I Can Fix It

This morning, I have been giving a lot of thought to my recently announced plans to run for President (Vote For Me).

Coincidentally, I had an epiphany of sorts when I realized that it is not easy being “The Chief” executive officer of a country.

That kind of came home to roost, early this cool, chilly autumn morning.

Not easy being a leader these days.

I heard a story of an old Indian got appointed to position of Chief in the tribe. One day all the members of the tribe approached him and said: What weather do? The newly initiated Chief told them, “me tell you tomorrow. He then called the U.S. Weather Service and asked the man who answered up, “What weather do?” and he was given the reply, “about the same, maybe a bit cooler.

So the next day, the Chief assembled all the tribe and told them, “Cool weather … cut firewood.”

A few months went by and again, the members of the tribe approached the Chief, and asked, “What weather do? The Chief says to them, “I tell tomorrow.” Again he calls the U.S. Weather Service and asks the guy, “What weather do? The man answering the phone says, “about the same, a little cooler possibly next week.”

The Chief tells the Indians, “Cut more firewood.

Once again, the members of the tribe form a group and asked the Chief, “What weather do?” and as always, “I tell tomorrow.

He (the chief) gets on the horn and calls the U.S. Weather Service and says, “What weather do?” and the guy on the other end of the phone sez ……… “Man, it must be going to get really cold, these Indians around here are cutting firewood like you would not believe!

Here lately I have been reading a lot of this “the world is gonna end” tripe just about everywhere I look on the net. Which is ridiculous for a number of reasons. One, if you are an American that the chances of you owing a LOT OF MONEY are fairly good, and they are not going to allow you to die, you owe too much money. Second, I got a new Fiest Telephone Book recently, and they would not have put that out if the world was going to end.

So you can relax, stop all these foolish plans.

Such as storing up gasoline, kerosene, diesel, lighter fluid, oatmeal, potato chips, Doritos, green beans (no liver & onions please!), barbeque starter fluid, water (non tap water), soap, jell-o, Twinkies (these things will last over six years even when exposed to the elements), cheerios, chocolate-almond-kisses, tootsie rolls, candles, razor blades and last but not least …. Ammo.

Here is what is really sad … read that again … not one mention of clean underwear in there anywhere.

Seriously I have been making plans for after the inaugural in January. The absolute first thing that I have decided to do in my administration is get rid of voice mail. Anyone who has a voice mail machine, will either be fined or sent to prison without the benefit of parole. Especially the ones that play this sick elevator musak.

Personally I don’t really mind holding the line; I have learned to accept that. It is the God awful, punch this button for this, and punch this button for that, and if you are a member of the human race, please punch … you get the drift? I am weary of the game. While I am at it, I will re-instate the death penalty for all these people that garble out their telephone numbers on the machine so fast that you have to play it at least three times, in order to get the number.

After this last go around with the friendly folks at AOL I have decided to start a campaign that will stop people from using the phrase “Information Highway.” This new method of describing communication in America and the rest of the world has to cease. If most of these people had truly been on the “Information Highway” they would have been road kill for the last westbound Roadway Trucker headed out to the shaky-side (Los Angeles, California).

They would not have made it past the Honey Store at exit 100 near the state-line.

Moving swiftly along … As president I shall remove from television all of these shows such as Hard Copy, Current Affair, the Six O’clock news, and all these television shows that honor or celebrate crime. Also to hit the dust will be any type of Reality Programming, my idea of entertainment is not watching the bottom of the gene pool, sitting around cussing each other out, and acting like the ill-bred crack babies they are.

If you are a parent “and your four year old is running your life” you do not need a Nanny, all you need is a bathroom and a COLD SHOWER, a couple of those and he/she will get the message.

Effective immediately, a limit on the number of murders the affiliates will be allowed to show during the evening meal. (and you wonder why the folks in Europe don’t want to visit us?) There should be a cap on stories dealing with rape and other forms of violence that we have become so accustomed to.

I am tired of it, as your New President, I will put a stop to it.

There should also be a ban on hardened criminals appearing on so-called Talk Shows, and/or writing books about their crimes for self enrichment. This includes the police officers (crooked cops) who appear with paper bags on heir heads, when confessing their collective crimes to Geraldo.

We will instead, provide them with some kind of pamphlet (printed up at government expense of course) that explains that selling drugs, stealing dirty money, and beating up innocent citizens is not what they have been hired to do. Maybe they do not understand how things work in our society.

It should be an interesting year after I am sworn in, first thing we will have to do is fetch some more zero’s for our federal deficit, most everything else will stay the same. The politicians will lie about their bank accounts and diaries, continue to say just about anything to get them elected (or re-elected as the case may be). Wall Street firms involved in shady insider deals and lobbyists will still have their fingers crossed while profusely maintaining the innocence of their clients.

Some irritants will still abound in the new era. Unfortunately, that is the way the system works, you can only change so much of it. The rest of it …. Well y’know … Dontcha?

We should make some inroads, might even clean up some of the things mentioned here. Having seen nothing to convince me otherwise, I believe it is safe to announce … THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO END AS EXPECTED … Despite what you read at the checkout stand in the little rag’s they sell there. Despite what the blog community seems to be pre-occupied with.

Just aint gonna happen …… Chill out dudes.

And remember … Vote for me.


Money In The Bank

Maybe it is just me, but for the life of me, I cannot figure out how an outfit like Bon Jovi qualifies as a “Country Music” band and is played on Country/Western Music stations.

Another thing that has bugging’ me is Peanut & Butter, Jelly Sandwiches … Who invented them? I can’t find any documentation for who it was that invented it, but it was widely rumored that the were the offshoot of GI’s during WWII.

In their mess kits among other things were, Lucky Strike smokes, peanut butter, jelly and bread. I believe it was some sad sack GI that invented the Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich. How do I know this? After the war, sales of Peanut Butter, Jelly and Bread skyrocketed in the United States.

In 1946 the United States of America was considered only 6% of the population of the world and at that time we were producing 50% of all the goods sold on the planet. Kind of makes one curious as to what happened? The only item we seem to consistently produce in this country anymore appears to be debt. We are real good at that.

A lot of mysteries in the world these days.

Here is one. Sasol, the Big South African Company is making gasoline out of coal. As long as oil sells for about $35 per barrel, the process is profitable. Now the question here on everyone’s minds, should be, “Why aren’t we (the USA) taking advantage of this technology with the price of oil exceeding $125 per barrel. Why aren’t we producing gasoline from coal and utilizing this process?”

Especially when we are sitting on the Saudi Arabia of Coal, last I time I checked we had more of it than anyone else in the world.  I wonder if Mr. Bush or any other bought and paid for Petroleum Whore in D.C., would care to answer this one?

The governor of Montana has asked for Congressional help in order to develop resources in that state, estimated to be around 120 billion tons of coal. Wyoming not to be ignored has also petitioned for relief, with an additional 64 billion tons of the stuff. The estimated cost of these gasoline-coal-producing plants is estimated at about $60 billion each.

Or in other words, about “thirty days of Iraq” expenses or thereabouts.

Unfortunately for you the poor sap that is being gouged and massaged at the pump, Congress, those lovable scum-bags in Washington, DC, sit back on their collective butts and do not help at all. No help to the states to remove some of the environmental roadblocks or assist in the permitting process, nothing.

Why? (Glad you asked)

It certainly appears that there are opposition groups with more influence in Washington DC than the 150 million voters who put them there and are paying $4 a gallon for the fuel.

America … The best Government lobbying (money) can buy.

Oil from coal ….. This is kind of like having $19.00 in the bank, you can see it there, it is yours, but the bank will not allow you to withdraw it.


POST:  I added a “contact – Email form” on the top of the page.  If you don’t want to make a public comment, you can use this, it will give you direct feed to me via email.  Please try to keep it civil.