Can’t We All Just Get Along …

cool-dude1The Attorney General(s) of Oklahoma and Kansas are suing the State of Colorado.  The are also asking the Federal Government to step in and settle the dispute over pot once and for all. 

There hasn’t been this much excitement in Denver, since the police arrested John Elway for being a slow moving white bronco during the OJ Simpson mess.

Kansas and Oklahoma are claiming that they have increased costs in law enforcement (policing automobile transportation of illegal substances) out of Colorado and want reimbursement from Colorado.  Continue reading

Okie Two-Fer

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The state recently spent $33 million dollars to build this new interchange in Oklahoma City, at Morgan Road.  It is state of the art, as far as Interchanges go, and is so impressive, they are building a carbon-copy of it down south on I-35.

Morgan Road is a huge complex of truck-stops and a mix of other trucking related businesses, so expediting the traffic out of the area, is a top priority.  One of the features that I really like are the new on-ramps onto Interstate 40.  You have plenty of room to maneuver and exiting and entering is a breeze. 

A far cry from what it used to be.  

The other day I was in Oklahoma City doing some rat killing and after fulfilling my duties, I cut a swath for the goat farm.  I hit the Interchange and came to the “yield” sign, and as I did not note any traffic, blew thru that and headed westbound.  At this juncture the road is a well marked, two-lane, one slow lane, and one lane for entry into Interstate 40.

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As I made the corner, I sort of drifted out immediately to the higher speed lane to hit the Interstate and head home.  In my mirror, I noted a black car, and in my mind I thought to myself, “Man, I sure hope that aint a cop.”

Turns out it was, a genuine full-growed OHP (Oklahoma Highway Patrol).  He lit me up and I put on my turn signal and hit the shoulder of the Interstate.  He walks up to the truck, I roll down the window, and he asks for my lic. and proof of insurance.  Which I provide with a smile.

The officer after checking me out then motions for me to come to the rear of the truck, which I do.  He then informs me of why he stopped me (illegal lane change/no seat belt) and I say to him, “Hey?  I know you.”  He looks at me and says, “How do you know me?” and I reply, “I had a cup of coffee with you about a month ago at Banner Road, at the Shell Station.”  

He nods his head in agreement, smiles and says, “Yeah.  You are the guy with the bus.”  And I smile (figuring I got it made in the shade, I often do that for no really good reason at all) and say, “Yup.  That’s me.”

He then says, “You cut me off back there and you are not wearing a seat belt.”  Which is kind of true and not so true.  I did not cut him off, just kind of nosed ahead of him and I was wearing the belt, it was the “harness I was not wearing.”  So I smiled and said, “Well hell, give me a ticket!”  He looks at me and says, “I am gonna give you two!”

Now that is more than I bargained for and that was somewhat not expected.

Ended up getting a two-fer, one for the lane change and one for the seat belt.  I got a warning on the lane change and it is $20 for the belt.  I came home, wrote out a check for the fine, checked the box that said “guilty as hell” and like a sticky-tongue odd ball I am, licked it shut and walked it to the mailbox.  Another $20 in fuel money down the chute.

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Which is a lot cheaper than the ticket I got on the turnpike last year.

He stopped me and said, “Do you know why I stopped you?” and I replied, “Beats me.  I don’t have any coffee or donuts.”

 That will cost you $138.00 and some change.

Remember that the next time you are motoring thru our state.  Some of our cops have a sense of humor and some don’t.

OOO

Last Words

Up early this morning, as is my habit, and I am reading where the state of Ohio has limited the amount of time a prisoner facing execution can have for his “last words.”  I have to admit, I am beginning to wonder if the entire country hasn’t gone loopy?

Loopy is by the way, an age old expression (that I just made up) to imply that your elevator is not running to the top floor.  Which this piece certainly will qualify.

The good folks in Ohio have imposed a time limit on the last words of condemned prisoners.  The new rule authorizes wardens to set what they call “reasonable restrictions” on the content and length of an inmate’s last remarks.  They got a little miffed recently because a convicted murderer apologized and recited the “Hail Mary” for 17 minutes.  I guess the warden was somewhat irritated, him missing the IHOP-BOGO (Buy One Get One Free Senior Citizen Discount Meal) opportunity at 3:30 P.M. or something.

We seem to be majoring in minor things here lately … Aren’t there more important issues concerning this country or the State of Ohio?  Excuse me, but do we really need this?


Not long ago, out in the Panhandle of Oklahoma, ranchers started to notice that a lot of cattle were missing.  It being fairly evident that a rustler was working the area, the local sheriff got up a posse and they started searching the hog backs and small canyons for the lawbreaker.

It did not take long, and he was found, along with several head of cattle that did not belong to him.

At that time it was decided by those in charge, that a little prairie justice would be served on this rustler.  So they sat out and located a suitable tree, a stately cottonwood that had stood in that spot for many a year.  Immediately after throwing a rope over the first limb, the sheriff looked at the poor little rustler and said, “Son, do you have any last words, before we string you up?”

The rustler looked the sheriff in the eye, and said, “No sir.  Go ahead.”

About that time, a preacher who was standing in the mob yelled out to the sheriff, “Sheriff if that boy don’t want them last words, I will take them.”  Well, this had never before happened, the sheriff taken back a little, looked at the rustler and said to him, “Son, do you have a problem with that preacher taking your last words?”

Again the rustler looked at the sheriff and said, “No.  Just one thing.  Hang me first, I have heard him preach before.”

OOO

Enhanced Average Joe

Thought it was going to be a slow day, but it finally appeared. The first totally ridiculous statement of the morning.

I heard one today I had never heard before, “enhance the male experience” now that has to be a first. I have heard it called a lot of things during the course of my years, but I have to admit.

I have never heard it called that.

“Honey, come on in here, so we can enhance the male experience! Aw C’mon sugar, you have to be here for some of it. Please?”

Best I move on.

Can we build one for you?

The automakers are really starting to cry the blues. Many of them won’t survive what is left of this year. Almost 600 of the 2,000 dealers nationwide are out of business now, and they are losing about two dealers per day to lagging sales. General Motors credit arm GMAC now requires a credit score of 700 or better to finance a new car.  This is what happens to you when you consistently build vannila wafer, cookie cutter, fuel gulping cars … you slowly die.

Packin’ Heat In Oklahoma.

Gun advocates in Oklahoma want laws to allow carrying guns in plain sight. In Oklahoma residents can get permits to carry concealed weapons but cannot display guns openly. A signature drive is trying to change that. I suppose this means we will not be allowed to bring them to church?

A man ran for the office of sheriff in a small Oklahoma town. The day after the election he was spotted walking down the street, with a firearm strapped to his right hip. His neighbor said to him, “Carl, how come you are a packing that pistol, you lost that election for sheriff yesterday.” And he just smiled and replied, “A man with as many friends as I have in this town, ought to be wearing a gun.”

Listen up! Do we have a deal for you!

Campaign seeks next “Joe The Plumber.” Are you the Joe the plumber type? A regular American who doesn’t want Barack Obama to be president? If so, Republican nominee John McCain’s campaign wants to hear your story, in the form of a 30 second video that might be used as one of their television ads.

Now I can hear you giggling and snickering in the background and you are not buying a word of it. But it is true (Have you ever known me to lie to you? Don’t answer that question.) McCains team announced an “I’m Joe The Plumber” contest. Go to johnmccain.com for details.

You could be the next average Joe to be chewed up and spit out by the Political Machine! Is this truly the land of opportunity or what?

We are all about labeling in this country, they are looking for “Average American’s” by their own admission but refer to them as Plumber Joe’s. Why is it we do this crap. Why is it that no one ever questions the use of thoroughly unnecessary terms such as “African American, Asian American, Hispanic American, to name a few.”

We are all Americans and we are not all plumbers.

Take me for instance, how come no one is looking for “Average-Angry-White-Taxpaying-Guy” because that is what I am … don’t know a thing about plumbing and that is a fact. A nation of people who cannot agree to speak the same language, make up modifiers to describe their brothers and sisters.

It’s easy take a shot at it: Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.  See, nothin to it.

How Do They Keep Their Shirts On With That Big Heart

Akron Ohio … “Who says big biz and the government don’t have a heart? Mortgage giant Fannie Mac this week said it would forgive the debt of a 90-year old woman who shot herself in the chest to avoid being evicted. She shot herself after deputies came to evict her from the home in which she had lived for some 40 years.

Book ’em Dano … Murder One.

Los Angeles California City police officers are more likely to stop and search black and Hispanic residents than they are whites, even though whites are more often found carrying guns and contraband, according to a report released by the American Civil Liberties Union of Southern California.

Only in California.

This is the same state that in 1989 had two school districts ban the book Little Red Riding Hood by the Brothers Grim. Was it because the Big Bad Wolf’s consumption of people seemed too violent? Nope. School officials thought the story might encourage children to drink because it depicts a bottle of wine in the basket Red takes to her grandmother.

You buy your tickets … Take Your Chances

Richmond Virginia. A technical problem with a new Virginia Lottery game may have led hundreds of players to believe they won bigger prizes than they did. Lottery officials caught the mistake in its Fast Play Super 7’s game after more than 2,300 tickets were sold. Officials blamed a software problem for the misprinted tickets and asked the Attorney General’s Office whether they must pay the expected prizes.

And finally, Green River Wyoming.

Sweetwater County is considering an ordinance that would spell out where sex shops could operate. The proposal also would prohibit sexually oriented businesses from advertising on signs placed on vehicles. Outrage over a sex shop sign posted on an abandoned school bus prompted the proposed changes. A sex shop is where you go to buy products that artificially enhance the male experience or fulfill your rubber fetish, whichever comes first.

Now if Y’all will excuse me, I need to go clean my gun (the one that does not require any kind of enhancement that is).

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Parting shot: “It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for public office.”