Pull The Trigger

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Government Motors Silverado 2012, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct …

As we took a test drive the salesman (a well dressed black man wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.  Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your a** year-round. 

I had to walk back to the dealership …. Guess this guy just had no sense of humor.


Suppose we will just dig a hole and bury this sucker (make a storm cellar out of it) funeral details will be published in the near future.  Please bring your own shovel.

Thanks.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of Center For American Progress

[#1195]

End of Romance

buick

With the recent developments concerning General Motors, Ford and Dodge, it appears that America’s love affair with the automobile might be coming to a close.  I can still remember in High School, most people knew you not by your vibrant personality, but rather, by the type of car that you drove.

I didn’t have a car in High School, I had a motorcycle, could not afford the insurance. Come to think of it, I was a little short on the “vibrant personality back then too.”  Living on a somewhat limited income, the scooter route was my first adventure, I was scooter trash, a motorcycle rat, and to this day, a small part of me remains loyal to that calling.  However, I did have my fair share of big blocks, high horsepower, muscle cars in the late seventies, when gainful employment corrupted my life.

My first car was a 1947 model Plymouth 4-door, and it was painted bright orange.  I don’t recall what it cost, but it was considerably less than the $30K and more that they want for a car these days.  It had suicide doors and leather seats, big broad seats.  Lot’s of room, where a kid could introduce his girlfriend to the pleasures of life at the local drive-in theater late on Saturday Night.

Unbelievable as it may seem …. I saw my first James Bond, Shawn Connery movie, from the backseat of my old hoopie.

So a nation that was birthed on automobiles enters into another chapter somewhat void of them.  We are all being pushed into the Honda Civic/Prius mentality, high mileage, reliability and certainly less automobile as far as cars are concerned.  We will still have a rainbow of colors to chose from, but the choices as far as the car goes will be somewhat limited.  I understand that GM thinned down considerably is now only going to put out three models.

Our love affair with gasoline alley and Detroit truly blossomed in the 50’s and 60’s, it will be missed.  The poetry of it, the symmetry, bullet-shaped taillights and tail-fins, the chrome, the rumble of the big V-8 all of it now a thing of the past.

I had a “goat” and the “bird” (Roadrunner) my fair share the big muscle, high-horsepower, gasoline drinking ponies in my time.  I was an instant success, I didn’t have to dress for it, I just turned the key in the ignition and almost instantly, almost by magic, I was “cool.”  Such were the glory days.  Draggin Main on Saturday Night I was a hunk, you bet, windswept hair and huge magnetic smile, fill me up and then listen to me roar!

My testosterone rush fed by three carbs and Brylcreme, the ladies turned their heads and the guys, well they just wished they were me (not really, but this is MY story, so I can write it any way that I feel is correct).  It didn’t matter that it was my main conveyance to get me to and from work, it was also my turtle-waxed pig-iron pony, the best Detroit had to offer, and I was its master.

Over the years it kind of systematically morphed into some kind of tape playing, cup holding, family hoopie, but in the beginning it was nothing short of pure muscle.  When I was 17 and 18 I could go thru a set of rear tires in about two weeks, that is, until I realized that it was hard on the equipment and even worse on the checkbook.

Now days our cars have changed, the hard chargers are gone, replaced by the soccer moms and the SUVs’, the DVD’s playing Big Bird and Sesame Street, no more Stones, no more Grateful Dead.  Now we rush to and fro, we have play dates, ball games, we no longer have big bore Pontiac’s and Oldsmobile’s.

Life is changing and Obama Motors will give us a better deal, all we have to do is wait for the pointed headed busy-bodies in Washington to figure out a way to fund it and walla …. A new age.

Nothing lasts forever, it was a great ride, but it has run its course.  Unfortunately for old dinosaur’s like myself, it will produce another void in life to contend with, another sad note in the orchestra of time and I will miss it.

OOO

You Get What You Pay For

imagesbuy-2dour-2dcrap

Man, the news was so bad tonight, that I just turned it off and went outside in the backyard to scream!  Which really doesn’t do me a whole lot of good, but I just love watching the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and then pow!

This evening I am thinking about that old gag, where the Senator is filibustering and he says to the body, “My esteemed colleague from Alabama wants $22 million for a road, and this Senator wants $65 million for a wind tunnel project, and my brother from Utah, is asking for $85 million to build a dam in his home state.  The first thing y’know, we are going to be talking about some REAL money here.”

The time is right for a set of federal policies designed to provide stabilization, stimulus, recovery, and growth. Without action, there is too great a risk of further collapse and an ever-worsening spiral of job loss and economic decline. In addition to action aimed at stabilizing the extremely shaky auto industry and financial and housing markets, Congress should act quickly to pass measures to stimulate the broad economy and commence the road to recovery.

Which is what they did with quickly moving with Secretary of the Treasury Paulson, and he has changed the playbook three times that I know of, and seems to be flying the Treasury by the seat of his pants.  Meanwhile, Congress sits back and in their usual fashion, does nothing about it.

In broad categories, the $350 billion package outlined here includes approximately:

■$55 billion to spur demand and assist those most in need.
■$70 billion in aid for states and localities.
■$50 billion for tax cut stimulus.
■$175 billion for infrastructure investments in stimulus and recovery, including $100 billion in green job creation.

And that is the “good news” what we are not seeing or being told, is what is going to happen in the future.  When all of these federally slopped hogs come back to the trough next year for even more money.

Today, after investing almost half of the $700 billion appropriated by Congress to buttress the capital reserves of the banking system, the evidence suggests that the Treasury and the Federal Reserve have not achieved their goal of easing the cost or availability of capital. Instead, the major banks are cutting back credit, increasing fees and looking for ways to further solidify their balance sheets. In other words, “the people who promised to have your best interests at heart, have already reneged on the deal.”

The lesson for the major commercial banks in the wake of AIG’s collapse was simple: Do everything in your power to rebuild your financial strength and stabilize your credit ratings. Cut back lending, reduce outstanding credit facilities, increase fees, conserve capital, and rebuild your balance sheets. In sum, the lesson for the commercial banks is that if you want to survive — if you don’t want to be the next AIG — you should not do any of the things — such as increase lending — that the Treasury is trying to get you to do.  Now you might think that all of this is new thinking, but it isn’t.

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

Thomas Jefferson

Does President-Elect Obama represent the change we need? His mainstream appointments — largely veterans of the Clinton administration — have sparked a clamor from worried supporters. A full 31 of his 42 picks so far, are Ex-Clinton pro’s or in other words, it’s the same old circus.  But in one of the critical challenges facing the country — how to get the country out of what will be the worst downturn since the Great Depression — Obama is calling for dramatic and long overdue change.

While President Bush continues to oppose any major plan for Main Street, Obama has been calling for a substantial recovery program, focused on public investments rather than tax cuts.

And Congress must do all this by NOT giving GM, Ford and Chrysler the $34 billion they are asking for in “loans” (a few days ago they only wanted $25 billion; that’s how stupid they are — they don’t even know how much they really need to make this month’s payroll. If you or I tried to get a loan from the bank this way, not only would we be thrown out on our ear, the bank would place us on some sort of credit rating blacklist).  Like a freshly pulled bathroom drain plug, our way of life seems to be shooting down the pipe, and no one appears to be listening.  What was our sturdiest generation seasoned by World War II, is gradually fading and now that we are in charge, we are failing miserably.  They left us in fairly good shape, and now that we are running the ship of state, everything seems to be out of control.

Let’s call a spade a spade here.

GM’s outstanding stock is worth about $3 billion on the current market, why doesn’t the government just outright purchase the company, throw the current managers out, and hire new people to run the company (that would be change).  This is a bargain, considering the $18 billion they want now, and who knows what they will want in the future?  They are going to default on the note in the end, and we are going to own it outright anyway.  Why not get it for the bargain price, instead of the inflated bloated overpriced pig they are offering for market share now.  I change the channel … no help there either.

Then the media moved onto Foreign Policy.

It’s too early to tell what changes Hillary Clinton will bring to Barack Obama’s foreign policy, but she’s already had an enormous effect on his brand. Her addition to his team has turned “No Drama Obama” into “Mo’ Drama Obama.” Hillary’s appointment isn’t even official, but the Obama/Clinton narrative has already left the realm of politics. Its twists, turns, shadings, and complex emotions are the stuff of literature (When Hillary Met Barack. Sleepless in Chappaqua. You’ve Got Fundraising Email).

Late into the day and I find myself in an old familiar surrounding, the backyard, staring up at the sky and there are never any answers in the sky.  Some of us seek anesthesia of escape in strange forms, some of us seek the validation of everyone-thinks-alike media tailored to one ideological or political mindset.  We separate into our niches, shredding the fabric of our common future.

You get what you pay for … At least “you used to get what you paid for.”

Nowadays, I don’t know what it is we are getting, and it is hard to see the results, when you find yourself “constantly bending over and taking it in the shorts.”  I hope Mr. Obama understands that “if you are not the lead horse, then the view is always going to be the same.”

I am driving a 12 year old truck, that passes every thing but a gas station, and on most days, the best of days, “it might start on a cold Oklahoma morning.”

I sure wish someone would be kind enough to bail me out of it.

000

Risk Free – Buy Back

Unbelievable!  I am seeing this right?  Stores opening at four in the morning for after Thanksgiving Day sales?  Are people actually going down there in droves, much like lemmings rushing headlong to the edge of the cliff, in order to get huge discounts.  Some poor temp. worker at WalMart was actually stampeded and killed in a holiday rush throng, I read it in the news.  How tragic and sad is that?

Which makes me wonder about this.  “If they can offer these tremendous savings as they imply now, why cannot they offer them during the year?”

Chasing the buck!

Late night car sales, the promotions are running rampant, every channel.  Employee pricing, like that is a good deal?  Risk Free Buy Back, now that sounds interesting, Risk Free, yeah, I am sure.  Incredible deals, and I wonder, “If they were so incredible, how come they have all this stock left over?”

“TAKE THE CREDIT CHALLENGE!”

“ALL APPLICATIONS WILL BE SUBMITTED!”

Huh?  What else would you do with the applications?  As for taking a credit challenge, that is pretty stupid, it doesn’t take much sense to take a “credit challenge.”  Thanks to the Bush Administration, “credit these days IS a challenge” even folks with good credit cannot get a loan.

The American Psyche:  Who can believe this?  General Motors is running a commercial that says to purchase a new vehicle from them, then flatly states “Restore Your Manhood.”  Yeah, I am sure.  72 months worth of payments to an outfit that may or may not be there at the end of the loan, would be enough to restore a woody to the best of men.

Going down the tubes for a $400-600 a month car payment is going to bring a testosterone rush and put me back on the Highway of Happiness.  Sign Me Up!

In the distance, I can hear the pipes of a motorcycle bark

I’ve owned five or six Harley’s,

All of them paid for, but I haven’t one to my name

I find myself surrounded by cheap junk

In a house full of the trash of man

Never the feeling of happiness or joy

My credit cards are eating my lunch,

I barely have enough money to make a trip outside,

To fill my days, I sit in quiet desperation

I have lost more battles that I care to count

Mostly beaten down and sad

Is what I am now all about.

My candle flickers as life passes me by

No more horizons within my view

No more mountains left for me to climb

No more adventures,

or valleys to pass thru

Nothing no longer remains simple I have found

Too many questions

No easy answers

This Friday night in the Big Town

I sit patiently in my assigned spot

Waiting for the numbers to roll

Emptying my heart

and soothing my injured tortured soul

Once again,

I feel so very lost,

As if there is no place for me to go

The ghosts of my past whisper in my ear

They taunt me

One single thought does not escape me

“I am truly, my own worst enemy.”

Buy something …. Be happy …. Unbelievable.

If only it were that simple.

000

Enhanced Average Joe

Thought it was going to be a slow day, but it finally appeared. The first totally ridiculous statement of the morning.

I heard one today I had never heard before, “enhance the male experience” now that has to be a first. I have heard it called a lot of things during the course of my years, but I have to admit.

I have never heard it called that.

“Honey, come on in here, so we can enhance the male experience! Aw C’mon sugar, you have to be here for some of it. Please?”

Best I move on.

Can we build one for you?

The automakers are really starting to cry the blues. Many of them won’t survive what is left of this year. Almost 600 of the 2,000 dealers nationwide are out of business now, and they are losing about two dealers per day to lagging sales. General Motors credit arm GMAC now requires a credit score of 700 or better to finance a new car.  This is what happens to you when you consistently build vannila wafer, cookie cutter, fuel gulping cars … you slowly die.

Packin’ Heat In Oklahoma.

Gun advocates in Oklahoma want laws to allow carrying guns in plain sight. In Oklahoma residents can get permits to carry concealed weapons but cannot display guns openly. A signature drive is trying to change that. I suppose this means we will not be allowed to bring them to church?

A man ran for the office of sheriff in a small Oklahoma town. The day after the election he was spotted walking down the street, with a firearm strapped to his right hip. His neighbor said to him, “Carl, how come you are a packing that pistol, you lost that election for sheriff yesterday.” And he just smiled and replied, “A man with as many friends as I have in this town, ought to be wearing a gun.”

Listen up! Do we have a deal for you!

Campaign seeks next “Joe The Plumber.” Are you the Joe the plumber type? A regular American who doesn’t want Barack Obama to be president? If so, Republican nominee John McCain’s campaign wants to hear your story, in the form of a 30 second video that might be used as one of their television ads.

Now I can hear you giggling and snickering in the background and you are not buying a word of it. But it is true (Have you ever known me to lie to you? Don’t answer that question.) McCains team announced an “I’m Joe The Plumber” contest. Go to johnmccain.com for details.

You could be the next average Joe to be chewed up and spit out by the Political Machine! Is this truly the land of opportunity or what?

We are all about labeling in this country, they are looking for “Average American’s” by their own admission but refer to them as Plumber Joe’s. Why is it we do this crap. Why is it that no one ever questions the use of thoroughly unnecessary terms such as “African American, Asian American, Hispanic American, to name a few.”

We are all Americans and we are not all plumbers.

Take me for instance, how come no one is looking for “Average-Angry-White-Taxpaying-Guy” because that is what I am … don’t know a thing about plumbing and that is a fact. A nation of people who cannot agree to speak the same language, make up modifiers to describe their brothers and sisters.

It’s easy take a shot at it: Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.  See, nothin to it.

How Do They Keep Their Shirts On With That Big Heart

Akron Ohio … “Who says big biz and the government don’t have a heart? Mortgage giant Fannie Mac this week said it would forgive the debt of a 90-year old woman who shot herself in the chest to avoid being evicted. She shot herself after deputies came to evict her from the home in which she had lived for some 40 years.

Book ’em Dano … Murder One.

Los Angeles California City police officers are more likely to stop and search black and Hispanic residents than they are whites, even though whites are more often found carrying guns and contraband, according to a report released by the American Civil Liberties Union of Southern California.

Only in California.

This is the same state that in 1989 had two school districts ban the book Little Red Riding Hood by the Brothers Grim. Was it because the Big Bad Wolf’s consumption of people seemed too violent? Nope. School officials thought the story might encourage children to drink because it depicts a bottle of wine in the basket Red takes to her grandmother.

You buy your tickets … Take Your Chances

Richmond Virginia. A technical problem with a new Virginia Lottery game may have led hundreds of players to believe they won bigger prizes than they did. Lottery officials caught the mistake in its Fast Play Super 7’s game after more than 2,300 tickets were sold. Officials blamed a software problem for the misprinted tickets and asked the Attorney General’s Office whether they must pay the expected prizes.

And finally, Green River Wyoming.

Sweetwater County is considering an ordinance that would spell out where sex shops could operate. The proposal also would prohibit sexually oriented businesses from advertising on signs placed on vehicles. Outrage over a sex shop sign posted on an abandoned school bus prompted the proposed changes. A sex shop is where you go to buy products that artificially enhance the male experience or fulfill your rubber fetish, whichever comes first.

Now if Y’all will excuse me, I need to go clean my gun (the one that does not require any kind of enhancement that is).

000

Parting shot: “It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for public office.”


Rated “E”

This post is rated “E” for entertaining.  No, educational, uh, erratic.  THIS POST IS FOR EVERYONE … Whew?  Sure glad we got that out of the way.

Oh well, it is Tuesday, and as with all Tuesday’s I have my problems.  Much like a child in grammar school, I am never prepared for the lesson on Tuesday, I am geared up for recess instead.

Most of my days, were spent in desperate contemplation of the hour in Gym class and a considerable amount of time was devoted to “the fine art of pencil sharpening and the observation of the world’ just outside the window.  I excelled in that, but unfortunately, I found out later in life, not much demand for it in the marketplace.

I used to really get into recess, which should not come as any big surprise to anyone that is a regular reader of this page.

You cannot always effectively plan for the future, especially when you are young.  I remember when released from the U.S. Military, they told me that “I could use the skills that were taught to me in the service” in my civilian occupation.  So when I found out that American Airlines wasn’t hiring any tail gunners …. I went to work for the Railroad.

This is what happens to you when you major in recess, remember this.

USA Today is reporting that stress levels are up nationwide and surprisingly, the most affected, are not adults.  The highest stress levels in the past six months have been reported by the 18-24 crowd at 64% coming in second is the 24-34 bunch 55%, 35-44 at 47%, 45-54 at close behind, 46%.  The old geezers like myself, we are just laid back and cooling it, only 37% of them reported stress.

Which is reasonable, when you stop to think about it.  We moved all “those hard to live with people out of the house” years ago.  And we are not forced to watch “Dancin’ With The Stars” three nights a week.  Did you know that more American’s voted for the winner of American Idol than voted for Bush in the last election?  True.

Might be a good day to talk about that “three ring circus” (the great American Dog & Pony Show) in the Nation’s Capitol, but to tell you the truth, I am really tired of it.  So much like T.Boone Pickens latest book (The First Billion is the hardest – Crown Business, 260 pages, $26.95) I am going to take a pass.  Having the lowest stress levels in the above group did not “just naturally occur.”  Often you have to work at it.

Good and Bad News:

Phoenix, Arizona has told home builders there that they are to install water collection systems on new homes and that they are going to collect rainwater from these systems for the watering of plants and outside shrubs.  Which is a good idea and a bad idea.  It is good to be geared up to “green thinking” and all that, it is bad, because as anyone knows.  Phoenix is in the Sonoran Desert portion of the American Southwest and generally speaking …. It doesn’t rain there much, if at all.

Biting the hand that feeds them.

Hard to believe, but like beggar’s with outstretched hands the U.S. Auto companies are trying to entice the public to purchase a new car.  Only thing is, “they are going about it in the wrong manner or fashion” if you ask me.  Now they are telling us that in order to buy a new car, we need to bring MORE cash and a larger down payment is going to be required of us.

Tighter credit standards are forcing many car buyers to put up more cash in order to qualify for a loan.  The average down payment last month was $3,108.00 which is up 42% from the same time last year ($2,194.00).  It is like some kind of shark feeding frenzy on the American consumer these days.  General Motors wants to buy Chrysler and of course, they are lining up at the Federal trough to see if they can get some creative financing in the Great American Give-Away currently enjoying a nice run in Washington DC these days.

These dumb-bells ought to take a lesson from U.S. Oil, we stopped buying their products, and we effectively proved to them that we can do without oil based-products and we can do without these new cars too.

Eat Your Oil

OPEC (namely Venezuela and Iran) are crying the blues, they are now saying that they are cutting back on spending and projects in their respective countries because of the low demand for oil.  It seems that their profits are down some fifty percent and they are experiencing a hardship.  Now everyone …. All together now … One big collective sigh for our poor energy rich oil partners. Now didn’t that feel just swell boys & girls.  Actually that is a misnomer, we (America) get most of our foreign oil from places other than Venezuela and Iran.

Canada and Mexico for instance, are big suppliers to the U.S. and it is not $700 billion as previously reported but rather around $230 billion per year, big difference.

Anchor’s Aweigh

Not to be deterred, the Boys in Dubai went shopping this week, the oil rich energy czars bought the Queen Mary II and she is going to sail to Dubai on her last voyage.  After four decades of plying the oceans of the world she is being retired and will be converted into a five-star hotel in Dubai, the flashy Arab resort Center of the Middle East (United Arab Emirates).

This leaves the sister ship with the same name still plying the oceans for a little while longer, with peak oil, there will come a time in the not so distant future, when all of them are parked and converted.

“Uh, maybe the Woodpeckers were not a good idea?”

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark . One: Don’t miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you’re stressed, float awhile. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Now, wasn’t that nice? Pass it along this Tuesday, tell all your friends, and make someone else smile, too

000

Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.