Hey! You! Get Off My Cloud.

1mThis the time of the year when Were-Wolf-Loonies such as myself secretly go nuts. (Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men … My ass … I want to kill something! Might tackle that one tomorrow)  A friend of mine when describing me to someone, will always say that “I am a somewhat sick, twisted, perverted and evil individual. But I kind of like that in a person.”

Which brings me to today’s post.

“Have you ever wanted to, but just did not do it?”

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Swimming In The Gene Pool …

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This is for all those unfortunate souls who are not grandparents at this time.  You could possibly consider it a warning of sorts.  Grand-parenting is unique and sometimes difficult.

When you do reach that juncture of life, you will find a rude awakening headed your way.  When that grand-baby arrives, be it a boy or a girl, doesn’t matter, you (the grandpa) will immediately sink to the bottom of the food chain.

We have six grandchildren, most of ‘em boys, and the youngest is about three now.  He is a real hoot, I get a kick out of him.  He has the wife wrapped around his little finger.  His act doesn’t work with me, I am usually a “No” vote.  When this happens, he is not disturbed in the least, he goes to the living-room and looks for Grandma. 

She is HIS lawyer in all disputes, and he usually wins when she represents him. Continue reading

Flu Ride (Audio)

 Flu Ride

(Parody of Seigh Ride)

Just hear those noses snifflin’
Sore throats ticklin’ too
Come on it’s lousy weather
To be sufferin’ inside with the flu
Outside the snow is fallin’
Your fever’s at 102
Let’s take some Alka-Seltzer
And a box of antihistamines too

We’ll bring some Kleenex with us
And sing a chorus or two
Let’s let my red nose lead us
In a sleigh ride in spite of the flu
Hack it up hack it up fling it up let’s go
Phlegm chunks in the snow
We’re coughing up a yellow and green rainbow
Cough it up cough it up cough it up
oh man
There’s some on my hand
My glands are puffed and swollen
And every hour I pee
My throat’s as rough as leather
And raspy as it can be
Let’s take some Kleenex with us
And sing a carol or two
We’ll make our noses redder
On the sleigh ride
To go with the flu

My kid came home from preschool with a cough today
He’ll infect the whole darn neighborhood in about a day
Well be calling in sick to work until the diarrhea stops
At the pharmacy we’ll get lots more pills to pop
Pop pop pop

I took every medication I can legally buy
For coughing sneezing sniffling and the watery eyes
I’ll be gettin’ real drunk on NyQuil
I’ll take Contac ‘till I’m high
This wonderful buzz is great
But I’m glad I don’t have to drive

Just hear those noses snifflin’
Sore throats ticklin’ too
Come on it’s lousy weather
To be sufferin’ inside with the flu

Outside the snow is fallin’
Your fever’s at 102
Come on it’s lousy weather
For a flu ride together with you

Man I just love this Christmas Stuff!  Falla-llal-lah.

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Thanks to KZOK 102.5 FM

Daddy’s Toddies …

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One of the things I really enjoy or look forward to this time of the year is Egg Nog.

Super Sweet and Ice Cold as it slowly slinks its way down my throat to my stomach, it often triggers an emotion of … well … it is just good stuff.  Being a diabetic I am not allowed this luxury of life, and it is not good for me, which means I have to sneak it in the house in a brown paper bag, and hide it in “MY” refrigerator.

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(By the way … Every man should have his own refrigerator, put that on your list for this year)

Unfortunately sometimes in life, we often unknowingly consume things or liquids that are not good for us. Here is an example:  It was a bad week to be a manager at Applebee’s in Michigan. The restaurant has apologized for serving a toddler tequila other than apple juice.

His mother said she knew something was amiss when her 15 month old son started saying “Hi and Bye to the walls” and that he eventually laid his head down on the table.

The poor kid was later found to have a blood alcohol level of 0.10 which would make him legally drunk in a lot of states if he were driving.

Applebee’s has promised a full investigation, this should come before the court case and the litigations.

I know this is a serious thing, don’t get me wrong.

Like I said, this time of the year it kind of reminds me of Egg Nog, and my dad, who was an alcoholic. When we were small children, he would make my sister and I “Hot Toddies” (Egg Nog, Jack Daniels, Cinnamon, warmed and served in a small decorative glass) at Christmas time.

We (my sister and I) didn’t know the drinks had booze in them, and they were sweet and tasted simply wonderful. So when this adult role model freely offered us this sweet, warm elixir from the dairy heartland, we lapped it up.

As small dinkers, we just assumed they were “part of the Christmas tradition” in our home. We didn’t know our dad was getting us swacked.

Mom would come home from work and exclaim, “Jeeze Loren, the kids sure seem to be in a good mood?” and he would shrug his shoulders and say something like … “Aw, it’s Christmas, you know how they get.”

Most of my family are now gone and the Holidays often do not represent a happy time for me personally. If your family unit is well and intact, treasure the time you have to spend with them.

As MasterCard is so fond of saying … “That is priceless.”

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Lover’s Day

20090204_045645_valentine2_pinupRecently I noted that someone who writes a daily “grammar blog” has come on board for a following/subscription to this blog.  This of course worries me, I am a grammar blog writer’s ultimate nightmare.  I used to have a university professor that followed me, drove her nuts.  She nailed me all the time on apostrophe’s, said I put them in the wrong place and was constantly pointing this out.  Last I heard, she had gave up and was working a rig in the Balkan Field in North Dakota as a tool pusher.

Let’s talk of Lover’s Day, that magical time of the year, that is quickly approaching.  

Soon the WordPress.com media will be full of nothing but happy, sappy, posts about this illegitimate holiday. Time is running out for a lot of guys, Valentine’s Day, that illegal estrogen enriched time of the year sponsored by all the chocolate manufactures and of course, jewelry shops nationwide is now clearly visible on the romantic horizon.  A banner day for Hallmark Cards I suppose … and the immediate downfall for the poor sucker who forgets.

Some of these holiday’s are suspect anyway.  Did you know that last Friday was “National Wear Red Day?” Well, it was, “If I am lying, I am dying” as my buddy Billy Raye Littler used to say.  This month, b’sides Valentine’s Day we also have President’s Day (the 18th) we ought to buy him and the family a one-way ticket to Borneo and give him a carton of Marlboro’s.

But I digress … sorry.

My marriage firmly locked down in the layered bedrock of the planet, established way back years ago, when the earth was still warm, does not require a yearly injection of false admiration and adoration, so I assume I am free.  I should be able to slide under the radar, much to the chagrin of some of you other suckers who will not.  All I have to do is remember to pick up the seat and I am okay for a month or two on the by-ways of matrimony.

Not a big fan of the holiday, as you can see.

My feelings about Valentine’s Day are mixed.  I remember as a small lad, we were required to give Valentine’s cards to all our young classmates in school.  The teacher would give us a list of each child in the class, and we were to dutifully fill out a little sentiment and then pass them around on the appointed day.  This gesture was to be seen as goodwill and friendship, but in reality, quite cruel to the kids who were an exception to the rule, and received no cards whatsoever.

I never cared for it.

Most of the time, the man is going to “get something for himself” and then pimp it off as a gift for her.  Box of chocolates, something racy and sweet, from Fredrick’s of Hollywood (for himself).  Now when you are secure in your relationship, you do not have to spring for these things.

One of the readily apparent benefits of a libido in retreat and being older, is the fact that at our age a trip to the Catfish Cabin, some shrimp, a short well timed visit to the Salad Bar and later, some bread pudding and you are set.

I would even venture that both would cost about the same in the end.

In my younger days, being the sleeze-ball that I am, I would have opted for this new thing on the market … The C-string.  Have you seen one?  Here is a photo sampling for your perusal and a live demonstration.  This would not be suitable for showing at work, so check the room first.

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As you can see, this clearly leaves little to the imagination and is a testament to the female form.

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Here is a working example of a C-string on some lovely, I would assume it is Mexican Television, it sure would not be aired here in the U.S.A. even Fox would not touch that (pardon the pun).

Clearly this is not a gift for the older audience but for the younger set.  Most of us who read this site, would be just as happy with a new toaster over.  I don’t know where the chocolate would fit in, but then again, it is the thought that counts.  Best get busy and do some shoppin boys, time is running short.

Please remember, “do not go overboard.”

OOO

Possibly Related:  Here is a lighter look at the subject of love, Timber Wear from a few years back.