Hump Day Fodder

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Let’s get busy boys!

WASHINGTON – House and Senate leaders marked the first day of the 111th Congress by preaching bipartisanship Tuesday and promising to start work quickly on President-elect Barack Obama’s economic proposals and issues ranging from climate change to health care.

Oaths of office were administered, anti-war protesters staged demonstrations and lobbyists cruised through a series of receptions to celebrate the day. More than a few new members said they were eager to get started.

Cheney administered the oath of office to several people and swore in Joe Biden.  Let us hope that he doesn’t turn old Joe into a Cat’s-paw like he did with Bush.

Oxymoron — National Intelligence.

Mr. Obama has picked the leaders of his intelligence team, taping former White House chief of staff Leon Panetta as CIA Director, and retired admiral Dennis Blair as head of National Intelligence.  Which is what we didn’t seem to have a lot of under this last regime of bozo’s.

During the 9-11 crisis I understand that Bush sent Connie to Ireland to pick up some sensitive information from an agent named Murphy.  Her instructions were to walk around the town using a code phrase until she met this fellow agent.  She found herself on a desolate country road and finally ran into an Irish farmer.

Hello” she said, “I am looking for a man named Murphy.”

Well you are in luck little lady” the farmer replied, “As it happens there’s a village right over the hill where the butcher is named Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are named Murphy, matter of fact, my name is Murphy.”

Aha, Connie thought to herself, here’s my man.  So she whispered the secret code to the farmer:  “The sun is shining — the grass is growing — the cows are ready for milking.

Oh” said the farmer, “you are looking for Murphy the spy — he’s in the village over in the other direction.

Sin Tax — I told you Atlanta was a fun place

Atlanta – A legislator favors imposing a fee on strip club patrons. State Sen. Jack Murphy of Cumming said he’d like to see Georgia charge between $3 and $5 per person. The Republican said the money could go to child abuse programs and services for young people caught up in child prostitution or other sexual exploitation.

Taxing a lap dance, man, that is rich.  Wonder how much they will collect for a … oh never mind.

Now as an illustration of how impossibly wrong ALL OF THIS IS and how fast it can get out of control, the “Porn Industry” is asking for $5 billion in aid from the government.  Do you realize how stupid we must appear to be to the rest of the “sane people” inhabiting this planet.  You can read all about it here.

Letting it all hang out

VAIL, Colo.  – A guy who dangled upside down from a ski lift with his bare bottom exposed probably doesn’t want to hear any “ski bum” jokes.  Officials at Vail Resorts in Colorado say the 48-year-old man was trying to get on the Blue Ski basin lift on New Year’s Day. They haven’t said what went wrong, but he got hung up, and his pants came down.  Workers stopped the lift, backed it up 10 or 12 feet and rescued the man after about seven minutes. His name hasn’t been released.

Bystanders snapped photos and posted them on the Internet, showing a man who looks to be hanging by one ski boot, his ski pants and underwear apparently snagged in the chair and reaching no farther than his knees.  Now the resort wants to fire the employee who took the pictures on his day off and posted them to the net, claiming it was not in good taste.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

ST. PAUL, Minn — A scorned 21-year-old told her ex-boyfriend that he couldn’t prove she was the one who vandalized his apartment on three occasions – but then, police said, she posted a picture of the damage on MySpace. The woman was charged with two felonies for the vandalism.

According to a criminal complaint she doused the inside of his house with paint – splashing it on the walls, toilet, washing machine, computer and other furniture. She also allegedly filled the house with trash, impaled a teddy bear on a pole with a knife through its head, and caused other damage. The woman was still on the lam Tuesday.  Yeah, it sounds like she was set-up to me … Not!

Thinning of the herd

A German billionaire caught up in the world Banking/Wall Street Mess, has evidently stepped in front of a train thus ending his life and stopping his failed business empire that was sinking rapidly.  He is now the third known suicide worldwide to be caught up in this mess.  His death was listed as a railway accident, if he had jumped out of a window for instance, that would have been massive deceleration.

It’s official now – You are screwed.

Earlier in the week we reported that the fund for the television converters was going under, the government officially announced that it is now tapped out.  $1.34 billion in money ran out on Sunday, and now anyone who wants a converter box coupon will be placed on a waiting list.

Amazing, when you want it from them, you are on a list, when they want it, they just waltz in there and take it.

Now for the good news, only 103,000 people are on the list ahead of you.  18 million coupons have already been redeemed and now you will just have to wonder about it all.  Why women on TV always have skimpy low-cut blouses, are trim neat, appear fantastic, are always on top when they have sex with the guy next door.  And of course, “will I ever get a box and be able to watch television again?” $40-$70 for a box and no luck, trillions to a banker and you know the rest dont’cha?

Dancin’ with Jose — Cha-Cha-cha.

With dropout rates soaring among Hispanic students, mariachi music programs, long popular in parts of Texas and California, are spreading to schools across the country to help keep the nations largest and fastest-growing ethnic group academically engaged.  We can’t teach them English, nor civics, or manners but we are going to teach them all to dance?

The Best for Last — Laura Bush to publish a memoir

First Lady Laura Bush has just signed with Scribner Books to write her memoir.  A 2010 release date is expected, no word on how much she is being paid.  I would more than likely venture that her book will be vastly better than Sarah Palin’s or Joe the Plumber.  I can just see it there in my minds eye —

Chapter Two, it is late at night, the White House is eerily quiet, I look at George asleep in the bed, his head is on the pillow, he looks so at peace with the world.  The fruit jar full of gasoline is in my left hand, and the BIC lighter in my right, I tell myself over and over … trying to convince myself … It is for the good of the country, it is for the good of the country.”

I can’t wait.

000

Cuddling with Yangyang

Now that the election is officially over, what happens to all that money that is left over?  I was wondering, if they (the people that helped get Mr. Obama elected) will get a Christmas bonus.  It appears that everyone else is getting a wonderful package of something this year, everyone but the taxpayer that is.

I wonder how much NBC, CBS and ABC will get?  I am also noting that the stock market, ever since the election has concluded, has been in decline.  You know what the means don’t ya?

“The Stock Market is racist.”

Where is Joe Biden?  All of a sudden, he is nowhere to be found.  Could it be that because of the recent choice of Hillary he has decided to just sulk, wasn’t Old Joe picked for his “expertise in the foreign field?”  Barack Obama is “either shrewd or delusional” picking Hillary.  I don’t know what is up with that, but I cannot figure it out to save my life.

Thanks are in order.

Recently the Obama camp put out a note thanking the press for their coverage and John McCain thanked them also for that “one positive story” they ran on him last December.  I hear Ann Couter has fallen and broke her jaw, and it is now wired shut.  Rush however is reported to be doing just fine, on some days you win a few and you lose a few.

C’mon Orin are you outta your mind?

Senator Orin Hatch from Utah is proposing that outgoing President Bush give convicted felon (his new title) Ted Steven’s a pardon.  Now the door is officially kicked open to grant a pardon to a convicted felon, “for his years of faithful service to the country.”  What a crock.

The man should get probation for the rest of his natural life, he should forfeit his pension and/or benefits, and should be dismissed from the highest body in the land.  He is a disgrace, he is not a national hero.  Senator Hatch needs to sit back down in the cheap seats and be quiet.

Recently I came across this little eye-opener.

Several years ago I was in a training course on Capitol Hill in which we had an instructor from the Library of Congress. She explained that it was her job to answer any question posed by a member of Congress. She told us that the two dumbest questions she’d ever heard were printed out, framed, and hanging on her office wall.

The first was a Congressman who called one day saying he needed information “on the pros and cons of child abuse.” The second was a Senator who called at 11:15 one morning saying that he needed to know by 11:30 “what Abraham Lincoln did after leaving office.”

Dumbfounded, she told the Senator “he took a very slow train ride back to Illinois.”  For this the Senator thanked her and hung up the phone.

The instructor then turned to our class and said “THESE are the people running our country!” If she’s still alive our instructor is probably saying the same thing about Orrin Hatch today.  As much as I am afraid to say this …  “I don’t believe even Bush is this stupid to consider pardoning this guy.” … But I have been wrong about Bush before.

Don’t get sick … Man, don’t get sick.

I just finished a bout with some especially nasty stuff, at first I thought it was food poisoning but now, I am not sure.  Vomiting, diarrhea all the associated nasty stuff.  Made me think of all these poor souls in Asia, Africa, third world countries, that deal with this type of sickness on a daily basis because of bad water.  I cannot imagine how miserable life would be if this was an ongoing all the time thing, it surely was not fun for me.

And to top it off, it is very expensive these days to get sick.  Taking a look at the health care stats in the Bush/Rove era, it’s clear that most Americans have seen a decline in their health care at the same time that health insurance companies have reaped tremendous gains:

Since 2000, the ranks of the uninsured have grown by 7.2 million.  Health care premiums have doubled under Bush. Employer-sponsored health insurance premiums have risen from $5,791 in 1999 to $12,680.00 in 2008.  The fastest growing component  fastest growing component of health care is health insurers’ administrative costs.

Enrollment in Medicare private plans doubled. Through such plans, insurers “have increased the cost and complexity of the program without any evidence of improving care.”  The combined profits of the nation’s largest insurance companies and their subsidiaries increased by over 170 percent between 2003 and 2007.

Now there are two good reasons to live in Canada

First, they have socialized medicine and it is cheap, not the best, but it is reasonable.  And their courts have just ruled that if you are obese you are officially “disabled” and therefore have the right to two seats on an airliner for the price of one.  So go ahead, have that extra piece of Canadian Bacon this morning, it really doesn’t matter in Canada.

Bad Week to be a Russian

Global market forces are starting to apply in the Soviet Union and a recent survey has found that the average Russian is drinking about six times less vodka due to financial hardships.  The government has to to do something for these people trying to afford the most basic essentials of life.

And finally as promised yesterday (Tuesdays Funnies).

Anthropomorphism, after a Chinese college student climbed into a zoo pen so he could hug a panda  bear.  “Yangyang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him” said the student from his hospital bed.  “I didn’t expect he would attack.  I don’t remember how many times I got bit.”

Kind of reminds me of my first wife … she was so dog-gone cute and cuddly in the beginning … but towards the end … well it just brought a tear to my eye it did.

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Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.


Honey Wagon Xpress

Someone told me that in Korea, the truck that comes around and empties the septic tank and hauls off the human waste is refered to as the “Honey Wagon.” Which got me to thinking, “If that is the case, then there must be a REALLY BIG Bee Hive around here somewhere!” And if you think that is bad, try doing this woman’s job (A really stinky job) and then be glad you are where you are.

Senator Joe Biden has done nearly one hundred press interviews since being tapped as Obammers running mate on August 23rd. Alaska governor Palin has done three. September was a great month to write about politics on the Web. The Los Angeles Times had an all-time-high (137 million page views last month), the Washington Post (topped 33 million) and both Slate and the Huffington Post set their own traffic records.

It’s tempting to give Sarah Palin credit for these new waterlines—she’s ubiquitous on every site’s most-read lineup, among the most blogged-about people in the country (including celebrities and fictional characters), and far and away the most searched-for political figure in America.

So, how much credit does Palin deserve for driving page views to the media elite she so disdains? Beats me, but she is stirring up the pot that is for sure. Meanwhile I hear Obammer is speaking to a group of Missouri hog farmers, concluding that Democrats need candidates who “speak in language familiar to, among others, the disaffected hog farmers of Missouri.”

I also read where the Nobel Peace Prize’s have been awarded.

Finland‘s ex-president Martti Ahtisaari received the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday for his efforts to build a lasting peace from Africa and Asia to Europe and the Middle East.

George Bush did not receive an award for economics.

Iranian President Mahmoud I-got-my-dinner-jacket-on who famously claimed last year in New York that there were no homosexuals in Iran has conceded that “there might be a few gay people” in Iran practicing what he calls a “unlikable and foreign act.”

This from a guy who helps to provide and build roadside bombs in Iraq.

A Connecticut judge has given the brush-off to a blonde woman’s lawsuit claiming L’Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products. Charlotte Feeney of Stratford says she can never return to her natural blonde hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants.

She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blondes receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time. But most of all, she is going to miss being locked in the basement and being declared last year’s hide and seek winner.

Been There .. Done That … Got the Shaft.

Four miles under the ocean’s surface off Brazil‘s lush coast lie billions of barrels of recently discovered light crude — a treasure that could transform the country into an oil superpower. President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva called it “a gift from God” and pledged to end chronic poverty and narrow the country’s broad gap between the rich and the poor.

Yeah, that is what we thought too.

But before rhetoric becomes reality, Brazil must first get to the underwater reserves, among the world’s deepest, and then manage a massive influx of wealth — a formidable task that has left other national economies awash in corruption and even greater gaps between the rich and poor.

Meanwhile here at home. Oil tumbled more than $4 to a one-year low on Friday as growing fears that financial market turmoil will squash demand for fuel outweighed the possibility of an OPEC production cut at an emergency meeting in November.  But it has made driving to the unemployment office a little bit cheaper.

No Room At The Inn

Now here is something that is bass-ack-wards if I ever heard of it … Most Japanese inns and hotels that didn’t have foreign guests last year don’t want any in the future, according to a government survey released Thursday.  The survey carried out by the Ministry of Internal Affairs shows that 72 percent of establishments that didn’t have foreign customers in the past year don’t want any, and the majority are ryokans and hotels with fewer than 30 rooms.

While the majority of such establishments do accept foreigners, the survey showed the country’s more traditional inns are not as hospitable, even as the government mounts a major campaign to draw more tourists from abroad.  Duh?  I don’t think you have this right, if you want tourists, you don’t tell them they are not welcome. C’mon over here to America, everything is dirt cheap and we will leave a lite on in the window for ya.

PSST…can you keep a sexy secret?

The credit crunch is getting us all down but here’s some news to put a smile on your face: great sex is free! Sex therapists Georgia Foster and Beverley Anne Foster reckon they know four secrets to unlock your passion potential.

The secrets are revealed in their new book The Four Secrets Of Amazing Sex which says: “We focus on the mind as much as the body. It’s not a book about sexual positions. Anyone can have sex, but to have amazing sex, your mind needs to be participating.” So read the guide, below, and make going through the motions a thing of the past.

1. SEDUCTION

The first secret deals with how to sustain a heady passion. Most people assume they need to be seduced to feel sexy – wrong! We first create the desire in our own mind. It’s your responsibility to understand what turns you on.

2. SENSATION

The second secret is all about the six senses. Absorb the energy, as well as remembering smell, touch, sound and taste. The six senses are often overlooked in our busy lives, but without them sex is dull.

3. SURRENDER

The third secret is when you feel safe to surrender and have sex. Thanks to secrets one and two, your mind is ready and your senses alive. You need to feel you want to be there and your mind is present to feel connected.”

4. REFLECTION

If you’ve had fun with the first three secrets, reflection is about looking back on the experience and feeling you want to do it all again. If the experience is bad, people will look back on it negatively and may avoid a repeat performance and lack confidence.

Now here are some more tips to help create a new sexual you. Ignore that niggly voice in your head saying your thighs are fat or your bum wobbles and tell yourself you are gorgeous and believe it. Trying new moves in the bedroom can be scary, so agreeing on a non-verbal sign on when to call time can help build trust and confidence. Purchase a cheap police style whistle. Grab a moment to sit down with your other half and make a list of what originally made them turn your knees to jelly; it’s easy to forget why what you found attractive next to a mound of washing up. When you are down there, remember to breathe. When people are anxious they shallow breathe. A good relaxation method is; take deep breath, hold it for five and exhale. Repeat three times and feel your nerves melt. Make one small change each time you have sex. It will keep it fresh and stop you from just going through the motions. If you cannot remember who’s turn it is to get tied up … Do what me and the miss’es do …. Play Prisoner Of War instead.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST … THIS COULD BE TIP #5 … IT IS ALSO VERY, VERY IMPORTANT … YOU MUST FIND A WILLING PARTNER.

000

Sources:

Friday Out-Take

Friday, always liked Friday, don’t really know why, just do. Maybe it is because there isn’t any Dancin’ With The Stars on Friday, No America’s Got Talent, Survivors, or any of that other Hollywood garbage.

You watch the Emmy’s this year? Don’t feel alone, a great many people did not tune in, we however watched it. Mama likes to see what they are wearing.

Most of it is on loan or borrowed to begin with, but that doesn’t seem to matter.

Celebrities making appearances at awards shows and movie premieres expose an average of 59% of their skin, which is really good if you are a seventeen-year old kid, and your parents are not home.

That percentage is up from 39% in the late nineties. After scanning thousands of celebrity photographs and videos, I am sure they have also determined that the least skin-flaunting decade was probably the seventies, this is because most of the stars were doing good Coke in those days, and hardly even bothered to show up for the awards at all. Let us say 7% of the time that sound reasonable to you?

I figure if the trend continues at this rate, most of the movie stars will completely naked by 2030.

Yesterday I rode my bike over to McDonald’s’ for my morning “Rubber McMuffin” and I happened to note that they have a new menu out. Also have gone up considerably on their prices. Starbucks who was recently cutting back on all their stores nationwide has met the challenge of the recession, by introducing the $2.45 cup of hot chocolate! If you want the “tall cup” it is about $2.85. By the way, this is the same ultra-rich drink that they dropped two years ago, but have decided to bring back, just as pricey but not as rich in taste. 

Isn’t just swell, knowing that during times of tough sledding you can count on your favorite haunts to “raise their prices” and help you through the tough times?

If this doesn’t boil your blood, nothing will. A Wisconsin prison inmate serving time for homicide has been awarded $295,000 by a federal jury because he was forced to sleep on a moldy mattress. Following a 2004 prison riot he was forced to sleep on the mattress for sixty days. I smell the ACLU in the woodpile here somewhere.

But honest … I really needed this stuff yo’ honor. A New York lawyer has failed in his effort to deduct from his taxes the $322,000 he spent on prostitutes, pornography and sex toys. He claimed they were for a medical condition, ED, and I am not talking “Electoral Dysfunction.”  Nice try … No cigar.

Major shocker! Former American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken revealed to the world that he is fact, gay. Now that is a real yawner there isn’t it? I mean, other than Ryan Seacrest, who cares?

Here Kitty-Kitty-Kitty! A dispatcher in Casper Wyoming told an officer his services were needed to shoo away a house cat. Instead, the officer found an 80-90 lb. male “mountain lion” at the location. A game warden later tranquilized and relocated the cougar. Talk about an erroneous dispatch.

Sarah Palin’s machine gun toting belly button showing picture hit the tabloids yesterday, once again we are ahead of the curve and I found that somewhat amusing. Another thing I find funny about the Vee-Pee-Wanna-be is how she refers to McSame as her “running mate.” Here is another one that is a real hoot  … “A Palin and McSame administration.”  It appears, that we might have a possible replacement for the all too popular “Bushisms” doesn’t it?

Now isn’t that cute? A lot of folks find themselves enamored with the Vee-Pee Elect because they find her to be “just like me.” I don’t understand why people would think the best person for the job would be just like themselves. This is the problem with America, we are too quick to settle for mediocrity in this country. We have no hero’s left and we should be looking for bright, intelligent, outstanding citizens not ordinary people.

We tried this approach in the past two elections ……. And look where it got us.

  • What’s Obammer’s plan for health care reform … We don’t know.
  • Do you know what McSames’ plan is for the economy … We have no idea.
  • What are Big Joe Biden’s view on the environment … I could not tell you.
  • Big Joe messed up in Ohio this week when he made a speech about “closing all the coal-burning plants” in a coal rich state. Yeah, like that dog is gonna hunt Joe.
  • How will Sarah deal with someone like IranHeck if I know.
  • Do you know about her pregnant teenage daughter … Why, of course, I am informed voter you know.

Hippies have been fighting for years to legalize it in Canada. It’s high-quality, enjoyable, and pretty harmless. Today, Vancouver, BC legalized it. Vancouver city council voted Tuesday afternoon to give a green light to low-speed electric vehicles.  One apparent drawback. When the Wonder Bread truck comes at you and T-bones you for running the light, you will do some serious sheet time at the local hospital.

A woman bought a house on E-Bay this week for one dollar and seventy-five cents, sounds good doesn’t it.  Bet you it is only worth a dollar twenty-five by Monday.  Far too many powers have been invoked by the Bush administration under a banner of urgency and fear.  And then of course, they have abused them (the powers granted) now we are once again being asked to bail out the financial sector with no judicial review or Congressional look.

While we are on the subject of dead wood.

Former President Bill Clinton revved up a crowd on behalf of Obammer in Florida Wednesday, his first since the Democratic convention. And though he repeated his mantra that Democrats don’t have to “say one bad word” about their Republican opponents to win the election, Clinton actually snuck in a dig against Sarah Palin.  Might be down there for a box of cigars or something … think about it, it’ll come to you.

Online braggin … After a group of college students hyped their party business on MsSpace by saying they’d hosted more than 100 events. When the state of Oklahoma then hit them with a $320,000 tax bill, the students insisted they’d hosted only 20.  Not-too-smart.com

The Marion County Prosecutor’s Office in Indianapolis, Indiana, said Wednesday that no charges will be filed in the strangling of a man who broke into a home with the intention of sexually assaulting a 17-year-old girl. David Meyers, 52, died after a struggle with the girl’s father, Robert McNally, 64, early Sunday morning. Prosecutor Carl Brizzi said McNally acted in defense of his daughter and that charges were not warranted because of the nature of the incident.

Who says there isn’t any justice in America anymore?

At least that is my take on it this Fridayhere in the Heart Land. So all you Bush Lovers, if any of this upset you … you will get over it. If you don’t find yourself with a sense of humor, you more than likely don’t have any sense at all. You can tell anyone and everyone that John Q. Public, at Creative Endeavors, a member of the public or the community, a person, citizen or the public or community personified said that.

Please send all rebuttals and/or comments to the local office of the Republican party, our box is full.

My name is not important, but I did pay for this message.

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Salacious – Sad – Sunny

Welcome to the Creative Endeavors home page and gift shop … How may we serve you? Trusting that you had a marvelous weekend and things were pleasant and comfortable, it is now time to once again to face the new week.

What will this week bring?

Sarah Palins email got hacked and someone got into her computer, someone spent several hours trying to get into John McCain’s computer, but that is okay, it was John McCain. An Al Qaeda video that has surfaced has been called by the Bush administration, propaganda, Iran said it was noteworthy, and Hollywood as expected, gave it an Emmy for best video of the year.

N.O.W. (the National Organization For Women) has announced that they are endorsing Obamma for the presidential ticket, you know who Obamma is, the guy that doesn’t have a woman on his ticket. An Islamic cleric has legalized marriages between adult males and girls as young as nine years old. In related news, my cracker neighbor has just announced that he is converting to Islam.

In a recent poll, 57% verses 47% said that they would rather watch football with Obamma than with John McCain. However in another poll, 98% said that they would rather watch a football game with Sarah Palin, than with Joe Biden.

You remember Joe Biden don’t you. He is the guy who said that “FDR during the depression came on TV and got everyone up to speed on the crisis at hand, and that he was a take charge guy.”

Unfortunately, it was Herbert Hoover and sorry Joe, TV had not been invented at that time. Close but no cigar.  I know that you have to be a U.S. Citizen to be President of the United States, do you have to be a high-school graduate to be in Congress?  How can all these people “consistently get it wrong?”

When I heard that McCain’s running mate had named her children, Track, Willow, Bristol, Piper, and Trig I was kind of taken back. A lot of us like to believe that this is the country we grew up in, where people gave their kids names like Alameda, Savannah or Puff Daddy.  I miss Hillary.  Hillary after all was from Arkansas, a southern state, where things occur naturally.

Like the daughter coming in and sayin …  “Momma, Billy Ray stuck his Henry Johnson in my who-ha, and now my tummy is gettin’ big … If’n it’s a boy Momma, can we name him Skeeter?”

Over the weekend the Japanese announced a new fast speed camera lens. This thing is so fast, it can actually track Obamma changing his positions on Iraq, National Defense and gun ownership. China-Mart still has regular lenses on sale, these being much slower are perfect for capturing images of McCain driving down the interstate at 35 MPH in the Straight Talk Express in the FAST LANE with his left blinker on.

The Food Network has changed their site, and it is almost impossible to find the TV shows and the recipes for the wife, she is miffed and frankly, so am I. What is it that makes these geeks constantly go in and tinker with sites and change them around? Why cannot they just leave it alone, when it is working just fine, and is not irritating the old geezers out there such as myself.

BTW (by the way) thanks for the encouraging emails on my recent doctor visit in preparation for another year of life.

I wasn’t feeling all that well, so I checked in for a check up, and the doctor said, “I have some disturbing news for you Mr. Smith. According to the latest lab work, you don’t have much time left.” Of course I responded with “that is terrible!, how long do I have Doc?” He paused a little and then said “Ten” and again … I flipped out totally and asked him … “Weeks? Months? What is it?” and the doctor interrupted and said …. “Nine … Eight …”

Been slow this weekend, Cracker Boy is changing up his webpage, Author is writing a piece on the dash, but her being English and all, she is calling it the “Mind The Gap.” I think it has something to do with the dash on your tombstone, the interval of time between when you are born and you die, but I am not sure. Local Malcontent is strangely silent, but he is in “love” so that is understandable.

There is this horrible email floating around on the A.I.G. $85 million dollar buy-out that is as bogus as the day is long, don’t buy into it.  Some really bad math in this thing, about as bad as Palin and Bidens’ recollections on past history. The usual assortment of the “this guy is a dirty low down no good egg sucking dog and cannot be trusted” floating around too.

Or in other words … Thirty-seven more days.

Well, if you will excuse me, I am gonna go watch the Food Network, today they are going to have Gina and Pat cook up some of their daughters’ favorite foods. With BBQ Shrimp, Sloppy Joes, Rotel Dip and Piggie Butter Cookies, Shelby and Spencer are sure to enjoy their favorite dishes! Later on, Duff takes the staff on a field trip to a tattoo museum and the staff works on cakes including a duck hunt, frogs and lily pads and an EMT from Amarillo revives a run over armadillo.

So much for the Salacious, Sad and Sunny on Monday.

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Random Musings

Just finished reading some 1400 words some guy wrote on why he wants to commit suicide, and I thought to myself, “Man, talk about writer’s block?” There has to be something better than that to keep a guys fire stoked than that.

Friday Nite in the Metroplex, should be starting out for a night on the town! Y’sir, like them “good old days” when you rocked the house down and ate at Denny’s at 2:30 a.m., with the rest of middle class white trash, and other forms of humanity. Now is the time, when we should be starting out, but we are actually heading for bed. Times change, such are the frustrations of life.

Gonna get cool tonight, might have to lite up the old heater? Believe it or not. I am reminded of the old joke where a guy goes skydiving in Oklahoma. He is taken up about 12,000 feet into the air, and the door opens and he goes out. Geeeeeeronimo! He yells, reaches down and pulls his rip chord and nothing happens, he looks up and there is no chute!

At about that time, he looks down and sees this body hurtling upward from the ground at a high rate of speed, and he yells out to the guy …… “Hey Buddy! Do you know anything about rip chords?” and the guy approaching at hundreds of miles per hour shouts back ….. “No, do you know how to lite a gas burning heater?”

No good huh. Well whadya expect for free?

Took the lawnmower to the lawnmower shop and was going to drop it off, but there were no people there to leave it with, it appears that even lawnmower people take a holiday. I had originally bought the thing because I got tired of pushing one and I wanted a lawnmower that pulled itself. In the beginning, when it was new, it did just that, but now it has reverted to the status of a PUSH mower and that simply will not cut it. Thus the need for a trip to the repair shop. Such are the frustrations of life ….

Uh, give it up boys! No more nude pictures of Sarah Palin please, I am not stupid. Someone is going to get into serious trouble passing out all of this bogus garbage. Contrary to popular opinion, it will not be me. What I consider interesting, when Hillary was running, they were not passing anything like this from site to site, she must not have what it takes to excite the average voter.

Often I will dream something that is so vivid, so real, and then later on, wish that I could remember the dream in its entirety. Today during an afternoon nap, I had such a dream. It was about a Chicago crack-head, lying in a sterile room in a hospital, on the verge of dying. His wife and his kids were there, just slightly out of reach and the dream dealt with his thoughts of life and death. The dream dealt with the processes in play, as life ebbed and slowly drained away …….

It was so dramatic and very profound, it touched the core of my being, and yet, I am sad because I cannot remember the body of the dream, only bits and snatches of it. Now later on, I am at a definite impasse, I feel a loss, because I am unable to illustrate it. Such are the frustrations of life.

A good lunch today, Chinese Food, my favorite.

It is healthy fare, and these days, most of everything that we eat is not. Again, I am on a quest for the “ideal solution to health issues” and wondering about what it is that I am supposed to eat. Much like the crack-head in Chicago, I am struggling with what will keep me alive and what will eventually lead to my demise, we have a lot in common, he and I. Most everything we eat is unhealthy because the food companies are good at finding ways around the FDA guidelines and usually give us something “other than what we are buying” anyway. Best bet, if you see the word “contains” anywhere in the packaging, pass. It is not going to be good for you.

ASK NOT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY … ASK WHAT IS FOR LUNCH?

Along the same vein … Rumor going around that Joe Biden is going to bow out for “health reasons” and that you-know-who is going to take the second spot for the-you-know-what … and that should effectively be the absolute end to American politics’ as we currently know it. Now I am not all that sure it is real or rumor, as I read it on another site …Such are the frustrations of life …..

Gasoline dropped fifty-cents per gallon in two days, reason I know, I filled up two days ago, at the HIGHER price. Someone, I don’t know who, has gouged me out of about $12 or $14 on this tank, and I am somewhat piqued (upset) about it. That is hard on a guy, trying to meet all these things head on, how are you supposed to keep it within the guidelines, when someone is always coming by and moving the sticks.

Now the latest wrinkle seems to be “Zero Interest – Zero Financing” on a new car, which appears to be a tad bit on the desperate side to me. Why not just give me the car and be done with it?

Sitting on the porch this afternoon, cool breeze caressing and stroking my tired brow. Often wish I was independently wealthy and could afford a laptop. I could sit out there and write, write, write. Dell has one out now that has a battery life of 19 hours, and it is under $700. One feature that really appeals to me is “instant on” that is cool, no time lost sitting there waiting for it to load. But there is no laptop in my future, I am too busy trying to tank up at a reasonable price (I told you I was hacked off about it, didn’t I?) and buy a burger from time to time.

Instead I read.

I am reading this book that says “sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.” The other eight are not all that really important. Actually when you come to think about it, sex is nobody’s business except the three people involved. It has been so long since I had sex, I forget who gets tied up, that is from my cousin Steve. I had to bury this in the post, now let’s see if they can find it (perverts)? You want a big hit day on your internet site, just insert the S-E-X word somewhere in the title of your post. You see, I buried it here, 1,107 words deep, smart move, most folks have tired of this and moved on long ago.

There is another one … Verbose hacks on the Internet …… Such are the frustrations of life.

I sure wish someone like Ross Perot or Steve Forbes would run for president, get someone in there that “at least knows something about money” the economy needs a good shot in the arm, Larry King needs some more interesting guests. There has to be more to life than the occasional Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld commercial. Another thing is buggin’ me is movies, if they’re cranking out 10-20 new movies a year, how come we are relegated to old re-runs (encore performances) on every channel … Such are the frustrations of life.

Perhaps I have spent too much time dwelling on all this wretched sin in my life, this Friday evening. Beats watching an old re-run of Murder She (snooze) Wrote. Might be time to sit down and pound out something on all the indulgence in our wretched little lives, too much stuff, an article on being totally frustrated and lost, in our time of quiet desperation and hopeless addictions.

I don’t know if it would make me feel any better about things in general, but it would certainly get my word count up.

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