Lover’s Day

20090204_045645_valentine2_pinupRecently I noted that someone who writes a daily “grammar blog” has come on board for a following/subscription to this blog.  This of course worries me, I am a grammar blog writer’s ultimate nightmare.  I used to have a university professor that followed me, drove her nuts.  She nailed me all the time on apostrophe’s, said I put them in the wrong place and was constantly pointing this out.  Last I heard, she had gave up and was working a rig in the Balkan Field in North Dakota as a tool pusher.

Let’s talk of Lover’s Day, that magical time of the year, that is quickly approaching.  

Soon the media will be full of nothing but happy, sappy, posts about this illegitimate holiday. Time is running out for a lot of guys, Valentine’s Day, that illegal estrogen enriched time of the year sponsored by all the chocolate manufactures and of course, jewelry shops nationwide is now clearly visible on the romantic horizon.  A banner day for Hallmark Cards I suppose … and the immediate downfall for the poor sucker who forgets.

Some of these holiday’s are suspect anyway.  Did you know that last Friday was “National Wear Red Day?” Well, it was, “If I am lying, I am dying” as my buddy Billy Raye Littler used to say.  This month, b’sides Valentine’s Day we also have President’s Day (the 18th) we ought to buy him and the family a one-way ticket to Borneo and give him a carton of Marlboro’s.

But I digress … sorry.

My marriage firmly locked down in the layered bedrock of the planet, established way back years ago, when the earth was still warm, does not require a yearly injection of false admiration and adoration, so I assume I am free.  I should be able to slide under the radar, much to the chagrin of some of you other suckers who will not.  All I have to do is remember to pick up the seat and I am okay for a month or two on the by-ways of matrimony.

Not a big fan of the holiday, as you can see.

My feelings about Valentine’s Day are mixed.  I remember as a small lad, we were required to give Valentine’s cards to all our young classmates in school.  The teacher would give us a list of each child in the class, and we were to dutifully fill out a little sentiment and then pass them around on the appointed day.  This gesture was to be seen as goodwill and friendship, but in reality, quite cruel to the kids who were an exception to the rule, and received no cards whatsoever.

I never cared for it.

Most of the time, the man is going to “get something for himself” and then pimp it off as a gift for her.  Box of chocolates, something racy and sweet, from Fredrick’s of Hollywood (for himself).  Now when you are secure in your relationship, you do not have to spring for these things.

One of the readily apparent benefits of a libido in retreat and being older, is the fact that at our age a trip to the Catfish Cabin, some shrimp, a short well timed visit to the Salad Bar and later, some bread pudding and you are set.

I would even venture that both would cost about the same in the end.

In my younger days, being the sleeze-ball that I am, I would have opted for this new thing on the market … The C-string.  Have you seen one?  Here is a photo sampling for your perusal and a live demonstration.  This would not be suitable for showing at work, so check the room first.


As you can see, this clearly leaves little to the imagination and is a testament to the female form.


Here is a working example of a C-string on some lovely, I would assume it is Mexican Television, it sure would not be aired here in the U.S.A. even Fox would not touch that (pardon the pun).

Clearly this is not a gift for the older audience but for the younger set.  Most of us who read this site, would be just as happy with a new toaster over.  I don’t know where the chocolate would fit in, but then again, it is the thought that counts.  Best get busy and do some shoppin boys, time is running short.

Please remember, “do not go overboard.”


Possibly Related:  Here is a lighter look at the subject of love, Timber Wear from a few years back.

Girl Of My Dreams

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass-by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?  Think about this before you continue reading.  This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.  Never forget to ‘Think Outside Of The Box.’ … HOWEVER … There is quite possibly ONE MORE answer to this dilemma.

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because the Nations new health care won’t pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the ultimate partner of my dreams on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.*

Don’tcha just love happy endings?  One more day and it is the weekend!

I can hardly wait.


You Win Some And You … Well, Y’know.

“I am so happy.  Finally caught a break and did something right for a change, that is a good thang.”

Bought some gasoline for my old truck today, it cost me $57.11 to fill it up, which is a lot of money to most people.  In Egypt they are paying .16 cents per liter, this translates to about .65 cents per gallon U.S..  Every day in this country, huge tankers, filled to the gills with this product are leaving the country and we are paying $3 per gallon?

Something just isn’t right.

Things are not good here in River City, the resident Mayor of BoogerTown lost eight stories that he had written for the website over the weekend.  I inadvertently moved them to the trash along with some old photo’s, did not notice this and then emptied the trash.  Man, that is so disappointing, all of them spell checked, formatted and ready to go and it all went south.

Now it appears that I will have to go back to working for a living.  Computer errors are so unforgiving and at the same time, they often gut you like a fish.  I had over a period of time, worked each one of these, and had them all ready to go, now they are in hard-drive heaven.

Received a new remote for the Dish Network, got it to operate everything with a min. of hassle (actually they were very helpful and that is a refreshing change of pace).  Somewhat timidly, I pointed it towards the box and told it to record, then at the TV, same deal, and everything worked.

I am so happy.

Finally caught a break and did something right for a change, that is a good thang.  If I was doing any better than I currently am, I afraid I would have to pay an amusement tax.

Might be hope for me yet.  I feel as if I am getting more mellow with age, I know this might be hard for some people to understand, but it is true.  This weekend for instance I hit two winning tickets on the lottery, the amount wasn’t all that sizable, about $162 for both tickets.

Now here is the rub.

When I go to cash in the tickets, the girl says to me, “We cannot pay this ticket, it is too much.”  Which is contrary to the rules of the lottery.  The lottery rules clearly state that retailers are NOT allowed to sell tickets unless they can keep a min. of $500 in their respective stores to pay all tickets when presented for amounts less than $600.  So here I stand at another juncture in time, “Do you want to be right or do you wanna be happy?”

Oh yeah, one more thing, I tried a new store for my tickets.  At this store (one I do not usually frequent) there is a sign and it reads:  “This store sold a winning Powerball Ticket for $40,012.00.”  So I asked the clerk, “did they come back and give you a tip?” and she replied, “Yes they did.”  So I said, “How much” and she got this sour look on her face and said, “He gave me a twenty dollar bill.”

What kind of piker does that, when Lady Luck smiles on him like that?

As I clearly do not have an idea as to what the answer might be, I will wrap this up for the day.  I have my own problems to work on … like finding a way to do something about this Libido thing … if I could fix that, I would have it made.

Some folks would of course, see that video as kind of sexist, but I see it as a celebration of the female form.  Anywho, comments are open, take your best shot.

See you at the water cooler.


Things Are Lousy In Jurupa Valley, CA

Here you go, middle of the week, all the news that is fit to print or causes fits in print … you be the judge.

Higher Edumaycayshun …. Police in Milledgeville, GA arrest a 6-year-old girl for simple assault and property damage after knocking over a shelf in a school tantrum that injured the principal. What are our schools coming to … children are upset so we arrest them?  Thank God that monster is off our streets

I got yo’ stuff see if you can finds me?  …. Here is one from the stoooopid criminal files.  A thief in Chicago was charged with stealing $17K worth of merchandise from a Radio Shack, including a GPS device that police used to locate him.

Honey there is something I neglected to tell you before we got married …. An Egyptian man who went online to watch a porno film for the first time got the shock of his life when he found that the woman in the film was his own wife“I found 11 films showing my wife in indecent scenes with her lover … it was the first time I watched a porno film and I did this just out of curiosity,” Ramadan told Egyptian newspapers at his house in the northeastern province of Dakhalia.

Yeah, and I hear people just read Playboy for the articles.

Don’t forget the sunscreen … Just in time for summer, how to hit a nude beach and not stand out.  Bonus articles too, including the best place to get naked, is there really such a place, c’mon?  An added bonus on the same page … Your own cool Border Patrol ball-cap, only $2.99.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas … A new mobile medical unit is patrolling the streets of Las Vegas, providing intravenous fluids to people with wicked hangovers.  With packages starting at $90.  “Hangover Heaven” (catchy name eh?) treats patients with a proprietary blend of fluids, vitamins, and medications that the company claims can “drive the toxins out of your system and get you tuned up to enjoy your stay.”

The New Girl from south of the border … Nearly half of Brazilians are now overweight or obese, the government said this week.  In the past five years, the proportion of people in the land of bikinis who are overweight has ballooned from 43% to over 49%.  Now is the time for them to act to ensure we they reach the levels of countries like say … the U.S. where obese is getting to be the norm.  You don’t believe that?  Been to WalMart lately?

I am a sensentive person, no really, I really am … A convicted rapist prefers death over 20 years in prison, says he is “afraid of being raped in prison,:    “I prefer death a thousand times over being raped,” said Galvan-Hernandez.  A tiny man less than 5 feet in height, Galvan-Hernandez told the court he’d been sexually assaulted numerous times as a street youth in Mexico.  “I want to pay for the act of cowardice,” he added. “I admit it, but I just don’t want to be raped.”

Oh stop please, you are breaking my heart!  Let him serve out the full sentence in the general population and don’t give me this “cruel and unusual punishment” tripe.

When the poo-poo hits the whirly-dirly  (When the **** hit the fan).  Anyone here remember the Boz?  Here is a hint:  Poor Brian Bosworth when he played college ball for University of Oklahoma he was labeled a problem child and complained that no one understood him.  He was a crappy linebacker (in the NFL, the Seattle Seahawks fans did not adore him either). He was a crappy actor. Then he was a crappy landlord, apparently. He is being sued over poop problems … time has a way of catching up with all of us I suppose.

Hopefully he’s not a crappy real estate worker now, too.

Let’s form a committee and pool our ignorance …. Here are some people who are really off to a bad start.  The City of Jurupa Valley  has only been city for 10 months now.  The newly formed Planning Commission for the City of Jurupa Valley, CA. it seems is a bit dysfunctional.

The planning commission had a meeting last week to discuss building issues in the city.  One of the issues being discussed was a low income apartment complex for Veterans to be built in the city.  The apartment complex is planned by Mustang Affordable Homes LLC.  Representatives of Mustang Affordable Homes LLC were answering questions that the planning commissioners were asking.

Planning Commissioner Don Porter asked Mustang Affordable Homes LLC representative how the applicants could be screened for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD).

Okay Veterans here we go again.

Just because we might have PTSD, we are a hazard to the public or to the school children who will be walking by the apartment complex.  I don’t know about you but I am tired of these ignorant people.  I worked 30 years for the Santa Fe Railroad with my PTSD.  (I have PTSD, the VA says so).  I did not attack anyone because of my PTSD.  I did not go CRAZY and shoot innocent people because of my PTSD. I have never harmed anyone or anything because of my PTSD.

Yet a Mr. Don Porter would want me screened for PTSD before I could move into a Veterans Apartment Complex?  I am very upset over Don Porter’s question, insinuation or what ever you want to call it.  I think every Veteran should be upset.

These planning commissioners were personally appointed by the Jurupa Valley City Council.  In fact they were hand picked by the city council.  I think everyone should send an e-mail to every member of the city council and tell them what you think.  Then ask for the city council to remove Mr. Don Porter from the planning commission.  We don’t need a person with this kind of mind set on any city’s committee.

This not only affects the Veterans of Jurupa Valley, CA.  This affects every Veteran no matter where we live.

Below are the city council members e-mails.  The very first e-mail is the mayor’s.  Please, lets flood their mailboxes with e-mails telling them how disgusted we are with Mr. Don Porter.

You know there are times I wonder about things.  Little things, big things, often on the very edge of reality, I wonder about stuff when I hear of something like this.  It is getting to the point, that all you have to do in this country, is stick a shovel in the ground, anywhere, and something “ugly is going to come to light.”  It just makes me wonder.  This morning, I was wondering “how big the Petri dish might be” where this country grows all these civic do-gooders and misguided idiots.  I bet it is a whopper.

Here is our Public Service Announcement for Wednesday April 18th, 2012.  Please be advised The Byrd Spring Rod & Gun Club is sick and tired of receiving questions about the Club’s mascot dog who mauled:  Six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two Democrats, 3 Santorni supporters, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their butt cracks, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.


See you at the water-cooler.



Remember When

You have made it to Friday, congratulations, the long awaited weekend is just now appearing on your horizon.  Good job!

Desperately seeking a respite from the snow, I plan on slinking out for some shopping today (Yes Margaret, men do occasionally go shopping, we just refer to it as Knocking Around).  Might go looking for one of them new tools for men I saw the other day.

Believe it or not, I could sit here all day and watch these commercials, they give me a testosterone rush which at my age is kind of dangerous.  But I like life on the ragged edge.  Kind of late with my hauling this morning, so I guess I best get back to the post.

Isn’t it funny how things change in our lives, and we hardly even notice?  (Nice blend huh?)  Outfit in town is selling “previewed DVD’s” and that makes me wonder … Whatever happened to the term Used? Pre-Owned cars, that is another one, what happened to a good used car? We have a good deal on a Program Car, which of course, used to be a lease car, or a rental car. Our finance specialist will be by to help you with the terms of the deal, how about our car salesman?

Emergency Brakes? At some point in life, the Parking Brake, became the Emergency Brake.
Things used to be store bought, another endearing term of my generation.
Coast to coast was a phrase I heard a lot growing up, that disappeared, it is now “World Wide.”
Which only lasted a fraction of time, only to be replaced with Global Market.

Wall to Wall … remember that, “wall to wall, a whole room full of carpet”  Now it is hardwood floors, which is what “wall to wall was invented for in the beginning” to cover them up.

In a family way, was changed to pregnant and that was changed to PG or In The Oven.
Divorce became divorcee, then it was gay divorcee, but now a days, that is not a good term to lay on someone.  Gay isn’t gay anymore, gay is a death sentence in a society that has gone over the edge. A sexually permissive self indulgent world where I believe they have 66 known sexually transmitted diseases floating around (STD’s), last time I checked.

Confirmed bachelors and career girls are long gone, replaced with career motivated.
Abortion is a Lifestyle Choice,
Adultery is an Affair.
Genocide has been replaced by Ethic Cleansing, and murder is still murder, no matter what you call it.

Trans-gender … Don’t even get me started.

Aging, replaced by Biological Clock, Senior Citizens, to New Age Generians.  Housewife, is now a Domestic Home Industrial Engineer.
Overweight has been changed to “Metabolically challenged” Revitalized carpet? (Resurrection of the dust ball?)
New and improved Dog Food?
(As if a dog is going to know the difference?)

I always liked “New Improved Tide, it gets out the grass and ugly blood stains.”
You have bloodstains on your clothing; it seems you have bigger problems than just dirt.

Removes 75% of dust, allergens, and odors, that other 25% must really be tough huh?
New and improved, fresher fragrance, no more old crappy smell, this costs .98 cents more.
A remote? Does that imply that it should be somewhere else?
Which is okay, most of the time, it is just that.

Percolator that was a fun word, now we have Mr. Coffee Maker. Pretty dull. Come to think of it, “If the kitchen is the domain of the woman, as we have all been led to believe, then shouldn’t that be MRS. Coffee Maker?”

How did pimple get shortened to Zit.
Hamburger, when it doesn’t contain any ham?
Big Sale, has changed to “we are overstocked again!”
Going out of business! (fifth time)
Now if you have been in business 25 years, how in the world do you get “overstocked” EVERY YEAR.

Saw this one last spring “Large Hail Sale.”
It was SMALL HAIL that caused all the problems.
Dyna-Flow, Electra-Luxe, Spectra-Vision …… where are they now?

More? Sure why not?

If you live in Oklahoma there is Miami (but pronounced by the locals as My-am-muh ) and if you are in Florida it is Miami (My-Am-mee) and then there is Demi (Dee-Me) Moore the actress, but I never saw a Semi (See-Me) truck on the Highway.

Aunt — Cant? Is this a crazy mixed up world or what?

And this brings me to supper.
In this part of the world it is “Breakfast, Dinner and Supper.”
Now what in the world happened to Lunch?
Was it ate up by brunch, which is not to be confused with dinner, that comes much later, just before …… Oh, well, you get my drift.

Life moves on … The television is currently rambling on about four old Geezers, riding around in a ‘57 Chevy convertible and spouting …… “Now men don’t have to worry about find a bathroom anymore!” Yeah right, like a MAN EVER WORRIED ABOUT THAT ONE … Take this and swallow it, your prostrate and your life coincidentally, will all be just fine afterwards.  Why are the people in the sex enhancement commercials always sitting, holding hands, in a bathtub?  I never in my life, had sex in a bathtub!

Trust me. Heh-heh.

So here I sit, with an organ the size of grapefruit growing inside my body that I was blissfully unaware of, and I don’t know what to do about it, other than watch the latest, late breaking news flash about male menopausal prostrate problems.  Drinking my masculine coffee, from my Mr. Coffee Maker that was Hecho in Meh-ico. Thank you Madison Avenue, for cutting thru all the clutter. How about addressing my other problem. I still need exercise.

Joggin didn’t produce the positive results for me that I had hoped for. Every time I went out and jogged, in my Chinese Tennis shoes, assembled in Malaysia, my fat thighs rubbed together and then my underwear caught on fire.

Got something for that?


Have a great weekend, we will of course, see you on Monday.