​Ramblings of a Retired Mind

Sitting here with my first cup of coffee for the day (one of many I suppose) and reading some of the blog posts from the weekend.  One thing about the Internet, it can often be entertaining and at the same time, informative.  This morning I am reading where Obama took a vacation to the Islands and it cost us $4 million, I sure hope he had a good time.  Last year it was Vail, Clorado, Martha’s Vineyard and a trip to Spain, all on the taxpayers tab, some $10 million.

We are thinking about taking a cruise on the South Canadian River in southern Oklahoma this summer, if the sandbars don’t get too bad.  It is all that we can afford.

But then again, we buy our OWN gasoline and FUEL and that makes a big difference.  All of a sudden, Ol Gee-Dubya (George W Bush) hosing around the old homestead in Crawford Texas with a chainsaw is looking better and better.

I read this morning that they have discovered a mushroom that eats plastic, now that is a trip.  You can read all about it here.   Now here is a fungus with attitude.  Scientists are always discovering new and interesting things, and it amazes me, some of the lengths they will go to doing this.  I read of a chemist in Minn. that had been working on a new chemical compound, and not knowing what it was capable of, he decided to brush his teeth with it.

And low and behold, his teeth got much, much whiter and brighter.

Everything was just swell, until he walked outside in the chilly Minnesota weather, and discovered that cold air, turned the chemical coal black.  Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Speaking of creative people and drawing boards.  I got this one over the weekend, you be the judge.  There is nothing more dangerous than a perverted tradesman/electrician with a pen, or an old guy with too much time on his hands ….

I will never look at a power outlet the same way again.

Are you aware of the fact that Denny’s puts eight (8) pieces of bacon on a BLT?  I found that out over the weekend, that is a lot of bacon.  It is sooooooo good, but so bad for you, one of those “everything I love to eat, is killing me” things.

One thing you can count on in America, good or bad, it will be marketed and given to you in one way, shape, form or manner.  You can now get a “Bacon Shake” at Burger King …. Have it your way.  And afterwords, when your arteries choke up and you win the lottery for high numbers on Cholesterol, you can get buried in your own bacon coffin.  I know, I know, you are sitting there chuckling and chortling to yourself, saying this dude is making all of this up.  Uh huh … sure, but you can read about it here.

Bacon Sundae’s and French Fries … Is this a Great Country or What?

Only on the Internet …. Nothing says Easter and the rejoicing of the risen savior than a hammer to the head.  Memphis police said an Easter egg hunt ended with a brawl between two families and a woman’s arrest for taking a hammer to a man’s head.  Read more:

Well, I see the old bottom of the page rolling up, and I have to make a trip to town for some materials (I am getting low on coffee and as it is a staple of life, a geriatric vitamin of sorts, it is time for resupply), guess I ought to close this out and get cracking.

One more post, locked down in the hard drive and I am through for the day.  I now leave you to your respective musings.  Think of me fondly, here on the old goat farm, trying my best to figure out all the wrinkles and crannies of the Internet age.

Pondering important hot button issues and the mysteries of life,  for example, how a status symbol of today is one of those new fangled cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.  (I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

If none of this has helped you out, I am truly sorry.  If you still need more drama in your life this Monday?  Good.  We got it.

Watch this. 

And by all means, try and remember this one impotent fact of the Internet and blogging ….. This what happens when you reach old age and have decided that old age is  “when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.”

I am headed to the kitchen for another cup of Joe … What else do I have to do on a Monday?  I don’t have $4 million to go to the Islands for some R&R.

OOO

[#1226]

Refilling the coffers.

Recently President, or Ex-Presidente George Dubya Bush, was spotted giving the graduating seniors of a high school in Artesia, New Mexico, a commencement speech (how sad is that?).  He told them that he no longer felt the pressure and responsibility of being our president, and that in fact, it was kind of liberating.  Since leaving office Bush has given one speech in Canada, and is supposed to be busy writing his memoirs, which should be a real yawner.  Coming to a Burger King in your area, a one time visit from a ex-president of the United States on a limited speaking engagement, come early and beat the rush.

Things are not all that well for the rich here lately.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were recently thrown off a yacht in Cannes France at the annual film festival.  It seems that they started “hooking up” as the youngsters are prone to say, and she got a little frisky, so they decided to take it below decks and up a level or two on the excitement scale.  Another guest discovered the amorous couple in what do they call it?  Flagrante Delicto and she informed the captain of the vessel, who in turn ejected the loving couple.

The captain then insisted that they depart for the shore.  For what he called “unsociable behavior” which I do not understand, seems like they were being quite sociable at the time, which is when all the trouble started.

You would think that old geezers like myself would be the first to catch these particularly nasty diseases going around.  But a recent survey has disclosed that only 1% of people over 65 actually got swine flu, and the majority of the cases in the country were with 18-24 year olds.  Of the two-thirds of the 5,000 confirmed cases in the U.S. thus far, the CDC revealed  that many older people, blood studies show, have partial immunity to the swine variant because of a life time of exposure to other similar flu viruses.

So I guess it would be safe to say, “that over the years, all of those shots, paid off.”

The current candidate running for governor of Georgia on a platform encouraging the quaint Peach State Legal theory of “nullification (meaning the state has the right to override the U.S. Constitution) who is known as  staunch foe of abortion who once posted a “hit list”  of doctors in that state.

He is also quoted as saying during his childhood “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia your first girlfriend is a mule.”   That should just about sum it up.  Yeppers …. Now that explains it. Stick a pin in the map, another “new age Republican” has been identified.

It reminds me of the old joke, where the preacher found a dead mule on the road, so he called the sheriff.  The sheriff after listening to what the preacher had to say, suggested that he say a few words over the dead animal and go about his business, that was after all, what preachers were supposed to do.

Then he inquired of the preacher, “Why in the world are you calling me about this anyway?” and the preacher said, “It is our custom to notify the next of kin, whenever we do a service.”

Please don’t feed the lizards.

The world’s largest lizards, have been attacking humans with increasing frequency, villagers in Indonesia report attacks are up this year.  The Komodo dragons are 10 foot long reptiles and they are becoming more aggressive and out of hunger as poaching reduces the population of the deer that they survive on.  A park ranger was recently sitting in his office in Komodo National Park when a dragon appeared and chomped down on his leg.  Indonesia is the only place in the world where these huge reptiles are found.  Might want to scratch this one off your vacation list for this summer, and head to Orlando instead.

Now I like this one.  British police thought they had a standoff on their hands when they received an emergency call in which the caller could be heard whimpering and a man shouting “Come out or else!” in the background.

At that point the line apparently went dead, and the police just knew that they had a possible hostage standoff situation on their hands.  Immediately redialing the number they reached a woman who reported that her golden retriever, had stolen her cordless phone, and pursued by her angry husband, taken it to his favorite hiding place in the backyard.

Behind the garden shed, where he crawled underneath and promptly started gnawing on the key pad.

A Florida woman visibly upset because her local McDonald’s did not have Chicken McNuggets, phoned the 911 emergency service line for help.  In an unrelated incident, a Florida man took the same action when Burger King told him it had no lemonade to sell him.

Clearly these are over reactions, majoring in minor stuff.  I recommend that you not indulge in similar overreactions in the coming week.  When you feel that the drama queen or drama king archetype is threatening to posse you and you need to forcefully keep it away, take immediate action.

If you’re successful, you’ll be visited by a far more congenial archetype … the Social Butterfly …. Someone like Britney or Paris and that would prove to be amusing and who knows, maybe a little productive in the end.

Have to run, some guy named Obama sent me $250 over the weekend and I got to sock it into my “friendly” savings institution currently being run by foreign nationals recently released from Guantanamo Bay, which I think is somewhere south of Atlanta.

OOO

Crazy Ivan

elope

KISS ME I AM FROM VERMONT: Uh oh, it seems now that Gay people have really legitimately democratically and completely non-sneakily have won the right to marry in Vermont.  This surely isn’t going to make the Christian community happy in this country.  But Christians are free to disapprove of homosexuality, just as they remain free to disapprove of their neighbor’s alcoholism or adultery or bad taste in lawn ornaments.  They are also free to move to a country that enforces religious views or they can just hang out in Illinois.

An Illinois man whose wife has been charged with child murder says police have insulted Islam by releasing her mug shot.  She is charged with beating her two year old niece to death.  Her husband says the larger issue is that police took a mug shot of her without her traditional Muslim head scarf and released the photo to the media.  He said they are really going to be in “big trouble” for violating her modesty.

They live amongst us and they procreate.

THE BIG TICKET: So I am watching ESPN and the outfielder of the Pittsburgh Pirates or some other team (I am not a big sports fan) and he says, “The only way we’re going to improve is if we actually go out and get better.” And they willingly cough up millions per year for this?  This is why a family of four pays $411 for tickets to a ballgame in Boston, or it costs you $85 to sit in the cheap seats at NASCAR.

POOF!  YOU’RE TOAST: It is a bad week to be a squirrel in Spokane, Washington.  The city parks and recreation department has purchased the Rodenator, a device that pumps flammable gas into rodent holes and then ignites it with a spark.  The agency has called the method humane, since squirrels are instantly killed by the explosion.  And as an added bonus, “it automatically roasts their nuts!”  (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

IT’S ABOUT TIME: An overdue library book has finally been returned after 110 years.  Originally checked out by Mutt Baird, the 1,535 page Webster’s dictionary was from the Lyn Public Library in Ontario, Canada in 1899, but it was not returned when his family moved to New York State that winter.

Last week, his nephew, 83-year old Dale Fenton Baird Sr. of Denver, presented it to Orval Ladd, president of the Lyn Heritage Place Centre, in time for the center’s 225th anniversary.  The fine, in case you are wondering, if imposed would have been $9,000.

It was waived.

NO FREE LUNCH: A government worker in Bingham, New York, who had to stay at his desk during the recent massacre, wants compensation for missing his lunch hour.  He was locked down during the spree that left 14 other people dead.  He has since demanded that he be paid for the lunch hour that he missed.

What a guy, I mean really, what a guy.

ANGEL IN THE SKY: A Louisiana man was traveling with his wife and two daughters aboard a Super King turboprop when the pilot who was in charge of his flight blacked out.  The passenger then radioed air-traffic controllers in Miami, who guided him to a Fort Myers airport and talked him through the landing.

He has a pilot’s lic. but said the only thing he knew how to do up there was talk on the radio.  The pilot later was said to have died from a heart attack.  Talk about raising your stress levels and doing it quickly.  “When you stop screaming Mr. Smith, look out your right window, you should be able to see the airport, do you see it?  Mr. Smith?  Mr. Smith?”

BURGER KING EL GRANDE: These people never seem to learn.  Now Burger King has agreed to pull a commercial running on European Television after Mexico formally complained that it used a negative stereotype of Mexicans.  The commercial for the “Texican Whopper” shows a short wrestler dressed in a cape resembling a Mexican Flag.

The wrestler teams up with a lanky American cowboy almost twice his size to illustrate the cross-border blend of flavors.  Mexico’s ambassador to Spain said that “we have to tell these people that in Mexico we have a great deal of respect for our flag.”  He ought to move to the U.S. where they routinely abuse the flag by making handkerchiefs out of it, shirts, bathing suits, and other ridiculous articles of clothing.

No word on the new General Motors commercial that depicts the “Little House On The Cheebie” to run on Mexican television, updates on that later.

POSSIBLY RELATED: A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”

The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”

(thanks to Jonco)

THE DEGRINGOLADING RUSSIAN: Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed.  A Russian man who downed three bottles of vodka survived a 5 story plunge out a window to the street below.  After his drinking binge, during which he jumped out of his kitchen window and somehow survived the fifty foot fall.  He then staggered back upstairs, where his wife berated him for being an idiot.

It is nice to note here that “understanding wives” are worldwide; I just thought it was here at my house, but it appears they are everywhere. (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

Back to crazy Ivan.

The man then tried to kill himself again, “When I heard my wife screaming at me, I thought it was best that I left the room again – out the window.”  After medics treated him for bruises, he announced he’d decided to give up drinking.

Fortunately for us, we live in the bottom level of our duplex and jumping out of a basement window, isn’t conducive to harmful behavior.  Which is one reason I stopped drinking years ago, I just got awful tired of waking up on someone’s floor, especially in a house where I did not know the occupants.

That is a real bummer.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of Think Progress.online

This Old Spouse

The news says that foreclosures are up again, they laid down for awhile, and now they are back on the rise.  As I understand it, the average American owns three homes and/or moves three times during his lifetime.

  1. The first house, is the love nest, the little cute cottage, just right in size for a loving couple to start a family.  The starter home, usually what you can just barely afford.
  2. As the family grows, the necessity of a bigger house, and the process of raising one’s family goes to what they refer to as the “empty nest” when they grow up and move out.
  3. Then it is house #3 what I lovingly call “The Roost” where you go to sit and cackle to yourself or complain to no one in particular and go to bed with the chickens at night.  This is the last house, the lonely old place the grand kids do not want to go, and where the kids never seem to find time to visit.
  4. I suppose there would be a fourth category, it is called Assisted Living or The Home, but most of us are reluctant to talk about that at all

We have been considering moving, this would be our third move and hopefully our last.  Our neighborhood is slowly making a transition from neighborhood to ghetto and it is time to move.

Life in the barrio is now what we had envisioned when we moved in here back in the spring of 74.  We never thought we would see spray painted ownership on the walls of the homes or the street on which we live (in a language we cannot read nor understand).  We didn’t know it was going to turn into a repository for trash, old used up automobile tires, and an apparent training ground for baby gangsters who prefer to not speak English and only aspire to pillage and terrorize instead of add to society.

So we are seriously considering a move in these bad times, we have found a house that both of us agree on, the price is right, but we cannot get the dog to move out.  This is proving to be a problem.

Home ownership has sort of been a right of passage in this country, “revered” in American culture.  When you buy a house you sort of enter into an agreement with society, you are now showing the world that you are stable, secure in your dreams and ambitions, and ready to deal with adult life.  You now have a place to store your stuff, and you have lots of stuff if you are an American, so therefore you need a house.

Face it.  You have too much stuff. If this is not acceptable, then just walk down your block on any Saturday and count the number of cars sitting on driveways because the garages are too chocked full of stuff, they cannot put them inside.

I rest my case.

So buying into the dream or the fantasy, you buy a home.  Now the state is happy, because they have a new place to charge you a tax in order for you to store your stuff, ad valoureum tax or property tax.  In reality the state is always a big winner.  You see they charge you a tax on it when you buy it, then they get a tax from you for owning the place to store it, and if you ever decide that you have too much of it (stuff) they charge you another tax in order to sell it.

The state does just fine.

They (those who are always named but never seem to be around) now can coach you into believing that because you have a house, you are all powerful and they will “allow you a tax deduction on the house to store your stuff” encouraging you to go even deeper into debt.  Too good to be true?  Quite possibly true, and there are numerous reasons why.

It appears with the current recession that seems to be demonstrating with painful clarity that this is in fact, not all that good of a deal, it is kind of a myth.  Buying a home is a financial risk, not a surefire investment for the future as you have been led to believe.  Take a look at the buying and selling process, for example.

A full 10% of the sale price of the property is paid out to realtors, various agents, taxes and other transaction costs (paperwork mainly) and then there is the upkeep issue.  Our house last year suffered a serious decline in worth (dropped $16K in value) but our taxes went UP try and figure that one out.

If you are a homeowner, there is a significantly increased chance that you will receive a lot of unexpected bills.  Most of us, who ever bought a brand new home erroneously assumed that nothing would ever wear out or deteriorate.  Actually, one can safely assume that anything that has moving parts will eventually break down and any part of the house that is composed of one or more of the known trace elements will deteriorate.

This is where you get to make the voluntarily stipend or contribution to Home Depot, Lowe’s, the plumber, the air conditioning guy, the person who sprays your lawn a false green color and insures you that the weeds are gone, for a little while anyway.

Now the reality should be setting in, “You are never a home owner, what you are is a caretaker, a janitor, a keeper of the property” and that is all.

So you work hard, you hope and scheme, you dream, and then you lay your hard earned bucks on the table for a property.  But in order to purchase an “affordable” home, you have to live way out in the suburbs, away from the urban centers of employment.  You spend hours every day locked down on some concrete parkway or thruway that is long over due for improvement, obsolete and overcrowded.

You are just another statistic, adding to the problem of urban sprawl and traffic, and of course, a pawn of the oil companies.

Time is running out, bottom of the page rolling up on me, we have to go and we didn’t even get to the category of home improvements and “meeting the General Contractor.” (Run out to the truck boy and fetch me some more zero’s for this estimate!).  Interesting topics in their own rights, we didn’t even cover the ground concerning “unexpected bills” that occur when you own a home.

You ever notice that you frequently get unexpected bills in the mail, but almost never ever receive unexpected income?

So this morning I am thinking about homes, the average American, doing his level best to get by in times so tight that most of us don’t have a pot to piss in, yet alone a window to toss it out of.  As we are forced to rethink our position on stuff, shopping at the mall, consumerism run amuck, we need to reevaluate our concepts and beliefs on home ownership too.

Oh well, that is Monday.  One thought seems to keep coming to the front burner of the stove, over and over and that is ….  renting is looking better and better each day.

OOO

Survey results on the Burger King commercial our survey:

  • Too adult 50%
  • No big deal 25%
  • Harmful to children 12%
  • Offensive 13%

Do You want fries with that.

Now here is a novel concept, your order on time, and it is right.  If your next fast-food order at the drive-through has the right food in the right bag, you may have  something surprising to thank: the bad economy.  In the past six months, Carl’s Jr.’s 478 locations in Southern California in particular have been able to recruit crew members more fluent in English, and thus are able to process drive-through orders more accurately.

“It’s a no-brainer.  Hiring people who are fluent in English has always been something we’ve wanted to do.  Now we can.”  That’s because, with layoffs on the rise – particularly in hard-hit Southern California – the chain can be more selective in hiring.

The unemployment rate in California hit 7.7% in August vs. the national rate of 6.1% – the most recent month from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. “When times are tough, people are willing to take jobs for which they’re over-qualified.”

Pay Attention Mr. Bush, you might learn something here.

Mexico agreed Monday to deport Cubans who sneak illegally through Mexican territory to reach the U.S., a step toward cutting off an increasingly violent and heavily used human trafficking route.  The agreement, signed by Cuban Foreign Minister Felipe Perez Roque and Mexican Foreign Secretary Patricia Espinosa, takes effect in one month. It also criticizes U.S. policy that generally allows Cubans who reach U.S. territory to stay, while turning back most caught at sea.

Cuban migrants in recent years have increasingly headed for Mexico – often to the coast near Cancun – then overland to Texas because it has become so hard to dodge the U.S. Coast Guard and reach Florida to qualify for U.S. residency.  The U.S. Border Patrol is reporting that some 42 incursions into U.S. territory since last October by THE MEXICAN ARMY.  Evidently a lot of drug cartels are experiencing problems getting their merchandise over the border, so they get their Mexican buddies in the Army to make probes into U.S. soil, thus pulling the Border Patrol away from the smuggling entry points.

Next Time Take The Train

Phoenix – The price of an all-day bus or light rail pass in the city could go from $2.50 to $4.50 under a proposal being considered by transit officials. The regional transit board, struggling with falling tax revenue and rising fuel prices, will consider the hike early next year.  That is a pretty hefty hike right there wouldn’t you say?  You ever notice they never say, “uh, how about giving us a quarter extra and if that don’t work out, we will be back?”

Nah, just go for the big bucks and get it over with.

I note that a lot of travel agencies are now offering fares around the world to wonderful, exotic locations and the post the price of the trip.  And then they add, Plus Taxes and Fuel Charges.  Which kind of irritates me, how were these people planning on us getting there in the first place?  You have to use some kind of fuel to transport folks.  Why isn’t that just included in the price of the trip.

Bad news coming out of Anchorage, Alaska.  No check in the mail.

The state’s oil wealth savings account lost nearly $10 billion in a year. Most of the state’s residents receive an annual check from this fund, based on its net income averaged over five years. The fund peaked at $40.4 billion last October and now is about $30 billion.  Looks like the governor will have to go back to shopping at Target.

Even More Alaska news, and no, this is not concerning Caribou Barbie so check your hormones at the door boys.

stevensSen. Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, left, leaves court on Tuesday after his corruption conviction with his lawyer, Brendan Sullivan. Stevens is now calling for a probe into the federal lawyers who prosecuted him.

I guess this comes under the “You did it to me, so I am gonna do it to you, fairness doctrine in the 49th state.”

Wait … It gets better.

A juror who vanished during Alaska Senators’ corruption trial told the judge Monday she lied about her father dying and flew to California to see horse races.

U.S. District Judge Emmet Sullivan ordered Marian Hinnant, identified as juror No. 4, to return to court to explain why she disappeared during jury deliberations. Hinnant brought a stack of handwritten notes with her to the court Monday along with public defender A.J. Kramer, and told the judge that her father hadn’t died and she was at the Breeders’ Cup in Arcadia, Calif.

She apologized for lying, and then started a long rambling story about horses, which included references to horse breeding, the Breeders’ Cup, drugs, President Ford’s son Steven and her condo in Florida being bugged.  At that point, the judge said, “I am thoroughly convinced you would not have been able to continue to deliberate,” Sullivan interrupted.

“Can I have a case of my own?” Hinnant asked. Sullivan referred her to Kramer and the federal public defender’s office, and excused her from his courtroom.

Outside the courthouse, Hinnant refused to answer questions about whether she was on medication or had been hospitalized. When asked what she thought about Stevens’ case, she said: “He didn’t do anything any of the other congressmen and senators did, so they’re all guilty.”

She then loaded up in her Ford Fiesta that she claims is powered by Oatmeal, and headed south to her home in the lower 48 that has tree’s that hum, and all the children glow in the dark.

Gonna go way out on the limb folks and say that Obammer walks away with the election today.  I could be wrong, but I just don’t feel like I am.  Why don’t war heroes win elections anymore?  Excepting George Bush Sr. it has been 48 years since a war hero won the presidency.  And it isn’t like there has been a big shortage or wars and conflicts the past 48 years, so that cannot be the reason.

So what is the problem?

Again, so many questions and so little time.  Oh well, time to gear up for 2012, I am thinking Rosie O’Donnell or Elizabeth Hassleback from The View … whadya think?

000

Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.


Weekend Smokers

Olympia Washington has determined that 24 ounces of medical marijuana should be the two month supply for approved medical marijuana patients.  They had originally suggested “35” ounces for a bi-monthly supply.  Now let me see, “16” ounces in a pound right?

These guys must really be sick puppies.

Best not go skinny dippin’ in Wyoming this summer.  Officials there are reporting outbreaks of parasite-caused skin disorder in the area outside Boysen State Park.  The condition, also called swimmer’s itch, is caused by a worm like parasite that can burrow into the skin, causing a tingling, burning, itching sensations as well as small reddish pimples and blisters.

Talk about giving a totally new meaning to the phrase “off shore drilling” this is it boys & girls.  Now think about it, you are swimming totally nude in a lake, completely nakid as they say in Crawford Texas, and this thing decides to swim up your … man, talk about the eeeeck factor?

Find yourself a good book, get in the shade and sip some lemonade.  The price of diesel in this country continues to inch toward the $5 benchmark.  The oil companies seem to have effectively spread “Annal Glaucoma” across the land (This a new petroleum induced condition where you cannot see your butt going anywhere.  There seems to be no cure at the present time.  Sorry).

E-Mail of the week: 

So, I was talking to this little girl Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day.   Both of her parents, liberal Democrats were standing there with us – and I asked Catherine – ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’

Catherine replied – ‘I would give houses to all the homeless people.’

‘Wow – what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.’  I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up the entire dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.’

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething,and Catherine replied, ‘why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?’

And I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party’.

Things are getting bad, Nevada Brothels are reporting that the truckers are not stoppin and the brothel owners are get this, offering gas cards and other promotions after seeing business decline.  Now if you are a hooker in a brothel, what possible kind of “other promotions” could you have to offer?

Business is down some 25% since a year ago.  They may have to hold a yard sale or something, get yo’ camera ready Art! (Art is our 911-highly-mobile-Reno-Correspondent)

Burger King (in the U.K.) this week served up burgers made of Wagyu Beef and enhanced with white truffles and shallot-infused mayonnaise.  The proceeds from the $190 burgers went to the charity Help a London Child.  No word on how much the “barf bags” were which surely would have been necessary after eating this concoction of whatever it was?

So another win/win situation.  Some poor sucker purchases this thing and gets a “charity write off” on his taxes, Burger King gets “worldwide free advertising” and finally, I suppose someone gets a bonus for dreaming up this farce.

I knew it would happen, I just knew, before the week was over, I would hear of some idiot doing something dumb on the 4th of July.  Here it is.

“A Alabama man is in jail tonight after setting off fireworks inside his apartment. The fireworks set the building on fire and caused extensive damage to the ten-unit building.”

Investigators say 25-year-old Shawn Dennis suffered several burns and was treated at a local hospital, before he was arrested and charged with arson. “Dennis is now in the County Jail where he’s being held on $5,000 cash bail.”

Isn’t it wonderful when a man decides to celebrate July 4th like everybody else, with fireworks.

Of course, most people don’t set off the fireworks inside their apartment.  You really have to have a sense of humor to live in the South.

No really.

Have A Great Weekend.

000