Reach Out And Bug Somebody!

Another week of “sent to you from my I phone” stuff, I still remain not all that impressed.  Perhaps I am missing something here, but for the life of me, I don’t know what it is.

America having stopped smoking is now having a love affair with the cellphone evidently. I once heard a story of a guy that loved his car so much that when he died, he was buried in it.

Now what is coming next, you are not going to be ready for at all.  I am hearing of all these “unlimited minutes” folks who want to be buried with their cellphones!  Incredible.  American funeral Director magazine reports a new trend and that is people being buried with their cellphones.

They even go so far as to report, “I have seen people leave their phones on and tell me they’re going to call home later.”  Not that anyone would answer, but they seem to want to have the connection.

Which is really stupid … Don’t these people know there is nowhere to plug in a battery charger even in the nicest coffin you can purchase?  Personally, I have instructed Cup Cake, to have me interned eight feet down, and she said, “Why?  It is supposed to be six feet.” And then I said …. “I want folks to know that deep down I was a nice guy!

Death Never Takes A Holiday — Remember that.

People have this aversion to addressing the issue of death.  I always like to think of the young preacher that was going to his first funeral and he had a blowout on his car.  So he stopped and fixed the flat, and then considerably late for the funeral went on down the road.  He drove awhile and saw two men on a hill, shovels in hand, digging, so he stopped the car, went up the hill and said to them, “Don’t worry about a thing, I am late, but go right ahead and then he opened up his bible, and preached his sermon on the mound.”

After completing his sermon, the preacher looked at the two men and said, “Thanks, I am sorry I was late.” He then turned around and headed back down the hill.  One guy who was digging looked at the other guy and asked him, “Why didn’t you tell him this was for a septic tank?” and the other one replied, “Aw, I just didn’t have the heart.”

Asking For Heavenly Providence

More religious news?  Okay, glad you asked.  Praying for help, evangelical churches around the nation are reporting a surge in new members which is most likely a direct result of hard economic times.  Evidently when people are shaken to the core, it can open doors.

“Dear Lord, it is me again, with my gospel of hard times, my prayer of deliverance.  I need for you to show me the way to curb my need for routinely dealing in excesses and show me a pathway out of this consumerist culture that has ensnared my soul.  Please teach me how to love those that do not love me, and show me how to appreciate those folks who do not consider me a friend.  If you can not do that Lord, please break their ankles so that I might know them by their limping.  Please show me how to forgive George Dubya Bush. Amen.”


Some Parts May be Missing

<><><> Romance South Of The Border <><><>

After the wedding of the world’s heaviest man, Mexican Maneuel Uribe, who has slimmed down to 683 pounds (down from 1244 lbs) attended his ceremony in a custom-made bed and passed up on the cake.  “He didn’t break his diet” said his mother.  Man, that is something.  You lose 561 lbs, about the equivalent of three men and you are still morbidly obese.  Whew?  Only a mother could love that.

<><><> Good News –  Bad News in the Land of Enchantment <><><>

Now I like this …… A New Mexico newspaper, a bi-monthly rag, printed its Oct 26th-Nov 8th issue with a clear headline that read:  “OBAMA WINS!”  The New Mexico Sun News urged readers however “to get out and vote, even though we spoiled the ending for you.”  How about that, a newspaper that actually cares.

<><><> The number you have dialed is really disconnected <><><>

An Oregon teenager said she didn’t see the police officer trying to pull her over for driving 107 mph because she was too busy talking on her cellphone.  When asked why she was driving so insanely fast, the pert little teen replied, “It is more fun than a barrel of monkeys.”  But when you are 16-18 the world is a fun place, later on in life, you get into politics, paying taxes and voting and you eventually find out what a barrel of monkeys smells like and it all changes.

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if  he could see her license.  She replies in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

<><><> Our loser of the week to sing ONE MORE time for you <><><>

American Idol fans mark your calendar, I am reading in the paper that the show returns for a positive eight season, where does the time go?  It seems just like yesterday I saw some freak with orange hair, warbling I got Rhythms in my living room and making our dog stretch real hard and yowl at the ceiling!  Eight years, and don’t forget, that simply marvelous Bryan Seacrest will be back, mmmmmmmmmm, yummy! Check your local listings.

<><><> Shop Till You Drop <><><>

Heather Mills has already spent more than $15 million of her settlement from divorcing Paul McCartney in seven months says the London Sun.  Mills, who was awarded around $37 million, spent the money on an apratment in New York, renovations on existing homes, an outdoor swimming pool.

Then there was the matter of salary for her staff, and donation of $1 million in vegetarian food to homeless children.  I suppose she will just fart the rest of it off in the future.  Kind of like that guy who won the lottery in Chicago.  After winning this incredibly huge payout, they asked him what he planned to do with it.

He thought about it for a moment or two and then said …. “I think I will spend it on wine, women and song!  The rest of it I will just probably blow.”

Easy come … Easy Go I guess.