Satan The Destroyer

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The Devil made me do it.  Believe it was Flip Wilson who coined the term first.  Satan wanted to destroy the world, so he gave the world drugs.  Shortly thereafter he realized that not all the people in the world were going to do drugs, only the weak, the ineffective, the true losers in life.  The proverbial Monkey Wrench enters the picture, the snag in the master plan has been discovered.   He had to come up with something else.

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Bundle Up

Bought and Paid For

The 2008 presidential campaign and congressional races cost an estimated $5.3 billion, shattering all previous records according to the Center for Responsible Politics’ (Isn’t that an Oxymoron?).  While that a lot of money, it is still less than the $6 billion Americans spent this year on Halloween candy, costumes and decorations.

America has finally finished its political campaigning … Now that is a “change” I can believe in!  Utube videos mentioning Barack Obama or John McCain were viewed 2.3 billion times according to the measurement firm of TubeMogul.  Knocking Britney sans underwear to #2 and Paris Hilton to a lowly #4.

Higher Education Elsewhere

The United States which long enjoyed the world’s top high school graduation rate, has fallen to 13th place behind such countries as South Korea, The Czech Republic, and Slovenia.  The U.S. is now the only country in the developed world where you people are less likely to graduate than their parents were.  If you are not sitting down to read with your child, if you are not taking an active part in his/her education, then shame on you.  You deserve a “C” average president, that is what you deserve.  Oh wait a minute, you just had eight years of that, I am sorry.

Internet Therapy Anyone

Recharge your brain!  (I would but I forgot where you hook up the jumper cables)  Youjustgetme.com rates your personality in categories such as out-going-ness and empathy and lets you find out how others see you.  The “I Just Get Myself’ test comprises 40 easy questions but delivers a surprisingly insightful assessment.  Sanityscore.com is one of the best online mental health resources.  Find out about mental health, depression, anxiety and other emotional disorders.

Why am I telling you this or providing these links?  Oh perhaps you haven’t heard, I had a half-million people drop by recently to tell me how much they loved me! All these are nice, but beware, they are not a substitute for actual professional assessment.

Tell Me It Isn’t So

Hostess Twinkies are getting downsized.  Twinkie Maker International Bakeries will introduce a 100-calorie version of the snack pack favorite.  This is because survey’s indicated that female shoppers gave them “a warm welcome to the smaller calorie snack.”

Also in other related nutritional news.  Here is a supplementary bulletin from the Office of Fluctuation Control, Bureau of Edible Condiments, Soluble and indigestible Fats and Glutinous Derivatives, Washington DC, correction of directive 9434566201-A, which was issued by the Bush Administration awhile ago.

In the directive above named, the quotation on groundhog meat should read ground hogmeat.  No other changes.

Going To Get Colder

The National Weather Service is predicting that a “colder than usual winter is fast approaching” to the dismay of many a home owner and the utter glee of natural gas producers and fuel oil distributors.  As if we didn’t have enough problems.

I heard a story of an old Indian who got appointed to position of Chief in the tribe.  One day all the members of the tribe approached him and said:  “What weather do?”  The newly initiated Chief told them, “me tell you tomorrow.”  He then called the U.S. Weather Service and asked the man who answered up, “What weather do?” and he was given the reply, “about the same, maybe a bit cooler.”

So the next day, the Chief assembled all the tribe and told them, “Cool weather … cut firewood.”

A few months went by and again, the members of the tribe approached the Chief, and asked, “What weather do?”  The Chief says to them, “I tell tomorrow.”  Again he calls the U.S. Weather Service and asks the guy, “What weather do?”  The man answering the phone says, “about the same, a little cooler possibly next week.”

The Chief tells the Indians, “Cut more firewood.”

Once again, the members of the tribe form a group and asked the Chief, “What weather do?” and as always, “I tell tomorrow.”  He (the chief) gets on the horn and calls the U.S. Weather Service and says, “What weather do?” and the guy on the other end of the phone sez ……… “Man, it must be going to get really cold, these Indians around here are cutting firewood like you would not believe!”

Like the telephone company sez ….. “Bundle up and save.” ….. No wait, that aint right, that cannot be right, where is that newspaper?

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By The Numbers

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78% of Americans think too much money was spent on the 2008 prudential election.  57% said they support campaign-spending limits, while 38% said candidates should be allowed to spend as much as they can raise.

34% of voters said the historic 2008 election made them “more proud” to be American.  While only 12% said it made them less proud.  45% said the election did not change how they view America.

Pride goeth before a bad fall …. This next item concerning our social mores, is definitely nothing to be proud of.

The adultery gap in America is narrowing.  A new study out finds that the lifetime rate of infidelity for men has risen from 20% over the past decades to 28% today.  For women, the infidelity rate has risen much more dramatically, from 5% to 15%.    Improved health of post-menopausal women and men over 50 … along with drugs for treatment of ED has kept people sexually active much longer, creating at the same time more opportunity for infidelity.

Plus the fact that Americans have this laissez-faire attitude and don’t seem to worry about it.  But the bottom line remains the same … It is not nice to monkey, with another monkey’s monkey. You aint foolin’ anyone but yourselves.

The government just released new figures on the joblessness rate or the unemployment rate in the country.  6.1% up from 4.5% this same time a ago.  Officials state that it “is not good” but it’s not “awful” unless of course, you are now living under a freeway underpass in a cardboard major appliance carton that was built in China.  This “summa of job angst” rose in September to 11% the highest level in 14 years.

Whirlpool announces that it will cut 5,000 jobs, Chrysler 4,300 blue collar workers, Goldman Sachs and Xerox said that they will eliminate “thousands of positions.”  Publishers Gannet, McGraw-Hill, Time Inc and Tribune Co, all announced similar plans.  The hemorrhaging continues and I guess my book deal has been shelved for awhile.

More?

Sarah Palin is currently the third choice of Republicans who are looking ahead to 2012, 35% say they’d support Mitt Romney as the GOP nominee, 28% favor Mike Huckabee, and only 20% back the Caribou Barbee.

People who do not learn from their mistakes are prone to repeat them.  Kind of like American Idol, “here he is our current week’s loser, back to sing for you again!”

70% of most American Journalists said that they wanted to see Barack Obama win in 2008.  9% rooted for McCain and only 8% did not support any candidate whatsoever.  Things are so bad that a popular Republican blog site has resorted to writing and posting articles on Sarah Palin’s children’s underwear.

Now that is not only pitiful, but downright disgusting.

The average cost of using another banks ATM is now $3.43 per visit, while a bounced check has risen to $28.95 up 2.5% over last year.  Now aren’t you glad we gave all that money to those poor, poor bankers.  And if that doesn’t row your boat, this will.

Despite five straight losing quarters and a 70% fall in its stock price in 2008, Merrill Lynch has set aside $6.7 billion, that is “billion” with a “B” boys and girls, for year end bonus payments to its employees.

Meanwhile back at the ranch.  This week I received a notice of changes of agreement which is basically a nice form letter saying WE win and YOU lose again from my friendly credit card people … They said that if I exceeded the limits on my card …  they were going to come take my first born male child.

But other than that … Everything here at the local watering hole is just swell, how you doin?

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“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)

Moment of Truth

This morning I am reminded of that old movie with Robert Redford where he is “The Candidate” do you know of which movie I am referring to here?  It is all about his running for the office, the long hard arduous trip to the prize, an office in Washington DC … A senate seat.  I am thinking not so much about the body of the movie, but the last scene.  Where he is sitting in the hotel room, he has won, and he looks at his campaign director and he says to him …. “What now?”  And the campaign manager says, “Figure it out, you are the Senator.”

So I wonder …  What is Mr. Obama thinking about this morning?

Another great day in history has passed.  On election day history is always made.  1842 … Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd.  1869 … the First issue of Nature was published.  1922 …Archaeologist Howard Carter discovered the entrance to King Tut’s tomb in Egypt.  1924 … In Wyoming, Nellie Tayloe Ross was elected the first female governor in U.S. history.  1960 … Filming wraps up on The Misfits, the last movie for both Clark Gable and Marilyn Monroe.  Fast forward to 2008 … Mr. Obama becomes the first Black Man to become President of the United States.

History is made on election day.

It is almost as if we have been embroiled in the greatest novel of time for the past twenty-two months.  A page of it at a time slowly revealed to us, albeit too slowly in my case.  And like the OJ Simpson scenario, Rodney King, Watergate, we were slowly sucked into it.  Opinion surveys, robo calls, voter registration totals, survey after survey.  We were drawn into it like a Moth to a lite bulb almost to the point of being outright consumed or obsessed with it.  Now we seem to be standing at that point in time, where the book isn’t quite finished, we are standing at the final chapter, the future, and we know not how the end will come about.

There I suppose lay the mystery.

Barak Obama has spent over $250 million on local, cable and network television convincing us that he is the man for the job, he is up for the task.  But we also know that politicians are the same all over, they promise to build us a bridge, when we can clearly see there is no river.  He has spent more on TV ad’s than such giant brands as Burger King, Apple and The Gap.  He is in the cat bird seat now, and that is fine, but the honeymoon only lasts for a short period, ask Sarah Palin.

He will soon discover that a lot of this garbage is locked rigidly in place and he has a full plate before him.  What he has to deal with is a massive mess left to him by the Bush Wrecking Crew and a very hostile and shaky world to deal with at the very same time.


No easy row to hoe.

Personally I am glad it is over, I am free of it, and now I can collect my thoughts, and get back to other things that are driving me nuts.  Like e-mail.  I am so sick of being a slave to my in-box, I have to really do something about that.  I made a folder the other day, I labeled it “Cartoons” so I could unclutter some of my clutter.  So like the fool I seem to be, I put ALL OF MY BOOTLEGGED CARTOONS the really good stuff in the folder to store for sometime in the future.  That is what a folder is for, isn’t that correct?

Today I go to use it, guess what?  Yeppers, the folder is gone and the cartoons too.

So for starters, I am going to step away from the e-mail box, I am going to get the first things first stuff out of the way, and then read all this “pass this on to every person you know in the entire world” emails.  I am going to give it time and not leap to answer everything that I find in there.

Having convinced myself that this is necessary to good mental health. Not thirty minutes ago I killed the alert feature and now I am not disturbed or distracted by this constant beep!  You have mail!  I can wait to respond, especially to those massive mass e-mails.

The best, the absolute all time winners on e-mail was one that arrived in the box earlier on in the year, during the spring.  Nothing much about it was special except the last line … At the conclusion of the informational missive was this profound statement:

“If you do not get this e-mail let me know.”


Recently I have even learned how to lie about my whereabouts.  Fortunately, e-mail systems allow you to “create an outgoing message that says you’re out of the office.”  Which is cool, you can use it to give yourself an e-mail break.

Like this for instance: I am not actually writing this, this is being written by Don’s refrigerator, Don is not here, he took a break to go to the drugstore for a refill on his Prozac and a new blood pressure monitor.

Hump Day for a five day a week wage slave In Oklahoma … Hang in there … You almost have it made.

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Sour Grapes … Computer Rage

OPEN ROUND

I have a little time on my hands today, going to the Doctor’s Office and he is going to say, “How are you doing?” and I am going to smile my best toothy smile and reply, “Great!  I am doing just fine.”  Then he will pull out his pad and write me even more prescriptions.

Which is frustrating to say the least, I am now currently taking a Ford Crown Victoria Hubcap full of lug nuts every day.  Why do they even bother asking.  I got news for my doctor, he doesn’t know it, but every day, every dog-gone day, I beat my previous record for staying alive.

Just finished reading my email and found some folks unhappy with me again, it doesn’t seem to take much these days.  But being the kind sort that I am I prayed for them.  “Lord … Please help me to love those who do not love me, and those that do not love me, teach them how to love me Lord, and if they cannot learn to love me, then could you please break their ankles, so that I will know them by their limping.  Amen.”

Never hurts to lift up a prayer.

Did some surfing on the net and visited all those places that I know of that have all that education that I seem to lack.  This is where I get my daily dose of the big words and plenty of quotation marks.  I bet that the folks that write these blogs have a dictionary and a thesaurus handy, right there next to the monitor.  Here is a word that I am starting to notice a lot … “Visionary.”

I suppose we will be seeing or hearing more of that in the days to come.

Lot of folks are starting to get sour because their particular political savior didn’t make the grade and are getting kind of nasty.  Mellow out people.  If the frustration of losing an election have driven you to this, you could be suffering “political computer rage.”  This morning I was visiting one blog and the main conversation was on Rush Limbaugh and the sentiments and comments were less than measured.  Y’all need to remember that radio personalities such as Limbaugh are there for a reason, to stir you up, hack you off, ruin your day. I am firmly convinced that “AM” on my radio dial stands for absolute moron.  I will not begin to tell you what “FM” stands for.

As I said before:  “Lot of folks are starting to get sour because their particular political savior didn’t make the grade and are getting kind of nasty.  Mellow out folks ”  This is hate speech.  Which is the electronic equivalent of “Road Rage” on the nation’s highways.  If you suddenly find yourself using metaphors such as “jerk” or the F-word more frequently than usual, then you are most likely suffering from computer rage right now.  You are not adding anything pleasant to the mix, you are muddying up the waters.

And if you are in your home, and there is no traffic other than internet comment sections, then who do you take it out on?  The family cat?  The computer?  (I know!  I know!  Let me have this one!)  83% of all American’s at one time or another have abused their own computers or the computer of their employer.

Breaking a keyboard is a problem, shattering a monitor, or the outright murder of a mouse!  I suppose if you got totally postal as the kids say, stood up in your chair and kicked the sucker, that would give a new meaning to the word … Reboot.

This article I read on this subject said that the #1 item to suffer the most was the keyboard.  Mice and monitors tied for second place and hard drives came in a lowly third.  Who hasn’t ever, in a fit of frustration “slapped the fizz out of the monitor” to loosen a stuck cursor.

Raise your hands, C’mon, be honest.

I believe it was Albert Einstein that said “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” And I am fairly sure he was right on the money when he said it.  Recently I read an article that stated that “seniors are more likely to stay sharp (in the mind) by surfing the net” and applying this technology in their daily lives (USA Today).

The biggest lie in the world.

It might keep you sharp, but it is going to Pi** you off from time to time and raise your blood pressure higher than your I.Q.  Manufacturers will tell you this stuff is plug and play, download it now, and then you start the process …. “I don’t know what is going on here, why isn’t this working?”  Hours and hours of frustration, doesn’t make one sharp. …

Plug This!  You no good ##@$%*!!# son of a mothers son!

“What is going on in there?” from the kitchen.

“I just downloaded a new gadget, darling, and I am just uh, err, sorting it out.”

Might be easier to just be a visionary, besides, have you checked the price of a new keyboard lately?

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Somewhat Related and recent:

Thanks to DanaMckay for the heads up on the utube video.

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Moment In History

This morning I am reminded of that old movie with Robert Redford where he is “The Candidate” do you know of which movie I am referring to here?  It is all about his running for the office, the long hard arduous trip to the prize, an office in Washington DC … A senate seat.

obama-perplexedNot so much the movie, but the one scene at the end, has my attention.  I am thinking not so much about the body of the movie, but that last scene.

Where he is sitting in the hotel room, he has won, and he looks at his campaign director and he says to him …. “What now?”

And the campaign manager says, “Figure it out, you are the Senator.”  So I wonder …  What is Mr. Obama thinking about this morning?

Another great day in history has passed.  On election day history is always made.  1842 … Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd.  1869 … the First issue of Nature was published.  1922 …Archaeologist Howard Carter discovered the entrance to King Tut’s tomb in Egypt.  1924 … In Wyoming, Nellie Tayloe Ross was elected the first female governor in U.S. history.  1960 … Filming wraps up on The Misfits, the last movie for both Clark Gable and Marilyn Monroe.  Fast forward to 2008 … Mr. Obama becomes the first Black Man to become President of the United States.

History is made on election day.

It is almost as if we have been embroiled in the greatest novel of time for the past twenty-two months.  A page of it at a time slowly revealed to us, albeit too slowly in my case.  And like the OJ Simpson scenario, Rodney King, Watergate, we were slowly sucked into it.  Opinion surveys, robo calls, voter registration totals, survey after survey.  We were drawn into it like a Moth to a lite bulb almost to the point of being outright consumed or obsessed with it.  Now we seem to be standing at that point in time, where the book isn’t quite finished, we are standing at the final chapter, the future, and we know not how the end will come about.

There I suppose lay the mystery.

Barak Obama has spent over $250 million on local, cable and network television convincing us that he is the man for the job, he is up for the task.  But we also know that politicians are the same all over, they promise to build us a bridge, when we can clearly see there is no river.  He has spent more on TV ad’s than such giant brands as Burger King, Apple and The Gap.  He is in the cat bird seat now, and that is fine, but the honeymoon only lasts for a short period, ask Sarah Palin.

He will soon discover that a lot of this garbage is locked rigidly in place and he has a full plate before him.  What he has to deal with is a massive mess left to him by the Bush Wrecking Crew and a very hostile and shaky world to deal with at the very same time.

No easy row to hoe.

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