Mercury on the thermometer is supposed to hit almost eighty today, a good day to curl up with a book on the porch, a glass of sweet tea and just let life take its course.
Unfortunately, it is also the time of the year, when things grow. I have to get out and mow the yard today, first time for the season, I am not looking forward to this, but the lawn guy sez that I have to do it now, so he can apply the chemicals that makes all the bad stuff go away.
That is an Okie Scientific term y’all.
Watched a two hour special on “Our Poisoned Waters” last night on PBS, definitely not a good time to be a frog or a fish if you live in Seattle or the Chesapeake Bay Area of Virginia. Then it was “What happens when Comets or Asteroids hit earth” which could explain why the Mayan Calendar expires in 2012. Rushing headlong into the abyss and my appointed ten p.m. bedtime and the coupe de gras … “When civilization dies, what happens then?”
No more MasterCard, priceless, or Starbucks I assume.
Afterwards I just wanted to lite a bunch of small scented candles, strategically placed around the rim of the bathtub, soak in the luke warm water and of course, slit my wrists. To just lie there in the tranquility of the moment, me and Celine Dion and the tape player stuck on repeat play.
The world could have ended. Could be all of this has happened and I just flat out did not notice? I have not received “one comment” all week long, and that is surely unusual for us. Could it be it is all over, that the last bus for the day has run, and I am not aware?
This morning I discover that Prozac and Zanex and some other anti depressant medicines can actually lead to the end of romance. According to this theory, these powerful drugs change the neurons in the brain, and discourage amorous activity and repel love. I guess the next logical thing will be sex without the “X.” Dull, lifeless, boring, unexciting lovemaking, as in non-X rated sex. A day without sunshine is like sex without the X kind of deal.
This one is so creepy, you are going to swear I am making it up, but I am not. Flogging your way to love. Sadomasochism may seem like a puzzling way for a couple to express their affection, but a new study shows that couple who spank or tie each other up feel closer afterward. It is probably the shared activity that brought the couple closer together. So there you go. Want more happiness in your marriage then the recipe is simple …
Whip me. Beat Me. Make Me Write Bad Checks!
So in the spirit of the day, I now invent for you, “Cognitive Recognition Disease” which is a disorder that only affects men and it produces an enzyme in the mind that forces the male to NOT recognize the new hair style of the wife or the significant other in his life.
The short name for this is called “Hair Blindness.”
If you have any other requests or disorders that you need addressed, please email them in to our mailbox, and we will invent something that will allow men to get off the hook with their help mates. Please have your current telephone and credit card number handy.
CBS is reporting that oil companies are shutting down rigs in the gulf of Mexico. With oil inventories now falling by 1.4 million barrels a day, oil traders are betting the price of it will go up. I mean, there is a major “duh?” if I ever saw one. Looks like it is going past $50 per barrel this week, up from $40 and nowhere near the record high of $147 per barrel and your first born male child that we saw last year.
Dumb crooks, oh how I just “love” dumb crooks.
A Pennsylvania man allegedly tried to rob a retired police chief at a convention of police officers and was, not surprisingly … arrested. The former chief had just emerged from a men’s room stall when the dumb crook brandished a gun and demanded cash.
About that time he was promptly swarmed by roughly a dozen of the 300 narcotics cops at the conference. “He actually walked past a great big poster that said … WELCOME NARCOTICS OFFICERS … which I suppose would make him possibly the dumbest guy in Pennsylvania.
A thirteen year old kid in Iowa was arrested for biting 11 kids at his school. His father said he meant no harm, but was obsessed with the vampire move Twilight. Reminds me of the old joke, where the guy goes to the doctor and the doctors says to him, “I have some bad news, you have rabies.” Upon hearing the news, the patient immediately produces a notepad and a pen and starts writing in it furiously. The doctor, curious, inquires of him, “What is that, your last will and testament?”
And the guy stops writing looks up and says, “Hell no, this is a list of people I am going to bite!”
(Yeah I know, but remember, all of it, all of this ……. Is free)
An Ontario woman became terrified by a card board cutout of a coyote that had been set up in a park to scare away geese. The coyote, she said, “barked” at her as she jogged by, and she fled in panic and called 911 to report a wild animal on the prowl. Now here is the really sad part of all this …. The Police surrounded the coyote before realizing it wasn’t real.
Hammered down Grandma.
A woman in Oregon after being stopped for driving 103 mph on a road with her 10 year old grandson in the car explained to police that she was only trying to teach the boy to never drive that fast.
I got a ticket on Sunday for no seat belt, I still don’t know how it was he bagged me, but he did. So we pull over, and he says “I will be right back” and when he hands the ticket to me to sign, I comment, “All them cop shows on TV when the guy is stopped and he is polite and nice, and honest like I was, well, they get a warning ticket.“
The cop smiled and said, “That is television Mr. Smith, this is reality.“
C’mon comet ……