Come On Weekend

Yesterday I did not post anything and here is why.  I was in a foul mood, I am not getting along with Shell Oil and did not feel it was in your best interest to share this with you, so I took the day off.  (If you care to gander at it you will find it here)

Today I am somewhat better, but as I am old and cranky, there are going to be more days like this I am afraid.  So be advised.  It has been one of those weeks.  Really beginning to wonder what there is in life, that is still left to me.  What it is that I have control over, and it doesn’t seem to be much, even tho’ I have made valiant efforts to change over the years.

  • I quit cheating at cards.
  • I quit cussing.
  • I quit drinking.
  • I quit smoking.
  • Trifling with other peoples’ women.

Man, that was the worst twenty minutes of my life. (Seriously, uh huh sure.)

So I kind of figured that there ought to be something left in life for me.  And I naturally figured it was food.  But it turns out that even that is not exactly right.  Did you know that by the time you turn twenty years of age your body has essentially settled on the number of fat cells you are going to have for the rest of your life?

Yes, it is true.

A recent study in Sweden has confirmed this.  Researchers took samples of fat cells from volunteers over the course of several years; they discovered that no matter how much the subjects’ weights changed, their number of fat cells remained the same.  So your fat cells grow and shrink in your body, but they remain the same.  You are actually “friends with your fat.”

Isn’t that repulsive.

All the carrot sticks and rice cakes in the world are not going to change a thing.  All those fat cells in your body are going nowhere; they just shrink in size and nothing more. During your life you will eat sixty thousand pounds of food, the weight of about six elephants.  The average American chews 190 sticks of gum, drinks about 600 sodas and 800 gallons of water, eats 135 pounds of sugar and 19 pounds of cereal a year.  The largest consumer of sugar and corn syrup in the world is no other than Coca Cola.  The biggest selling restaurant item in the U.S. is French Fries.  They estimate that in this country every day, we consume about 200 million M&M’s.

The amount of potato chips Americans eat each year weighs six times more than the Titanic.  A can of SPAM is opened in this country about every four seconds.  Americans on average eat eighteen acres of pizza every day and Saturday night is the biggest day of the week for that staple.  Dunkin’ Donuts serves about 112,500 donuts per day, more popcorn is sold in Dallas than anywhere else in the United States.

Two million different combinations of sandwiches can be created from a Subway Menu. 

We as a society of people eat a lot of garbage that is why the majority of us, are scratching parts of our bodies we have not seen in five years.  This is why when you step onto the computerized talking scale your thoughtful wife gave you on Father’s Day it says to you …….. “Please come back when you are alone.”

Now if you will excuse me, I am gonna go get me a Twinkie, me and “my friends” are hungry.  It’s not easy being a aging baby boomer.  So there it is boys and girls, Friday’s post, such as it may be.

I hate Shell Oil and the wrong person won America’s Got Talent, if it were not for Britney showing a little of her who-hah’s on the X-Factor I would be a total wreck, but that is the way some weeks go.

This week the comedian lost and it all went to the dogs.

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What folks are reading at Creative Endeavors this week:

Home page / Archives    
You Don’t Smell Like Flowers (audio)    
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)    
Wood Ice Chest    
Indian Summer    
Clear Blue Sky    
Goin With The Flow    
The Worry Tree    
Survivor Texas Style    
Is This A Great Country or What?

It Is Right Here In My Who-Hah

(Because of the adult subject matter, there will be no photo’s accompanying this post)

Now listen buster, take your hand out of there and leave my girlfriend alone!

TULSA, Oklahoma – A woman armed with two weapons including a flare gun robbed the Med-X Drug Store at 1714 Utica Square early Saturday.  Tulsa Police say the woman went into the pharmacy at about 5:30 a.m. She had a black semi-automatic handgun and a flare gun, she then demanded both pills and money from the register.

On her way out the door, she fired the flare gun into a chair. No one was injured, and the flare gun did not start a fire, police say.  The woman got into an older black SUV with a driver waiting behind the wheel and left the scene.

I suppose laughing her a** off hysterically.

Here is a question for all you lurkers and Internet trolls out there.  What is the pre-occupation with Rachel Ray and her breasts, half the searches on my site are for this.  That … and bikini’s …. It is truly is a sick world we live in these days.  For the record I do not ever remember any items concerning Rachel or her tah-tahs.

While we are on the subject of the female anatomy.

This could be a serious drug problem, I dunno.  When questioned at the police station the woman replied, “Yes officer, I have some Oxycontin in my “who-hah” … Would you like to remove them or shall I fish them out for myself?”   Oh I am sorry, are you allowed to use the word “Who-hah” when describing female genitalia on the Internet?

I know the word “vagina” and “vasectomy” are now banned in Michigan, where two Democratic women in the Michigan House of Representatives, who used the words “vagina” and “vasectomy” while debating an abortion bill, had their privilege to speak withdrawn for a day on Thursday.  I have never been to Michigan, but from what I read, it appears to be pretty lame.

Maybe we should just use the word girlfriend?

“Now listen buster, take your hand out of there and leave my girlfriend alone!”

That might work.

Charlie Sheen (not his daddy Martin) is scheduled to play the president of the United States in an upcoming event.  I guess the basic question would be, “Haven’t we already had enough of a coked up son following his father in politics?”

Thanks a lot department.  Hope this Email catches you in time! 

Please send this warning to everyone on your Email list.  If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!  They only want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday … I feel so stupid.

Entertainment Today had a little chit-chat with comedian/actor/Robin Williams at a ceremony and had a few grumblings about the apocalypse and its associated signs, some of which are apparently associated with Britney Spears.  Then he said this about Spears’ fiancé/manager Jason Trawick being added to the singer’s conservatorship: “That’s kind of a double bill. It’s like having your dealer as your therapist.” (Nice shot of J-Lo on the same page)

When I worked on the railroad and I would have anger issues with my boss, they would send me to the therapist.  He would then say to me, “What is it that you do for a living?’ and I would reply, “I work on the railroad.”  He would then say, “Okay, hang off the side of the couch and tell me what is bugging you.”  More on Britney here, I don’t know about her underwear, her new video is a real yawner.

What do you do If you find yourself stranded in the desert, running out of water and food?  Well silly, you build a motorcycle out of your non-running car and ride it to Wendy’s.

Here is another one, one of those thinking outside the box moments.

The other day I intently sat here completely mesmerized and watched a bridge moved on an episode of “We Are Going To Move This Incredibly, Huge, Holy Crap, look at the size of that Godzilla Sized Steel Stuff” on the Discovery Channel.

And it occurred to me:  “If we are capable of moving a 5 million pound bridge, on several barges with tugboats, upstream 16 miles, to two pre-cast already constructed concrete pillars and then placing that bridge on the site and everything fits.  Then why can’t we build a car that gets more than 50 mpg?”

This was indeed done back east recently, it did happen.

Lookie there, two cups of coffee and it is only 8:00 a.m..  I haven’t done a dog-gone thing today … That means the wife is dead wrong … I am getting better at this.

OOO

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Another Crap Sandwich

Bad Diet.

We are being fed one crap sandwich after another, and unfortunately, it appears that from here on out, it is crap sandwiches as far as the eye can see. Secretary of the Treasury Paulson says the U.S. Economy is not out of the woods, and in for some more tough sledding. This naturally occurs when you a hire a fox to watch the chicken house as they say in rural America.  Things are so bad, Mexico is considering building their own fence to keep out Wall Street Brokers, financial advisory personnel and stock brokerage workers.

Naked Gnomes of Finance.

With the titan’s of finance standing humbled and broken amongst us, no hero’s on the horizon to turn to. Having invested lavishly in financial instruments neither they, nor virtually anyone else truly understood, the entire house of cards came tumbling down in a matter of weeks. When we looked for all those people “that ran on a platform of LEADERSHIP all we found were a bunch of bickering, fighting children” talking ideologies and hurling blame and hurt feelings, but offering little in the way of solutions. That right there, is enough to throw water on any good ol boy’s parade. To feed ‘em their own words … That is Priceless.

Professionals at work.

See how Congress has modified the Paulson Plan.  Originally 2 pages, now 451+ pages.  This excerpt shows an important addition (perhaps omitted due to an oversight by Secretary Paulson), that illustrates an important aspect of our political regime.  All the hogs rushed to the trough and this is what they added.

Change The Logo

It is fairly easy to be a Politically Correct Liberal in America, especially when you live in a gated community. The Republican Party should change their national emblem from an elephant to a prophylactic, because it stands for inflation, halts production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a false sense of security when one is being screwed. Assuming that either the left win or the right wing gains control of the country, it will probably just fly around in circles and of course, passing out worthless checks.

Backyard gardening, now you can grow your own.

Health food stores are experiencing a rush in Italy as researchers isolated an erection inducing plant compound in a widely sold Chinese Herb know as “Horny Goat Weed” (No, I am not making this up) the compound icarin, may be as effective as Viagra, they are saying. We have “medical marijuana” why not grow something useful right next to it, if you find yourself watering for more than four hours, call a physician.

Times are really getting bad now.

Playboy is laying off bunnies, but there is a bright side, think of all the money Hugh Hefner will save on batteries! And the world economy continues to take more casualties.  This morning I read where one of my overseas friends is getting down and it takes one more casualty.

Take care … Things will get better … I hope.

Don’t be a victim Jen, be a cheer leader!

Like my sainted Grandmother used to say ….. Look for the Rainbow Donnie … There is always a good side. As Michael Beaudet of Key West, Florida said after being rescued from his disabled sail boat after being adrift for some six days: “First the rum ran out, the cigarettes ran out, then the food ran out, and then the water was gone. Thank God for the rain!”

Sign of the times

Highway authorities throughout the country are being bedeviled by thieves who keep stealing highway markers bearing the numbers “666” or “66.6.” In New Jersey at least four such signs have been swiped, either by religious zealots who are upset with the numbers’ biblical association with the devil, or by young people who think it is cool to have a 666 sign in their bedrooms. Officials are countering with changing the route to 665.

Pass me the Salsa and some of them chips.

Within a decade, Mexico will catch up to the U.S. to become one of the worlds fattest nations, the Mexican government announced this week. Already, half of Mexicans are overweight and obesity among children is rising steadily. New cases of high blood pressure and diabetes have increased more than 25% over the past five years.

Low class act.

Adran Ghalib, the paparazzo who dated Britney Spears during her long downward spiral is peddling a two-hour sex tape of the singer, in which she performs wearing nothing by a pink wig. He said he is “open to the best offer” but … get this … Is too much of a gentleman to reveal any embarrassing information about his ex. I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney. Talk about a bottom-feeder this has to be him.

Isolate the problem.

During Gov. Sarah Palin’s (R-AK) speech in Florida this morning, campaign staffers kept the press locked out of the park and away from supporters attending the speech. Constantly under the watchful eyes of security, the media wasn’t permitted to wander around inside Coachman Park to talk to Sarah Palin supporters. When reporters tried to leave the designated press area and head toward the bleachers where the crowd was seated, an escort would dart out of nowhere and confront him or her and say, “Can I help you?” and turn the person around.

When one reporter asked an escort, who would not give her name, why the press wasn’t allowed to mingle, she said that in the past, negative things had been written. The campaign wanted to avoid that possibility Monday. Palin has still yet to give a single press conference since being tapped as Sen. John McCain’s running mate on August 29.

Where the **** are we?

Speaking at a San Francisco fundraiser on Sunday, Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) “fumbled” while praising U.S. soldiers in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, referring to Afghanistan as a “neighboring country”: “They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan,” she told several hundred supporters at a fund raising event in San Francisco. Afghanistan borders neither the United States nor Iraq.

Asian geography appears equally difficult for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), who has discussed an imaginary Iraq-Pakistan border. Perhaps they took Geography 101 at the Michael Jackson School located in Never-Never-land-California (an ideal or imaginary place).

Here is a real eye opener.

If you want to read something really interesting on McSame here is the link. It is rather long, but well worth the read, it is supposed to be published in Rolling Stone next month. You can find all 11,000 words of it here. Make Believe Maverick It might change your mind and it might not.

Middle of the week for a five-day wage slave in Oklahoma.

We now we see that money will buy you a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. Lately I find it hard to be happy, upbeat, truly amusing. Early in the morning and I am fresh out of aphorisms to describe the pain I feel. I don’t have a short, pointed sentence to express a wise observation or a general truth, I just have this.

So, as the bantering and bickering continue, one fact remains constant, from a political standpoint, we are not getting much better than what we have had, geographically speaking they really seem to be lost as a goose.  It looks like four more years of the same.

And if that is the case, Lord help us!

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