Friday Markup

Lee Judge

Does history repeat itself:  Guns … Guns … Guns.  How quickly we forget.  It is not always guns … guns are not the problem.  Andrew Kehoe blew up a school bus in Beth Township, Michigan.  Kehoe also killed his wife and firebombed his own farm, all of this happening just as the charges he had placed under a local school went off.  

Which ended up killing 37 elementary school children and two teachers.  Then he drove to the school, in a car loaded up with shrapnel and detonated that, killing three adults, a schoolboy and himself.

 All of this happened in 1922.  

Three days later, Charles Lindbergh landed in Paris and completed his trans-Atlantic flight, the nation and the world quickly forgot about the worst diabolical act of home grown terrorism and worst massacres in U.S. History. 

Barn Burner:  Yesterday’s post, Stumped In Oklahoma went over 1,700 views in one day period, that is kind of amazing.  You keep on chopping, day after day, and the chips keep flying, and then every now and then, you hit one out of the park.  Who would have thunk thet?

“Handpicked highlights brought to you from the wordpress editors”  …  Our friends over at Fresh Pressed have put up a real head-banger, 3,700 words on a Gay porn star who has committed suicide and the possible reasons for this.  Uh huh … sure.  Fully believing that people will believe the truth when they hear it, here is the bottom line.  People who commit suicide are selfish, and they are only thinking of themselves, not the people they left behind to mourn. 

022412

Gasoline The New Gold Standard: The price of gasoline has increased .50 cents this month, today is the 36th day it has increased in price, and I fully expect it to continue to spiral out of sight (Who is going to stop the carnage?).  At the current rate, if it is to continue at this accelerated pace, a gallon of gas should be somewhere around $8.40 a gallon by Christmas.  

 If you want to read more on it, here is a link.

Sitting on the dock of the bay:  I keep thinking about these two old boys, sitting on a boat dock in Alabama, and hurtling thru space is a chunk of rock, big as a bus, moving at 33,000 miles per hour.  What do you think the expression is going to be on their face when that monster rock plows into the pond they are fishing in?  I am sorry …. but it just makes me smile.  Here is something else I found amusing this week.

Sweet Dreams:  You ever lie in your bed, that special early time in the morning, where you are not exactly asleep, but you still have your eyes closed?  I have just had another nice dream, one of those sweet dreams, where you just don’t want to open your eyes, and lose the image in your brain that has brought you release from the trials of life.  

In my younger days, my mom would call them Happy Dreams, and we will leave it that.  Anyway, she was there, Penny from the Big Bang Theory and she shared some time with me last night and I just don’t want to get up, I don’t want to open my eyes.

imgres 

 Which is a lot, lot better than those other dreams.  

Y’know, the one’s where you are naked and walking backwards in the dark, and you brush up against a warm buttered doorknob, don’tcha just hate those kind of dreams?

Have a great weekend.  We are headed into round three of winter weather and most likely will be shut in, napping our day away and of course ….. dreaming.  (heh-heh)

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of American Progress Online
 

Most read this week on Creative Endeavors:

Home page / Archives  
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)  
Negative Ruminations  
Wow … Wow … Oh Wow!  
Take Your Pick  
Wood Ice Chest  
Lover’s Day  
Truck Month – Stumped In Oklahoma  
House Battery Workover  
50 Plates For My Brother (audio)

It Is Right Here In My Who-Hah

(Because of the adult subject matter, there will be no photo’s accompanying this post)

Now listen buster, take your hand out of there and leave my girlfriend alone!

TULSA, Oklahoma – A woman armed with two weapons including a flare gun robbed the Med-X Drug Store at 1714 Utica Square early Saturday.  Tulsa Police say the woman went into the pharmacy at about 5:30 a.m. She had a black semi-automatic handgun and a flare gun, she then demanded both pills and money from the register.

On her way out the door, she fired the flare gun into a chair. No one was injured, and the flare gun did not start a fire, police say.  The woman got into an older black SUV with a driver waiting behind the wheel and left the scene.

I suppose laughing her a** off hysterically.

Here is a question for all you lurkers and Internet trolls out there.  What is the pre-occupation with Rachel Ray and her breasts, half the searches on my site are for this.  That … and bikini’s …. It is truly is a sick world we live in these days.  For the record I do not ever remember any items concerning Rachel or her tah-tahs.

While we are on the subject of the female anatomy.

This could be a serious drug problem, I dunno.  When questioned at the police station the woman replied, “Yes officer, I have some Oxycontin in my “who-hah” … Would you like to remove them or shall I fish them out for myself?”   Oh I am sorry, are you allowed to use the word “Who-hah” when describing female genitalia on the Internet?

I know the word “vagina” and “vasectomy” are now banned in Michigan, where two Democratic women in the Michigan House of Representatives, who used the words “vagina” and “vasectomy” while debating an abortion bill, had their privilege to speak withdrawn for a day on Thursday.  I have never been to Michigan, but from what I read, it appears to be pretty lame.

Maybe we should just use the word girlfriend?

“Now listen buster, take your hand out of there and leave my girlfriend alone!”

That might work.

Charlie Sheen (not his daddy Martin) is scheduled to play the president of the United States in an upcoming event.  I guess the basic question would be, “Haven’t we already had enough of a coked up son following his father in politics?”

Thanks a lot department.  Hope this Email catches you in time! 

Please send this warning to everyone on your Email list.  If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!  They only want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday … I feel so stupid.

Entertainment Today had a little chit-chat with comedian/actor/Robin Williams at a ceremony and had a few grumblings about the apocalypse and its associated signs, some of which are apparently associated with Britney Spears.  Then he said this about Spears’ fiancé/manager Jason Trawick being added to the singer’s conservatorship: “That’s kind of a double bill. It’s like having your dealer as your therapist.” (Nice shot of J-Lo on the same page)

When I worked on the railroad and I would have anger issues with my boss, they would send me to the therapist.  He would then say to me, “What is it that you do for a living?’ and I would reply, “I work on the railroad.”  He would then say, “Okay, hang off the side of the couch and tell me what is bugging you.”  More on Britney here, I don’t know about her underwear, her new video is a real yawner.

What do you do If you find yourself stranded in the desert, running out of water and food?  Well silly, you build a motorcycle out of your non-running car and ride it to Wendy’s.

Here is another one, one of those thinking outside the box moments.

The other day I intently sat here completely mesmerized and watched a bridge moved on an episode of “We Are Going To Move This Incredibly, Huge, Holy Crap, look at the size of that Godzilla Sized Steel Stuff” on the Discovery Channel.

And it occurred to me:  “If we are capable of moving a 5 million pound bridge, on several barges with tugboats, upstream 16 miles, to two pre-cast already constructed concrete pillars and then placing that bridge on the site and everything fits.  Then why can’t we build a car that gets more than 50 mpg?”

This was indeed done back east recently, it did happen.

Lookie there, two cups of coffee and it is only 8:00 a.m..  I haven’t done a dog-gone thing today … That means the wife is dead wrong … I am getting better at this.

OOO

[#1283]

They’re Gonna Love Me At The Home

Wednesday!  Hump Day for a five day a week wage slave working for min. wage in the Great State Of Oklahoma.

This new routine I have established, certainly is working in my favor.  Even all the sorry news in the headlines are not bothering me at all.  It has been nice … But every now and then you just got to WRITE SOMETHING I suppose. 

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. 
 In Los Angeles they say “it is ten P.M. are the children in bed?” in Okie City, they say “It’s ten O’clock Y’all get them youngin’s tucked in.” and in Salt Lake City they say …. “Its ten P.M. does anyone know what time it is?” 

Incredible week on tap.  Things just kind of slip-by as you grow older.

When we get older we think differently, don’t we? I don’t care for the expression “Senior Citizen” being applied to me, I would of course prefer something more modern and up to date for my descriptive moniker. 

Something like …. Recycled Teenager … Yeah, I like that.  I like that okay.

This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a**.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes

One of my favorite movies was on this past weekend, The D.I. (The Drill Instructor) starring Jack Webb.  It is a classic in every sense of the word, and I am a sucker for it, every time it comes on, I sit back and watch it repeatedly, over and over.  It is the Dancin’ With Wolves of the Military affectionados.  Full Metal Jacket is another one, it was on Saturday and Sunday was the D.I. so it was a good weekend for me.

Which reminded me of this.

 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

No good huh?

Okay, how about this?  This is my neighbor, she lives right up the road.

I can see her house from my living room.  I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.  She knocked on my door…I rushed to open it.  She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time tonight, I feel like I might want to get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to Walmart and pick up these things that are evidently needed in our home, according to the list, I found on the kitchen counter this morning.  Perhaps I will get lucky and be the fourth person deep in the express line and get to guess what the people who’s credit card will not approve the sale are going to let go of (items they will have to put back so that they might leave). 

Undoubtedly, hands down, one of my favorite games to play while at WalMart, this and “where did I put my driver’s lic. it was just here the other day?

Like I said … IT’S NO FUN GETTING OLD … And they are just going to LOVE ME at the home.

OOO

Related:  Four Blue Hills  Tell Me This Won’t Happen To Us.

[#1204]

 

Cry Me A River

Middle of the week, kind of snuck up on me again.  Already the sixth of the month, and this one appears to be another “barn burner” and well on its way.  Hold on, grab something, the ride is now underway.

It is now time to talk about everything that is fit to print, or causes fits in print, or whatever.  If you come across something that disturbs you, just hit the button and your problems are solved.

An Indiana woman is suing Carnival Cruise Lines because she got seasick on her vacation.  She alleges that due to the speed of the ship she became very sick.  She insists the sea-sickness was not her fault, saying “the ship was moving so fast that everyone on board became sick, even the workers.”

Uh huh, sure.  That dawg aint gonna hunt as they say in Atlanta.

Have to go to the store and purchase groceries today, don’t look forward to it any more.  The cost of everything has risen so quickly and money doesn’t even slow down when it gets to me.  We always have more month than we have money around here.  This month however, we had an unexpected upturn in funds in the mailbox we are a little flush in the chips, could be time to splurge and treat myself to something nice.

Might swing by Target and get me a cup of caffeine enhanced Starbucks go-go juice.  I sure don’t know what it is that they put in their coffee, but it sure “jump-starts my day” every now and then.  Santa Fe Springs, California, enjoys the world’s highest concentration of Starbucks outlets.  There are 560 Starbucks stores within 25 miles of town.

Just follow the wide-eyed, well tanned, big bosom girls, they can lead you to where the coffee pit stops might be.

Also have to pick up the Lottery Tickets, Wednesday is the day all of us suckers plunk down our hard earned cash to buy into the option (or dream ) of being rich in this country.  I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich … but I wouldn’t mind smelling bad. Only four in ten American millionaires do not feel wealthy, according to a survey of more than 1,000 millionaire households by Fidelity Investments.

To feel wealthy in America, the survey found, millionaires require $7.5 million in invest-able assets.  That is up from $5.6 million a few years back.  The median U.S. household income in 2009, in case anyone is wondering, was $49,777 which is a far cry from $7.5 million.

A craft brewery is suing Michigan’s state liquor board for denying a license to it Raging Bitch beer.  Flying Dog Brewery points out that the board previously approved its Doggie Style and In-Heat Wheat beers, and claims a free speech right for the bitch label.

The commission, however ruled that the name and depiction of an angry female dog on the bottle’s label were detrimental to the “welfare of the general public.”  All of it is kind of silly, I drink Sweet Bitch, which is a wine out of South America, all of the time.  But then again, I don’t live in Michigan (thank gawd for that).

Then again, if you are in trouble or detrimental to the “welfare of the general public.” There is hope on the horizon, all you have to be is “be famous.”  Texas prosecutors offered to let Willie Nelson pay a small fine to settle marijuana possession charges if he agreed to sing   “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” in court.  “I am not gonna be mean to Willie Nelson,” said prosecutor Kit Bramblett.

I could sing “Cry Me A River” but I would still have to pay my fine to the bailiff on the way out the door.

You can now start your own Navy, after U.K. Ministry of Defense announced it would take bids on a decommissioned aircraft carrier, the HMS Ark Royal.  Bidders have to outline their “intention regarding the vessel,” which would never fly in America.  We just build ‘em and then turn them loose on the rest of the world.   “Intentions” I guess could be defined as “Foreign Policy” and it quite apparent to anyone around here … We don’t have one.

It has been awhile, anyone remember the now “infamous Weapons Of Mass Destruction” (WMD’s) from the Bush Administration years?  Well, they say if you preach about something long enough, it will eventually come home to haunt you.  This past week, one of Mr. Bush’s chickens came home to roost.

A terror suspect pleaded not guilty to a charge of attempting to build a bomb, which he allegedly considered deploying at the Dallas residence of Former President George W. Bush.  He came to Lubbock Texas on a student visa in 2008 and was arrested in Feb after ordering a suspiciously large shipment of a chemical used to make explosives.  He should have known, this only works for the coyote in Road Runner cartoons, and he always orders from Acme.

By the way, this guy was one of “our friends from Saudi Arabia.”

They do advertise on television “Come to Texas, it is like a whole other country, Y’all.” They appear to be ahead of the rest of us, terror in the Lone Star State is alive and well in Lubbock of all places.  So much for jihad in Texas.

And you thought it was going to be just another Wednesday …..

OOO

Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.


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Duckies

Duckies

QUESTION:  “Is your life any better because of computers?

Tough question. Like my crazy Aunt Martha used to say … Don’t get me started. So is it yay or nay on the computer issue? Good or bad.

The marvelous, wonderful world of computers, where nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong.

A man, experiencing severe chest pains, goes to the local hospital. They feed his name and vitals into a computer, which promptly confuses him with another man who had died some eight months earlier, and the computer cancels his subscription to Field & Stream Magazine, turns off his electricity, water, and telephone without ever having bothering to ask.

Don’t talk to me about computers.

My computer in my truck senses that something is amiss in the system, I have a problem, it even goes to the trouble of turning on a warning buzzer and a lite on my dash, CHECK ENGINE flashes in front of my eyes. I stop, I open the hood, I check the engine. It is still there and I am hopeless lost.

Perhaps I missed the exit on the Information Highway or something, I am not a big fan of computers.

My clock radio is now smarter than I ever hope to be, and I don’t even know how to program the ____ thing! I tried loading a spelling checker into my hard drive back in ’98 and accidentally launched a nuclear missile attack on Norway … Don’t talk to me about computers.

You purchase a drill from Home Depot, they insert your credit card into the machine and swipe it, the lights in the building dim temporarily, and then instantly, you are charged for a complete Home Entertainment Center, with Surround Sound, and 48 easy payments.

All in a matter of seconds … a mere fraction in time. Computers’ isn’t technology grand.

I seem to be stuck in the horse and buggy age for some reason. I am locked down in the pre-computer age, an old fossilized Trantasouras Rex in limbo. I am still buying a Coke for a dime … Back when you opened the top of the Coke Machine and you slid the bottle down the long ramp, to the end, and then lifted it out.

Believe it or not, I still remember a gas pump where YOU actually pumped it in to this huge glass reservoir and then gravity did the rest of the job, getting the product to the tank in the car. At a very cheap and reasonable price of 15 cents per gallon.

How about the eight track tape, now that was an invention. Dunka Shane, oh darling Dunka Shane …. Whirrr, thunk-whirrr-KaThunk! Thank you for loving me today. Evaporative coolers (Swamp Coolers) the air conditioning of the fifties, remember that? Cool and wet on a hot day … M&M’s without the blue color, now that is odd huh?

Remember the old VCR’s, the first ones, that cost over $1,800 brand new, with a 24 hour timer and two speeds, non programmable. Pocket calculators were neat, when first introduced at something like $175 each! Man, I am so old, that I can still remember a dollar that was worth twenty-five cents and can recall when the National Debt was only calculated in the billions.

McDonalds’ used to give you change for a buck, I remember that, not any more. You cannot buy a “Rubber McMuffin” for less than $2.50 now days. It is getting where Ben isn’t worth a George anymore. That means … A hundred isn’t worth a dollar for all of you that are a little slow on the uptake this morning.

Computers and technology, all of this was supposed to free up our time, so we could do other things, wonder what actually happened to that grandiose concept? As for my part in all this, I have not noticed any perceivable increase in leisure time activities nor the increase of available time allotted to me to do other things, the things that I enjoy more.

Seems like I am always running late even with digital cell phone technology in place at sixty-five cents per minute, I am experiencing difficulty just keeping up.

We are living longer thanks to modern medicine, computers, antibiotics, nasal spray, Nintendo and Diet Coke. It has become quite routine for people to live in our civilized world past the age of say … forty … and even beyond.

Wow! Man walked on the moon in sixty-nine and that was, jeeze, over forty-years ago, can that be true? Where did the time go? Wonder how come we never went back?

  • A:> Hello?
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> Help?
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> Do something!
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> We want to go to the moon Dammit!
  • BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
  • A:> Please help?
  • B:> NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR – INVALID SWITCH-PATH NOT FOUND
  • A:> Return to help?
  • C:> WARNING! ALL DATA WILL BE LOST … ABORT, RETRY OR FAIL?

WELCOME TO CREATIVE ENDEAVORS, THE HOTTEST LOCAL SITE ON WORDPRESS.COM, YOU ARE NOW BEING ISSUED AN ENTIRELY NEW SCREEN NAME, PASSWORD AND SUPER-SECRET CODE FOR ACCESS, PLEASE FORGET EVERYTHING THAT YOU EVER KNEW ABOUT THIS SITE. IN ONE SECOND YOU WILL BE TAKEN BACK TO THE PAGE WHERE YOU CAME FROM OR CLEVELAND, OHIO …WHICH EVER COMES FIRST. PRESS ANY KEY TO RECEIVE SOME SATISFACTION.

Computers handling life’s everyday pressures, simply, efficiently, and conveniently for us. Effectively putting all our … uh … “stuff” … in one sock. This in turn gives us plenty of time to sit back, suck down cool drinks the size of Lake Michigan in the late afternoon, and contemplate what it is that we can do today.

Time to consider the important issues that confront each of us on a daily basis. Which it turn releases all this free time for us so we can have some fun. Well it sounds good anyway.

Good morning you poor soul, welcome to Heaven and the Pearly Gates, the Angel said. Please give me your access code and password …Nuts.

Technology, what would we do without it.

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What your computer does at night when you are asleep here.

Down At Sea … Bad Gas.

Nothing new or noteworthy out of the Obammer camp this week, he hasn’t walked on water or learned how to fly at this point. But given time, I am sure something will come up. Some recent polls show Obamma clearly in the lead in thirteen states, and according to an Obammer political spokesman, “this is part of our 57 state policy.”

McCain is back from his Straight Trade Express and who knows what he was up to?  From a purely political perspective, his foreign travels, a trip to Canada last month, recent trips to Colombia and Mexico, make little sense.  There are no votes to be had, and touting trade, which seems to be part of his mission, might not be the most opportune way to find the votes he needs.

This isn’t the best way to win over the swing votes he needs in states such as Ohio and Michigan, from which employers have fled in pursuit of cheap labor outside the U.S..

Now here is something interesting.  You cannot believe everything you read or see anymore.  Look at these two shots of a “supposedly recent Iranian Missile Launch.”  One was alleged to have occurred this week, and the other is pre-Saddam Hussein.

Notice any similarities?  Looks like someone is trying to “BS” us into another altercation in the Middle East to me.  Just what we need, another war, we cannot afford.  Let us hope not.

A tug boat at sea, has found the missing Brazilian Priest:  This is the priest, who you may recall, on April 20th after a mass, took off in his lawn chair air balloon setup and was never seen again, his last contact was a desperate attempt to learn how to use his GPS and communicate his position as the wind took him deep into the Atlantic Ocean.

The body of the priest was found yesterday by the Anna Gabriela, a tug working for Brazilian oil company Petrobras, 683 miles (1,100 kilometers) from Father De Carli’s starting point. His last known communication was as follows: “I need to contact someone who can teach me how to operate this GPS, so I can give the latitude and longitude coordinates, which is the only way that people on the ground can know where I am.”

I don’t speak Portuguese, but I think it translates like this: “I am up to my rear in alligators, now someone tell me how to drain the swamp.”

This sounds like awful poor planning to me. There was another guy in L.A. who told officials that he was just tired of his “hum-drum life” that pulled this very same stunt, and he survived, only to be arrested and fined for entering restricted air space. Pilots were reporting him at altitudes exceeding 1,000 ft. and in the flight path of the L.A. International Airport. He tied the balloons to a lawn chair and took a BB Gun with him to shoot them out as needed to maintain altitude.

Yeah, I know, depressing.

Take a break, follow this link and watch the Schweppes video, that will cheer you up.  This is the most spectacular photography that you will ever find anywhere, I don’t know how fast these camera’s are, but they have to be super-charged to have done what they have done.  (Isenbeck and the horse shot is pretty amusing also)

See you in a little while.  You are coming back, right?

Men with girlfriends have more sex – yeah, no lie. You could write 50 articles about bunny rabbits, roses, housewarming parties, lawn care, but nothing, absolutely nothing will give a male a testosterone rush like a headline with “S-E-X” in it.

One of the most popular items I ever posted was called “Dumb Sex” (March 08) and it had nothing to do with sex at all (other than the title) but man you should have seen the hits it got!  So quite naturally, because I am a dues paying member of the Dirty-Old-Man’s Club, this item caught my eye.

Men with girlfriends have more sex.

Now this is one survey I would have loved to been a willing participant in, but unfortunately, the Old Geezer Section was already filled. It was called, “Men who are old as me don’t remember what sex was” or something like that, I quickly scanned it and then went back to my Baby Ruth candy bar.

This article basically said that “If you had a girlfriend bro, then you are more likely to be uh … satisfied and happy … yeah, that is what it said.” This one came out of Canada by the way.  Also discovered quite by accident, a related story about a guy being molested in a park, a guy, not a girl.

Kind of weird, usually the other way around, maybe Big Foot is horny or something.  Can you say Horny on the Internet?

A 40 year old man dove into a swimming pool, hit his head, and “all of a sudden becomes a concert pianist.” He had never played the instrument in his life, and now seems to be consumed by it. This is not as strange as it seems, my uncle Martin while walking thru his yard, stepped on a garden rake, it came up hit him between the eyes, and he has been dressing in womens’ clothing ever since.  Most of the time it is no big deal, but kind of hard to explain when company drops by.

Booming demand for flat-screen televisions could have a greater impact on global warming than the world’s largest coal-fired power stations, scientists warn. A greenhouse gas called nitrogen trifluoride, used to make the TV’s is, 17,000 times more potent than carbon dioxide, according to the director of the environment institute at the University of California, Irvine.

But no one yet knows how much of it is being released into the atmosphere by industry, a report in Britain’s The Guardian reported. This newly released research shows production of the gas, which remains in the atmosphere for 550 years, is “exploding”.

This is some really Bad Gas.

And you thought uncle Frank and his never ending “C’mere kid and pull my finger joke ” was bad at Thanksgiving Time.  This appears to be much, much worse I am afraid.

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