Hey! You! Get Off My Cloud.

1mThis the time of the year when Were-Wolf-Loonies such as myself secretly go nuts. (Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men … My ass … I want to kill something! Might tackle that one tomorrow)  A friend of mine when describing me to someone, will always say that “I am a somewhat sick, twisted, perverted and evil individual. But I kind of like that in a person.”

Which brings me to today’s post.

“Have you ever wanted to, but just did not do it?”

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Paul Loves Bacon

images7Are you aware of the fact that Denny’s puts eight (8) pieces of bacon on a BLT?  I found that out over the weekend, that is a lot of bacon.  It is sooooooo good, but so bad for you, one of those “everything I love to eat, is killing me” things.

One thing you can count on in America, good or bad, it will be marketed and given to you in one way, shape, form or manner.  You can now get a “Bacon Shake” at Burger King …. Have it your way.  And afterwords, when your arteries choke up and you win the lottery for high numbers on Cholesterol, you can get buried in your own bacon coffin. 

I know, I know, you are sitting there chuckling and chortling to yourself, saying this dude is making all of this up.  Uh huh … sure.  Just remember my friend, when they wheel you inside that room, and transfer you over to the table.

That metal is awful cold … Jus sayin.

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Gee-dunk And Poggie-bait

imgresTen o’clock in the morning, we are already locked down into the workday shift, and then we hear the musical horns of the food truck. 

The Roach Coach as some of the guys used to call it.

Every day about this time of the morning, it would show up with its tantalizing treats, the sugary-delights every Fatboy yearns for in the morning.  Do-nuts, Bear claws, those really slippery loaded with sugar items with the raspberry jelly inside.  (My mouth begins to water just writing this)

I would always opt for the Egg Salad sandwich and a carton of Chocolate Milk.  Some of the other guys would spring for the grease soaked burrito’s and even the occasional Indian Taco.

After purchasing our particular brand of poison at greatly inflated prices, we would walk over to a huge pile of lumber, and there in the sunlight of the morning, eat our treats and take our non-union unauthorized respite.  Just a loose knit bunch of guys taking a break from the day. 

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Our rag-tag collective gathering is not to be confused with the boys down the street.  I am not even sure if the food truck stopped there or not, to tell you the truth.  I am talking about the boys down the street at the diesel shop, who broke every morning, almost religiously for a fresh cup of coffee as Paul Harvey dispensed his daily take on America from the radio resting in the windowsill on the east wall of the break room.

So, here we are, sitting on the pile of lumber and someone, who I don’t remember, spots this alley cat sauntering down the road, right next to the railroad tracks.  He is walking our way, no hurry – no worry, and he looks bad.

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He has one eye partially closed, his tail is bent awkwardly to one side, he is missing a patch or two of hair in several places.  I don’t know where he has been, who he has been hangin’ with, but this cat, man, he looks pretty bad.

The cat, without so much as giving us a glance, walks on by.  He gets a little bit past our collective group, and someone, again I don’t know who, begins to laugh.  Soon, the entire group of men sitting on this pile of lumber eating their mid morning snacks are engaged in raucous laughter.

The cat abruptly stops walking.

Slowly it turns around and curiously stares intently at these guys on the pile of lumber, and each one to a man, suddenly stops laughing.  You could virtually hear a pin drop, it was that quiet.  Satisfied that the humor at his expense is over, the cat turns around and slowly walks off.

At that point, I turn and look at Hal, an Ex-Marine and a burly sort of guy, who could if he wanted to, break you like a piece of dry kindling.  I said, “Hey Hal.  Why did you stop laughing?”  Hal looked at me and replied, “Uh, I dunno.  He sort of looked like he meant business, so I thought it was time to shut up.”

Have a great day today, go out into the world and put your best foot forward.  And please check yourself in the mirror at the house before you go out … Appearance is what it is all about y’know.

OOO

Soaking It Up

Taxing Your Water:  In Oklahoma if you build a pond on your property, you do not own the water that backs up behind the dam.  In order to “actually own the water in your pond” you have to go to the State Water Resources Board and apply for a permit to own the water behind your dam.  Now that permit by the way, costs you $28 and some change.  And we wonder why one out of every three citizens suffers from some form of mental illness here.

Having to admit that this seemed a little bit ludicrous and just slightly unfair, I have discovered that in Oregon that the city of Medford “owns core rights to all sources of water” which most people would think did not include the rain falling from the sky.  But a local resident who had backed up water in three ponds on his property has been sentenced to jail for thirty days for collecting water on his property.  He of course fought it in court, but the court disagreed and now he is serving the jail time.

 What is next … The very air that we breathe?

Is it real or is it NASA:  Have any of you observed the first photo’s back from the Martian landscape sent by the Mar’s Rover.  They looked a great deal like shots of Nevada and parts of Utah.  “You would really be forgiven for thinking that NASA was trying to pulll a fast one on you” wouldn’t you?

While we are on the subject of photo’s?  WordPress.com recently changed up their photo editor and we have a totally new deal now.  It really sucks.  You have a difficult time sizing all of the photo’s to the same size, and it often makes photo posting a nightmare and ugly as hell.

The slideshow presentation is now a thing of the past and generally speaking, it really is not an improvement but more of a step backwards.  It of course is “free” not asked for and in this case, “you get what you pay for” which isn’t much.  If you truly want to post “jagged uneven pictures and not have a slide show presentation, this is what it looks like.

 Pretty sad.

Twinkies Are Long Gone:  My favorite confectionary has bit the dust, Twinkies, so yummy, so good, containing so many chemicals and unknown ingredients, you could leave them outside for a year, and they would still be good.  They are now gone.  Which will be bad for all of us in Oklahoma who have the appearance of poster boys for Weight Watchers, Inc.  But there is hope, we are still not the fattest state in the nation.  Mississippi just took the national honors on that, and for the sixth straight year in a row, remains on top of the junk food pile.  Louisiana and West Virginia were close behind, while Colorado ranked as the skinniest state.

Thick Crust and Another Layer of Government Please:  The president of Papa John’s Pizza has announced that if Obamacare goes thru the cost of a pizza will go up about .20 cents.  He has some 1,600 employees, most of who are currently uninsured.  He will have to raise the price of the average pie in order to meet the federal mandated costs associated with health care for employees.

And he is not alone, Burger King, Quiznos, Dunkin’ Donuts have all stated that this new wrinkle in the fabric of American life will increase their respective costs some $30,000 per year.

And of course, “they will pass the cost on to the consumer.”  What the government and the rest of the nation seems to fail to realize is this one simple fact of life.  “A lot of this they are passing off to the consumer, is just another burden laid upon our nation’s poor.”

No one seems to recognize the fact that we are not some kind of insatiable sponge and can soak up everything that comes down the line.  Sooner or later, it is going to have to give, and when this happens, it is going to get ugly.

OOO

Come On Weekend

Yesterday I did not post anything and here is why.  I was in a foul mood, I am not getting along with Shell Oil and did not feel it was in your best interest to share this with you, so I took the day off.  (If you care to gander at it you will find it here)

Today I am somewhat better, but as I am old and cranky, there are going to be more days like this I am afraid.  So be advised.  It has been one of those weeks.  Really beginning to wonder what there is in life, that is still left to me.  What it is that I have control over, and it doesn’t seem to be much, even tho’ I have made valiant efforts to change over the years.

  • I quit cheating at cards.
  • I quit cussing.
  • I quit drinking.
  • I quit smoking.
  • Trifling with other peoples’ women.

Man, that was the worst twenty minutes of my life. (Seriously, uh huh sure.)

So I kind of figured that there ought to be something left in life for me.  And I naturally figured it was food.  But it turns out that even that is not exactly right.  Did you know that by the time you turn twenty years of age your body has essentially settled on the number of fat cells you are going to have for the rest of your life?

Yes, it is true.

A recent study in Sweden has confirmed this.  Researchers took samples of fat cells from volunteers over the course of several years; they discovered that no matter how much the subjects’ weights changed, their number of fat cells remained the same.  So your fat cells grow and shrink in your body, but they remain the same.  You are actually “friends with your fat.”

Isn’t that repulsive.

All the carrot sticks and rice cakes in the world are not going to change a thing.  All those fat cells in your body are going nowhere; they just shrink in size and nothing more. During your life you will eat sixty thousand pounds of food, the weight of about six elephants.  The average American chews 190 sticks of gum, drinks about 600 sodas and 800 gallons of water, eats 135 pounds of sugar and 19 pounds of cereal a year.  The largest consumer of sugar and corn syrup in the world is no other than Coca Cola.  The biggest selling restaurant item in the U.S. is French Fries.  They estimate that in this country every day, we consume about 200 million M&M’s.

The amount of potato chips Americans eat each year weighs six times more than the Titanic.  A can of SPAM is opened in this country about every four seconds.  Americans on average eat eighteen acres of pizza every day and Saturday night is the biggest day of the week for that staple.  Dunkin’ Donuts serves about 112,500 donuts per day, more popcorn is sold in Dallas than anywhere else in the United States.

Two million different combinations of sandwiches can be created from a Subway Menu. 

We as a society of people eat a lot of garbage that is why the majority of us, are scratching parts of our bodies we have not seen in five years.  This is why when you step onto the computerized talking scale your thoughtful wife gave you on Father’s Day it says to you …….. “Please come back when you are alone.”

Now if you will excuse me, I am gonna go get me a Twinkie, me and “my friends” are hungry.  It’s not easy being a aging baby boomer.  So there it is boys and girls, Friday’s post, such as it may be.

I hate Shell Oil and the wrong person won America’s Got Talent, if it were not for Britney showing a little of her who-hah’s on the X-Factor I would be a total wreck, but that is the way some weeks go.

This week the comedian lost and it all went to the dogs.

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What folks are reading at Creative Endeavors this week:

Home page / Archives    
You Don’t Smell Like Flowers (audio)    
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)    
Wood Ice Chest    
Indian Summer    
Clear Blue Sky    
Goin With The Flow    
The Worry Tree    
Survivor Texas Style    
Is This A Great Country or What?

Norman Is Not Funny

“Why is it no one is telling anyone jokes anymore, has the country disintegrated into such a morass of doom and gloom, that no one seems to want to share a good amusing story or joke with each other?”

YokoRobert Redford has a movie called  “A River Runs Thru It.”  In the movie there is a scene where the female lead looks to Brad Pitt and says to him, “Norman is not funny.”  Which is an amusing scene, but in all reality, I suppose you would have to see the movie first to appreciate it.

Out of all the movies my wife has seen in her lifetime, this one scene, seems to resonate with her.  I have not a clue as to why, but she will look at me when I attempt to share something amusing with her, or tell her a joke.

And her reply, is always the same …. “Norman is not funny.”

Now my wife is Chinese and very funny, in her own way.  She will say stuff all the time, that I find amusing as all get out.  We were for example, traveling thru the Panhandle of Oklahoma on vacation, where coincidentally there thrives a very large population of Antelope.  Somewhere west of a little place called Guymon, Oklahoma, traveling down the highway at 65 mph an antelope came up out of the bar ditch and literally leaped over the hood of our automobile!

I was at the very least, shocked and amazed.

My wife looked at me and said:  “What is he doing out here running wild like that, he could hurt someone!”  Now at that juncture of time, it would have not only been appropriate but very politically correct to interject “Norman is not funny” into the conversation.  I on the other hand chose to reply with …. “Uh, he LIVES HERE that is why.”

Why?  Because I don’t like eating tuna fish sandwiches day after day when she finds me not so funny.

Which brings me to this.  Why is it no one is telling anyone jokes anymore, has the country disintegrated into such a morass of doom and gloom, that no one seems to want to share a good amusing story or joke with each other?

When times are good, folks tell jokes, when times are bad … well, you know.  The bible says that “laughter doth the heart good” which means you are a Happy Kamper when you are laughing and quite possibly a back-seat Baptist if you live in Oklahoma.

Here is something else to consider.  It takes a lot of muscles in your face to frown, it only takes a few to smile … I am basically lazy when it comes to this crossroads of my life.  I am going to smile, I am going to grin, she is going to wonder what it is that I have been up to and when I dutifully try to explain it to her … She will simply say … “That not funny.”

Just this past week, I came into the kitchen and she said, “Where have you been?” and I said, “McDonalds.”  She then said, “Why you go there, that is not good for you, nothing healthy.” and I said, “They have a new Value Meal, and I wanted to try it.”

My wife then says to me, “A new value meal.  What is it called?” and I said, “It is called the Obammer.  You order anything on the menu that you want and the guy behind you has to pay for it.”  

It is not easy being Norman, but someone has to do it.

See you at the water cooler.

OOO