Bon Apetite

Perhaps it is as my wife says …. “There is just no hope for you.”


Whoooooooie!  Starting to warm up, this is the time of the year, the clerk doesn’t say “Have A Nice Day” but will warn you, “It’s Gonna Be A Hot One.”  The long hot dog days of summer are upon us.  It is heating up, much like last year, in record numbers and already above average.  Looks like it is going to be a scorcher on the plains for sure.

As is our habit, we went out to eat last night.  It is still one luxury that we can still afford in this sagging economy.  It is however, not all that enjoyable any more.  At the beanery the other day I noticed that all of the guys are wearing T-shirts and these long gangsta shorts that reach almost down to their ankles, which is just above the flip flops they are wearing.  Now these are older type men, not young stylish dudes on the prowl, looking for a mate and stylin for some good looking thing, hoping to catch their eye and hook up for the night.

These are old, pot-bellied, bald grandpa types … And frankly I just do not get it.

Looking at each one with nothing but disdain I cannot help of thinking about my mother when I was a child, she would look at me and say, “Mister, you get back into that house and put on something that is presentable to wear in public.”  Seemingly overnight, we have become a nation of poorly dressed overweight people.  It used to be just WalMart where you would see these cretins but now days they seem to be just about everywhere.  It is as if we have lost our national pride or our sense of who we are.

It is one thing to be overweight, it is a completely different thing to just flat out be a slob.

Freely I admit to being overweight late at this stage of the game, and I am scratching parts of my anatomy that I have not seen in at least five years.  But I still try to find something that is decent, clean, and somewhat normal to wear, when I go out with my bride to eat.  My elbows are clean, they are not on the table, and I take off my ball-cap when I dine.

Believe it or not … I even wear shoes, no joke, real lace up type shoes.

Being rode hard and put up wet, having taken my fair share of knocks in life, I still see myself as a good catch.  Taking it one step further, I would say “that put up next to these poorly dressed, no manner knuckle draggers’ out on the town for a sumptuous meal with their mate,” that I am a real prize.  After all these years, it is still important to me, I owe it to my mate, to put my best foot forward.  I want her to be proud of her man, not ashamed.

Maybe it is time to move onto more substantial issues.

Like this ball-cap thing, why is it the kid cannot get it straight on top of his head, it is always pulled down to the bridge of his nose and on sideways.  They are everywhere you look at the mall, walking around with their snoop-dawgy-dawg drawers, showing the crack of their …. Oh well, you get the picture, dontcha?  This summer might be a good time for me to just give up eating in buffet’s and going to the Mall.  Who knows, it might even improve my outlook on life.

Like I said, it is quite apparent, I just don’t get it  … Perhaps it is as my wife says …. “There is just no hope for you.”


Cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress Online

Big Tipper


Now knowing me, I want to start off with something funny and sassy like:  “I didn’t know Al’s wife had put on weight, how does she look?” But a great majority of you possibly do not remember that Al Gore’s wife was named “Tipper.”

So I won’t do that today.

This is not about his wife anyway.  We went out to eat on Saturday with some friends, Tessa and Jay.  We went to a place called the “Catfish Cabin” and they have this very large and sumptuous buffet (which stands for Big Ugly Fat Folks Eating Together) and nice spread.  We have been there many times in the past, the food is good, the ambiance is okay, and we are comfortable there.

We ate a good meal, we sat around and visited a little and then it came time to leave.

So our friends ventured, “We will pay for the meal, you get the tip.” So I readily agreed, sounded like a good deal to me, and that is that.  I reach into my pocket, feel the fresh crisp paper currency with my hand, bring it out and toss it on the table at the same time I am talking to my friend Jay and of course slipping into my jacket so that the cold winter Oklahoma night doesn’t freeze me too death.

You see I am really good at multi-tasking, have I ever shared that with y’all, well, I am.

So everything is fine, and then out of the clear blue, appears our waiter server guy and he is just overjoyed to see us, he says, “You folks came back again!  We are sooooooooooo glad that you came by, please don’t be a stranger.”

And then goes on and on.

Afterwards Jay looks at me and says, “Man, that guy was sure glad to see us.  What is up with that?” and I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “I dunno.” We said our respective goodbyes and did the obligatory woman hug in the parking lot and then headed out in our own separate directions, another good dinner and some fellowship, end of a night.

Saturday Nite In The Big Town.  Payday-tight-shoe-money night.

Next morning, we are up early, getting ready to go out to breakfast, and I am putting on my pants.  The wife she says, “Do you have to go to the bank?” and I said, “Naw, got it right here in my pocket, $41 dollars.” Then I reach into my pants, feel the paper money in the pocket, retrieve it and pull it out.

There it is …. 1 five, and 2 fresh, brand new ONE DOLLAR bills!

You see, the three bills I fished out of my pocket at the Catfish Cabin were the two twenties and the one single, breakfast money for the next day, and the three bills in my hand the next morning were for the tip.

During all of my efficient off the charts multi-tasking my priorities somehow reversed on me.  So ends the mystery of the enthusiastic waiter server person.  We now know.

Well time to go, getting a little verbose here over nothing.  When I get some spare time later on, I will tell you how we went to the Mall on Sunday after breakfast and my lovely wife bought me a brand new money clip.

And it wasn’t even my birthday!


Random Musings

Just finished reading some 1400 words some guy wrote on why he wants to commit suicide, and I thought to myself, “Man, talk about writer’s block?” There has to be something better than that to keep a guys fire stoked than that.

Friday Nite in the Metroplex, should be starting out for a night on the town! Y’sir, like them “good old days” when you rocked the house down and ate at Denny’s at 2:30 a.m., with the rest of middle class white trash, and other forms of humanity. Now is the time, when we should be starting out, but we are actually heading for bed. Times change, such are the frustrations of life.

Gonna get cool tonight, might have to lite up the old heater? Believe it or not. I am reminded of the old joke where a guy goes skydiving in Oklahoma. He is taken up about 12,000 feet into the air, and the door opens and he goes out. Geeeeeeronimo! He yells, reaches down and pulls his rip chord and nothing happens, he looks up and there is no chute!

At about that time, he looks down and sees this body hurtling upward from the ground at a high rate of speed, and he yells out to the guy …… “Hey Buddy! Do you know anything about rip chords?” and the guy approaching at hundreds of miles per hour shouts back ….. “No, do you know how to lite a gas burning heater?”

No good huh. Well whadya expect for free?

Took the lawnmower to the lawnmower shop and was going to drop it off, but there were no people there to leave it with, it appears that even lawnmower people take a holiday. I had originally bought the thing because I got tired of pushing one and I wanted a lawnmower that pulled itself. In the beginning, when it was new, it did just that, but now it has reverted to the status of a PUSH mower and that simply will not cut it. Thus the need for a trip to the repair shop. Such are the frustrations of life ….

Uh, give it up boys! No more nude pictures of Sarah Palin please, I am not stupid. Someone is going to get into serious trouble passing out all of this bogus garbage. Contrary to popular opinion, it will not be me. What I consider interesting, when Hillary was running, they were not passing anything like this from site to site, she must not have what it takes to excite the average voter.

Often I will dream something that is so vivid, so real, and then later on, wish that I could remember the dream in its entirety. Today during an afternoon nap, I had such a dream. It was about a Chicago crack-head, lying in a sterile room in a hospital, on the verge of dying. His wife and his kids were there, just slightly out of reach and the dream dealt with his thoughts of life and death. The dream dealt with the processes in play, as life ebbed and slowly drained away …….

It was so dramatic and very profound, it touched the core of my being, and yet, I am sad because I cannot remember the body of the dream, only bits and snatches of it. Now later on, I am at a definite impasse, I feel a loss, because I am unable to illustrate it. Such are the frustrations of life.

A good lunch today, Chinese Food, my favorite.

It is healthy fare, and these days, most of everything that we eat is not. Again, I am on a quest for the “ideal solution to health issues” and wondering about what it is that I am supposed to eat. Much like the crack-head in Chicago, I am struggling with what will keep me alive and what will eventually lead to my demise, we have a lot in common, he and I. Most everything we eat is unhealthy because the food companies are good at finding ways around the FDA guidelines and usually give us something “other than what we are buying” anyway. Best bet, if you see the word “contains” anywhere in the packaging, pass. It is not going to be good for you.


Along the same vein … Rumor going around that Joe Biden is going to bow out for “health reasons” and that you-know-who is going to take the second spot for the-you-know-what … and that should effectively be the absolute end to American politics’ as we currently know it. Now I am not all that sure it is real or rumor, as I read it on another site …Such are the frustrations of life …..

Gasoline dropped fifty-cents per gallon in two days, reason I know, I filled up two days ago, at the HIGHER price. Someone, I don’t know who, has gouged me out of about $12 or $14 on this tank, and I am somewhat piqued (upset) about it. That is hard on a guy, trying to meet all these things head on, how are you supposed to keep it within the guidelines, when someone is always coming by and moving the sticks.

Now the latest wrinkle seems to be “Zero Interest – Zero Financing” on a new car, which appears to be a tad bit on the desperate side to me. Why not just give me the car and be done with it?

Sitting on the porch this afternoon, cool breeze caressing and stroking my tired brow. Often wish I was independently wealthy and could afford a laptop. I could sit out there and write, write, write. Dell has one out now that has a battery life of 19 hours, and it is under $700. One feature that really appeals to me is “instant on” that is cool, no time lost sitting there waiting for it to load. But there is no laptop in my future, I am too busy trying to tank up at a reasonable price (I told you I was hacked off about it, didn’t I?) and buy a burger from time to time.

Instead I read.

I am reading this book that says “sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.” The other eight are not all that really important. Actually when you come to think about it, sex is nobody’s business except the three people involved. It has been so long since I had sex, I forget who gets tied up, that is from my cousin Steve. I had to bury this in the post, now let’s see if they can find it (perverts)? You want a big hit day on your internet site, just insert the S-E-X word somewhere in the title of your post. You see, I buried it here, 1,107 words deep, smart move, most folks have tired of this and moved on long ago.

There is another one … Verbose hacks on the Internet …… Such are the frustrations of life.

I sure wish someone like Ross Perot or Steve Forbes would run for president, get someone in there that “at least knows something about money” the economy needs a good shot in the arm, Larry King needs some more interesting guests. There has to be more to life than the occasional Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld commercial. Another thing is buggin’ me is movies, if they’re cranking out 10-20 new movies a year, how come we are relegated to old re-runs (encore performances) on every channel … Such are the frustrations of life.

Perhaps I have spent too much time dwelling on all this wretched sin in my life, this Friday evening. Beats watching an old re-run of Murder She (snooze) Wrote. Might be time to sit down and pound out something on all the indulgence in our wretched little lives, too much stuff, an article on being totally frustrated and lost, in our time of quiet desperation and hopeless addictions.

I don’t know if it would make me feel any better about things in general, but it would certainly get my word count up.