Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

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Thanx Jim in WA.


Random Musings

Just finished reading some 1400 words some guy wrote on why he wants to commit suicide, and I thought to myself, “Man, talk about writer’s block?” There has to be something better than that to keep a guys fire stoked than that.

Friday Nite in the Metroplex, should be starting out for a night on the town! Y’sir, like them “good old days” when you rocked the house down and ate at Denny’s at 2:30 a.m., with the rest of middle class white trash, and other forms of humanity. Now is the time, when we should be starting out, but we are actually heading for bed. Times change, such are the frustrations of life.

Gonna get cool tonight, might have to lite up the old heater? Believe it or not. I am reminded of the old joke where a guy goes skydiving in Oklahoma. He is taken up about 12,000 feet into the air, and the door opens and he goes out. Geeeeeeronimo! He yells, reaches down and pulls his rip chord and nothing happens, he looks up and there is no chute!

At about that time, he looks down and sees this body hurtling upward from the ground at a high rate of speed, and he yells out to the guy …… “Hey Buddy! Do you know anything about rip chords?” and the guy approaching at hundreds of miles per hour shouts back ….. “No, do you know how to lite a gas burning heater?”

No good huh. Well whadya expect for free?

Took the lawnmower to the lawnmower shop and was going to drop it off, but there were no people there to leave it with, it appears that even lawnmower people take a holiday. I had originally bought the thing because I got tired of pushing one and I wanted a lawnmower that pulled itself. In the beginning, when it was new, it did just that, but now it has reverted to the status of a PUSH mower and that simply will not cut it. Thus the need for a trip to the repair shop. Such are the frustrations of life ….

Uh, give it up boys! No more nude pictures of Sarah Palin please, I am not stupid. Someone is going to get into serious trouble passing out all of this bogus garbage. Contrary to popular opinion, it will not be me. What I consider interesting, when Hillary was running, they were not passing anything like this from site to site, she must not have what it takes to excite the average voter.

Often I will dream something that is so vivid, so real, and then later on, wish that I could remember the dream in its entirety. Today during an afternoon nap, I had such a dream. It was about a Chicago crack-head, lying in a sterile room in a hospital, on the verge of dying. His wife and his kids were there, just slightly out of reach and the dream dealt with his thoughts of life and death. The dream dealt with the processes in play, as life ebbed and slowly drained away …….

It was so dramatic and very profound, it touched the core of my being, and yet, I am sad because I cannot remember the body of the dream, only bits and snatches of it. Now later on, I am at a definite impasse, I feel a loss, because I am unable to illustrate it. Such are the frustrations of life.

A good lunch today, Chinese Food, my favorite.

It is healthy fare, and these days, most of everything that we eat is not. Again, I am on a quest for the “ideal solution to health issues” and wondering about what it is that I am supposed to eat. Much like the crack-head in Chicago, I am struggling with what will keep me alive and what will eventually lead to my demise, we have a lot in common, he and I. Most everything we eat is unhealthy because the food companies are good at finding ways around the FDA guidelines and usually give us something “other than what we are buying” anyway. Best bet, if you see the word “contains” anywhere in the packaging, pass. It is not going to be good for you.

ASK NOT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY … ASK WHAT IS FOR LUNCH?

Along the same vein … Rumor going around that Joe Biden is going to bow out for “health reasons” and that you-know-who is going to take the second spot for the-you-know-what … and that should effectively be the absolute end to American politics’ as we currently know it. Now I am not all that sure it is real or rumor, as I read it on another site …Such are the frustrations of life …..

Gasoline dropped fifty-cents per gallon in two days, reason I know, I filled up two days ago, at the HIGHER price. Someone, I don’t know who, has gouged me out of about $12 or $14 on this tank, and I am somewhat piqued (upset) about it. That is hard on a guy, trying to meet all these things head on, how are you supposed to keep it within the guidelines, when someone is always coming by and moving the sticks.

Now the latest wrinkle seems to be “Zero Interest – Zero Financing” on a new car, which appears to be a tad bit on the desperate side to me. Why not just give me the car and be done with it?

Sitting on the porch this afternoon, cool breeze caressing and stroking my tired brow. Often wish I was independently wealthy and could afford a laptop. I could sit out there and write, write, write. Dell has one out now that has a battery life of 19 hours, and it is under $700. One feature that really appeals to me is “instant on” that is cool, no time lost sitting there waiting for it to load. But there is no laptop in my future, I am too busy trying to tank up at a reasonable price (I told you I was hacked off about it, didn’t I?) and buy a burger from time to time.

Instead I read.

I am reading this book that says “sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.” The other eight are not all that really important. Actually when you come to think about it, sex is nobody’s business except the three people involved. It has been so long since I had sex, I forget who gets tied up, that is from my cousin Steve. I had to bury this in the post, now let’s see if they can find it (perverts)? You want a big hit day on your internet site, just insert the S-E-X word somewhere in the title of your post. You see, I buried it here, 1,107 words deep, smart move, most folks have tired of this and moved on long ago.

There is another one … Verbose hacks on the Internet …… Such are the frustrations of life.

I sure wish someone like Ross Perot or Steve Forbes would run for president, get someone in there that “at least knows something about money” the economy needs a good shot in the arm, Larry King needs some more interesting guests. There has to be more to life than the occasional Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld commercial. Another thing is buggin’ me is movies, if they’re cranking out 10-20 new movies a year, how come we are relegated to old re-runs (encore performances) on every channel … Such are the frustrations of life.

Perhaps I have spent too much time dwelling on all this wretched sin in my life, this Friday evening. Beats watching an old re-run of Murder She (snooze) Wrote. Might be time to sit down and pound out something on all the indulgence in our wretched little lives, too much stuff, an article on being totally frustrated and lost, in our time of quiet desperation and hopeless addictions.

I don’t know if it would make me feel any better about things in general, but it would certainly get my word count up.

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