concern that we have with the bill is that it would provide for $4 billion to states to purchase already foreclosed homes,” Bush administration spokeswoman Dana Perino told reporters. “And our concern is that that just helps the banks, that it doesn’t help the consumers.”

So if you are some poor slob in Omaha, up to your rear in debt with a traditional mortgage and just trying to put some groceries on the table, this isn’t going to help you at all.

It is another perk for the rich. Biz as usual.

000

Things Are Pretty Good … No Really.

The wind is out of the south, like a blast furnace has suddenly fired up on the north side of Dallas and it has all blown an ill wind to my side of town.Hot here, and it is heating up as summer approaches. It was so hot here today, I saw a dog chasing a cat, and they both were walking.

Which just reminded me, only a few days and it will be July.The wheat is in, time to kick back, a holiday.Watermelon, potato salad, fried dead cluckers, and the Fourth of July, an American tradition.

Unfortunately it also brings another year of Oklahoma idiot news reports of dumb-bells blowing up tomato’s and assorted large items of fruit to point out the dangers of fireworks.Mini-documentary Videos of Okies buying the stuff, and then having the Oklahoma City Fire Marshall confiscate it when they cross the county line, happens every year.So you tell me, has there ever been documented proof of anyone “actually eating a sparkler?”

Give me a break.

A 21 year old tanning salon operator in Connecticut has been arrested and given two years probation for taking photo’s of teenagers in a tanning salon thru a ceiling tile in the roof.He did this with a cellphone (reach out, reach out, and bug somebody!), he told the judge that he was up there crawling in the overhead, using his cellphone as a light, to inspect wiring.(Yeah I know, and they walk amongst us, and they also procreate.)

Checking the wiring?Uh huh, sure.That is like, “in case of a water landing, your seat cushion will become a floatation device.”I believed that one too.

In case you’re interested, there is a way where you can figure out if you are living next to one of these perverts.You just go to Felonspy.com . After you type in your address, it pinpoints all the people close to your home that have been convicted of ANY felonies. Then you just click on the red pins/balloons on the map and it gives you the offenders name, age, and felony offense.

And don’t go typing my address in there that is not funny, and yes, the “pictures at the Post Office” have come down.

Trucking companies in Arizona are saying that thieves are stealing diesel fuel out of the trucks while the drivers are sleeping with “high volume pump devices.”This was formerly known as a garden hose back in the old days, now as we are in the 21st Century this has been changed to “high volume devices.”Here is a novel idea, buy some locking gas caps.Yawn.

My Daddy used to say on the annual trek back to Oklahoma in the 50’s and 60’s.He said he could always tell when he was getting close to Oklahoma.The wife would get bitchy, the kids started fighting in the car, and he had the urge to siphon some gas.

Back in the good ol’ days, eh?

The news tonight was the same old crap … 81.5% of the people you ask will tell you “We are on the wrong track, and things is bad man, really bad.”The public mood in this country is like a carton of eight day old milk left out on the kitchen counter, kind of sour right now.With the high price of gasoline, this debacle in Afghanistn and Pakistan, people are not all that upbeat.I believe the exact quote I heard last was something about “going to hell in a hand-basket?”

Unemployment isn’t all that bad, 5.5% that isn’t terrible, not good, but not terrible.Living standards from a historical viewpoint are the best they have been in recent years, things are, believe it or not, pretty good.But when you turn on the television, “the sky is falling … the sky is falling” and the mood is mostly somber.  I have been kind of concerned about it myself.(Some guy just the other day sent me an email that said, I sure wish you would stop whining about all this ______ .)

It occured to me, “if the news ever gets brighter, we are going to be in trouble.”  There is truly going to be a void in America (one of these days).Who am I going to blame for Global Warming, then there is the terrorism thing (that mostly did not happen but it could, any time now, according to the government), instability in the oil producing countries, oops, excuse me, “the middle east.”This invasion thing, supporting Israel, and/or pillaging the resources of the planet on an untold scale.

What I am going to do, if the news does a turn around, and everything is all of a sudden …. good?  Where will be my simplistic worldview of things then?

Luckily for me, my very own Charlie Sheen star is on the horizon and it is shining down on me.

000