Negative Ruminations

imgresFor the first time in something like 200 years, a Pope is resigning and throwing in the towel.  Two books on the subject say that “the internal politic’s of the church” are the main culprit and that the stress and strain of dealing with it on a daily basis is why the Head Man In Charge is stepping down. 

Too many cooks will often spoil the soup, is what my Mama used to say, and it appears that all this negative influence has pulled the man down.  Details can be found here.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

There was a woman who was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  “Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?” 

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” 

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste.”  The hairdresser responded: “Don’t go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

Not to be deterred the woman getting her hair done responded:  “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.” 

A month later, the woman again came in for a touchup on her hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” 

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”   

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”   

“Oh, really!  What’d he say?” the hairdresser asked.  The woman getting her hair done replied … He said: “Who ****** up your hair?”

Uh, no good huh?  Well whadya expect for free?

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Try this one on for size.

A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.  (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.  (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171  Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Now please consider this: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is estimated to be 80,000,000.  (Yes, that’s 80 million)  (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.  (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188  Statistics courtesy of FBI

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So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.  Remember that …  “Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.”

So here is the bottom line, where the rubber meets the road:

Not everyone has a gun … But … Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner.  Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.  We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! *

OOO

*Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention … (sorry Larry)

LIFE IS FRAGILE AT BEST

imgres“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

Nelson Mandela

You can tell the measure of a society by the way they treat their criminals.  Beside’s our lousy economy, we as a nation, also lead the world in prisons and citizens that we have locked down.

Every now and then you will read where in a rush to judgement, we send someone off to our particular version of living hell on earth, without batting an eye, and at the same time, assuring his innocence or guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.  

I am reading an article in the LA Times, where a Texas man has been released from prison after twenty-five years of being wrongly convicted of beating his wife to death.  He has been found to be innocent of the crime by way of DNA evidence and another man will now stand trial for the crime. (Texas also leads the nation in capitol punishment and has even executed a retarded man)  

His trial was two full years before DNA evidence became courtroom-validated and was found acceptable for use in courts in this country as a possible form of un-fallible evidence. 

Think about it, twenty-five years of your life spent behind bars for a crime you did not commit.  

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In the interview he was surprisingly not bitter.  He said it wasn’t all that bad after the second decade, but his overall picture of the trial and subsequent lock-down was “scary, very scary.”  I have also heard of another guy in New Jersey that had the same problem.  

His conviction was for fifteen years, and he sued New Jersey for lost wages and suffering, and eventually won the settlement, which was paid to him “less money paid to his wife for welfare during the period,” which New Jersey said “they were entitled to.”  Which is kind of ironic, they take the man from the family unit and lock him up, leaving the wife to fend for herself with no marketable skills and then claim that they are owned monies for this. 

 What a country.

It’s as if you are waking up from a very bad dream, a dream most of us will never have a hint of what it would be like to have to endure something this cruel and unusual.  Think of Nelson Mandela  all those years locked up in an African prison for what, for nothing more than asserting that he was a free man.  

 It just boggles the mind, at least for me, it does.

Then there is the “what if?” factor.  Where circumstance comes into play, and you get sucked down the modern day version of the rabbit hole.

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At one time or another, I suppose we all wonder who it is that we might be, where it was that we came from, why am I here?  It is only natural in the progression of life to wonder about these things.  

But what if you are shut down in some state or federal prison for no earthly reason, then what?  When you have no logical explanation of your dire circumstance.

Let’s try another one shall we?  

What if you slipped in the shower or fell down some stairs, and when you came awake, you did not know who you were?  How would you handle that?  

Your entire memory is wiped clean by a simple pit fall or stumble.  So one day, you are the CEO of a major corporation and you slip in your office bathroom in Phoenix, Arizona, and wake up in a hospital.  Without a clue of who, what, where, when and why?

 Kind of scary eh.

So to make matters even worse, when the doctor looks at you and says “What is your name?” you have no working knowledge of the word name and you do not know its meaning.  

When introduced to your wife of some 30 years, you do not know what the word “wife” means.

What would you do if you found yourself in this predicament, with untreatable form of memory loss or worse locked down for a major portion of your life.  “What would you do, when you look around the room and survey your world, and nothing, absolutely nothing, registers with you, what then?  When you step outside into the sunlight and find a totally New World?

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Twenty-five years, is a long time.  What do you tell yourself when you do the math,

and your life comes up short, 9,125 days?

Who picks up the tab for that?

OOO

Who’s On First?

“What you think is your business, but I truly believe that God is in the mix, you will notice that Hillary was out of the country during the Democratic Convention, so that shows you he (God) is marked up and on the job.”

Just returned from the Multiple Personalities seminar downtown, I was down there all day (was in charge of the name tags) and of course I took everyone with me, and still, I don’t think we made many new friends.  Sometimes life is just so dog-gone unfair.

If anyone is wondering?  The results from the recent poll, “Are you any better off now, than four years ago?” are now in.

  1. 10% said that they were better off.
  2. 10% said that they were somewhat better off.
  3. A resounding 80% said that they were worse off.

Now here is the really sad part, daily viewing of this site on that particular day was well above 250 views, but only 9 people bothered to vote.  What does that tell you about polls and voter apathy in this country.  Perhaps the only hope for America is just Divine hope?

It might be high time for a supreme being, surely something with superior intelligence, to step in and take a firm hand to straighten out this mess.  I see where all the candidates say they believe in God in some form or another, so that is a good start.

Here is a novel idea for a poll this week:  “You are getting a chance to briefly shake Obama’s hand after a speech in a couple days. You will have 3-4 seconds to say anything you want to him. What should you say or do? What could you say that would not get you tackled by the Secret Service” (As always comments is open, take a shot at it)

No good huh?

Okay how about the race card, or shall we call it the Biden Boner of the Month, his admittedly outrageous warning to a largely a black audience when he said that Mitt Romney “is going to put y’all back in chains.”  Yes he really said that, and yes, this is the 21st century (last time I looked).

And I thought George Bush said stoooooooopid thangs?

What you think is your business, but I truly believe that God is in the mix, you will notice that Hillary was out of the country during the Democratic Convention, so that shows you he (God) is marked up and on the job.  Looks like my apparent disdain for lawyers is surfacing again (Hillary was a lawyer I believe).

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”  Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here: 

Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.  

Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.

Monday Morning … Just thinking outside the box again, and yes I know, it often gets me into trouble.  Which in my case, often makes life a little bit more interesting.

See you at the water-cooler.

OOO

The Naked News

The People You Meet On The Street … Some things to worry about during your driving test, left turns, most accidents occur during left turns, yeah no poopy, I knew a couple who spent their entire life turning right, just because of this.   Other things to worry about are your turn signals, traffic and naked people walking down the street during your test.

Yes people, a naked man was spotted during a driving test …

Which reminds me of the couple who took their two young children on vacation and they were going down a road, and before them appeared four adults on bicycles COMPLETELY NAKED.

The young couple worried that the children in the back seat would be affected and sure enough, as the naked adults all rode by, the four-year old stood up in the back seat and said, “Did you see that?  None of those people had a helmet on!”

Not-Too-Smart.Com … Suspect to officer:   Kiss my (expletive) and talk to my (expletive) lawyer.  It is going to take more than Matlock to figure this one out, but someone, is gonna spend the night in the pokey.  A man charged with domestic violence Sept. 25 for threatening his ex-wife and breaking vases tried to slip off his handcuffs, according to his Crestview Police Department arrest report.

When officers tried to arrest the man, the suspect “tensed his muscles” and began calling the officers profane names. On the way to the patrol car, the suspect told the officers, “Wait till I get out. All you guys are done.”  On the way to the jail, he called the officer a “fat (expletive)” and tried to slip his cuffs. At the jail, he told the same officer, “Kiss my (expletive) and talk to my (expletive) lawyer,” according to his report.

Taking a wild stab at this, I figure he is going to be a guest of the county for a little bit anyway.

You Make The Call File: Scientists have announced this week some cancer news.  They are now saying that cancer is a man-made disease as they have not been able to find any evidence of it in Egyptian mummies.  Personally I would be far more prone to believe they found evidence of emphysema in a mummy from charcoal (heating and making bricks) than this.

Mummy was squeaky clean … Uh huh sure.  Now what about Buffalo Wings?

A little off the top: We now have naked hairdressers down under …. Hmmmmm, that sound a bit suggestive doesn’t it.  (Personally I prefer a little shrubbery around the house, but that is just me)  Full story here and pictures too!  OI especially liked the comments after the piece, here is a sample:

You could have someones eye out with those don’t forget health and safety !
Dave, Manchester  …. I think I’ll pass on this one, have you seen my hairdresser he’s not the best. Jim Gibson, Newcastle upon Tyne …. Something for the weekend, sir?

Why not add yours to the mix (That is if you are into that sort of thing).  Because of my age and my “Dr. Phil look-alike hairstyle” it really doesn’t do a whole lot for me.

The next thing I know will be receiving a comment from my mother:  “I enjoy reading most of your columns . . . but your hairdo in your photo yesterday sure looked DATED and NOT at all flattering or becoming, to say the least. If you are still sporting that awful hairdo, I suggest you go to a good hair stylist to give you a new and better hairdo. I hope you don’t mind my criticism, it’s nothing personal — just a suggestion.” This is why she lives in Kalifornia and I live here in The Sooner Nation (now all you people in Europe, and Asia try figuring that one out.)

Warning:  That girl is packing …. Used to be in order to attract boys a girl would stuff her bra with Kleenex or soft paper.  But alas, they grow up so quickly.  An item here where a woman wore a bra packed with sedatives in order to rob men, not exactly “high tech” but if it works ….

Say it with a Foot-Long. Flowers are so old hat, now there is a better way.  A Fort Pierce Florida man has been charged with attacking his girlfriend with a corn dog …  I mean how can you never say you are sorry (Love Story) if you slam your special other with a piece of food?  Must be something in the air in Florida, a lot of this stuff is coming out of the sunshine state here lately.

It would be nice to discuss some of this at length, but I have to make my nine-thirty for therapy.  I get to lie down on the couch, relax, tell this wonderful lady all of my thoughts, worries and concerns.  Such as left turns and backing into a buttered doorknob while completely naked.

Stuff like that ….

You on the other hand, need to shut this down and get back to work, it is after all, Hump Day for a five day minimum wage slave in Oklahoma.  You have Mortgage Investment Bankers and politicians counting on you to pull them thru.


YOU DON’T GET CANDY FILE: Now if all of this wasn’t absurd enough to whet your whistle, there is one more,.  I always like to save the best for last … Government is now putting an age limit on Tricker Treaters, if you can believe that.  Read all about it here.

Is this a great country or what? *

OOO

*  Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.  Mark Twain  And of course, no naked people were exposed or hurt during the posting of this post.
Cartoon courtesy of Jeffreyhill.typepad.com

High Cost Of Low Living

Danny is the latest member of the “Soon To Be Single Club.”  He is in the ranks of the “unloved” and he isn’t liking it one bit, no sir.  He looks at me like a kid who has just lost his last good friend in life and asks, “Why does divorce have to cost so damn much money?

Which is not an easy question to answer halfway thru your two over easy, bacon, whole wheat toast and small orange juice, but I give it a shot.  After all, I was once a rider with a paid for ticket on this social fun ride, so I give him what I consider the definitive answer on the subject.

There has been a lot of water under the bridge, but I can still remember the day I walked into the lawyers’ office and stated matter of factually, “I want a divorce.

And he said to me, “How is it that you feel about this woman?” and I replied, “If she owned the last bar in the world, I wouldn’t stop there for a drink.

He smiled, and said, “I will take the case.”

So having gone thru this traumatic life changing event in life, I feel somewhat qualified to proffer an answer to my friend.  I say …. “Danny, divorce costs so much because it is worth it.  It is worth every lousy dime and a little more.” (Some will take it one step further and say it is “the ***ing you get for the ***ing you got”  … blanks are optional, you can figure it out, no prize sorry).

Just this week I was reading about another marriage made in Heaven that went bad.

A Swedish countess has asked a judge to negate her prenuptial agreement with the wealthy executive who is divorcing her, insisting she cannot possibly live on $43 million.  Marie Douglas-David (this is what happens when you allow women to have three names by the way) wants at least twice that much from former United Technologies Corp. chief executive George David, 67, saying she has weekly expenses of $53,000.

Think about the absurdity of that last statement, “her weekly expenses are $53K per week.”  That means that she needs roughly two and three-quarters of a million per year, just to get by, and you thought shopping for groceries was rough?

Her attorney said that David had figuratively “put a gun” to her head to get her to sign a pre-nup requiring her to survive on only $43 million.  Which I have to admit, I kind of doubt.

Oklahoma has a 52% divorce rate the highest (if not the) rate in the nation.  I also checked, at one time we led the country in unwed teenage mothers and a host of other “not so famous” social misadventures.

Our youth are being eaten alive by syphilis, gonorrhea, 67 other sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s).  Yesterday on Dr. Phil they had an entire show devoted to “people who are marrying each other, and are virtual strangers, who do not know the person they married.”

Which if not downright sad, is just plain tragic.

I don’t understand the high cost of shrinking married populations in this country, I don’t understand that at all.  It seems to me, an old married guy, that marriage is the best alternative there is out there, why would anyone want to be a dues paying member of the crap listed above?

So the next time your bride looks at you in that goofy special way they have and says, “We are doing alright honey, we have a marriage made in Heaven.”

Just smile, nod your head in acknowledgment and remember … That is the very same place they make Thunder and Lightning too.

Have a great weekend, we will see all of you on Monday.

OOO

Still Puttin Out

It’s Okay, we are all different … Remember that.

Today is my second day of being a “Media Whore” and I seem to be fine with it.  I do note this morning that an Australian tourist board is searching for someone to blog about living on an island in the Great Barrier Reef.  Applicants must be willing to live in an oceanfront villa, swim in the pool, snorkel the reef, and lie on the beach.  How much does it pay you ask?  The six month position pays $100,000.00 u.s.  Sign me up!  It sounds like a tough job, but someone is going to do it, might as well be me.

You Have To Be Kidding Me.

So here I sit, reading USA Today, page 2B, Thursday January 23rd, and there it is.  “HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS BUYING BAD LOANS” from your kitchen table (of all places) and now here comes the really good part … without spending a penny of your own money! And I am sorry, but I had to think to myself … Isn’t that how we got into the mess to begin with? The ad goes on to tell you about some kind of financial superman who made billions “after going broke” during the financial mess, and he can show you how to do the same. Pass.

Oh that?  You found about that did you?

You might find this amusing and you might not.  Treasury Secretary designate Timothy Geithner’s confirmation hit a snag this week, when they announced he was some $34K short in paying his income taxes plus interest.  Now let’s see, “you can not operate Turbo Tax and you are going to be put in charge of the U.S. Treasury.”  What is wrong with this picture?

Friday in the Big City.

Nothing out of the ordinary coming my way that I know of, and I seem to be holding up rather well.  The government is reporting that they have found “bird parts” on the USA flight that went down in the Hudson River, and divers have located the missing engine.  I don’t know a whole lot about most of this, but I know that if I am ever on a plane that goes down, I want Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger to be the pilot.

Man!  What a take charge guy that pilot seemed to be.  And low and behold, I have heard it for years, and it turns out to be true.  “In case of a water landing your seat will serve as a floatation device.”  In this case, it was the entire airplane.  Homeland Security has solved the crash and has released pictures of the culprits and you can view them here.

To be or not to be … that is the question — Opps, sorry about that.

A loaded gun was accidentally used during a rehearsal of a Florida play at a Senior Citizen Center and the bullet grazed the ear of another actor.  He was reportedly doing fine after being checked at a local hospital.

Give it back!  Dog-gone it Martha, give it back!

A New York man is suing his ex-wife for a kidney.  In 2001 when she was desperate for a kidney, he donated one of his to her, and now that they are divorcing he is demanding it back or she can buy it from him for a palsy $1.5 million dollars.  Good luck on that one.

Here is another victim of the bad economy for you.  It is now being reported that “lawyers” are having a tough go of it, as more and more Americans decide to stick together and ride it out. When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts.  If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law.  If you live in Oklahoma and you are representing yourself, take the Okie defense — hammer away on the table.  No good huh?

Okay, wait, wait.

What if you are a lawyer and you go to the restaurant and you don’t like what they offer — Do you ask for a change of menu?

Yeah, I know, move on.

Things are getting pretty bad, Burger King offered a free Whopper to anyone who would un-friend 10 people from their Facebook accounts.  Some 200,000 people suddenly found themselves friendless in America.  And I stood there dumbfounded wondering why the line was so long.

Spit it out Pedro.

Zapatos after Mexico City launched a campaign urging citizens to swallow their gum rather than spit it on the street.  Officials there say the average square yard of sidewalk in the city has 70 globs of discarded gum.

Slow and steady … Slow and steady.

A friend of mine handed me a Rubik’s cube one night and showed me how it worked.  He then mixed it all up and said, “See if you can figure that one out?” and left me with it.  As I am a pilgrim of very little patience, about 72 hours later, I dropped it in the trash compactor and hit the button.  One very dead Rubik’s cube, much to the dismay of my friend.

A British man has finally solved the Rubik’s Cube after 26 years of trying.

Construction worker Graham Parker, now 45, first picked up the puzzle in 1983 at the peak of its global popularity, and though it stymied him, he kept at it obsessively after the world moved on.  “I have had wrist and back problems form spending hours on it” said Parker, “but it was all worth it.  When I clicked the last bit into place and each face was a solid color, I wept.”

You think that is bad, you ought to be a Media Whore in America and cannot locate your pimp.  Now that is rough.

What am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?

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Care For Another? Loose Change.