Don’t ask me why.

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Here we go, get ready, another dose of Early Morning Magic.  Well, it isn’t really magic, just another day, as a matter of fact, “I do this all the time.” 

It has been reputed by some that I cannot live without it, but that is not true.  Things I cannot live without are:  flushing toilets, showers, fresh vegetables, halter tops, Asian-girl-on-girl porn, mediocre bus meets in Pahrump Nevada, and this.  Well this is five or six on the short list of what I cannot live without.

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Me Fix … You see.

  Men are so stooooooopid. 

You catch that? 

Men are so stupid.  There I said it again.  A friend of mine is down with the flu and someone suggested to him that he might have to go see a doctor, as it has been awhile.  His answer just about blew me outta the proverbial boat, he said:  “Since they all stopped speaking English, I stopped going to see them.”

Which I found amusing to say the least.

In Oklahoma there is actually a program in place to hire foreign doctors in the Panhandle because of the scarcity of hospitals and good medical treatment in the small towns of the plains.  Kind of like that show that was on a few years ago, “Northern Exposure.”

Most likely my friends’ medical provider would be the VA (Veteran’s Administration) as they sort of run the gauntlet of foreign doctors.  You can find Pakistani, Indian, Asian, you name it, they have it.  My doctor at the VA was named Dr. Lau (pronounced Low) and he at times drove me nuts.

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Dr. Lau was a little guy, about 4’6” maybe 110 lbs soaking wet, and spoke “broken English.”  He had a special way of staring right thru you and sort of looked nervous at times.  Reminded me of that crazy cab driver in the Philippines in sixty-five that tried his best to kill us before we even got to the end of the pier. 

He would walk into the room, in his white frock, looking like a midget sized mad scientist, look at me and say … “Whut sugar blood?” and I would say …. “Huh?” 

He would then repeat it .. “Whut sugar blood?” … at that time I would lean in, real close, and say to him …. “Repeat it ONE MORE time, this time very slowly Doc.” 

He then would say, “You know speak Engrish?” 

We finally figured out he was asking … He was trying to say “What is your blood sugar.”

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First time he gave me a prostate exam, he had me bend over and he lubed up and then proceeded to stick about three feet of broom handle (well, it FELT like a broom handle) up my wahzoo.  I looked over my left shoulder, caught his attention, and said, “Hey?  Aren’t you supposed to buy me dinner first or something like that?”

He jumped back and said, “That not funny.” 

Maybe so.  But he always wanted to do it, each visit, out came the rubber gloves and the petroleum jelly. 

I have found in my life, “Asian’s as a rule, do not have much of a sense of humor.” (my wife, who is Asian says I am not funny all the time.  But then again, this is a woman who speaks five languages, and says, “English easy … You just make it up as you go!)

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Which reminds me …

An Australian went to Hong Kong on vacation and after about four days he “noticed a little discomfort down under” and we are not talking about Sidney or Brisbane here.  So he makes a trip to a caucasian doctor and the doctor inspects his member and says, “Oh no, you have the rare Black Rose.  It is a strain of VD, a very lethal STD, and you need an operation right now.  We might not be able to save it.”

The Australian said, “How much is this going to cost me?”

The doctor said about $2,500.00 American dollars.  The guy said “I am going to get a second opinion.”  He looks up an asian doctor and goes to him, has the visit and tells the doctor about the $2,500.00 cost and all that.

The Asian doctor is somewhat amused.  He says, “Oh, not so.  Caucasian doctors want money, all about money, do operation now, I make money.”

So the Aussie says, “Well whadya think … should I get the operation?”

And the little Asian doctor looked up and said, “Oh no, bad move.  You wait … It fall off all by itself, maybe two weeks.”

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Taking It Easy …

After a major operation awhile back, my doctor advised me to “go home and take it easy.  Which was a relief, I sure didn’t want to hear, “you only have _____ to live or something like that.  Just this week I observed a test on “How Long Do You Have Left To Live” or something along those lines.  I sure don’t know, but I do know this … I will take today … this is a great day to be above ground. 

This operation was necessitated by an improper lifestyle in my youth and the mixing of different chemical compounds, freely ingested, sometimes in the dark.  Then later on in life, you discover that Viagra and heart attacks are clearly no fun at all. 

Anywho ….. Like I said, “After a major operation my doctor advised me to “go home and take it easy.” So that is what I did, as a matter of pure unadulterated fact, I brought myself back here to the old Goat Farm and as the youngsters are so fond of saying … I chilled.

At that time, I discovered I was really good at this taking it easy stuff.  Now how’s that for a good morning chuckle? (No good … Well, whadya expect for free anyway?)

If it is not too much trouble …  Which one of you FaceBook Dwellers posted the 257 pictures to my drop-box?  I sure didn’t want to see all that.  Especially the picture of that one heavy set farm girl in Omaha, dressed in a wagon-sheet, who wanted to friend me. 

This gal was so big (How Big Was She Don?) that when she walked, even her shadow ran out of breath!  She was so big that she could not fly commercial airlines, because every time she sighed or sneezed, the air masks dropped down.  

One more thing and then I am outta here.  All the selfie photographs I’ve taken of myself wearing nothing but oven mitts and a tiara will never be shared on a Facebook page.  This my final answer on that.

(No good … Well, whadya expect for free anyway?)

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As usual I haven’t done a dog-gone thing today … Hey the wife is dead wrong … I am getting better at this.  Also an added bonus being Global Warming is officially in full swing, I might be able to chill just like this all winter long.

Will let you know ….

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Related:  Global Warming Discussion

Indian Summer

The annual ritual of fall has started, they are chasing the pigskin all across America (Football has started) and the leaves are starting to drop from the trees.  As the sun slowly moves to the south, the temperatures are easing up and the year starts to wind down.  In Oklahoma this time of the year is referred to as … “Indian Summer.”  Having no real issue to contend with today or subject matter of great concern, I will continue.

A friend of mine, when he has a problem, or things are not going right in his world, will use the expression, “Circumstances beyond my control.”  This is his way of covering what should not be happening.  Another one similar or along the same lines will be “Circumstances dictate that I” and then he will just put it to bed, whatever it might be.

Interesting expression, and I often wonder how it became part of our language in society?  But then again, I wonder about a lot of things.  For instance, “Why do lovely women get those tattoo’s?” How can you improve on a form that is already perfect?  Here is one that is over the top for sure.

Back to colorful expressions or metaphors.  Here is another one, “I am doing this in your best interests.”  Uh huh, sure.

Whenever someone says, “I am doing this in YOUR best interest” you should do one of two things.

  1. Run as fast as you can and get away from this person.
  2. Grab your wallet and make sure your money is safe.

Last week I got a little taste of “Circumstances beyond my control.”  Which has forced me to make some changes around here.  I have kind of throttled things back as I am anticipating a big hospital bill sometime soon from “recent events.”  Funny, how when the purse strings get tight and the money isn’t there, you start to concentrate on the simple pleasures of life, the issues and trivial endeavors, that do not require an investment of money, but rather, just time.

I call it getting “back to basic’s.”

Re-learning those simple things in life that do not cost a whole lot, but still give you pleasure.  Rising early in the morning and listening to the birds singing in the yard.  A cup of fresh brewed, piping hot coffee and the perfect temperature to enjoy it from your lawn chair on the porch quickly come to mind.

A good book, perhaps read for the second time, music, walking the dog, raking up the leaves piling up under the tree in the front yard.  All of these menial chores that soothe the trouble soul, free and there for the taking.  Each and every one of them a small endomorphic shot of pleasure for your tired mind that seems to be chocked full of the worries and cares of the day.

How do I know all of this?  How can I be sure that this is what YOU need?

Well it is simple really.  You see, “I have your best interests at heart” and “circumstances dictate that I share this with you as soon as possible.”  The year is almost used up and as usual, I am flat out running out of time.

One of the best video’s of the summer.

Thank you for stoppin’ by … Please come back soon.

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Cartoon compliments of AmericanProgress.org