Bits And Pieces

Six year old Lucy Magnum emerged from a terrible shark attack with a message of grace.  The little girl was boogie-boarding in shallow water off the North Carolina coast when a shark sank its teeth in her leg.  Her parents quickly applied pressure to the wound until emergency workers arrived, saving her leg.

After the incident she said “I hate sharks.  I like dolphins way better.”

But once her parents explained to her that the shark didn’t know that she was a human and had made a mistake, she changed her mind.  “I don’t care that the shark bit me” Lucy said to her mother, “I forgive him.”  We can always learn something new from a kid.

Ah the joys of youth.  I remember when I used to swim before wet suits, across frozen water, I had to wrap or cover myself with bacon grease, which was really scary, because I never knew if when I did reach the other shore, if there would be wolves waiting there for me.

By the way, “Do you know why a shark will not bite a Lawyer or Politician?”

Professional courtesy.

A new gold standard, after a Taiwanese city offered dog owners who clean up after their pets a new incentive … a ticket to a lottery drawing for every bag of dog poop they turned in.  The top three prizes are gold ingots worth up to $2,100.

Which got me to thinking.  How about a National Debt Free Lottery?

Here is the deal, you purchase a ticket for say, $5 with the “chance of living in America for one year TAX FREE.”  If you win (monthly drawing, 12 winners per year or 24, 36, the possibilities are endless) you receive the right to NOT pay any type of tax” for one year.  A game such as this would hold huge appeal to just about every other American and could retire the national debt in short order (perhaps in just a few short years providing we do not wish to enter the Where Is The Next War Sweepstakes our elected leader’s choose to join every now and then).

The return of the American Dream, remember you read it here first.  This is do-able a distinct possibility.

Not like recent comments of our President who said, “”Soon the sun will break through the cloud of uncertainty that hangs over our economy.”  This guy is so far out of it, they need to pump sunshine into him wherever it is that he is currently residing.

I just love these …. Bad Cop … No do-nut.

British police smashed the windows of a car to save a baby left alone inside.  The baby was actually an extremely realistic doll.  First time I ever heard about this sort of thing was at a family reunion in the mid sixties, when I was a small lad.  My uncle Harvey had one of those, but I don’t think it is was baby model?  Anyway my mother said to “not talk about it” that aunt Bernice would take care of it and not to hang around uncle Harvey … Period.

No good huh.

How about this?  A fugitive Victor Burgos taunted police on his Facebook page, posting “catch me if you can.  I’m in Brooklyn.”  Cops quickly tracked down Burgos to an apartment in Brooklyn, where he was sitting a computer with his Facebook page wide open.

Might want to adjust your privacy settings first next time.

Now here is the other end of the gene-pool not so smart file.  While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

We routinely report on folk working two jobs just to get by in these hard times.  Recently in Rockaway N.J. A Dunkin’ Donuts sex sting was launched by local authorities.  One “working girl” (nice tag huh) was arrested after she was caught selling sex along with Munchkins and coffee.  The cops were tuned into it by an anon tip where a person said they could find her offering off the menu items on the night shift.

The cops even gave it a super secret code name operation, they called it “extra sugar.”  No wait!  Don’t give up, it gets even worse.

During the six week operation (taking their time to bust the offender eh?) police sat and watched “extra sugar” proposition customers via the drive thru feature, and then later on, meet the johns in the parking lot for some curb service.  She was finally busted when she provided an undercover cop a with a list of discounted sexual services.”

No report on how many car jacking, robberies, home invasions, assaults, burglaries, or bank robberies in the SIX WEEKS it took to arrest the obviously dangerous felon.

I am going back to the plain do-nut or the Crueler, maybe a few sprinkles, but no more of the creme filled delights for me.

If you are in Germany, it might pay you to watch the words you use to insult someone.  If you for instance call someone in traffic a dumb cow, you could face a fine of up to 300 Euros.   A stupid pig will cost you up to 500 Euros.  Now there are rules for this type of misbehavior.

You stupid pig … is for instance, not allowed when conversing with law enforcement.

You cannot say this or any other unorthodox non-polite thing to a cop, if you do, it could cost you up to 2,000 Euros.  Unless you use the the more polite, formal form of “you,” in which case you only pay 200 Euros.  There are more, “bull, the stink finger (middle finger, either hand this is still optional), and the use of standard curse words also apply.”

I know that sounds ridiculous, but it true.

Now here in America, we are more civilized and everyone knows we are broke, so things are a little different, well, they are a LOT different.  You take my case for instance.  I was siting in this little mom and pop joint deep in the heart of Texas and these two guys were talking about Washington D.C. and George Bush, in  a most unfavorable way and even tho I have a Constitutional Right to remain silent I felt I had to say something… So I offered up …. “Bush is a horse’s ass!”

About that time, the more larger of the two cowboys got up, and slapped the crap out of me.  I quickly apologized and said, “I am sorry.  From the gist of the conversation I thought you were not too fond of Bush.”

He then looked at me and said, “Ah shucks.  It isn’t that, but this here is horse country pard.”

Now … that … Is priceless.



Junking In The Heartland


Garage Sale Make A EU-Weeey!


The weekends are great this time of the year, we usually load up in our old hoopie and go garage saling (sp).  That is what my bride calls it, from the male perspective it is called junking.  So I am sitting in the kitchen at the kitchen table, reading the paper, and there it is, it had to happen sooner or later.

MARKED DOWN & DUSTED OFF: Fort Walton Beach, Fla. – Grandma Marge’s ashes weren’t for sale, but a bargain hunter in Florida walked away with them anyway.  It seems that a touch of Grandma Marge was put in a potted violet, her favorite plant, after her death. The plant was accidentally sold at a weekend yard sale in the Panhandle town of Fort Walton Beach.

The deceased elderly in this country get No Respect.

Today will most likely be a washout for me also.  I never find anything remotely interesting at garage sales, don’t look for me on Oprah (Man finds painting at garage sale worth seven million dollahs!  Uh huh, I am sure).

PRETTY IN PINK: Mr. Obama turned the White House pink this week in honor of breast cancer awareness .  I wonder if Biden even noticed the change?  I am not prone to dwell on political matters, but I do support something like this.  It is a big killer of women and people need to pay attention.

SELF INFLICTED STUPIDITY: Now here is a prime example of person who is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  A Texas man this week slit his own throat in court after being sentenced.  The Dallas man used a thin blade from a safety razor to slit his throat in an apparent suicide attempt Tuesday in the courtroom where a judge had just sentenced him to 40 years in prison. I have often thought of the very same thing, after a bad all meat burritos from “you know who?”

NOW THIS TAKES BALLS … WHERE ELSE …. IN SAN FRANCISCO: Lana Lawless, a former police officer in San Francisco California who underwent a sex change operation five years ago, is challenging the LPGA’s ban on transgender players.  She (or he as the case may be) filed a federal lawsuit this week in San Francisco federal court claiming the LPGA’s “female at birth” requirement for competitors violates a California civil rights law.

Lawless is seeking to prevent the LPGA from holding tournaments in the state until the organization changes its policy to admit transgender players. She is also seeking unspecified damages.

Gives a whole new meaning to the expression … “A hole in one … Doesn’t it?”  (don’t send me any letters, the box is full!)

SPORTS POLL (YAWN?) Dallas Cowboys are America’s favorite team for fourth straight year.   The Cowboys emerged as the favorite team of NFL fans in a Harris Poll released this week.

It is the fourth straight year the Cowboys have been ranked at the top of the poll.  Rumor has it they have hired a new backfield coach from the far east his name is Win Sum Soon  (Well, whadya expect for free?).

EARTHQUAKE RELIEF: Donations are now being accepted for Earthquake Relief for Oklahoma.  Please send anything that you can in order to help us get thru this crisis.  Desperately needed:  Boomer Sooner Ball caps, Oklahoma Thunder T-shirts, How to Noodle the Red River Video’s, Frog-Legs, and fresh cut Okra.


Thanks to our loyal reader James.


GLAZED OVER: Bartlesville, Oklahoma, a place I can assure you, that six billion people have never visited.   Police there say a Oklahoma woman tripled her trouble when she stole a doughnut from someone’s truck, urinated in a parking lot and offered to perform a sex act on an officer for money.

The Bartlesville Examiner-Enterprise reports that the truck owner complained to police that the woman stole the doughnut at about 2 a.m. Wednesday. A convenience store clerk asked police to charge the woman because he said she relieved herself outside the store.

The lucky officer dispatched to this fun call says that when he told the woman she was under arrest, she offered to perform a sex act for money.  At last report, the 27-year-old Tulsa woman was being held Thursday in Washington County Jail on charges of vehicle burglary, trespassing, indecent exposure and soliciting prostitution.

Jail records do not show if she has a lawyer, but I am fairly sure, she is going to need one.  Who knows?  In todays social norm … She might be able to settle out of court on an oral agreement.

POT HOLE POSSE: The news is also reporting that the current administration in Washington is poised to spend some $50 billion on our countries’ crumbling infrastructure.  Which will most likely not make a dent in what amounts to about $33 Trillion needed to bring it all up to snuff.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go.  I want to send the I.R.S. an Email and ask them to cancel my subscription.  Have a great weekend!


Homeland Insecurity

Homeland (I want to put my hand in your bra) Security Workers at the Airport caught some kid trying to smuggle some fireworks out on a jet today bound for Fresno, California.  Heightened security now prevails and we are currently at level six which is blue or kind of off green color, I am not sure.  We sure do take this to extremes anymore don’t we? 

As we always strive to bring you the sublime and the ridiculous.  Get this.  Law Enforcement Agencies and unions are all up in a tizzy, because the new “badges” the screeners are now wearing just released by the government.  They claim it makes them look like they are “law enforcement officers” and not just security personnel. 

When was the last time someone ran you down with an electronic wand and wrote you a ticket? 

Speaking of tickets. (Nice blend eh?)  A few of my newly retired people frequently ask me, as a retired person, what I do to make my days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.  I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a ‘doughnut eating Nazi.’  He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.  So I called him a ‘flat-footed oinker.’

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he wrote a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.  Personally, I didn’t care.  I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said ‘Obama in ’08.’


I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.  It’s important to my health.   

Now before you write me a ton of Emails, I didn’t really do that, a friend sent it to me yesterday and I found it humorous and wanted to include it in here today.  I am a law abiding, honest, truth telling, always pay my taxes, give to the American Red Cross, fine specimen of a human being.

O’Bammer did say that he was ready to bring the troops home, and I am all for that, I have been all for that for about, let’s see, about five years now.  It is not easy living in this big old world of hate and turmoil, especially if all your guardians are not in this country, but rather in someone else’s backyard, and there is no one here to protect you.  Some folks have become so downright comfortable with occupation forces; they are offering to sell their arms and listing them as “only been dropped one time” in the ads.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.  Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise in scaredy-cat levels was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms.  So now, the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.