I Can Fix It

This morning, I have been giving a lot of thought to my recently announced plans to run for President (Vote For Me).

Coincidentally, I had an epiphany of sorts when I realized that it is not easy being “The Chief” executive officer of a country.

That kind of came home to roost, early this cool, chilly autumn morning.

Not easy being a leader these days.

I heard a story of an old Indian got appointed to position of Chief in the tribe. One day all the members of the tribe approached him and said: What weather do? The newly initiated Chief told them, “me tell you tomorrow. He then called the U.S. Weather Service and asked the man who answered up, “What weather do?” and he was given the reply, “about the same, maybe a bit cooler.

So the next day, the Chief assembled all the tribe and told them, “Cool weather … cut firewood.”

A few months went by and again, the members of the tribe approached the Chief, and asked, “What weather do? The Chief says to them, “I tell tomorrow.” Again he calls the U.S. Weather Service and asks the guy, “What weather do? The man answering the phone says, “about the same, a little cooler possibly next week.”

The Chief tells the Indians, “Cut more firewood.

Once again, the members of the tribe form a group and asked the Chief, “What weather do?” and as always, “I tell tomorrow.

He (the chief) gets on the horn and calls the U.S. Weather Service and says, “What weather do?” and the guy on the other end of the phone sez ……… “Man, it must be going to get really cold, these Indians around here are cutting firewood like you would not believe!

Here lately I have been reading a lot of this “the world is gonna end” tripe just about everywhere I look on the net. Which is ridiculous for a number of reasons. One, if you are an American that the chances of you owing a LOT OF MONEY are fairly good, and they are not going to allow you to die, you owe too much money. Second, I got a new Fiest Telephone Book recently, and they would not have put that out if the world was going to end.

So you can relax, stop all these foolish plans.

Such as storing up gasoline, kerosene, diesel, lighter fluid, oatmeal, potato chips, Doritos, green beans (no liver & onions please!), barbeque starter fluid, water (non tap water), soap, jell-o, Twinkies (these things will last over six years even when exposed to the elements), cheerios, chocolate-almond-kisses, tootsie rolls, candles, razor blades and last but not least …. Ammo.

Here is what is really sad … read that again … not one mention of clean underwear in there anywhere.

Seriously I have been making plans for after the inaugural in January. The absolute first thing that I have decided to do in my administration is get rid of voice mail. Anyone who has a voice mail machine, will either be fined or sent to prison without the benefit of parole. Especially the ones that play this sick elevator musak.

Personally I don’t really mind holding the line; I have learned to accept that. It is the God awful, punch this button for this, and punch this button for that, and if you are a member of the human race, please punch … you get the drift? I am weary of the game. While I am at it, I will re-instate the death penalty for all these people that garble out their telephone numbers on the machine so fast that you have to play it at least three times, in order to get the number.

After this last go around with the friendly folks at AOL I have decided to start a campaign that will stop people from using the phrase “Information Highway.” This new method of describing communication in America and the rest of the world has to cease. If most of these people had truly been on the “Information Highway” they would have been road kill for the last westbound Roadway Trucker headed out to the shaky-side (Los Angeles, California).

They would not have made it past the Honey Store at exit 100 near the state-line.

Moving swiftly along … As president I shall remove from television all of these shows such as Hard Copy, Current Affair, the Six O’clock news, and all these television shows that honor or celebrate crime. Also to hit the dust will be any type of Reality Programming, my idea of entertainment is not watching the bottom of the gene pool, sitting around cussing each other out, and acting like the ill-bred crack babies they are.

If you are a parent “and your four year old is running your life” you do not need a Nanny, all you need is a bathroom and a COLD SHOWER, a couple of those and he/she will get the message.

Effective immediately, a limit on the number of murders the affiliates will be allowed to show during the evening meal. (and you wonder why the folks in Europe don’t want to visit us?) There should be a cap on stories dealing with rape and other forms of violence that we have become so accustomed to.

I am tired of it, as your New President, I will put a stop to it.

There should also be a ban on hardened criminals appearing on so-called Talk Shows, and/or writing books about their crimes for self enrichment. This includes the police officers (crooked cops) who appear with paper bags on heir heads, when confessing their collective crimes to Geraldo.

We will instead, provide them with some kind of pamphlet (printed up at government expense of course) that explains that selling drugs, stealing dirty money, and beating up innocent citizens is not what they have been hired to do. Maybe they do not understand how things work in our society.

It should be an interesting year after I am sworn in, first thing we will have to do is fetch some more zero’s for our federal deficit, most everything else will stay the same. The politicians will lie about their bank accounts and diaries, continue to say just about anything to get them elected (or re-elected as the case may be). Wall Street firms involved in shady insider deals and lobbyists will still have their fingers crossed while profusely maintaining the innocence of their clients.

Some irritants will still abound in the new era. Unfortunately, that is the way the system works, you can only change so much of it. The rest of it …. Well y’know … Dontcha?

We should make some inroads, might even clean up some of the things mentioned here. Having seen nothing to convince me otherwise, I believe it is safe to announce … THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO END AS EXPECTED … Despite what you read at the checkout stand in the little rag’s they sell there. Despite what the blog community seems to be pre-occupied with.

Just aint gonna happen …… Chill out dudes.

And remember … Vote for me.


Git Your Butt Back Home …

Country Girl.

Bad news for Rosie, Jessica Simpson states today (for anyone that cares?) that she is a country girl at heart, and that she likes boys.  “I don’t care what tabloid you read, but I just want you to know that I’m just a girl from Texas, I am just like you, I’m doing what it is I love and dating a boy.” Thank’s so very much for straightening me out on that Jess, I was really worried there for a bit.  I am still a little bit concerned about this kid on American Idol, Ryan Seacrest.

Man, do I love Alabama or what?

Two brothers were arrested in connection with fishing boat thefts along Mobile Bay.  They were stripping the boats and selling their motors to local part stores.  All together they got about a dozen boat motors before police arrested them.  Wonder what a thirty five horse Evenrude is going for these days?

California Dreaming.

This one is a hoot.  A charter boat passenger who fell overboard was saved by the Harbor Police, only to struggle against his rescuers until they shot and killed him aboard the boat.  The man fought with two officers and struck one of them with an officer’s stun gun and tried to take the other officers handgun.  The man was shot once in the torso and died.  Talk about biting the hand that is feeding you?

Good Cop – Here is your Donut.

McHenry County police in Illinois are going to have a Do-nut run and they’re inviting Bikers to join in.  All proceeds are going to charity.  The motorcycle tour finishes with food, entertainment, and of course, a donut eating contest.  My money is on the cops!

Thatta boy Gov. What a guy … What a guy.

State Democrats in Nevada filed a complaint against their Governor Gibbons.  They are alleging that he abused his power to get a property tax break for land he owns.  State records show that the land was previously valued at $5,000 and the governor (A Republican by the way) had the land re-evaluated and zoned agricultural, the tax burden is now considerably reduced ….. Would you believe $15?


Undercover cops in Atlanta, Georgia are now wearing concealed cameras to capture any threatening behavior from panhandlers.  A visitor survey indicated that there might be a panhandler problem, so they are on top of the issue.  Perhaps we should get them in contact with our progressive, highly foresighted city fathers here in Oklahoma City.  They didn’t pass an ordinance against panhandling, they required the panhandlers to purchase a $25 permit in order to operate.

So in essence, even tho’ you are on the down and out, starving, it will still be necessary to pay the city in order to beg.  This is how we are going to pay for our New Un-Named Basketball Team we looted from the folks in Seattle recently.

Not only building castles in the sky, he is now living in them.

Obammer was recently in Afghanistan giving speeches on what he is going to be doing about terrorism in the future.  I don’t know where he is today, at this moment, wait?  I think I hear a helicopter  …  Said he wanted to get an early start on the program and meet, face-to-face with the folks he will be working with.  Now let’s see, he tells us that we are going to pull out the troops in the middle east, but he is telling them, we are going to take an aggressive stand on the terrorist problem?

Here is another one to beam up Scotty …… Energize.

As he began his trip designed to bolster his foreign policy credentials, the presumptive Democratic nominee spoke in Afghanistan on Sunday as if his election … and his Re-Election …. Were foregone conclusions.  “It’s important for me to start listening to them now, getting a sense of what their interests and concerns are.  This trip gives me a head-start on that process.”

Here is a novel idea.  How about listening to AMERICAN’S and let the FOREIGNERS take care of their OWN problems, and what the hey?  Maybe going thru the process and getting ELECTED first, what do you think about that?

OBRAGRA:  “If your indignation and disgust lasts for longer than four hours, consult an elected official as soon as you can.”

I swear, if I saw a snake and a politician crawlin’ in the front yard, I would have to shoot the politician.