CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS

Chopsticks

I am thoroughly convinced that if you watch three full episodes of The Bachelor, that you can be certified, brain dead.  My wife not only watches this, but she watches the commercials too.  Sitting there in my chair, with that deer in the headlight stare, my mind keeps playing over and over, shoot me, shoot me, please, take me outside and shoot me!  Continue reading

I Am Tired

Have not vented in awhile, so I am going to blow off some steam.  By the way, “this post contains no literary value or socially redeeming information whatsoever.  Any resemblance to anyone living or dead … most likely was on purpose.”  (Lawyers said I might want to put that in there)

Here is what I am tired of:

I am tired of this “what do you want it for?” when I go to buy something.  Why is it the salesperson selling this item feels that he/she “needs to know” what I am going to use it for or where I am going to apply it in my everyday life.  Just sell it to me.  One more (we’re headed for a bonus round Alex) this reply of “No, what you really NEED is this” (instead of what I asked for) … Beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life here, even if it is a “best buy.”

I am tired of needing a couple of these and when I go to the store, or outlet, only to discover there is only “ONE” of them for sale.  What is going on with that?  You need a pair of something and you find only one.  Think about it …  “Who buys only ONE loading ramp?” … Hell’s Angels?

I am tired of having to buy a dozen dry-cell batteries, when the device I use, only requires four.  Why do I have to purchase all the others, that never seem to get used, and when it is time for new ones, these “spares” are now dead and useless.

I am tired of bad Hollywood movies about high-school where all the girls are clearly well-endowed, wearing low-cut, showing a lot of cleavage dresswear and are a bit of a hooker type image in a progressive school and they are the main character.  The only girls I knew in high-school that fit this profile were (A)  Robbing their big brothers sock drawer.  (B)  Using a lot of tissue paper. (C)  The captain of the shot-putt team.

I am tired of sitting waiting on a stop light, when there is nothing coming in either direction, especially at $3.50 per gallon.  Have you noticed that since it got above $3.50 that there is no more talk of:  Offshore drilling, our dependence on other countries for our energy needs, solar power, wind power, the green initiative, shortages or shortfalls?

I am tired of television commercials where the respondents have the I.Q. of say, room temperature.  It is insulting to all of us, and I wish they would stop … because I will never purchase anything that advertises in a stupid fashion (New and Improved dog food?  Don’t squeeze the Charmin.  Bob is really happy!  The government wants to give you free money to name a few).

I am REALLY tired of politicians telling me that they are going to give me the leadership that I not only want … but I deserve.  Which is neither.

I am tired of folks taking multiple cellphone calls in the cafe/restaurant while I am eating lunch and discussing the “size of their blind dates assets” on Saturday night, or what they can legally do about the baby sitter getting into their stash and going thru their clothes closets.

I am tired of teenager’s who walk around the mall in their droopy snoop-dawg underwear, wearing their ball-caps sideways (the bill goes to the front Nimrod) and sing while wearing IPODS … which really sounds bad.  IPODs should have a warning label, much like a pack of cigarettes.  It would read:  “Caution, singing with headphones or earphones on, will not make you sound better to the general public at large.”

I am tired of neighbor’s who take up the entire aisle at WalMart with their shopping carts visiting when I need to get to the Oreos.  People who get in the fast lane (20 items or less) with a cart stuffed tighter than a weight watchers pair of shorts.

I am really tired of the old geezer’s who are happy because they can go fifty miles without stopping for a bathroom break.  And the two romantic bozo’s who sit in the matching bathtubs at the seashore, at sunset, holding hands, and living a richer more productive sex life?  Give me a break.  By the way, did you know the telephone was invented 74 years after the bathtub?  Yeah, no poopy.  You could have soaked for a long time, without the phone ringing, just think about that one for a bit.

I am really tired of medicine that has the following:  Dizziness, dryness of throat, dry cough, sleep disruption, nausea, and explosive diarrhea … Why can’t they put some Imodium ID in this stuff when they are mixing it up to begin with and put a stop to that last one.

I am tired of “Did you find everything you were looking for?” and when you reply, “No.  Where are the ______ ?” and then they say something like … “Okay.”

I am tired of standing in line at the bank waiting on a teller, when there are ten windows, but only TWO girls working the counter.  I am tired of viewing a commercial and the the NEXT commercial is the SAME commercial … I got it the first time.

I am tired of the right lane being shut-down in 1,500 feet for no apparent reason.

And lastly … before I lift off and head for my own planet

I am tired of cheap phones that do not work, and then being required to sign a two year agreement in order to get another cheap phone that does not work, when I have been a good, loyal, valid and documented always paying on time customer, for over ten years.

I guess that would just about cover it … Unless of course …. Something else pop’s up, we will keep you advised.  I am headed out to watch some Charlie’s Angels … Hang loose.

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It Aint What It Seems

Things have been driving me nuts here lately, and I can no longer abide by a lot of things.  I need to learn how to suck it up.  

Every now and then, I feel the need to get outta town for awhile.  That time has come, so much to the wonderment and absolute glee of the major oil companies, I am going to get out in my bus and burn off some fossilized carbon atoms and spend large sums of money in order to do it. Things have gotten better here lately, diesel is once again, under $4 per gallon and I hear that President Obama numbers have gotten so good he has been upgraded from an empty chair to a small empty sofa.  (Please note I did not say Love Seat, we all know that dawg aint gonna hunt, don’t we?) So I have decided to “suck it up” … bite the bullet, eat my shorts, whatever.  I am out of town for a week or two, so if you don’t see any new posts.  Don’t worry, it is because I am out of pocket for awhile. When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are … Oh yeah, before I forget.  I read some more interesting news on the space thing (that is what I am calling my latest obsession, my therapists she calls it a fixation, but I like space thing a whole lot better).  Anywho, a galaxy-wide search for earth like planets has returned a startling number of candidates.  Using NASA’s Kepler space telescope, astronomers this year announced they’d spotted roughly 2,326 new worlds and they are still counting.  Ten of those planets are close to the size of ours and orbit their suns (orbiting around a star, such as we do) in the “hospitable zone,” where temperatures could be a balmy 72 degrees which would support liquid water and potentially life.

Which brings us to that age old question …

I wonder which side

of the road they drive on?

Some people should absolutely NOT drink.  I am one of them, my wife says that no one appreciates it when you get up on top of the coffee table and do surfer imitations while singing to a Beach Boy Album (ask your Mom and Dad kids, I don’t have time to explain all of this).  A California man (where else?) was charged with unlawfully maiming a reptile after he bit a python at a connivence store.  He saw a woman showing off her snake to the clerk, so he walked up to it and sank his teeth into it, so hard, as to require medical attention for the snake.

Now I have been a little bit tight at times in my life,

but never thought of biting a snake,

maybe the foreigner behind the counter,

but never a snake.

Loyalty can get expensive.  Did you know that you are most likely paying too much for just about everything?  Well you are, and here is an article that explains it all.  It appears that all of the “newcomers” in America are getting the deal, customer loyalty counts for zip.   Surprisingly it makes a whole lot of sense when you stop and think about it.  You get the better deals by shopping around … Check it out. Working from home could be dangerous.  Me I am pretty much set in my ways and do most of my work from home, but still there is the inherent danger of working at home and not at the office.  With all endeavors, there is always the little thing that happens that kind of throws a wrench into the machinery.

Everything has a shelf life, all things wear out.  Do you need glasses??

Look carefully at the picture below.

Did you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?

If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the armpit of the girl holding the the camera.  (I have taken the liberty of making an eye appointment for you at 2pm, next MONDAY afternoon)  Things aren’t always what they appear to be. So Boys & Girls, the email is shut down and we are headed out of town!  We thought we might go down to Alabama and visit our relatives, see what they are up to.  My side of the family … really fun people.

Y’all be nice to each other while I am gone, play fair, don’t kill anyone.  Browse the archives, there is plenty to read over there, and here is the best part. It’s all free.

OOO

Put Some Zest In Your Life …

Been having a lot of problems with commercials here lately.  I don’t understand them at all, they must feel that we are a Happy Meal short of french fries or something.  (I hear now that they have a new Happy Meal they are serving in Oakland California … The Happy To Be Alive Meal)  Slowly but surely I am reaching my tolerance level on this current round of television commercials.

As it is a slow day here at the goat farm, I will point out or illustrate a few examples for you.

Verizon …Which is not to be confused with Horizon … two different things y’all.  Huge airplane, a stormy dark, mysterious looking sky.  I see three guys, each carrying a bright shiny ball of some sort, running to the back of a C-130 at a horrendous height above mother earth.  They all voluntarily bail out the rear of this plane and head downward, hurtling thru space at an incredible speed, carrying their shiny light things, and then the entire country lights up with noticeable intensity and power …. then a notice … “Do Not Try This” flashes onto the screen.

No problem.  Rented a C-130 lately.  Anyone?  Anyone?

Thought so.

Fabreeze, here is another one for you.  Gets out 75% of smells and odors, in the new sweet citrus and zest scent.  Now I am kind of worried about the 25% that gets through, what in the world could that possibly smell like?  And this “zest” what is that exactly?  In the masculine sense it just does not work, “Hey did you smell the zest on that guy?  Wonder how long he has gone without a shower?” or “Karl was asked to not come into the locker room after 18 holes, as other members complained about his zest.”

Cut away … Two duck hunters sitting in a blind in the backwaters of a half-frozen pond in Wisconsin, crack of dawn, one turns to the other and says, “Say Dan, what is that scent you are wearing?” and the other hunter replies, “Well Frank, it is called zest.”  A moment of awkward silence and then … “It smells simply delicious” the other hunter replies, “Why thanks, do you think these waders make my butt look big?  Be honest now.”

I don’t get it.

Click new channel.  Focus in on the sleek, chrome, testosterone filled SUV going down the road at a high rate of speed in what looks like modern day Wyoming or Red Lodge, Montana.  Suddenly for no apparent reason, it leaves the road and swings out into the open wilderness in carefully controlled reckless abandon.  (Figure that one out.)  Sagebrush and dust fill the screen!  The announcer says, “No other SUV will do this!”   Yeah?  Bull, anything and everything will do that, if you say, fall asleep at the wheel or look down to fish out another Gummy Bear out of the bag on the floorboard of the car.  Then it appears …. “Do Not Try This … Professionals.

Again … No problem.

Click new channel.  All these CMT video’s (and most of the situation comedies on television these days) are driving me up the wall.  Where are all the obese people, the people with the apparent weight problems?  Kind of like Bay Watch, the old television show that ran in the late nineties, that always had a beach full of beautiful people.  Running and sunning, not a care in the world, ah life was good.

Where are all these TV people living?  I never see them anywhere.  Where is this mythical population of just well endowed women showing a lot of cleavage.  Come to think of it, where are all the well endowed women showing a lot of cleavage when I go out to the store and to town?  I surely see a lot of overweight people.

I don’t get it.

CMT is also running a commercial for a new T Shirt that effectively removes (pardon the expression) “Butt Cracks.”  I am not making this up people, it is on there.  Here is a new product that will save us from unsightly appendage exposure by providing the wearer of the garment a longer tail on the T Shirt.  Now seriously, what kind of audience are they seeking besides Joe The Plumber of Sarah Palin Fame?

I told you it was a slow day on the Goat Farm … I seem to be on a roll … so here are two more.  Why is the dumb kid in the joke always named “Little Johnny” and the other woman greeted in the supermarket “Jane, and she just cannot believe its not butter?”

(If I tried to spoon feed my bride a piece of toast, she would bust my chops faster than a New York Minute and one more thing, if she ever shows up at the table wearing a sheer semi-transparent nightgown like that … Well flapjacks be dammed … All bets are off!)

And every now and then you come across a commercial that is worth watching, something that not only informs but captivates.  Such as this one, the power of dreams, Citibank …  There are so many adventures in life, that most of us will never come close to experiencing.

Having succeeded in increasing my total word count for the month, and gleefully established myself as a dues paying member of the Dirty Old Man Club,  I shall now make my departure.  This is the end of today’s post … please do not try this at home … as it is clearly apparent that it wasn’t done by a professional and you could possibly hurt yourself.

OOO

Remember When

You have made it to Friday, congratulations, the long awaited weekend is just now appearing on your horizon.  Good job!

Desperately seeking a respite from the snow, I plan on slinking out for some shopping today (Yes Margaret, men do occasionally go shopping, we just refer to it as Knocking Around).  Might go looking for one of them new tools for men I saw the other day.

Believe it or not, I could sit here all day and watch these commercials, they give me a testosterone rush which at my age is kind of dangerous.  But I like life on the ragged edge.  Kind of late with my hauling this morning, so I guess I best get back to the post.

Isn’t it funny how things change in our lives, and we hardly even notice?  (Nice blend huh?)  Outfit in town is selling “previewed DVD’s” and that makes me wonder … Whatever happened to the term Used? Pre-Owned cars, that is another one, what happened to a good used car? We have a good deal on a Program Car, which of course, used to be a lease car, or a rental car. Our finance specialist will be by to help you with the terms of the deal, how about our car salesman?

Emergency Brakes? At some point in life, the Parking Brake, became the Emergency Brake.
Things used to be store bought, another endearing term of my generation.
Coast to coast was a phrase I heard a lot growing up, that disappeared, it is now “World Wide.”
Which only lasted a fraction of time, only to be replaced with Global Market.

Wall to Wall … remember that, “wall to wall, a whole room full of carpet”  Now it is hardwood floors, which is what “wall to wall was invented for in the beginning” to cover them up.

In a family way, was changed to pregnant and that was changed to PG or In The Oven.
Divorce became divorcee, then it was gay divorcee, but now a days, that is not a good term to lay on someone.  Gay isn’t gay anymore, gay is a death sentence in a society that has gone over the edge. A sexually permissive self indulgent world where I believe they have 66 known sexually transmitted diseases floating around (STD’s), last time I checked.

Confirmed bachelors and career girls are long gone, replaced with career motivated.
Abortion is a Lifestyle Choice,
Adultery is an Affair.
Genocide has been replaced by Ethic Cleansing, and murder is still murder, no matter what you call it.

Trans-gender … Don’t even get me started.

Aging, replaced by Biological Clock, Senior Citizens, to New Age Generians.  Housewife, is now a Domestic Home Industrial Engineer.
Overweight has been changed to “Metabolically challenged” Revitalized carpet? (Resurrection of the dust ball?)
New and improved Dog Food?
(As if a dog is going to know the difference?)

I always liked “New Improved Tide, it gets out the grass and ugly blood stains.”
You have bloodstains on your clothing; it seems you have bigger problems than just dirt.

Removes 75% of dust, allergens, and odors, that other 25% must really be tough huh?
New and improved, fresher fragrance, no more old crappy smell, this costs .98 cents more.
A remote? Does that imply that it should be somewhere else?
Which is okay, most of the time, it is just that.

Percolator that was a fun word, now we have Mr. Coffee Maker. Pretty dull. Come to think of it, “If the kitchen is the domain of the woman, as we have all been led to believe, then shouldn’t that be MRS. Coffee Maker?”

How did pimple get shortened to Zit.
Hamburger, when it doesn’t contain any ham?
Big Sale, has changed to “we are overstocked again!”
Going out of business! (fifth time)
Now if you have been in business 25 years, how in the world do you get “overstocked” EVERY YEAR.

Saw this one last spring “Large Hail Sale.”
It was SMALL HAIL that caused all the problems.
Dyna-Flow, Electra-Luxe, Spectra-Vision …… where are they now?

More? Sure why not?

If you live in Oklahoma there is Miami (but pronounced by the locals as My-am-muh ) and if you are in Florida it is Miami (My-Am-mee) and then there is Demi (Dee-Me) Moore the actress, but I never saw a Semi (See-Me) truck on the Highway.

Aunt — Cant? Is this a crazy mixed up world or what?

And this brings me to supper.
In this part of the world it is “Breakfast, Dinner and Supper.”
Now what in the world happened to Lunch?
Was it ate up by brunch, which is not to be confused with dinner, that comes much later, just before …… Oh, well, you get my drift.

Life moves on … The television is currently rambling on about four old Geezers, riding around in a ‘57 Chevy convertible and spouting …… “Now men don’t have to worry about find a bathroom anymore!” Yeah right, like a MAN EVER WORRIED ABOUT THAT ONE … Take this and swallow it, your prostrate and your life coincidentally, will all be just fine afterwards.  Why are the people in the sex enhancement commercials always sitting, holding hands, in a bathtub?  I never in my life, had sex in a bathtub!

Trust me. Heh-heh.

So here I sit, with an organ the size of grapefruit growing inside my body that I was blissfully unaware of, and I don’t know what to do about it, other than watch the latest, late breaking news flash about male menopausal prostrate problems.  Drinking my masculine coffee, from my Mr. Coffee Maker that was Hecho in Meh-ico. Thank you Madison Avenue, for cutting thru all the clutter. How about addressing my other problem. I still need exercise.

Joggin didn’t produce the positive results for me that I had hoped for. Every time I went out and jogged, in my Chinese Tennis shoes, assembled in Malaysia, my fat thighs rubbed together and then my underwear caught on fire.

Got something for that?

 

Have a great weekend, we will of course, see you on Monday.

OOO