Geronimo! … Sky Diving Tony

Most of his life, Tony carried with him a dream, a whim, a wishful longing to do one thing.  It was to skydive once in his life, then one day after sitting thru the Hollywood feature of The Bucket List for the third time, Tony made up his mind.

He was going to do it.
He was going to skydive and it would be soon.

Shortly thereafter, he found himself signing up at the skydiving school at the local municipal airport.  Each day at the appointed time, he would show up and intently listen to the in and outs of skydiving.  The what to do, and the ugly, what NOT to do of this perilous sport. 

Tony did not waiver, his fear subsided and a new excitement entered his life.  It all seemed so simple, what could possibly go wrong?

The instructor would lay it all out in uncertain terms.  “You go to the door.  Brace yourself, when I say go, you go.  Yell Geronimo, count to three, and pull the rip chord.  Look up and you will see your chute billowing up above you.”

Then one student inquired, “What if that doesn’t happen?  I mean …. Uh …. What if the chute does not deploy?”  The instructor said, “That is a splendid question!” 

All the students in the class (about four of them as I recall) hung anxiously on his next statement.

Clearing his voice he said:  “If that chute does not open, which in rare cases does happen, cut away from it, and pull the emergency ripcord handle on the second chute.  Look up, you will see the second chute deploy.  At that time you effortlessly and serenely glide to the ground where a truck will meet you and haul you back here to the airport.”

On the day of the much anticipated event, Tony was prepared and anxious, geared up and ready to roll.  They loaded up, took off and quickly reached the required altitude and found themselves over the drop zone.  The rich color of the Florida landscape overwhelmed Tony as he gazed out the window and marveled at its beauty.  The instructor yelled out “Positions!” 

He moved to the door.  He braced himself. 

The instructor screamed above the wind and motor noise …. Jump!

Geronimo! … 1-2-3 …  Tony pulls the ripcord. 

Looking up, he see’s nothing, no chute.  Hurtling towards the earth at break neck speed he notices another person coming up thru the clouds also at a high rate of speed.   Tony yells out to him … “Hey buddy, do you know anything about rip chords?” and the other guy yells back, “No … Do you know how to properly inflate a used truck tire?

Tony realizing that time is almost up, cuts away and pulls the Emergency rip chord and looks up for chute #2 … Nothing. 

No chute. 

Looking down at the earth rushing up to meet him at a high rate of speed he mutters under his breath to himself, “I’ll bet that damn truck isn’t going to be there either.

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Just My Luck … One Of Those Days

DSC01671Here we go!  Thinking outside the proverbial well wrapped holiday box.  It is cold and rainy outside and I cannot go diving in fountains late at night for loose change, and stealing the wishes of small children.  So today I will stay inside and work on this.

It happens to the best of us every now and then, one of those days, when life just doesn’t seem to gel.

Look at the Snapple Bottles, someone screwed up, and I always wonder “How many of them went thru upside down” before someone figured it was not just right?

But then again, I am a little bit left of center most of the time anyway.

What’s For Supper?  An Australian man lost his savings when he hid $15,000 in cash in the oven, on the mistaken belief that his wife never used it.  The man had just sold his beloved sports car to make a mortgage payment.  But after he put the money in the stove for safe-keeping, his wife turned it on to cook chicken nuggets for their children.  Everything was sort of okay, until the burned bills filled the kitchen with smoke.

The Mouse That Roared.  A Canadian man nearly blew his own head off while trying to kill a mouse with a rifle.  Yes, I said “a mouse with a rifle.”  He tried to crush the scurrying rodent with the butt of his rifle, but when he slammed the weapon on the floor, it discharged.  The bullet grazed his head, but did not badly wound him.  No word on what happened to the mouse.

An elephant and a mouse got married.  The next morning, the little mouse woke up and rolled over only to find his elephant bride had died during the night.  He shrugged his shoulders and sighed, then said, “Just my luck.  One night of married bliss and now I spend the rest of my life digging a grave.”

Yeah I know … Whadya expect for free?

High Price Of Winning.  With the soaring value of gold these days, did you know the average gold medal at the Olympic’s contains only 1.34 percent gold?  At current pricing for the precious metal 100% gold would put the price of the medallion at over $25,000 each.  This would bring the price tab for the games to about $40 million all total.  That is a lot of gold in anyone’s book.

Cover me I am changing lanes.  Florida is now the #1 state in the nation for concealed weapons permits.  80% of those permits are issued to men, and they are predominately middle aged.  Some 15,000 permits per month are being issued in the Sunshine State.

I want the truth!  You can’t stand the truth!  Here it comes … Should any one of you be offended at this, first ask yourself: Can I handle the truth?  Two magazines, Country Living (95.99% white readership) and Ebony-Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on “What do people fear the most?”

The results were interesting, to say the least …  Country Living magazine’s top three answers were:

1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S

2. Child/spouse dying

3. Terminal illness

Ebony-Jet magazine’s top three answers were:

1. Ghosts

2. Dogs

3. Registered mail

No Kidding. Who are these people who do these so-called survey’s and where do they live?

It pays to be grouchy.  It is now possible to lose your job in 29 states for being gay.  Companies can legally fire you according to the Human Rights Campaign, which is a gay, lesbian, and transgender civil rights group.  So it is best to be bitchy, cranky, out of sorts like the rest of your co-workers if you want to make sure you stay viably employed in this day and age.  Just be hateful and mean, gay isn’t going to cut it.

No, wait a minute, I might have that one wrong?

Starbucks Parlors.  A South Carolina funeral home is opening a Starbucks in their lobby and the funeral home owner hopes it will help people in mourning.  To help them get their mind off of what is going on.  Wonder what they will call it?

Time to meet your mocha.

Still above the ground cafe.

Latte for your own funeral.

Oh well, like I said, “there are days like that” … b’sides the word count on the first draft, came to 666, and I just could not allow that to stand.  After all … A positive anything is better than a negative nothing.

See you at the water-cooler.

OOO

Here is a sampling of what folks have been reading this week at Creative Endeavors:

Home page / Archives  
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)  
Off The Wagon  
Clear Blue Sky  
The Worry Tree  
Pavlov’s Dog  
Goin With The Flow  
Change Of Heart  
A Moment In Time  
Mr. Gorsky

Missed Opportunities

8-women-who-auctioned-off-their-virginityIsn’t it funny, how things work out?  Yesterday I am reading where a woman in Brazil has sold her virginity for the sum of $780,000.  More money than most of us have made when we lost our virginities for free.

It reminded me of when I came home from the service to discover that my mother had cleaned out my closet and thrown away all of my old comic books, my only resource at the time for some quick money, was now long gone to the city dump and she had a new sewing room.

Life is so unfair.

Anyway if you wish to read about Catarina Migliorini and how she sold off her V-Card (don’t ask) it can be found here.  (really makes you wonder what it is that I read in the quiet moments of the day doesn’t it?)

Driveway Quickie:  A florida woman says that someone stole her driveway.  Now I have heard of dry by’s, and all this other new urban nomenclature that seems to litter the landscape of America, but stealing a driveway, C’mon?

Do-Gooders:  One of the saddest things I saw recently was a Canadian County Deputy Sheriff standing guard over a little girl at the Salvation Army bucket outside of WalMart.  We have to put a guard on them now, because low life thieves come by and jack them up for the small black pot that you drop your change in.

It is my understanding however, that a man dropped a Krugerand (sp) in one the other day, and with the price of gold where it currently remains, this is a sizable contribution from someone with truly a rich and generous heart.

In Canada, recent lottery winners donated millions to their favorite deserving charities.  The lucky couple frankly stated “that they had everything that they needed” so they decided to share their good fortune with others.  An interesting read

Raspberries to Boulder Colorado.  The city fathers in Boulder, in their infinite wisdom have discovered a way to “tax the streets” you drive on.  Leave it up to a bunch of lop-sided thinking Politicians to figure out a new way to separate you from your money.  I like the part where they say “they could use the newly collected money for other things” besides the streets.

Washington DC.  Not to be out done by the recent Boulder taxation issue, Washington issued a new developing story on Aspirin.  Effective Jan 1, 2013, aspirin will be taxed under the Obama-Care program.  The only explanation was that they are white and they work.  No other reason was given.

Here is a sampling of CNN on Christmas Day.

As I make a clear cut conscious choice to be happy this day and do my very level best to provide something of a positive nature I am going to leave you with this tid bit.  Dan Blocker said that he portrayed the Hoss character in the television series Bonanza with a Stephen Grellet excerpt in mind: “We shall pass this way on Earth but once, if there is any kindness we can show, or good act we can do, let us do it now, for we will never pass this way again.”  A great deal of truth in that.

Have A Great Day!

OOO

One of those days

Think your vote counts?  As my mother used to say, “think again.”  Moves are already being made right now to make voter registration even tougher than it already is.  Behind the scenes posturing by a few to rig the system, and in some states they are rigging the Electoral College in their favor.  More and more, we see our basic freedom’s eroding before our very eyes.  Time to wake up.

Good move.  A graffiti artist who in 2005 chose to take Facebook share, rather than his usual fee, for painting murals at Facebooks’ former headquarters in Palo Alto, Calif.  Now that Facebook has gone public, those shares may soon be worth upwards of $100 million dollars.

As the Indian Wind In His Face in the movie Dancin’ With Wolves said …. “Good Trade.”

Father like son files.  A Pennsylvania man drove to a police station to pick up a son who was charged with drunk driving.  Police after observing the father for awhile, determined that he too, was intoxicated and he was promptly arrested for D.U.I.. Police recently sat outside a popular biker bar and observed a biker come out of the bar, straddle a Harley and then fumble furiously with the ignition, his keys, and the helmet he was wearing.  After considerable effort and trying several times, he finally got it fired up and roared off, swerving from side to side, down the street. Several blocks later they pulled him over and instituted a sobriety test on the biker.  Much to the consternation of the arresting officers, the biker complied and fulfilled each request that they made. The officers thoroughly confused by all of this, asked him, “What is the deal?  We saw you leave that bar, we watched you as you started up and left, now everything you are doing is letter perfect, what is going on?”

The biker smiled and said:  “Simple.  I am the designated decoy.”

You hear about the blond who was stopped twice in the same night for drunk driving?  The cop looks at her, and says, “Out of the car lady, and starts unhooking his gun belt” where upon she says, “Oh no, not another Breathalyzer test.”

Living your dreams.  A Montana man led police on a wild 100 mph chase and was caught only when police blew out his tires.  When asked why he baited the cops into chasing him when he was stone cold sober and committed no crime his reply was … “I just always wanted to do that.”

Kind of like the frog and the scorpion.

The scorpion asked the frog, “can you take me across the river?” and the frog quickly replied, “No.”  The scorpion then asked him, “Why not?” and the frog said, “Because you will sting me that’s why.”  The scorpion pleaded with the frog, “Oh no.  I won’t do that, I promise, I really need to get across the river, and I cannot swim.” So the frog reluctantly agreed and they set off for the other side of the river.  Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog.  The poor frog looked back and then said, “Why?  Why did you do that, now we will both drown.”

And the scorpion replied … “It’s just my nature.”

God’s Waiting Room.  Miami Florida has been rated the most miserable city in the U.S. by Forbes magazine, beating poverty-stricken Detroit.  The magazine cited Miami’s crippling foreclosure crisis, unemployment problems, high crime rate, taxes and a choked commuter roads. Detroit meanwhile has its own problems, one of them being vigilantism which is taking hold of the city.  Budget woes have led the city police force to be cut by over 40% over the last ten years.  At least 34 citizens killed attackers last year in what the city classified as justifiable use of force.  When you live in a city surrounded by predatory people, it is a good idea to carry (arm yourself). It is legal to carry a firearm in Oklahoma, but they don’t want you to take it into church with you, which is a big relief for some of the members of the Deacon’s Committee.

While we are at it.  We all have a bucket list of dreams, or the majority of us are alleged to have one.  Holy Smoke LLC has one of the best origin stories you will ever hear.  The Alabama firm offers to pack its customers cremated remains into shotgun shells. One of the co-founders of the company admitted publicly that it was “always one of his dreams in life” to have such a send off. “I will rest in peace knowing that I will be the last thing, that some turkey will see … me … screaming at him at about 900 feet per second.” Now you know why Alabama has a population of some three million persons but only fifteen surnames.  And that is it for today, boy & girls, geographically speaking.

One last thing:  “When you walk out the door in the morning and see a sky like this … just  go back inside, have another cup of  coffee and  stay home.

It’s  most likely NOT going to be a good  day.    

OOO Cartoons courtesy of AmericanProgress.org

Take A Shot At It.

My grandson (11 years old) cannot throw a football, he does not play baseball, no Frizbee either.  He for the most part, sits in his home and plays video games.  And that to me is so sad, but as this is treading on tender-ground in the family dynamic, I keep it to myself.  There is so much more to life, so many adventures and learning experiences are out there, ripe for the taking, but he will never know them.

It occurred to me that someone ought to start a thread on the strange things or interesting adventures we have done in their lives.  All of us at one time or another have done some things that others (especially those of us that are not insane by nature) would consider strange, adventuresome, or interesting.  My Bucket List on life is for the most part empty, I have had my fair share of adventure and really feel more or less circumspect in my life at this point in time.  As it has been kind of slow here lately this has been on my mind. 

So during a lull in festivities, I made a list of some of the quirky things in my life. 

Did a snipe hunt once or twice, before I figured out that Snipes are not indigenous to Oklahoma, just to my cousin’s house out on a farm east of Crescent, Oklahoma.  On the same token, I have never stuck my tongue to a frozen flag pole in December.  Played “stomp ball at the park” in a four inch downpour and loved every dog-gone minute of it.  

When I was young, I walked thru a railroad tunnel in Niles Canyon, California.  With no flashlight to illuminate the way, no working knowledge of trains or train schedules, another guy, Jim Crossett and I walked thru this roughly two mile long tunnel.  When JFK said “every American should be able to walk fifty miles” my buddies and I, rode our ten speed bikes 112 miles in one day.  Left at 4:30 am in the morning and it was wayyyyyyy after dark when we got back.

Climbed a hydroelectric transmission tower to the very top, man man, the juice flowing thru that thing sounded just like bacon frying on Mama’s stove and you could see forever.  Been to the top of two or three volcano’s in my life all extinct, none were active.  Surfed at Santa Cruz and body-whopped Half Moon Bay.  Sat on a boat dock, in Jax Florida and ate Oysters right out of the shell and washed them down with hot sauce and Budweiser.

I found an abandoned mine in the Sierra’s once and we went back into that about 1/2 mile or so, only to discover a ceiling chocked full of bats!  Now that turned out to be a turning point in my life, as I found myself whenever I discovered one (abandoned mines or tunnels), venturing deep into the pits of a mine and exploring by flashlight, the bowels of mother earth.

We were in Spain, and a guy bet me that I would not jump off of a perfectly good aircraft carrier, so I did.  Ninety-four feet to the waterline.  But this wasn’t something all that new to me, I had previously jumped off a railroad bridge at Lake Texhoma and a public bridge at Catfish Bay, Oklahoma.

Noodled for catfish on the Washita River and went to a Rattlesnake hunt in Okeene, Oklahoma, both I would wholeheartedly pass up today.  There are safer things to do in this life, such as, digging for sand crystals on the Salt Flats or something like that.

My cousin talked me into climbing a rock face with him in Colorado and everything was just swell, until I found myself at a place where I could not go up or go down.  Froze on the side of rock cliff for some six hours, not a pleasant Saturday afternoon as I recall.  

I danced with a transvestite in Trieste, Italy, and did not know that he/she was a tranny.  That got interesting for a brief time, until I gave “her” to Harry Braid, who was from Dayton Ohio, and I assume he had never danced with one either.

Took diving lessons, learned to dive in a swimming pool with an instructor.  Then went to Florida and did a dive that was sixty-five feet.  Made it half-way down, and my ears started to really bother me, so I stopped and held onto the rope, that is until a Barracuda swam by my face, and then I decided it was time to go up (Post haste) to the dive boat.  

Went up in a small airplane three times to jump and begin my sport parachute career, didn’t happen.  I did however get out on the wheel strut and briefly looked down at the earth, some 4,000 ft below before crawling back into the plane.  Ran my Harley up to an honest 130 MPH on a country road one hot July back in seventy-four.  Rode it 6,000 miles across America over a period of some five months time.

Skinny dipped with college kids on the South Canadian River, swam in the Yellowstone River sans attire, did a river in Idaho one time alongside a busy highway.  Never have been to a topless beach but I have heard of them.  Did some class three rapids on a river in California and a girl named Debbie on lake in Missouri at midnight on a full moon night in August.

You would think that would be the end of it, but it isn’t.  Not long ago I inadvertently came across one more opportunity for adventure of sorts.

We were in New Mexico having breakfast at Clines Corners.  Two local guys pulled in with a pickup and horse trailer and then unloaded three horses to rest, and tied them to the trailer.  They came in and sat down in the booth next to us and ordered breakfast.  I inquired of one of them, “How come you have three horses, but there are only two of you?” and this guy smiled and says, “Charlie was out all night long chasing skirts, and did not want to get out of bed this morning.  We decided to come on without him, we had already loaded the horses.”  

He then looks at me and says, “Can you ride a horse?” and his buddy kind of chuckled.

I replied with, “You betcha, I can sit a horse, no problem.”  

He then said, “You wanna go up in the hills with us and bring down some cattle today?” and I looked at the wife and said “You be okay, here in the parking lot?” and she just gave me that look that I know so well after all these years.

Now it is your turn.  What is the strangest or most interesting thing  you have done in your life?

Take a shot at it.

BCO

A Note From Joey

Email of the Week: 

Don’t understand the “jamokes” that write and/or add stuff to our “daily rag” here in Stockton, but this’n caught my eye this a.m. regarding your “fly-over” state.

Seems that ol’ Texas had been bragging that THEY had the hottest temperatures here recently, but NOTSOFAST says the bubble headed blonde weather person in Oklahoma !  It seems that y’all beat ’em out by afew degrees, and alas, our daily rag failed to add the numbers into the article!!!

Joey

We were hotter than Texas if anyone cares.

In case you are interested here is the link.

Heat really isn’t news around here, happens every year, in August it will get so hot that the asphalt will start to melt and that is no exaggeration.  They are predicting that this year will be a banner year as far as the heat is concerned.  So it appears that we are in for another one.

All of the Purple Martins showed up late this year, they mated, taught the youngsters how to hunt and fly, and have now departed.  Last year they were here until the 13th of July, this year, they are all gone by the first of June.  Once again, Mother Nature is telling us something, all you have to do is “tune in” and it is right there in front of your face.

Really do not know what to write about this morning.

I could briefly touch on this guy, where was it, South Florida?  Anywho, he killed this guy and then ate him!  Whooooie, scratch off South Florida off that vacation getaway list quickie pronto.  Wonder if McDonalds is serving a “Happy To Be Alive Meal” there?

It is really anyone’s guess in this country any more, things are getting so bad in Detroit for instance that they are even killing the fish.  They have no suspects, and those in charge are saying that “it is a naturally occurring process in nature.”  Never mind the sixty top floaters in the one tank, the empty gallon bottle of Clorox and the crystal clear water.

How about the young mummy who put her five week old baby on the roof of the car in a baby seat and then drove off with the tot on her roof.  Clearly this was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  “Honey have you seen our baby?”

This is week #2 since I made a abrupt exit from another website where they want it one way but demand that it be just the opposite.  It literally amazes me the length and breadth that some people on the Internet will go to in order to enforce their version of the truth in order to win.  It is times such as this, that the internet, trolls, websites with over-active moderators really suck.

The other thing that amazes me is the fact that they are doing battle over basically nothing, trivial unimportant matters and ideals.  Hard fought battles for ownership of typically infertile ground  … Where is the winner in that?

What seems to get me is somehow it is always a twisted version of so-called truth that is served up for me to eat, and I always find it somewhat unsavory or appealing.

Like Nicholson says in the movie … “A Few Good Men” … The truth?  You can’t stand the truth, you don’t want the truth!”

So, like the gentleman that I am, gave them a piece of my mind, and then I just packed up and walked away.  Put a filter on their spam notices and looking back on it all, it has been a quiet, good two weeks, I should have done this a long time ago.

Just checked Saturday’s lotto tickets, no winners, hell, not even close.  It would be nice to just “be close” one time, but no such luck.  Looks like y’all (Okie talk) are stuck with me for a few more weeks I am afraid.  I am surely not complaining, don’t get me wrong, it could get a lot worse.

So Joey, that is the news from the Fly Over State, Oklahoma … Home of the OU Sooners, bad roads, and really big women!

Here is the news from your side of the country.

Ugly-ass coyote pups have been born in Golden Gate Park, this increases the total animal population to what, 13?  The local homeless on the other hand, are not happy, and are demanding protection, and of course barbecue sauce.  Here is the link pard, I am outta here.  Once again, thanks for your comments, you write good comments.

See you at the water cooler …..

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of AmericanProgress.org

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