REALLY … I mean REALLY … Bad Luck


This morning they are saying 3 folks won the Powerball and will split three ways.  I didn’t know that Puerto Rico was playing, what is the deal, 175 million to 1 odds AND all of Puerto Rico too?  I am throughly convinced there are always two winners on the lottery.

  1. The Federal Government.
  2. The State Government.

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Norman Is Not Funny

“Why is it no one is telling anyone jokes anymore, has the country disintegrated into such a morass of doom and gloom, that no one seems to want to share a good amusing story or joke with each other?”

YokoRobert Redford has a movie called  “A River Runs Thru It.”  In the movie there is a scene where the female lead looks to Brad Pitt and says to him, “Norman is not funny.”  Which is an amusing scene, but in all reality, I suppose you would have to see the movie first to appreciate it.

Out of all the movies my wife has seen in her lifetime, this one scene, seems to resonate with her.  I have not a clue as to why, but she will look at me when I attempt to share something amusing with her, or tell her a joke.

And her reply, is always the same …. “Norman is not funny.”

Now my wife is Chinese and very funny, in her own way.  She will say stuff all the time, that I find amusing as all get out.  We were for example, traveling thru the Panhandle of Oklahoma on vacation, where coincidentally there thrives a very large population of Antelope.  Somewhere west of a little place called Guymon, Oklahoma, traveling down the highway at 65 mph an antelope came up out of the bar ditch and literally leaped over the hood of our automobile!

I was at the very least, shocked and amazed.

My wife looked at me and said:  “What is he doing out here running wild like that, he could hurt someone!”  Now at that juncture of time, it would have not only been appropriate but very politically correct to interject “Norman is not funny” into the conversation.  I on the other hand chose to reply with …. “Uh, he LIVES HERE that is why.”

Why?  Because I don’t like eating tuna fish sandwiches day after day when she finds me not so funny.

Which brings me to this.  Why is it no one is telling anyone jokes anymore, has the country disintegrated into such a morass of doom and gloom, that no one seems to want to share a good amusing story or joke with each other?

When times are good, folks tell jokes, when times are bad … well, you know.  The bible says that “laughter doth the heart good” which means you are a Happy Kamper when you are laughing and quite possibly a back-seat Baptist if you live in Oklahoma.

Here is something else to consider.  It takes a lot of muscles in your face to frown, it only takes a few to smile … I am basically lazy when it comes to this crossroads of my life.  I am going to smile, I am going to grin, she is going to wonder what it is that I have been up to and when I dutifully try to explain it to her … She will simply say … “That not funny.”

Just this past week, I came into the kitchen and she said, “Where have you been?” and I said, “McDonalds.”  She then said, “Why you go there, that is not good for you, nothing healthy.” and I said, “They have a new Value Meal, and I wanted to try it.”

My wife then says to me, “A new value meal.  What is it called?” and I said, “It is called the Obammer.  You order anything on the menu that you want and the guy behind you has to pay for it.”  

It is not easy being Norman, but someone has to do it.

See you at the water cooler.


Mugg Shots

Man, what is this world coming to?  I just read that McDonald’s Hamburgers has been banned from selling Happy Meals in San Francisco, California.  Once again, the elected Nim-Com-Poops have rallied together to “protect us from ourselves.”  Never underestimate the stupidity of people in large groups.

They banned the meals because of their fear that it “might entice children to eat food that was loaded with fats, salt, sugar.”  From here on out, they can only offer a toy with the meal, if the meal is low-fat, low-salt, low-sugar.

I hate to throw a wet towel on all this boys, but the mechanism to keep all this in check was already in place … It is called “Parenting.”

But there is good news, across the bay, in Oakland (The murder capital of California) the “Happy To Be Alive Meal” is still being sold.  The toy this week as I understand it, is a zip gun.

Now on the other side of the country, the Nanny Patrol finds it necessary to cancel school dances.

Hide the adults! Teens are dirty dancing

It’s interesting to note that the dance wasn’t canceled out of concern for the kids — the usual defense — but because teachers refused to subject themselves to another night of watching teenagers dry hump to music. It really makes you wonder whose innocence they’re trying to protect — the kids’ or their own. Posted on November 13, 2010 by Bill on Cracker Boy or you can read the full story on Salon here.

45% of American adults say daylight saving time is “not worth the hassle. While 40% say it is.”  27% say they’ve arrived somewhere early or late because they forgot to change their clocks. And 98.5% say they cannot explain to their family cat at 4:16 A.M. why it is NOT time to go outside each morning.

A Legend In His Own Mind

George Bush released a new book last week, after two years of self imposed exile in the Lone Star State, he is appearing here and there to talk about his book “Decision Points.”  Which I understand is a major yawner available for about $25 nationwide.  Kind of ironic, the book comes out AFTER THE ELECTIONS guess it wouldn’t look too cool, throwing all of your Republican buddies under the bus, a week or two BEFORE the vote is counted.

Anyway, I am going to take a pass, Bush has lied to me before.

Speaking of buses? (He did it again! He did it again!)  Last spring, , an unemployed hotel concierge in St Paul Minn bought an old junkyard bus for $2,000.  He fixed it up, and now drives around the Twin Cities giving free rides to people at bus stops.  He even passes out free coffee and encourages sing-a-longs.  The good news is we need more people like Freddy Jackson, willing to step up to the plate and help out.

The bad news is some jerk will most likely sue him for everything that he has if he has an accident.  That is unless the City Fathers hear of the competition to city run bus lines, and just shut him down completely.

It is not easy being a Freddy Jackson in today’s America.

Another Jackson is in the news again.  Michael Jackson who was named the world’s top-earning dead celebrity this year by Forbes magazine, with $275 million in music and movie revenue.  He is beating out Lady Gaga, Madonna, and Jay Z all of them combined.  This week he released a new single (now that is a trick, releasing a single from the grave) and they swear it is HIS voice on the CD.


As Usual I Save The Best For Last

In the Mile High City (Denver Colorado) they are intent in reducing the size of government.  Now that is refreshing.  I understand that they will soon vote on an initiative to establishing a seven member “Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission” to handle “potential encounters or interrelations with extraterrestrial intelligent beings or their vehicles.”

Which is great, I would hate to think of government wasting money on frivolous endeavors.


Possibly Related: UFO Music


A Little Off The Ears

Often checking the bathroom mirror early in the morning can be a sobering experience. I am standing there and I am wondering, “Why is Willard Scott staring back at me, it is not my birthday!”

So, as it was either get a haircut or a dog license, I chose to make the six mile drive to town.

Buell’s barbershop in El Reno, Oklahoma (small town America, the last vast great stronghold of good community living) is an interesting place on most days.

A place where the patrons will request of the barber that he does not give them “a summer-time haircut, because it is still purty-nippy outside” and you can catch up on all the latest.

Where else could you hear about the guy in Texas who mistakenly used a loaded gun to scratch his back last Thursday and ended up shooting himself? He wasn’t unhappy though, according to the story teller. His reason being; that day he had lots of gold-bond powder in his underpants.

Stepping outside, the cool air of the morning, feels a little bit different on the back of my recently shaved neck and head. The sign in the window reads, “You can have sexy hair, now only $10.95.” Sucker born every minute, I know for a fact, that at age 63 sexy hair, most hair, is a thing of the past. I grow hair in my ears now, not on my head. Even the barber inquired, “You want me to trim those eyebrows?”

Evidently “One continuous eyebrow is no longer accepted as cool in America anymore.”

Snatching a big breath of country air, I venture out to the interstate for a quick snack of an Angus Burger at McDonalds.  No visible sores on the kid, and his acme isn’t all that bad, I figure it is going to be a good day.  In the corner and old man is busy cleaning tables, the new work from the cradle to the grave policy in American fast food joints is in effect. I get in line next to an old woman and fish out my money clip.

The elderly woman, small and frail, looks about 75 or 80 steps up to the counter and in a small voice says, “I would like a hamburger, small order of fries, and a small coke, please.” The kid behind the counter says, “You want cheese with that?”

She says, “I want a hamburger, small order of fries, and a small coke sonny.”

The kid looks at her and says, “You want a large order of fries?” The old woman turns and looks at me and in a crisp voice inquires of me, “Am I speaking English?”

I reply, “Yes mama, yes you certainly are.”

She then tells the kid ONE MORE TIME … “I want a hamburger, small order of fries, and a small coke sonny. If’n I wanted cheese, I would’ve asked for a cheeseburger, if I wanted large fries I would have asked for large fries.”

Mr. future CEO then asks, “You want a large coke?”

The old lady turns to me one more time and says, “I must be invisible or something.” She then turns and walks out, in no apparent hurry, Mama shuffles off to the nearest exit, with I suppose, her ravenous appetite in check.

The sad part about all this is … I know just how she feels on some days bless her heart, and often I secretly wish that I could be just that … Invisible.

Taking it one step further, I bet you do too.


Lunch Under the arch

News is reporting that gasoline is “inching upwards” again.  It goes up .11 cents in less than twenty-four hours and that is “inching?”  Give me a break.  Oh well, plenty of negative stuff in the world, and it is not my duty to report it, so here we go.

Saturday  morning, I find myself at “McDonalds” and wonder if the clerk behind the counter will be able to understand me, yet alone get my order correct?  Things are looking up, he is a pasty looking white kid, somewhat goofy-eyed, void of any needle marks on his arms and no open sores on his face that I can see, we might have a chance at it today?

I am standing next to this old lady, with blue hair, she is ancient, about 83 years of age I would guess, well up in her years.  A pleasant sort, the kind of motherly grandmother type, at that point in life when you describe her, you would always add “bless her heart” afterwords, that kind of gal.

She looks at the kid and she says, “I would like a hamburger, fries, small coke please.”

The kid looks at her and he says back, “would you like cheese on that hamburger?” which he is trained to say I suppose.  The old lady says, “No.  If I wanted a hamburger with cheese, that would be a cheeseburger, I ordered a hamburger.”

The kid replies, “so that means, no cheese?”

At that point in time, the lady turns to me and shrugs her shoulders.  The lady then she says to me, “am I speaking English here?”  I say, “Yes Mama I believe you are.”  So she looks at the kid one more time and then says, “Listen sonny, if I wanted a cheeseburger with cheese, I would have ordered a cheeseburger, just give me what it is that I ordered and nothing more.”

Maybe it is me, I don’t know, but stuff like that amuses me.  I can still find a lot of stuff to amuse me, I  don’t have to watch the news.  I have plenty to be thankful for during these hard times.

Thank you Dubya.  Thank you Bill.  Thank you  Hillary.  Thank you Monica.  Thank you Paris.  Thank you Britney.  Thank you Lindsay.  Thank you Jacko.  Thank you uptight women, thank you shallow men.  Thank you for Alive At Five … late, local, live breaking news.  Thank you bald guys everywhere.  Thank you bad drivers.  Thank you proctologists.  Thank you mimes.

Thank you Bill O’Riely.  Dr. Phil.  Oprah and The View.  Rosie O’Donnel, Donald Trump and Max Lauer. Thank you Ba-Ba-rah Walters.  Thank you pro wrestling.  Thank you people with mullets.  Thank you for boy bands.  Thank you for spandex.

Thank you right-wing conservatives.  Thank you left-wing radicals.  Thank you beauty American Idol contestants.  Thank you Exxon you dirty egg sucking dogs.  Thank you for all the bad movies and actors of the 70’s.  Don’t forget Will Farrel, Paulie Shore, Carrot Top.

Thank you again for beauty pageant contestants ESPECIALLY Ms. California.  Thank you overzealous gym teachers.  Thank you motivational speakers.  Thank you tree huggers.  Thank you Burger King and Taco Mayo, without you, I would surely starve.

Thank you France (Bridget Bardot – French fries).  Thank you cross-dressers.  Thank you nerds, geeks, and other socially inept people, like bankers, credit card managers, DMV rate clerks.  Thank you guys with big-biceps and small brains.  Thank you women … with big hair.  Thank you for famous people with slight speech impediments.

Thank you everyone who ever inspired a joke that made me and the entire country laugh.  Lastly Thank you for Little old ladies who stand their ground and make me smile … bless their hearts.

And no … I don’t want cheese on mine either.

When I am ready to sit back, drink wine and eat cheese, I will put some money down on a Condo on the side of a mountain in Vail, Colorado, tune into CNN, kick back and smile.  Right now, conditions being such as they are, I guess I will just have to settle for McDonalds.


Refilling the coffers.

Recently President, or Ex-Presidente George Dubya Bush, was spotted giving the graduating seniors of a high school in Artesia, New Mexico, a commencement speech (how sad is that?).  He told them that he no longer felt the pressure and responsibility of being our president, and that in fact, it was kind of liberating.  Since leaving office Bush has given one speech in Canada, and is supposed to be busy writing his memoirs, which should be a real yawner.  Coming to a Burger King in your area, a one time visit from a ex-president of the United States on a limited speaking engagement, come early and beat the rush.

Things are not all that well for the rich here lately.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were recently thrown off a yacht in Cannes France at the annual film festival.  It seems that they started “hooking up” as the youngsters are prone to say, and she got a little frisky, so they decided to take it below decks and up a level or two on the excitement scale.  Another guest discovered the amorous couple in what do they call it?  Flagrante Delicto and she informed the captain of the vessel, who in turn ejected the loving couple.

The captain then insisted that they depart for the shore.  For what he called “unsociable behavior” which I do not understand, seems like they were being quite sociable at the time, which is when all the trouble started.

You would think that old geezers like myself would be the first to catch these particularly nasty diseases going around.  But a recent survey has disclosed that only 1% of people over 65 actually got swine flu, and the majority of the cases in the country were with 18-24 year olds.  Of the two-thirds of the 5,000 confirmed cases in the U.S. thus far, the CDC revealed  that many older people, blood studies show, have partial immunity to the swine variant because of a life time of exposure to other similar flu viruses.

So I guess it would be safe to say, “that over the years, all of those shots, paid off.”

The current candidate running for governor of Georgia on a platform encouraging the quaint Peach State Legal theory of “nullification (meaning the state has the right to override the U.S. Constitution) who is known as  staunch foe of abortion who once posted a “hit list”  of doctors in that state.

He is also quoted as saying during his childhood “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia your first girlfriend is a mule.”   That should just about sum it up.  Yeppers …. Now that explains it. Stick a pin in the map, another “new age Republican” has been identified.

It reminds me of the old joke, where the preacher found a dead mule on the road, so he called the sheriff.  The sheriff after listening to what the preacher had to say, suggested that he say a few words over the dead animal and go about his business, that was after all, what preachers were supposed to do.

Then he inquired of the preacher, “Why in the world are you calling me about this anyway?” and the preacher said, “It is our custom to notify the next of kin, whenever we do a service.”

Please don’t feed the lizards.

The world’s largest lizards, have been attacking humans with increasing frequency, villagers in Indonesia report attacks are up this year.  The Komodo dragons are 10 foot long reptiles and they are becoming more aggressive and out of hunger as poaching reduces the population of the deer that they survive on.  A park ranger was recently sitting in his office in Komodo National Park when a dragon appeared and chomped down on his leg.  Indonesia is the only place in the world where these huge reptiles are found.  Might want to scratch this one off your vacation list for this summer, and head to Orlando instead.

Now I like this one.  British police thought they had a standoff on their hands when they received an emergency call in which the caller could be heard whimpering and a man shouting “Come out or else!” in the background.

At that point the line apparently went dead, and the police just knew that they had a possible hostage standoff situation on their hands.  Immediately redialing the number they reached a woman who reported that her golden retriever, had stolen her cordless phone, and pursued by her angry husband, taken it to his favorite hiding place in the backyard.

Behind the garden shed, where he crawled underneath and promptly started gnawing on the key pad.

A Florida woman visibly upset because her local McDonald’s did not have Chicken McNuggets, phoned the 911 emergency service line for help.  In an unrelated incident, a Florida man took the same action when Burger King told him it had no lemonade to sell him.

Clearly these are over reactions, majoring in minor stuff.  I recommend that you not indulge in similar overreactions in the coming week.  When you feel that the drama queen or drama king archetype is threatening to posse you and you need to forcefully keep it away, take immediate action.

If you’re successful, you’ll be visited by a far more congenial archetype … the Social Butterfly …. Someone like Britney or Paris and that would prove to be amusing and who knows, maybe a little productive in the end.

Have to run, some guy named Obama sent me $250 over the weekend and I got to sock it into my “friendly” savings institution currently being run by foreign nationals recently released from Guantanamo Bay, which I think is somewhere south of Atlanta.


Brad & Jolie Phone Home

President-elect Barack Obama this week announced plans to launch the largest public works program in a half-century.  In the hope of creating millions of jobs and stimulating the sinking U.S. economy.

The new federal program that mirrors Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal and Dwight Eisenhower’s massive project to create the federal highway system, will hire workers to rebuild the nations’ crumbing highways and bridges, renovate aging schools, extend high-speed Internet throughout the country.

Here comes another $500-$700 billion from the pot of gold at the end of the Washington rainbow. Well, at least he is not reading Harry Potter now, he has moved on to something more substantial.

No matter how the money is spent, this public works special isn’t going to be enough to save this floundering economy.  Consumption and business investment are for the most parts in a “free fall” and no matter how many roads you build or the people you hire, it isn’t going to change it.

What amazes me, is the very people that caused most of these massive problems, are now the people that we turn to in order to save us.  Must be that time of the year, or maybe, just perhaps it is me?  Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa Claus what they want and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.

Almost comical in some respects.  So tell me … Are you laughing?

Word just out of the Washington area today.  The White House press agency is stating that for the remainder of his term President Bush will only be visiting impoverished countries in Africa and certain villages in the Amazon forest.  The reason given was those people do not wear shoes.

Lousy Tree Huggers … No really …. Lousy Tree Huggers.

Environmental outrage, after a furious “green” group notified Polish authorities that a rapacious logging  company was cutting down their trees in a nature preserve.  Investigators determined that the 20 trees in question had been felled by beavers.  Save The Whales … Collect the whole set.

Staying busy in retirement

Rajo Devi of India became a mother for the first time at the age of 70.  Her doctor said she is the oldest person to give birth after invitro fertilization.  Just think, when her child graduates high school, she will only be, what 87?  So what are the benefits of having a child at this advanced age?  Well, look at it from this perspective, soon they will BOTH be in diapers at the same time.

In God’s Hands

You hear about the little boy that wandered away from his babysitter this week, he and his puppies just walked off and had to spend the night in the sub-freezing cold alone.  He was found the next day, sitting next to a tree, all of the dogs snuggled up to him, and they say that their warmth was what kept the boy from freezing too death.  Truly a Christmas miracle, eh?

Caffeine Wars

McDonalds is taking some Seattle, Java Jabs at Starbucks.  They are running billboard signs all over the Seattle area that simply state “$4 is dumb.”  Which is in essence telling folks that are paying that much for espresso, they are crazy, especially when Big Mac sells their brand for $1.99 per cup.  So both are selling “coffee” (nothing fancy, just the brewed stuff) for about the same price.

What do you want folks, the best price or the experience?

It is up to you.

Okay, they are doing it again.  We now have a new generation to track, and a totally new name for them.  This is the first time I have seen this one.  Millennial, these are people born between 1980 -1990.  Pepsi is now targeting them as an audience because survey’s show that they are optimistic about 2009, that some 95% agree that it is important to “maintain a positive outlook on life.”

Let’s see, if you were born in 1980 that would make you what?  28 years old.  Yeah, I was pretty optimistic when I was 28, little jingle in my pocket, had a new car, woke up with a woody in the morning and a smile on my face.  Correct me if I am wrong, but “millennial” means a thousand years, Pepsi is in for a little surprise.  Nothing lasts that long, not even the rocks.

Friends Don’t Send Fruitcakes To Unemployed Autoworkers.

Couple of emails on the fruitcake deal and the autoworkers.  Fruitcake just cannot get any respect.  The much mocked dessert ranked last in an online survey of snacks.  Just 11% of some 3,500 adults surveyed expect to eat any of it over the holidays, it even falls behind “trail mix” (12%) and we all know how good that is!  And then there is the obvious question …. Do you really have to ask why Fruitcake is at the bottom of the list?

As for the automobile people, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it is probably a Chevy.

Loooooooooooong Distance Charges May Apply

brad-pitt-angelina-jolieBrad Pitt has taken up “spirit channeling” to cope with his midlife crisis.  So being married to one of the most beautiful women in the world isn’t all it is cut out to be apparently.

The actor who recently turned 45 is not only seeking spiritual counsel from religious leaders, including the Dalai Lama, but has taken up the practice of “deep-trance channeling” in hopes of getting life advice from the dead.”

Jolie is worried that “Brad’s new mystical bent could harm his public image.  Angie is afraid that if he tries to bring it into the mainstream, people will really think he’s gone off the deep end.” Last I heard she was trying to find the current phone number for Tom Cruise.

Sunday being a slow day and not much going down, I turned everything off, unplugged the telephone, slunk back into my office (the master’s lair) and began to mediate.  I thought to myself “if Brad can do it, then by gosh, so can I.

Now I have to admit, at first I was a little bit skeptical and somewhat worried, “I mean the last thing I want to conjure up, or channel into my life is my Ex-Wife” so I was somewhat timid in the beginning.

But after a determined amount of time, things began to happen and then I found myself speaking to my channeled spirit.  His name was Siddartha Gautama who achieved his nirvana while meditating beneath a a Bodhi tree in India and became the Buddha, or “enlightened one.”  And he shared with me the benefit of all his years of wandering around the country of India, throughout Asia, living skimpily and sharing his wisdom.

Some of which he did give to me:  “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” And then he mentioned in passing that Shirley McClaine also said hello.  In all honesty, in the long run, I don’t believe it works.

The long run after all, is a misleading guide to current affairs.  In the long run, we all end up dead, and I haven’t heard of anyone coming back from that here lately.  I will believe that when Pat Boone gets a number one selling CD.

All and all, the visit was entirely too short, before I knew it the experience was unfolding before my eyes and then it was just as sudden as it began, I found it ending.  He said to me, “Is there anything that you should desire of me concerning the after life?” and I thought long and hard, and then asked, “Will I need a change of underwear?” and he was gone … Just like that.

What we think we become.

(I think I am done?)