Lost Wages

Dropping off the hill in Henderson Nevada, I gaze upon Las Vegas down below in the valley, shimmering in the night heat, she twinkled like a jewel in the desert.  I think I read somewhere that Las Vegas is an Indian term for spring or spring water.  Next time I run into the gunner I will ask him? (A friend who lives out there in that part of the country.)  My throat is parched and dry, it has been a long haul from Oklahoma.  Some 18 hours or so, now but just another log in the firebox of time. Continue reading

Things Are Bad

“Congress now rates just below telemarketers or whale poop, and we all know that is at the bottom of the ocean.”

The economy is so bad, that it is rumored that Exxon has laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad, we are putting hamburger helper in our hamburger helper.
It’s so bad, MasterCard sent us a pre-declined credit card with a zero limit.
If the bank returns your check marked “insufficient funds” you wonder, mine or theirs?

When you order a burger, the kid says, “Can you afford fries with that?”

It’s so bad, Motel Six is not leaving the lite on for you anymore.
CEO’s are now playing “Miniature Golf”
It’s gotten so bad overseas, that the Royal Family and the Queen Mummy are now officially cut back to just $50 million per year.  Your recently issued High Mileage Explorer card has been cut back to 18 miles or a trip to Gary Indiana, whichever comes first.

On the subject of credit cards.  Last month we were hit by daytime burglars and they took a substantial amount of cash, guns, and jewelry from our home.  But I did not call the cops, it turns out they were spending less on the cards than my wife, so I just sort of let it go.

When did the term “Forrest Fire” change to “Wildfire.”  When I was young, we had Smokey The Bear who was always saying … “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

Now any time a fire breaks out, regardless of location, the media deems it a wildfire.

Strange huh?

The CERN Large Hadron Collider outside the tidy Swiss city are homing in on the Higgs boson, the so-called “God particle” that imparts mass to everything in the universe.  It is supposed to be in the shape of a plate, full of money.  Awhile back some very serious people (the folks who had their science project done on time in school) voiced concern that it might generate a black hole that could suck Switzerland and the rest of the known universe into a vortex of nonexistence.

Which is kind of silly, we all know that is the J.O.B. of the U.S. Government.

(No Comment)

We have gotten so big that the U..S. Coast Guard has reduced the passenger capacity of U.S. Commercial vessels to reflect the growing weight of the traveling average American.  The standard used to be based on a weight average of 160 lbs. per passenger, but that has been raised to 185 lbs.  Most of us weigh about 235 lbs. naked and in sandals (now there is a word image for you this morning).

It was a great ride.

Three people left a bar in Steamboat Springs, Colo., mounted horses, and rode them into a Starbuck’s and Safeway.  I suppose to get some more munchies.  It was a great ride right up until the very end, when the cops showed up and they got tasered and arrested.

When you absolutely hit rock bottom … You get re-elected … Is this a great country or what?

Just read a new survey that says “64% of Americans rate the honesty and ethical standards of members of Congress as low or very low.”  Which of course is most likely the lowest rating on record since the ancient times of Rome.  Congress now rates just below telemarketers or whale poop, and we all know that is at the bottom of the ocean.

If you think this is bogus, consider this:  “Hillary has blond hair” … I rest my case y’honor.

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.  She tells the vet, “I think it’s got epilepsy.”

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

The blonde says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

Things are bad, sure.  But they could get worse.

Never, ever, under any circumstances say to yourself, “Oh well, it can’t get any worse.”  That is not true.  One time in Las Vegas after losing a goodly sum of my cash, while standing on the corner of Las Vegas Blvd and Tropicana Ave, I muttered to myself, “Aw, it can’t get any worse.”

And sure enough, worse followed me across the street to Caesars Palace.

OOO

[#1289]

No Free Lunch In Clark County

How do you know when you are old?

Interesting question, just how is it, that you know that you have changed and you are older?  Is it in the way you walk, the size and girth of your new found stomach, the sprinkling of gray about your temples.  Do you catch yourself running out of breath half-way thru the parlor amour session with the wife in the middle of the night?

What are those familiar signs of aging?  One thing I noticed personally in my case, is my appetite changed, I don’t eat as much as I used to.

When younger, I had a voracious appetite, but these days I tend to fill up rather quickly.  In my youth I ate like a horse, unfortunately, now I kind of resemble one.

The wife and I, used to make what I called regular scheduled runs to Las Vegas to “visit our money” as I put it.  Over the years, that sort of changed too.  Now we go, not so much for the gambling aspect, or the garish surreal glitter of it all, but for the food.

Las Vegas has so many refreshing, change of pace trendy restaurants to eat in, it is simply not funny.

People will be quick to tell you that “everything in Las Vegas is larger than life” and of course, “what happens in ‘Vegas, stays in “Vegas.”  That it is the “money capitol of the world” and all that jazz.  I have found at times it was entirely possible to go thru large sums of serious money in this town, that is a given.  A lot of that certainly applies now for the meals, Las Vegas now routinely posts the priciest tabs for a meal on average, of any city in the U.S..

Just for a moment, stop and consider the logistics of it all.

A city of close to 4 million, in the midst of a arid, dry desert, in the geographical center of nowhere, in one of the most inhospitable regions of the country.  And everything that they eat, consume, use or build has to be hauled in.  So it should come as no small wonder that the cheap buffet and the Steak and Eggs breakfast for next to nothing are now long gone.

Having just returned from another trip to our favorite adult amusement center, this past summer, we can testify that it is all there ripe and ready for the taking.  Bring your appetite and your credit card, put the feed bag on as my Daddy is fond of saying.  You still can have it your way at just about any hour of the day or night.  Just depends on your tastes, whether it be steak or lobster, a crisp taco on the side … you can find it all in Las Vegas, the only glitch is, “you won’t find it for free.”

A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant on The Strip and ordered the “Chicken Surprise.”  The waiter brought the meal, served in a cast iron pot with a lid.  Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she caught a brief glance of two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asked her husband.

He hadn’t, so she asked him to look in the pot.  He reached for it and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down.  Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.

“Excuse please,” said the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replied, “Chicken Surprise.”

“So sorry,” said the waiter, “My mistake… I bring you Peeking Duck!”

Last day of the month, we can put this one in the can.  Tune in tomorrow and we will tell you the easiest way we have found to remove the cap from a bottle of Snapple … When you reach my age, you need every break you can get.

OOO

Rounding Out The Last Of It

time


Found myself sitting around most of this day watching Beach Video’s on cable.  I like the “eye candy” and there is the added “suspense factor” that they interject into the segments.  Will Bobby be found by his mother before 28 minutes after the hour, when the commercials are scheduled to run. By the way, “they always find the missing tyke and he/she is reunited with his/her mother.”

Most of the time it is a lost little boy and I don’t know why it is that way but it is.

End of the year wrapping up here in the Heart Land, time to start considering what it is that we are going to try and do different in this New Year. Which country we will invade in the name of Democracy, where we will park the new aircraft carrier named after the president when it comes out of the shipyard.  My old Carrier is slated to be sunk and made into an artificial reef somewhere off the east coast.  I wonder in the New Year … Whether or not Bed, Bath & Beyond will have a sale in January or even still be in business by say … July?

Mostly I wonder if I will ever shell out $8.50 a pop to see another Adam Sandler movie, which is highly doubtful.  Not big on resolutions, but here is one that I could make and keep, without any problems whatsoever.  I could make an honest effort at being a much milder, congenial person ….. Naw, screw that, why would I want to tear down this wonderful reputation that I have spent years building in one day?

One thing I have settled in on for sure, is managing my email account a lot better than I did this past year, it has been for lack of a better word rather pathetic.  A chaotic mess of this and that, I hope in the New Year to organize it better and stay on top of it.   So there are a few things I wish to change, and most likely will.  I suppose we all have a little bit of the “hopeless dreamer” in us all, and we swear up and down, we will fix things.

All those pesky bothersome things that usually do not get fixed.

This is the time of the year when some of us naturally start thinking of last minute giving, beating the tax deadline of the 31st of the month and find something that can not only benefit us financially but also give you a jump on those pesky New Years Resolutions that the majority of us make, but never seem to keep.  Fortunately for Cup Cake and I, years ago we started out with virtually nothing, and somehow, we have managed to keep it all intact.  We won’t be giving anything more than we have already, we just don’t have it.

No big night out on the town either, we will stay inside our warm abode, close to each other, huddled in the dark listening to the gunshots in the neighborhood.  I remember one New Year in particular, we were in Las Vegas, and when the appointed time came, everyone was kissing everyone else, it was nice, and I have to admit, “kind of hot” until the wife looked at me and declared, “You kiss one more woman, and you will NOT be having a good year, you understand?”

In the movies, the hero always gets a last cigarette, a last request, just about anything that he requests, is granted.  Not here.  I get the final warning and not so much as a blindfold.  And of course …. “Before I kill you, there is ONE THING I want you to know.” So much for good times on Fremont Street and lip-locking with beautiful females of the opposite sex.

Ah, the once a year “I am gonna become a better person” syndrome (which in my case is HIGHLY doubtful) has arrived and it is time to re-arrange our lifestyles, our priorities and take charge of what is left of our lives. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone.

 

What Men Bake For The Holidays


Think I will go make some cookies, get my mind off of all this.

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Chummin The Waters

Down Girl … Down!

With his electoral prospects fading by the day, Senator John McCain has fallen out with his vice-presidential running mate about the direction of his White House campaign. McCain has become alarmed about the fury unleashed by Sarah Palin, the moose-hunting “pitbull in lipstick”, against Senator Barack Obama. Cries of “terrorist” and “kill him” have accompanied the tirades by the governor of Alaska against the Democratic nominee at Republican rallies.

Mark Salter, McCain’s long-serving chief of staff, is understood to have told campaign insiders that he would prefer his boss, a former Vietnam prisoner of war, to suffer an “honorable defeat” rather than conduct a campaign that would be out of character – and likely to lose him the election.

“Some will say, jeez Sarah, it’s getting negative. No it’s not negativity. It’s truthfulness.” The crowd bellowed its appreciation with chants of “Nobama” and “Go Sarah Go!” Meanwhile back at the cabin, ninety miles from Russia …. Look kids … Mommies’ on TV!

All Juiced out

OJ Simpson is still locked down in Sin City, Las Vegas, after recently losing his court battle, some say he should have played the “race card” and he said that he would have, but the Obammer crowd was already using it.  The New Jersey Hall Of Fame is open now, some of the exhibits are Jack Nicholson, Bon Jovi, and some dude named Vinny.

Thanks … But No Thanks

Laxatives at dinner, drinking vinegar and electric shock treatment… Welcome to extreme spa detox. Anna Pasternak spends a week extreme detoxing. Here she reveals the results As a spoiled spa junkie, I’ve pretty much covered the whole global gamut: ayurvedic abhyanga (oily massage) in the Alps, Chi Nei Tsang (deep and delicate abdominal delving) in Thailand and shamanic stuff in the States.

Man, you have to be kidding me. I think I would rather be fat and lonely than do this. This is worse than my last job at Weight Watchers. Yeah, no joke. I got $8.40 an hour just to stand in the corner, and the instructor would point at me and yell …. If you keep eating Twinkies girls … THIS is what you will look like! Read the entire story here.

Keeping Track

Last week’s papers were full of Hazel Wheeler, and her amazing life story. In 1941, aged 14, Wheeler found a blank diary in her parents’ attic. She then went on to post an entry every day, without exception, for the next 67 years. Now that is what you call discipline, eh?

The main joy for the press has been that, in the past 67 years, there has been no global event – however cataclysmic – that didn’t take second place to Wheeler’s reports on her knitting, baking, or domestic arrangements.

Actual entry: “President Kennedy was assassinated as he drove through Dallas today. Shot through the head. Baked macaroons and scones. Did knitting”

Now who says “Politics’ are important in America?”

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Related:  Baracks House

Case Sensitive … Do Not Use !!#@#%!!

Browsing the net this morning and I come across this site that says:  “passwords are case sensitive, you cannot use !!#@#%!! in your screen name.”  And I thought back to the days of my youth, when my mother would stand on the front porch and scream …. “Don!  Get your !!#@#%!! butt in this house, and I mean right !!#@#%!! now, and when I got there she would say, wait until you !!#@#%!! father gets home.”

Well I got to tell ya … It brought a tear to my eye.

(No, honest, it !!#@#%!! did.)

Speaking yesterday to the annual Conference of the White House Initiative on National Historically Black Colleges and Universities, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice admitted that there are too few African-Americans in her agency. “I can go into a whole day of meetings at the Department of State — and actually rarely see somebody who looks like me,” Rice said. “And that is just not acceptable.”

Here is an idea, “Buy A Mirror.”

If you are BORN in the USA then you are African nothing, you are American.  We need to drop this hyphenated crap and become ONE country.

More Big Oil Collateral Damage …One of the nation’s largest Hummer stores will shut its doors.  The Dan Towbin dealership in Las Vegas “is at least the eighth Hummer dealer closing this year, nearly a 5% decline in the brand’s U.S. dealer base.” The WSJ notes that, “with the national average for a price of gas resting at $3.66 a gallon, it costs $84 to fill up Hummer’s smallest model — the H3.”  No more toys for the Big Boys … Pain at the pump has gone to terminal, beyond hope …

It’s time to do your part America … Buy A Truck.

Here it comes, get ready.  One of the oldest scams government pulls on people is the “MORE for more LESS scam” and it appears it is on the horizon.  Cash strapped public transit systems nationwide are now cutting services and raising fares even as more American’s ditch their gas guzzling cars and take to public transportation.

We are now going to see more (fare) increases and more service cuts at a time when the nation is trying to encourage people to use public transit.  The greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority has proposed a 50-cent fuel surcharge on fares and a 12% cut on services because diesel prices are up and funding from a local sales tax is down.

Just yesterday the news reported on an Oklahoma company that was manufacturing bio-diesel in our state.  At the end of the media piece they reported, “Don’t look for it here in Oklahoma (the low priced fuel) because the majority of it is shipped overseas to markets where they can realize $12 a gallon for the fuel.”

One thing we are getting good at these days, and that is “shooting ourselves in the foot.”

Curious about the value of your house?  Zellow.Com will tell you how much they are selling for in your area.  Ours apparently is somewhat like a U.S. Savings Bond … The longer we keep it, the less it is worth.

Higher Edu-may-cay-shun … In 2005 authorities sized the assets of California Alternative High School, a chain of 30 private schools, and ordered it to stop handing out diplomas.  The schools, which taught mostly non-native English speakers, charged $450 to $1,450 for a course based on a 54-page curriculum that was loaded with errors.

Among the things the students learned:  There are 53 United States; Congress has two houses – the Senate for Democrats and the House for Republicans; and World War II occurred from 1938-1942.  Kind of sounds like Bush’s alma matter.

And finally:

The Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) has decided to repeal a policy requiring all players to speak English. Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) is incensed at the change, saying that “the players on the tour that will pay the price in the long term for not speaking English.” Tancredo accused the LPGA of caving to the “politically correct left.”

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. (Please note I did not say Italian-American men)  They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

‘Emma come First.  Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses. They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.’

The lady can’t take this any more, ‘You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.’  She retorted indignantly. ‘In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.’

‘Hey, coola down lady, ‘ said the man. ‘Who talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi‘ ”

$5.00 says you’re gonna read that again.

000

Parting shot:After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.”

New Headlines

Portland police are not above the parking laws, even if they’re hungry.  Officer Chadd Stensgaard, who parked his patrol car illegally while making a dinner-break stop at a Japanese restaurant, must pay a $35 fine, Traffic Court Judge Terry Hannon ruled Wednesday.

The infraction came to light thanks to Eric Bryant, who was at the restaurant with friends when Stensgaard parked in a curbside no-parking zone. Bryant, an attorney, filed a citizen complaint against the officer in March.

Bad cop – No donut.

Three men were arrested outside of Reno, Nevada for spray painting rocks and defacing federal property, trees and trail markers this week.  The damage was estimated at around $1,000 and the names of the accused were as follows:  Alfredo Perez, Efrain Beccerra, and Gabriel Amaya, more than likely some of those “good folks who only come north to work and a better life.”  Buy ’em a can of spay paint so that they can write their lawyer in Mexico City a letter.

We have some new headlines for The Bad News Gazette.

Attempts to renew Little League activities fail once again due to the complete ban of all competitiveness for children.  Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4,532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Silicon Valley janitors approve new contract promising $156.76/hr starting salary. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Cloned cockroaches presenting significant pest problem. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.  Al Gore loses big toe from frostbite in the Artic filming a documentary on the last iceberg.

Barry Bonds lobbies Major League Baseball for entry into the Hall of Fame; says even though his hat size is now up to 22 is not proof he ever took steroids. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.  Oklahoma City hopes to have a name for its looted basketball team by the end of the year.  New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.  Major air carriers across the U.S. annouce a $14 fee for just “inquiring about a possible flight to anywhere.”

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.  Some American’s have still not received their stimulus check.  It is now legal in Vermont to burn your furniture during the winter months in order to stay warm.  Temperatures set a new record in downtown Los Angeles, 126* and rising.  Glacier National Park is renamed Big Rocky National Park (no more glaciers).

Las Vegas puts online a second sewage treatment plant and the bad news is now there are ample supplies of treated sewage water … The good news is, there doesn’t seem to be enough to go around. Utah voters set to approve smoking only in privately owned bathrooms in homes. While the ban on all smoking by non-residents remains the Law of the Land.  Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton unite over proposal to ban the word “ask” and replace it with “axe” in all U.S. Schools.

The novel To Kill a Mockingbird is banned from schools as it promotes a depiction of a hate crime and actually encourages racism.  Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines and hanging chads.  American Idol losers go on USA tour and sing Old Beatles tunes, the ghost of John Lennon appears in New York City asks a cab driver to “please just shoot me again.”

Creative Endeavors writes a post on Coffee and WordPress.Com actually puts it in the category that it was linked to entitled … believe it or not … “Coffee.”

Have to go, almost time to catch the bus downtown.  With the high price of gasoline, I am doing my best to find a suitable mode of alternative transportation, which believe me, is not easy in Oklahoma.  I have to walk two blocks north of here to catch the bus.  There is a bench which is usually occuppied by some old geezers just like me, headed downtown.

Often the conversation is stimulating and quite interesting.

First Okie:  “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”   The second Okie ponders on the subject a little, then turns and says  …. “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?”

All that … And the fare is only a buck.

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