Go Ahead Make My Day

imgresWell HE started it first!  It’s not my fault that he cannot outrun a lawn mower  They get that from YOU it could not have possibly come from my side of the family.

Here is your virtual greeting for the day … wait for it … Okay.  Now get the —- off my lawn.  If you cannot say something nice, then maybe it is time to be quiet.

Continue reading

Really Ungood Man

Two thirty A.M. and I cannot sleep.

The coffee pot in the kitchen is sending its secret code and I am sitting here in my shorts, wondering why is it so many fast food restaurants (and I use that term loosely) sell “super sized” meals.  Is it because the poor and the disadvantaged amongst us, feel more powerful when they can order something super-sized.  Ordering a giant meal is an easy way for people with low social status to feel temporarily powerful and important.  Perhaps the jumbo size is a relatively cheap way for people who feel helpless, to enjoy a “momentary catharsis.”  That could be one of the reasons that obesity rates are the highest among those with low incomes.

Why did ancient artists paint spotted horses on the cave walls?  That is another interesting question for me this early Friday morning.  Did they actually see spotted horses or were they just making all of this crap up some 25,000 years ago.  Perhaps it was raining on that day, and they could not get out of the cave.

Hang on to your BFF (Best Friend Forever as the youngsters are prone to say) it may be the last one you ever have. 

A recent study of people on Facebook, has shown that Americans have fewer close confidants now than they did a generation ago.  Cornell University sociologist surveyed 2,000 adults and found that on average they had only two friends with whom they could discuss “important matters” down from three in 1985.  (Which is 2.7 more than I had at the same time)  Maybe if they had just used Dial Soap like all the commercials on television imply.

The vast majority of us it appears seem to be friendless.  It sort of makes sense for me personally, I always felt that computers would tend to isolate most of us, having to no longer go out and communicate with others, we have morphed into a modern day clone of the guy in the cave drawing his spotted horses.

We just email it and let it fly.  You no longer have a personal confidant that you can ask about the ugly thing growing in your right armpit or if these waders make my butt look big … Stuff like that.

Now here is one that I really liked, this one was a hoot. 

(That is an Okie expression that BFF use all the time, it means it was somewhat humorous)

I wonder about a lot of things in life (what else is there to do at two-thirty in the morning).  Sitting here listening to the Judd’s singing “River Roll On”  and taking issue with the items in life that often tear at my ragged soul.  Here is one:  “Anyone watch the “Peoples Awards” on the tube last night, now there was a real yawner.  I put it up right up there with another Obama Speech or a bad case of the Asian Flu whichever comes first.

A product of the American dream, growing up healthy in a vibrant economy and a fairly safe city, tended to make me even more curious in life.  For instance, where did the expression “Oh well, there goes another one down the drain” come from?  Another what?  My old man used to say, “Life is like a sewer, you only get out of it, what you put into it.”  Where do we come up with these little ditties in life.

But is that really true?

Not long ago, Jefferson County, Alabama, filed the largest municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history.  The county which happens to contain the Jewel of the South, Birmingham, had reached a deal with creditors to finally do a reconstruct on most of its total $4 billion dollar debt.  A debt which it is said that grew out of poor accounting methods and corruption on a sewer project.  (Nice blend huh?  Yeah, I know I cannot help it)  So in the end, the final tally, my old man wasn’t exactly right … In this case, they didn’t get back anything out of the sewer but they sure as _____ put a lot into it.  They have a word for it in the south, it is called “ungood.”

“Like dude, that sewer thang man that was totally ungood for Y’all.”

Now if you will excuse me, I must beg off and depart for the rest of this day and most of the weekend I am sure.  I have to research and discover the source and meaning of the expression “fine and dandy.”  Which I never really understood.  I have been a lot of things in my life, but I have never been BOTH fine and dandy at the same time.  Really do not understand why people, when asked, “Hey how are you doing?” will respond with “Oh, just fine and dandy.”

Sometimes I am fine.  But I’m not all that often … dandy.

I could be in the general vicinity of dandyhood, but to tell you the truth, I would most likely not even notice on most days.  One time in the late sixties, in San Francisco, lying on a blanket in Golden Gate Park with Susie Mathews, I was both fine and dandy at the same time.  But Y’know nobody asked me how I was.  I could have told ‘em, “Me?  I am just fine and dandy” and now all these years later I look back on it and consider it a lost opportunity.

If you are not too busy on Monday stop by our little watering hole and we will discuss the word Anthropomorphizing …

Here I will use it in a sentence for you.  “A South African man was savagely chewed to death by a 2,400 pound hippopotamus he kept as a pet.  The victim had always stated that Humphrey was like a son to me, he’s just like, y‘know human.

Believe it or not, when we first moved to the country, the wife and I talked about maybe getting a hippo, but in the end, we gave it up.  We just figured it would not get along with the spotted horses, and hippo’s of course, require a really big pond.  Ours is not all that big.

Like I said before, come on by Monday.  As most Mondays are usually a slow day, we can look into matters even deeper.  Maybe if we have time, we can hit on the expression … “Fork In The Road” (Now C’mon … Really) that has always been a favorite of mine along with spotted horses and women who wear dental-floss bikinis.  If you have one (favorite expression) comments section is open, give it a shot.

That’s it boys & girls, 3:22 A.M. and it is down the road I go, feeling 100% confident that my work here is done for the day, which is about what I feel like about 100% of the time.  If you happen to be somewhere where it is cold and dreary this morning, bundle up and stay warm, pour yourself a cup of Joe, and call a friend, your BFF would love to hear from you I am sure.

Have a great weekend.


Rude Awakening – Strange Expressions

This month in Bus Conversions Magazine I have a story published.  For those of you who do not receive this magazine, here is a reprint of the article.

When I was but a small lad, which was quite awhile ago, trust me.  I would ask my Dad for money, and he would reply, “Do you think money grows on trees?”  I of course, would reply … “Yeah.”  He would then say, “well, go outside, find a tree, and pick me some!”  This of course never happened, I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I am also a fast learner.

Strange expression.

My daddy used to have this other saying (expression) he would use, he would say, “One of these days’ boy, you are going to be in for a rude awakening.” I used to sit around and wonder about that, and of course, why we had Volleyballs, important stuff like that.

We have Volleyballs incidentally, because we need a place to store air, I thought everyone knew that.  My mother bless her heart, used to say, “If you think this is over Mister, you have another think coming!” … My little sister’s favorite was … “I was so upset I was b’side myself!”

Here is another one, my buddy recently offered up …. “I slept like a baby” …. What does that mean? A baby wakes up every other hour for cryin’ out loud, someone sleeping like that suggests to me, that they could possibly have an over-active prostrate, serious stuff.

Strange expressions, each and every one.

My very first encounter with bus people I met some interesting folks, and I heard some expressions that I had never before heard of.  For instance, I am sitting talking with a guy, and out of the blue, with no prompting from me, he offers up …. “I Love My Eagle.”  I immediately thought to myself … Strange expression.  I can’t believe a guy would say something like that.  How do you love an inanimate object such as a bus?

Not knowing this person’s mental history or his thought processes, I just shrugged if off and filed it back somewhere for future reference.  I mean “Jeeze Louise, I just met a guy named Norma Jean and another guy they all called Cat Skinner,” perhaps it is best to just sit back and observe for awhile.

While we are at it?  If you hear the expression, “there is more than one way to skin a cat?”  STOP IMMEDIATELY and seek professional help. (Now all you cat lovers, don’t email me on this, the box is full)

 So anywho …. Not long ago, late one night, outside Van Horn, Texas, (a place where 3.6 billion people have never been) I dropped off a hill and reached over and set the jake.  Opening the small turnpike window, the air was thick with the smell of summertime, the aroma of grease wood and the desert filled the cab.  All is right in my world, no serious traffic, the old bus barked in the night sailing downhill at seventy plus.  The grand-kids are crapped out in their respective haunts, the old hoopie porpoised a little and purred a deep throated melody in the dark.

The reverberation from the jake sliced the night like a sharp knife, not a trooper in sight and the fast lane is all mine.  One more item off my bucket list of life, I am circumspect.

Reaching over and lowering the volume on the CD Player I listen intently to the sound of the Detroit which I have to admit, was playing music to my ears.  Slowly I turned to the right and said to my wife out of nowhere  … “I Love My Eagle!”

Then, almost immediately, as if by reflex I muttered …. “Gawd, I don’t believe I said that.”

My wife of course, did not have a clue as to what I was talking about.  She had that calf looking at a new gate for the first time look on her face and I offered up nothing in return.  She just shrugged her shoulders and blew it off.  And believe it or not, that was okay.

You see, some things are better left unsaid and unexplained, and that includes strange expressions.

See you in the fast lane * …


Photo credit:  Larry Jones, Albq. New Mexico

*  Any resemblance to anyone living or dead, was most likely on purpose.