Swimming In The Gene Pool …

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This is for all those unfortunate souls who are not grandparents at this time.  You could possibly consider it a warning of sorts.  Grand-parenting is unique and sometimes difficult.

When you do reach that juncture of life, you will find a rude awakening headed your way.  When that grand-baby arrives, be it a boy or a girl, doesn’t matter, you (the grandpa) will immediately sink to the bottom of the food chain.

We have six grandchildren, most of ‘em boys, and the youngest is about three now.  He is a real hoot, I get a kick out of him.  He has the wife wrapped around his little finger.  His act doesn’t work with me, I am usually a “No” vote.  When this happens, he is not disturbed in the least, he goes to the living-room and looks for Grandma. 

She is HIS lawyer in all disputes, and he usually wins when she represents him. Continue reading

More Not Fresh Pressed Baloney

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REACH OUT AND BUG SOMEONE:  Went to the telephone store yesterday.  I look at the kid and say, “My telephone bill is five dollars high this month, can you tell me what is going on?” he says, “Let me see your bill.”  I say to him, “they don’t send me a bill, they do it all electronically.”

So we walk over to the computer and I give him all of my identification and the name of my first born male child, we are off and running. He says to me “Here it is.  You had 12 photographs at .50 cent each.”

Now as our kid is really proud of his kids, and sends pictures of the youngest standing next to a trash can all of the time.  Some months ago, I had this feature disabled on my phone (along with text messaging at the same time) or at least I thought I had this covered.  I am not supposed to get photo’s or text, I am just supposed to get telephone calls for new storm windows, carports, septic tank pumping, miracle weight loss cures, stuff like that.

I tell him this, the nice kid, who still has lipstick on his cheek where his mother kissed him good-bye this morning. 

He offers me nothing.  So I say to him, “I never got any pictures, this has to be a mistake.”  He says, “Let me see your phone” and he looks for the pictures that I received that are clearly not there, and this shrugs his shoulders and says, “Must be some kind of glitch.” He removes the charge and gives me a credit, which doesn’t really put anything back in my bank account, so we may or may not be done with this issue, I am not sure.

I then ask him, “How about these junk telephone calls, am I being charged for them?” and he says, “No.”  I ask him, “so I am not charged for them even if they leave a message on my voice mail?”  He says, “Oh that is different.  If you open your voice mail and listen to the message, then you are charged for the call.”

Hmmmmm, “this means, that I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t, wouldn’t you say?”

He smiles, and says … “Yes sir.  That is about it.”  Nice kid, most likely will be some kind of politician one of these days.

FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES:  I live in what they call a “Fly Over State” and see a lot of aircraft in the sky.  Have you ever wondered how many airliner’s are flying above this country at any one given time?  The numbers are clearly amazing, it would astound you.  I often look up at see the contrails in the sky and wonder where it is they are going and why so many of them are up there.  Here is a link, you can check it out for yourself.

The technology of this site amazes me.  Lot of interesting data can be found.  I clicked on one that said it was Air Force One and I found a shot of Mr. Obama’s aircraft on its first pass over Texas, you can see it here.

EIGHTY-NINE CENT PIE:  We are at the Root N Scoot, I have to buy my lottery tickets for the game on Tuesday.  I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich … but I would not mind smelling bad.  Anyway, this gal, all decked out to the nines in jewelry and stuff, bling-bling (I don’t know if it is real or fake, but it looks nice) walks up to the counter, lays down a .89 cent pastry.  No big thing, right?  Then she pulls out a credit card and pays for the pastry with the card.  Now here is the rub, she walks outside and get into a Lexus SUV.  What is wrong with this picture Boys n Girls?  Sort of like this thing one of our readers sent to me this week:  

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This is kind of hard to read, here is what it says:  “A woman said she noticed her purse missing from her car just before 5P.M. Sunday. The car was parked at her residence on Hornet Drive.  The woman said the car had been locked, and her purse was in the back seat.  the purse was valued at $400, the wallet was valued at $200, and cash in the purse was reported to be $800.  Also missing were the woman’s Food Stamp Cards.”

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it.

ALL TANKED UP:  Subject: New gasoline coming to your gas station. Folks pay real good attention to this one.  Those friendly folks at the EPA (which stands for Exxon Prostitutes, whores and a**holes) all those unelected buddies, we have in the government have come up with a new wrinkle to get you out of your car.  Watch this video about E15 gas if you have a car older than 2012.  There is a link to the story on Fox News, but if you go to that link, surprisingly the video and information is “missing.”  Hmmmmmm?  Over on Utube you can find it all.

This move by the oil companies and the government together is in your best interests.  You see as we all slowly digress to a nation that produces nothing but debt, if we do not have an ample supply of doctored up gasoline (which insures our sucking off the petroleum tit for the next 100 years easily) we will not be able to deliver pizza’s to each other and get them to the house while they are still warm.

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Is this statuetory rape?  Or is it just a moosedemeanor?  

(Stop laughing! This is serious.)

Now I am off to the tireshop.  They put four new tires on my car last month to the tune of almost $700 and the right-front will not hold air for some reason.  I just can hear it now … “Have you been running your car with the ignition turned on?  This could affect the outcome of your final billing Mr. Smith.”

OOO

Summer Ends

 

Not being a big fan of October, I put up the Hammock this week.  I sure hate that, along with all the blood & gore associated with television this time of the year.  October is the Devil’s Holiday, or at least it seems that way.  People cutting up people, biting each other’s necks, the constant din of chain saws invading my space.  Who needs that?

Where is Forrest Gump when you really need him?

It is hard to keep your equilibrium this time of year.  Last week I was in a Cracker Barrel restaurant, and they had Halloween stuff on one side of the store and Christmas stuff on the other.  October is a real mood swinger let me tell you.

If you cannot tell by now …. It has been a lousy week.

Some folks refer to it as one of those “maybe I should have stayed in bed” kind of weeks.  Middle of the week, I tried to download a ring-tone for my phone. Figured if I had George Strait or Reba singing to me in the tire-shop, it would make me impotent, er, important. Cost was $3.99 and when I got done, I was way over twelve dollars!  Guess I am just technically challenged or impaired.

One of my biggest fears in life, is the fact that I will someday die, and when I get to the pearly gates, an angel will ask …. “Screen name and password please.”

Uh …. huh?

Cooler in the morning now, summer is but a faded memory, git ready. Weather guessers are saying we are headed for a big weather change. I do notice that the days are getting shorter, takes the sun longer to come up in the morning, winter is setting in. No songbirds in the yard and all my winged friends have gone south, I feel neglected and alone.

Boo! Bet I Scared You ha-ha

 

A definite chill in the air and football on the tube. Soon to be sitting down to a sumptuous meal and video clips of Dallas losing again on ABC.  Raking a big pile of leaves in the backyard and watching the grandson delight with glee when he skillfully hides himself from his little sister.  Using the automatic car wash now instead of doing it in the wash bay yourself.

The rest of the time it is windy.

To add to the misery it is an election year, and we all know the name of that tune don’t we?   Leadership you can trust … integrity restored … a chicken in every pot … Ad nasauem.

(In other words … Grab Your Wallets)

 

"WE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU"

Today here is my DVR reality. Ax-Men marathon, a couple of hours of sawing and multiple tree-felling, cussing so frequent that every other word seems to be bleeped and it ends up being a chain-saw fed mess of incomprehensible mayhem, truly male television at its best.  What a testosterone rush … Tune me in.  Which even on a bad day is still better than watching some ghoul get a stake driven into his heart.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of American Progress

Good Day – Bad Day

Listen guys, all this stuff you have been sending me telling me that if I just forward it on and pass it to my friends it will bring me good luck.  Well, it aint working. Please just send me some money, chocolate or gas vouchers.  Thanks.

Bad Day – Good Day – What are my choices?

Time to mess with the clocks again, the only sane place in America, seems to be Arizona. They don’t mess with the clocks in Arizona, and my hat is off to them.

This coming Sunday I will have another period of time, one hour, to muse over certain things in my life that need attention.  I could for instance, give serious thought to the the idea of ending war on the planet, being as it is America that starts a lot of these conflicts.  Did you know that in 1928 all the world powers (at that time) outlawed war under the 1928 Kellogg-Briand pact.

But it evidently didn’t work.

An extra hour of time for wondering.  For instance, “What in the world is that piece of green stuff in my refrigerator and why won’t she throw it away?”  Cleaning the refrigerator girls, only will consume twenty minutes of your hour, and the life you save, may be your own!  Did you know that 28% of all American’s have some sort of fecal matter on their hands, and 55% of all the employees at Bueno Taco have it for sure.

One whole hour, I could:  Make up new jokes for the grand-kids when they come to visit. For instance: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies? (Because you can see right thru them!). What is dead and plays soccer? (A ghoulie) what happened when the ghost disappeared into the fog? (He was a mist).

One whole hour, with which, to do as I please. Why are all the craters on the planet Mercury named after famous artists.  I could pose for a picture, how about that nude guy, the thinker, just sitting there, seemingly lost in it all.  I could do that … but in my present condition I would just look like I was sitting on the throne constipated or something.

What a deal … What a deal.  And I still have fifty minutes left.

Someone called my blog “innocuous” this past week, that certainly was a blow to my pride.  I had never considered this little piece of the planet that I support and feed …. innocuous (unlikely to offend: not intended to cause offense or provoke a strong reaction and unlikely to do so … an innocuous comment … harmless in effect) and I was somewhat taken by surprise by this observation.

Here all this time I thought it was “hard hitting, to the point, and making a change in the thought patterns of those of us that live in the Free World.”

Turns out I am harmless.  Which at my age is proving to be mostly correct in all endeavors. But I will not bore you with the gory details.

My ##$#%! Printer quit, so I thought it was the inker, so I trot down to get a new one. The last one I bought (recently May of this year) was $21.80 and now the sucker is up to $32.44 plus tax.

Thank You so much Mr. Bush, there is a bus leaving in ten minutes …. Be under it.

Man, how much are we supposed to take, they keep passing it on to the taxpayer/consumer. Electricity last year, $110 a month, this year, $148. Natural Gas last year, $42, this year $61. City services, water, garbage, etc last year $45 this year $60. I now understand the Department of the U.S. Treasury is suggesting printing a new five dollar bill, and Abe Lincoln will be wearing a T-Shirt.

This morning I am reading in the paper where suicide is on the rise in America, divorce is up, increased financial pressures are coming home to roost. The rates have been dropping for the last ten years, but now are on the rise. Be careful on Monday, Monday mornings are the worst day of the week for heart attacks, specifically at 10a.m, this is the hour of the day they seem to be most prevalent. So if your cranky boss schedules for a ten a.m. sit down in the “how come chair” be prepared.

I could possibly grind on and on for the better part of a couple of pages on this subject, but I won’t. As my sainted Grandmother used to say …. Look for the rainbow, there is always a bright side to everything.

On your way home from work today, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.  Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

This is where the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully .You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud at least three or more times, ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’ ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’ ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’

So you see … There is a bright side.

Do your level best to have a nice day, and remember, there is always some poor soul that has a job that is worse than yours.

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Parting Shot: “Just think, if the Indians at Plymouth Rock had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey, instead of a turkey, guess what we all would be having a piece of for Thanksgiving?”

(Think about it it will come to ya)