Out To Lunch

Yesterday me and the Mrs. we drove to Oklahoma City and went out to eat.  Hate to do it this far away from payday, but we had not been there in quite sometime.  The drive into town is not so bad any more, we have a new interstate connection, six full lanes, each one homesteaded by a driving impaired lane change dummy. Continue reading

No Free Lunch In Clark County

How do you know when you are old?

Interesting question, just how is it, that you know that you have changed and you are older?  Is it in the way you walk, the size and girth of your new found stomach, the sprinkling of gray about your temples.  Do you catch yourself running out of breath half-way thru the parlor amour session with the wife in the middle of the night?

What are those familiar signs of aging?  One thing I noticed personally in my case, is my appetite changed, I don’t eat as much as I used to.

When younger, I had a voracious appetite, but these days I tend to fill up rather quickly.  In my youth I ate like a horse, unfortunately, now I kind of resemble one.

The wife and I, used to make what I called regular scheduled runs to Las Vegas to “visit our money” as I put it.  Over the years, that sort of changed too.  Now we go, not so much for the gambling aspect, or the garish surreal glitter of it all, but for the food.

Las Vegas has so many refreshing, change of pace trendy restaurants to eat in, it is simply not funny.

People will be quick to tell you that “everything in Las Vegas is larger than life” and of course, “what happens in ‘Vegas, stays in “Vegas.”  That it is the “money capitol of the world” and all that jazz.  I have found at times it was entirely possible to go thru large sums of serious money in this town, that is a given.  A lot of that certainly applies now for the meals, Las Vegas now routinely posts the priciest tabs for a meal on average, of any city in the U.S..

Just for a moment, stop and consider the logistics of it all.

A city of close to 4 million, in the midst of a arid, dry desert, in the geographical center of nowhere, in one of the most inhospitable regions of the country.  And everything that they eat, consume, use or build has to be hauled in.  So it should come as no small wonder that the cheap buffet and the Steak and Eggs breakfast for next to nothing are now long gone.

Having just returned from another trip to our favorite adult amusement center, this past summer, we can testify that it is all there ripe and ready for the taking.  Bring your appetite and your credit card, put the feed bag on as my Daddy is fond of saying.  You still can have it your way at just about any hour of the day or night.  Just depends on your tastes, whether it be steak or lobster, a crisp taco on the side … you can find it all in Las Vegas, the only glitch is, “you won’t find it for free.”

A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant on The Strip and ordered the “Chicken Surprise.”  The waiter brought the meal, served in a cast iron pot with a lid.  Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she caught a brief glance of two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asked her husband.

He hadn’t, so she asked him to look in the pot.  He reached for it and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down.  Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.

“Excuse please,” said the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replied, “Chicken Surprise.”

“So sorry,” said the waiter, “My mistake… I bring you Peeking Duck!”

Last day of the month, we can put this one in the can.  Tune in tomorrow and we will tell you the easiest way we have found to remove the cap from a bottle of Snapple … When you reach my age, you need every break you can get.


Heads Up

Early in the morning, and the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the coffee is sweet, but I know that if not consumed quickly, it will turn bitter and rank in the pot and will have to be tossed.

A part of me wants to write something poignant, something touching, something stirring this morning, but it is simply not there.  Another eloquent peroration, where I exhort the readership to “pull together against the current hardships we all face, and rally around the flag.” Today is also President’s Day, but I have “nothing to say” about that, I am not getting sucked into that …. not today anyway.

But like I said, it isn’t in the cards.  My “demons” have come to visit and they decided to stay awhile, I hate that when it happens.  So I am being careful this day, very careful.


I have been for the most part, grumpy, out of sorts, a regular bear of a guy over the weekend, having what the wife describes as “giving off bad vibes.”  And I suppose she is right.

So I try all the Dr. Phil mind games that I can think of, killing time, I ask that old now familiar question …. “Will any of this really matter a year from now” …. And a voice, deep inside of me yells ……. Ah Shaddup!

A lot of folks eating out this weekend because of the Valentines Day thing.  There are certain rules that tell you how much a restaurant will cost.  If the word cuisine appears in the advertising, you are going to be spending a lot of money.  If the word food, it will be moderately priced.  However, if the sign says “good eats” even though you’ll save a lot of money on food, your medical bills afterward might be quite high.

Kind of like the dentist.

You ever notice that “if you do not have insurance, then it is a cavity.  But if you do have insurance, then it somehow automatically turns into a root canal.”

Something happened last week, that was quite incredible, or at least I found it to be.  Lost in the shuffle of everything else it did not get a lot of media play.  Two satellites, one American and the other Soviet, ran into each other, a cosmic head-on collision if you may.

Can you imagine that?

Stop for a minute and take a solemn moment out of your life and think about how many billions or trillions of square miles are in space, how something that has virtually no beginning and no apparent end, runs forever.

And these two objects run into each other?

I mean when I read that, I just giggled and snickered for at least thirty minutes on that one.  I mean what are the odds?  It is kind of like the old story they tell up Kansas way, at the turn of the century, there were TWO REGISTERED AUTOMOBILES in the entire state of Kansas.


At noon, on a clear day, they both rounded the corner at the same time in Kansas City and had a head-on collision!  Now I ask you ….  What are the odds?

This one cracked me up too.  Birmingham mayor Larry Langford got a taste of the “real world” recently.  These politicians live in their own little “bubble world mostly of their creation” and often do not know what is really going on.  He went to the local high school to present a short speech and presentation, and was “appalled by the attitude and deportment of the local students.”

All wide-eyed and bushy tailed, clearly moved and re-dedicated to public service, he came back to city hall and immediately called for an increase of police to staff the high schools of the area during school hours.  More than 250 students have been arrested in the Birmingham area recently, including 17 just last week.

A Washington senator wants a “real sin tax” applied to certain items of a sexual nature in order to fund disabilities programs in his state.  He is proposing to tax adult magazines and video, telephone services and paraphernalia relating to S-E-X.

There you go!  They finally got around to taxing S-E-X and I thought I would never live long enough to see it, but there it is.  I just thought it would be like my momma said …. “I would go blind.”  But now I know, I will be broke and penniless too.

It is like they say ………  “If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking.”

Consider the possibilities, first sex and next … Air.  I suppose the next thing will be a government paid for video on the subject for all the kids in school.  Something like this.  Warning adult material.

(This will be today’s lesson in Government or basically, what the Government is good at doing to you.  Be forewarned this is of an adult nature, so if you are home using Mom & Dad’s computer and skippin school in Birmingham Alabama, you might want to turn the sound down and close the door.)

Now if you will excuse me, I am going back to writing my dissertation on how to jiggle the toilet bowl handle.  I have to have it in by Wednesday.



This article meets the flammability requirements of the California bureau of home furnishings technical bulletin 117.  care should be exercised near open flame or with burning CIGARETTES; reprints can only be approved by Simon Cowel and American idol ltd and any other reproductions whether electronic or otherwise are frowned upon immensely.  All apostrophes and/or commas clearly out of place are purely coincidental.

Bite Sized

BITE SIZE:  McDonalds is offering $1 double Cheese-Burgers, ummmmmmm, yummy.  Taco Bell is hyping a 79 cent menu and now Hardee’s is unveiling a Prime Rib Thick burger, which is a 1/3 lb. Black Angus beef patty toped with thinly sliced prime rib, horseradish sauce, Swiss cheese and grilled onions.  All this will set you back about $4.50 and I suppose around $7.00 if you get a “Diet Coke” and fries.

In Tokyo the entire thing is going for $25 or more, and if you eat it in Hawaii, well, get ready.  Hawaii is the most expensive state in the nation, costs per day for two people, averaging about $738 per day.  Las Vegas is about half of that, at $316.

This is a qualified belt buster.  Each burger weighs in at 780 calories and 48 grams of fat.  Now you can eat like a horse, and look like one a little farther down the road in the future. 

Is this a Great Country or what?

OLYMPIC MENU:  If you are going to the Olympics in China, you might want to consider taking along a stash of Ding Dongs/Twinkies to tide you over.  I wonder if they will go thru the screening process at the airport.

Some of the wonderful delights on the menu in China are:

  • Starfish in shark oil
  • Sea Urchins, star fish, baby sharks
  • Turkey vultures schnitzels (try spelling that one!)
  • Sea snakes, silk worms, sea horses
  • Dog liver with vegetables
  • Goat lungs with red peppers
  • Corn in ginger sauce
  • Mixed cow and horse stew
  • Black scorpions, dung beetles, cicadas
  • Lizard legs, assorted beetles, crickets
  • Dog brain soup
  • Oysters, squids, iguana tails

Bon Appetite … If it walks, crawls, swims on the face of the earth, the Chinese will cook it, everything but the tail it seems.  

Where are the chocolate flavored ants?

Decadent New York burger costs a cool $175:  Its creators admit it is the ultimate in decadence: a $175 (89 pounds) hamburger. The Wall Street Burger Shoppe just raised its price from $150 to assure its designation as the costliest burger in the city as determined by Pocket Change, an online newsletter about the most expensive things in New York.

“Wall Street has good days and bad days. We wanted to have the everyday burger (for $4) … and then something special if you really have a good day on Wall Street,” said co-owner Heather Tierney.

The burger, created by chef and co-owner Kevin O’Connell, seeks to justify its price with a Kobe beef patty, lots of black truffles, seared foie gras, aged Gruyere cheese, wild mushrooms and flecks of gold leaf on a brioche bun.  The eatery sells 20 or 25 per month in the fine dining room upstairs versus hundreds of $4 burgers each day at the diner counter downstairs.

Pocket Change previously designated the double truffle burger at Daniel Boulud’s DB Bistro Moderne as the most expensive at $120, and the Burger Shoppe set out to top that.  Boulud’s creation — available only during black truffle season from December to March — rose to $150 this past season, so the Burger Shoppe raised its price on Monday to $175.  “Our burger is not about the price,” said Georgette Farkas, a Boulud spokeswoman. “If you are making something concerned only about the price, you are off in the wrong direction.”  The day I chose to spend close to $200 on a burger I will be off, off my rocker!

WE JUST COME HERE TO WORK:  A familiar chord that is being heard repeatedly these days is that illegals “just come to work and build a better life.”  Not in Oregon, they don’t.  This week a drug trafficking probe led to the arrest of 20 people linked to Mexico.  They are accused of conspiring to sell large amounts of methamphetamine, heroin and cocaine along the Interstate corridor from Portland south to Woodburn, Oregon.

Recent demonstrations in LA were joined by the “Better Business Bureau” in support of the protestors.  Why not?  These are the same people who cannot afford to lose a good source of cheap sweat-shop labor.  They have a vested interest.

BANANA SLING PROBLEM:  61 year-old Bob Hezzelwood is suing the Lee County sheriff’s department in Florida. He says they violated his civil rights when they ticketed him for wearing a Speedo on the beach. Well, actually, the police claimed he had hiked his suit from the bottom up to reveal, um, a non-family-friendly body part.

Then tell Me: Do you think Speedo bathing suits (think banana hammock) are beach friendly? 

Personally I am restricted from going to the beach.  Used to go all the time, and enjoyed it immensely.  But the last time, the little kids kept running up to me, grabbing me by my ankles and screaming ….. “Get it in the water before it dies! … Rather embarrassing to tell you the truth.

MUPPETS IN THE MORNING:  Radio Gal always makes me smile … Kokomo.

ANOTHER THUD FROM OUR FAVORITE DUD:  Our illustrious President is back from his whirlwind tour of the Middle East.  He went over, hat in hand, to beg for more oil.  No soap.  I found this interesting, while in Egypt he gave a lecture on liberty.  Addressing the World Economic Forum our President says he is “deeply concerned about … dissidents whose voices are stifled.” Isn’t that pathetic? 

This is the same guy under the cover of the “Patriot Act” routinely restricts free speech assembly of protestors in a five square mile area of his speeches or appearances, in the name of “National Security.”  What a hypocrite.

I suppose they took him on a tour of the pyramids and showed him around the town.  “Did you know Mr. President, that if you divide the Great Pyramid’s perimeter by two times its height, you get pi to the fifteenth digit?” 

“Aw, that is nothing, down in the black jacks of Texas, you get a good Homelite with 7.5 horse, chain oilier, you can cut two ricks in forty-five minutes.”

We are always presented with these civic-minded wanting our votes folks, these tech-savvy cohorts who’ve spent their lives being told they’re gifted, unique and destined for greatness wanting to be our President …. And then there is “Dubya.”

Meanwhile the current crop of candidates are back at campaign headquarters checking the map.  “What states are next?” …

Depression and Denial come readily to mind.

Check please.