Listen guys, all this stuff you have been sending me telling me that if I just forward it on and pass it to my friends it will bring me good luck. Well, it aint working. Please just send me some money, chocolate or gas vouchers. Thanks.
Bad Day – Good Day – What are my choices?
Time to mess with the clocks again, the only sane place in America, seems to be Arizona. They don’t mess with the clocks in Arizona, and my hat is off to them.
This coming Sunday I will have another period of time, one hour, to muse over certain things in my life that need attention. I could for instance, give serious thought to the the idea of ending war on the planet, being as it is America that starts a lot of these conflicts. Did you know that in 1928 all the world powers (at that time) outlawed war under the 1928 Kellogg-Briand pact.
But it evidently didn’t work.
An extra hour of time for wondering. For instance, “What in the world is that piece of green stuff in my refrigerator and why won’t she throw it away?” Cleaning the refrigerator girls, only will consume twenty minutes of your hour, and the life you save, may be your own! Did you know that 28% of all American’s have some sort of fecal matter on their hands, and 55% of all the employees at Bueno Taco have it for sure.
One whole hour, I could: Make up new jokes for the grand-kids when they come to visit. For instance: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies? (Because you can see right thru them!). What is dead and plays soccer? (A ghoulie) what happened when the ghost disappeared into the fog? (He was a mist).
One whole hour, with which, to do as I please. Why are all the craters on the planet Mercury named after famous artists. I could pose for a picture, how about that nude guy, the thinker, just sitting there, seemingly lost in it all. I could do that … but in my present condition I would just look like I was sitting on the throne constipated or something.
What a deal … What a deal. And I still have fifty minutes left.
Someone called my blog “innocuous” this past week, that certainly was a blow to my pride. I had never considered this little piece of the planet that I support and feed …. innocuous (unlikely to offend: not intended to cause offense or provoke a strong reaction and unlikely to do so … an innocuous comment … harmless in effect) and I was somewhat taken by surprise by this observation.
Here all this time I thought it was “hard hitting, to the point, and making a change in the thought patterns of those of us that live in the Free World.”
Turns out I am harmless. Which at my age is proving to be mostly correct in all endeavors. But I will not bore you with the gory details.
My ##$#%! Printer quit, so I thought it was the inker, so I trot down to get a new one. The last one I bought (recently May of this year) was $21.80 and now the sucker is up to $32.44 plus tax.
Thank You so much Mr. Bush, there is a bus leaving in ten minutes …. Be under it.
Man, how much are we supposed to take, they keep passing it on to the taxpayer/consumer. Electricity last year, $110 a month, this year, $148. Natural Gas last year, $42, this year $61. City services, water, garbage, etc last year $45 this year $60. I now understand the Department of the U.S. Treasury is suggesting printing a new five dollar bill, and Abe Lincoln will be wearing a T-Shirt.
This morning I am reading in the paper where suicide is on the rise in America, divorce is up, increased financial pressures are coming home to roost. The rates have been dropping for the last ten years, but now are on the rise. Be careful on Monday, Monday mornings are the worst day of the week for heart attacks, specifically at 10a.m, this is the hour of the day they seem to be most prevalent. So if your cranky boss schedules for a ten a.m. sit down in the “how come chair” be prepared.
I could possibly grind on and on for the better part of a couple of pages on this subject, but I won’t. As my sainted Grandmother used to say …. Look for the rainbow, there is always a bright side to everything.
On your way home from work today, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
This is where the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully .You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud at least three or more times, ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’ ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’ ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’
So you see … There is a bright side.
Do your level best to have a nice day, and remember, there is always some poor soul that has a job that is worse than yours.
Parting Shot: “Just think, if the Indians at Plymouth Rock had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey, instead of a turkey, guess what we all would be having a piece of for Thanksgiving?”
(Think about it it will come to ya)